***
It was late at night when Zayn finally finished his penalty of being late again. He was tired as well as empty to go on another day without Harry, who hasn't showed up for work for an entire week now.
Harry's not at his flat nor does he shows up to work anymore, it was like Harry disappeared in the face of the Earth. He hasn't called Zayn or texted him, which was only expected, but Zayn hasn't been sleeping well without knowing where Harry is, and it's driving him mad.
So, on the fourth day when Paul notices Zayn going mental over Harry's disappearance, he finally decided to take pity on him and reveal Harry's location, saying that Harry needs to take a leave because his sister is sick, so he's currently in Southampton with his sister.
But Zayn knows that was only a facade because when he texted Gemma if she was all right, she replied with 'What are you talking about? and 'What did you do to him, Zayn?' which made Zayn throw his phone on his bed in guilt, because he can tell that Gemma was upset with him as well.
After the introduction of Jo to Harry, Zayn was on the brink of having a panic attack with the way Harry turned to Zayn so deliberately as if he can't believe what he's hearing, and it made his heart constrict when Harry's chest heaved so rapidly and his eyes turned glassy, and before Zayn knows it, Harry was running down Zayn's flat and out of the door. He was too immobilized to follow Harry.
With a heavy heart of not having seen or heard from Harry for days, he still continues to do what he normally does even when everything in him is screaming for him to go to Southampton and show up to Gemma's doorstep and apologized to Harry.
Zayn was still deep in thought when he left the theater. He was still trying so hard not to think about Harry while he locks the cinema when he suddenly feels a figure behind him. His heart almost jumped out of its place when he saw Harry standing on the sidewalk, with his eyes closed as if he has been waiting for Zayn for so long. When he heard Zayn shuffle, his eyes opened and Zayn almost crumple to the ground when he saw Harry's red-rimmed eyes that manages to tug at every single of Zayn's heartstrings.
"Harry." Zayn says so quietly as if his name was a secret between them.
"I-I." He stammers and it looks like he has been awake for days with his red tired eyes and slump figure "I don't get it. How could you not tell me?" He says in a voice that sounds so detached as if he's dissociating himself from the whole world. "Do you know how horrible I have felt this past few days? Do you know how many nights I didn't get to sleep? Do you know how many times my sister thought I was dying?"
"Harry." Zayn tries again, his voice imploring "Let me explain."
"I can't believe you." Harry shakes his head, his voice and stare seems like it has been robbed of its usual glow "I don't think I could take another round of feeling like this, Zayn." He gasps, clutching his chest.
"I'm so sorry." He says with a hint of panic in his tone.
"How...How can you-" He stutters "How can you even have a fiance?" Then he looks at Zayn with such distress that it made him look away.
"I-"
"Look at me, you twat." He cries "You fucking owe me that."
Zayn looks at him, with discomfort and remorse.
"I didn't mean for this to happen." He whispers.
"You didn't mean to ask me to sleep with you when you have a fucking fiance?" He hisses.
"I'm sorry-"
"How can you even have a fiance?" He whimpers, his voice sounding watery and confused, like he can't understand what's happening.
"Look, I-" He falters, not knowing how to explain lightly "I met Jo when I was sixteen." He finally says after a pause "It was a year after my tattoo was burned. My mum thought it would do me good if I attend a support group where people like me lost their tattoos. Our facilitator, Dave, gave me hope, that even with a scar for a tattoo, I could still find my match. So, I keep attending the support group for so long where I eventually met Jo."
"But you said you've only been with her for two years?" Harry says, and he looks so tired---worn out---the skin under his eyes are purple from lack of sleep and his bottom lip bitten raw. "In the car. You said Margeary has a fiance and you've been with he for two years." He says absently, then he lets out a humorless chuckle.
Zayn nods tightly "We weren't official till we were both eighteen. That was when I started to think that I would never find my match. I lost hope and so did Jo. We both started spending our time together and that was when I realized that even without our tattoo that doesn't mean we couldn't find love."
"Do you love her?" Harry swallows, balling his hands into fist.
He hesitates when he saw the anxious look on Harry's face but Zayn knows he can't lie to Harry anymore and he doesn't want to, so he shakes his head with guilt before looking at him in the eyes. "Of course, Haz." Harry whimpers at that
"But you slept with someone else?" He spits "When I went home with Louis that night, you went home with someone else! Do you even remember her fucking name?"
"Of course, I do." Zayn says, not knowing why Nicole's name matters."Her name's Nic-"
Harry lets out a harsh laugh "I don't mean for you to tell me who you slept with, you twat. Do you think I want to know the names of the girls you've slept with. It was a fucking rhetorical question, Zayn!"
"I'm sorry." Zayn palms his head in frustration "I know I fucked up, but this isn't what I want for us."
"I just want to know why you sleep with people when you have a fucking fiance." Zayn gulps at Harry's angry tone. He raises his chin to look at Zayn with anger.
"Jo was still clinging to this small hope that we might find our other halves, so she told me that we can look for them until we're married. I know it sounds fucked, but I guess we only agreed to get engaged so that when we actually don't find what we're looking for we still have each other."
When Zayn looks up, he swears that Harry looks so resigned.
"So, you have an open relationship?"
Zayn hesitates before nodding "Sort of. It's the only chance we know how to find our soulmates, but we have a rule." He exhales and starts talking slowly "We can look for our other halves but we can't catch feelings unless we're certain the person we're with is our soulmate. So, we're basically allowed to sleep with people, we just can't be sentimental."
"That's-" Harry squeezes his eyes shut then opens them again, as if he's trying to wake himself up from a bad dream. "That's fucked, Zayn."
"I know." He whispers guiltily.
"How long have you been engaged?"
"She's been my girlfriend for two years then I proposed to her when I was 22."
"You've been engaged with her for two years." Harry gasps.
"She said that if one of us finds our soulmate, we don't have to continue with the wedding." Zayn says, biting his lips.
"But nether of you haven't found your soulmate." He frowns.
Zayn nods deliberately.
"When's the wedding?" Harry asks, holding his breath.
"After she finishes her uni." He says quietly.
"When will she finish?" He asks, and his voice sounds so scared that it made Zayn look away.
"She just finished three weeks ago, Harry." Zayn answers softly "That's why she's here."
He heard Harry let out a pained sound that made Zayn shuts his eyes in affliction.
"Harry." Zayn whispers, wanting to reach out.
"I don't-" Harry stutters, clutching on his chest again "I don't know why I'm hurting so much."
"I-I'm so sorry."
"Zayn?" Harry cries "Why do I feel like I'm dying?"
"Harry." Zayn gapes before reaching to him to hug him.
Harry grips on him firmly as if Zayn's going to disappear in any moment. They stayed like that for several minutes, with Harry's head nestled on the crook of his neck and their arms tight around each other, until Harry's heart starts to calm down and the hiccups stops.
"I thought you're done with me?" Zayn whispers, brushing Harry's hair.
Harry tightens his arms around Zayn's body "I ran after you, Zayn. Then I practically mount you in your corridor." He says flatly.
Zayn lets out a tiny chuckle "Fair." He says quietly, kissing Harry's hair.
After a while, Harry speaks again "Are you going to marry her?"
When minutes have passed and Zayn didn't answer, Harry detaches himself from Zayn and looks at him as if Zayn just took a piss on him. "Zayn!" He hisses.
"What can I do, Harry?" He asks, raising his voice as well "I can't just back out-"
"Why not?" He steps back as if Zayn shoved him off, and he looks so betrayed by Zayn's words.
"Why would I, Harry?" He asks "What is there for me if I leave my fiance? You?" He lets out a humorless laugh.
But his face softens, when Harry starts to resemble like a kicked puppy.
Zayn frowns in confusion "You have a soulmate, Harry."
Harry bites his lips before taking Zayn's hands "Let's run away." He says with a manic frenzy "Let's leave and never return. We could go to Southampton to my sister or to L.A or to wherever you want...Just-just stay with me."
Zayn gapes "You have a soulmate and I have a fiance-"
"Then why does being with you feels so fucking right, Zayn?"
"I-" Zayn looks around, feeling like a caged animal. "I just can't-"
"Then why not?" He hisses. "Why can't we run away? Why can't you leave her?"
"When my parents found out about Jo, they were ecstatic because I found someone to be happy with. They finally stopped worrying over me feeling sad about not having a tattoo when they saw how good Jo is for me."
"You don't want to leave her because of your parents? That's a fucked reason to stay with someone, Zayn."
"I'm fine spending my life with her. If I break up with her, my mum would start feeling sorry for me again and my dad will be convinced that I couldn't find anyone else other than Jo."
"What about me, then?" Harry whispers "You found me."
Zayn's breath hitches at that "Y-you know we can't be together. You have Grimmy."
"But there has to be something that we can do." He says looking as desperate as he sounds "This can't be it. There has to be a way. I can talk to Grimmy and you can talk to Jo-"
"About what?" Zayn asks "That we'll leave them so we can be together-"
"Yes!"
"We can't do that. Can you even hear yourself?" Zayn scoffs. "Wanting to leave your soulmate to be with your fuck buddy?"
Harry looks away. "I don't know what it is, but I feel like I don't belong with him."
Zayn bows his head sadly. "I just don't want you to wake up one day beside me and regret that you run away with me."
Harry shakes his head. "Waking up next to you is the only thing I could possibly want right now."
Zayn looks at him with pained eyes. "We can't just abandon them."
"Do you even love her?'
Zayn kept quiet until he looks Harry from under his lashes "I want to."
Harry bites his lips before stepping into Zayn's personal space and holding his shoulders "And what about me? Do you love me?"
Zayn gasp at the question, not expecting those words to leave Harry's lips. Instead of answering him, Zayn takes his face in his hands and attaches their lips together. When their lips catch, the shock of it is enough to make Zayn pull away, but Harry pulls him close and they hum when their mouths meet. Zayn presses his fingers into his hot cheeks as he kisses him again, just once, a gentle little kiss that's enough to make his heart slam into his ribs as he leans in to kiss him again.
He wants it to be like this forever, hazy and floaty and their lips never parting away, the pair of them shivering with the promise of it. But it will never be like this again, the thought makes Zayn's heart ache. They will never have another kiss, never want each other as much as they want each other now.
He pulls Harry's face closer as he lunges forward, and for a minute all that was on his mind was Harry. Zayn was pouring his unsaid feelings into Harry's mouth. His tongue practically spelling the three little words on Harry's lips, his moan is whispering the words I love you and I need you and I want you. It feels as though he's resuscitating him, breathing life into his lungs. Harry grips Zayn tighter, hands bunching into his shirt and tugging him closer.
Zayn was dizzy with the kiss, with Harry reaching for him and pulling him into a more frantic kiss that makes him sigh into his mouth. They melt into it, Harry holding his face and kissing him with a desperation that brings tears to Zayn's eyes. He clutches Harry's back, pulling him closer so there's no space between them at all, the buckle of Zayn's belt is digging into Harry's stomach as they stumble into the sidewalk and fall against the theater wall. Harry peels his mouth away from his, kissing his jaw, his throat, his neck then his mouth again, as though he can't bear to be away from it for a few moments.
They only pull away after a moment, both gasping for air. When Zayn looks at Harry, his eyes blazen and wild, his lips red and wet, and he's looking at Zayn as if he's ready to give up everything for him, to run away with him, to follow him to the end of the world, to be with him forever. He was looking at Zayn as if he was the answer to all of his problems and there's nothing Zayn could do that could make Harry hate him.
Harry smiles at him shyly, and before Harry even says it, Zayn could tell the next words Harry's about to say. Zayn's heart clench when he saw that glint on his eyes, the look of fond, the look of someone sickly in love.
"Zayn, I'm in lo-"
"We should stop." Zayn blurts out, letting go of Harry and taking a step back "I'm so sorry, Harry."
Harry's breath falters "W-what?"
"I'm so sorry for everything. For not telling you about her, for involving you in my mess, for making you think that I could ever make you happy."
Harry looks at him with wide eyes as if Zayn just slapped him "That's what you're sorry about?" He hisses.
"What else is there to be sorry of?"
Harry looks at him with an incredulous expression "For making me fall in love with you when you have a fiance, you fucking prick." He growls.
Zayn bites his lips as Harry looks down and covers his face with his hands. His shoulder starts moving up and down, his lips releasing quiet sobs and Zayn stood frozen on the spot. It's a heart-wrenching, gut-punching, throat-clogging to see Harry cry.
And when Zayn steps up to him to hug him, he stops when he hears Harry's chanting I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.