She rolled in her bed as the night faded out, making way for the luminous sun. Even the sun couldn't reach where she was. The dark place she was had no way out. It was suffocating her. Making her claustrophobic.
For others things fell apart. But She thought for past few months for her things were falling in place. She was living a illusion, thinking she deserved something better than darkness and pain. Well, fate put her in her place. Snatching everything in a second.
Her phone had been off since she had come home past friday. It was almost a week now. And she was stuck in the whirlpool, neither drowning nor surviving. Her brother had been calling, trying to get through to her, but she didn't do anything. Her days were spent staring at ceiling.
Now that she had come to terms with her reality. She was hit with the dilemma whether she wanted to know who her father was. Was he even alive? Would he ever want to see her? What he also rejected her?
Sanaz had come home. Scolding her. Frosty had come. Yelling at her. Zarmina came. Consoling her. But she just stared at their faces. Hardly listening to what was being said.
But he had stayed away, yet she knew he came everyday. Checking up on her through Falak. Bringing food for her. Peeking a glance at her and then leaving. But he also hadn't been back for past two days.
The only reason she left the bed was because she needed to use the bathroom. Even Akira was taken care of by Sanaz.
She just couldn't leave the bed. Sleep becoming her escape. The blanket her safety. And she was there once again staring at the wall when the door opened.
"Come on let's go." Sanaz sat on the edge of the bed. Running her hands through Rabail's disheveled hair. She closed her eyes in content. It felt good. "You need to leave your bed. Come on lets get ready."
"I'm not going, Sanaz." She turned around, her back towards Sanaz, facing the wall. "He is going to be there. I can't go. He invited me. I can't do this. I don't want to face him. He expects things that I can't give him."
She was glad her eyes were closed, caging her tears.
"Rayyan invited us all after him. This is us. He is our friend."
"No, it's his people. His life. I have lost it all. I'm not going back. I'm trying to leave all this."
She heard her dejected roommate sigh.
"Why are you taking it out on him?"
"Because leaving everything and everyone is easy. Except him. He is like blood in my veins. Light of my eyes. But I can't do this. I can't when I know that the moment he finds out the truth he is going to leave any ways."
"You don't know that, Rabail." Her roommate's fingers were detangling the nest of her hair. It felt soothing.
"I know my truth Sanaz and I can't even accept myself so how can I believe he is going to accept me."
"What's causing all this Rabail, tell me. You're hurting, babe, let us in."
"No." She sniffed.
"Hello Bitches!" She heard Falak's exciting voice. "How do I look?"
She turned around and literally had her jaw drop. Falak was wearing a dress. A knee length Red Velvet skater dress with leggings and heeled ankle boots.
"You look so damn beautiful." She sat up against the wall. Her long, disheveled brown hair falling on her shoulder's.
"You're wearing a dress?" Sanaz stared at their housemate with wide eyes. "Did the sun come out from the wrong side or what?"
"Shut up. I'm just trying to look nice. His family is there. I don't want to have a wrong impression."
"And why do you want to impress his family?"
"I'm just trying to look nice. It's not that serious."
"Sureeeee!" Sanaz raises her eyebrows in suspicion.
"Anyways, someone is on the phone for Miss. Rabail."
Is it him? Her heart slammed in her ribs. Her heart betraying what she wanted to make herself believe. He hadn't showed up for past two and it scared her. Did he give up? Did he get tired of her like she thought?
"Hello?" Taking Falak's iPhone she said.
"I heard you are ditching my dinner."
It's not him. Her heart dropped as she bit her lip trying to keep her sob in.
"No. I just-"
"Look this is my home and you Miss Arabica are my guest so get your midget self here."
"Listen I-"
"I'm telling you if you don't show up. I'm holding up on food. You really wanna piss off that many people and get bad karma. And if you still don't show up i'm sending over Zach."
"Okay." She sighed.
"See you later."
She leaned back and put her head against the wall.
"You snitched on me, Falak?" She shook her head at Falak.
"You think we were gonna leave you here. You didnt leave me alone when I needed you even though I bitched about thousand things. You bailed me out of jail countless time. Spending the night with me there. You are my person, Rabail. So how can we not be yours?"
She put her head down and tears fell from her eyes.
"Come on. No melodrama. We are getting late. Go shower."
After showering and changing into a black full-sleeve maxi dress. Leaving behind her bangles and just wearing a rubber band. Her body felt too heavy to move. To put an effort, but her friends, her sisters were there. Sanaz brushed her hair neatly tying it in a bun and then fixing her hijab for her. Falak hopped on her bed and kept her entertained with her gossip. Zarmina showed up with her make up bag and did her makeup. Framing her red rimmed eyes with kohl to conceal the sleepless nights and painting her lips dark red.
Her eyes watered. This was her family. They were her sisters. They loved her without judging her and with all her imperfections.
"I swear to God,Rabail, if you started crying I will murder you." Zarmina threatened her as she dusted something on her cheekbones with a fluffy brush.
She stared herself in the mirror. The girl in the mirror was not her. She had been broken before. Shattered in pieces. But this girl had no hope. No identity. No name. No father. No heart.
Who was she?
Her bangles lost and scattered on the floor just like her existence. Her essence was unknown. She was sin. And sins only had destruction written for them.
She had taken her own car. Have the option to escape if she needed it. She leaned against the glass wall of the patio door. People around her bustling and buzzing with gratitude and joy. In her heart there was just a cavity instead. Filled with emptiness and ambiguities.
She didn't know what it was in her that knew he had arrived. Because when her eyes looked up from her glass, he came through the hallway. Looking like a fallen angel in his black suit and those ever so long hair tied in a bun. She sucked in as if breathing had just became struggle.
Trolling behind him was her.
Of course
The promises were lies. Like she knew. He gave up within a week so how could he hold his promises for life. No one wants to run after an illusion and she had become an illusion. A dark illusion filled with pain and sadness.
She looked down to her glass, as she swirled the apple cider in it. Sad chuckle bubbling in her throat. Beauty and the Beast. They were meant to be. She could never fit in to his world. He needed light and all she had left was darkness.
He had ask for forgiveness and repentance. He had gotten his redemption. He was pious now. No longer a sinner. But she was a sin. A sin that was unforgivable and unforgettable. A sin that was going to take people to hell and he had spent his time in hell and Now long gone from there.
Their eyes met. His dark ones not wavering once as he watched her. The redness reflecting in them from far. She looked away, defeated. She didn't have it in her to fight. On what basis was she even going to fight?
Rabail Noor was an illusion.
/////
His heart cracked one more time. She looked hauntingly beautiful. Broken Angel. As she stood by the glass staring at the beach. Her eyes hadn't stayed on him for long and he was robbed of staring into those daunting brown eyes behind her glasses.
Go to her. Forget giving her space. She needs you. Most of all you need her. She is your redemption. She your solace. Go to her. Be her solace. Be her strength.
Before he could catch her, she disappeared in Rayyan's backyard. He weaved his way through the
throng of people following her fading figure to the beach beyond the backyard.
His footsteps were quiet as he watched her. Trailing along the coastline. Staring in to the evening sky. Watching the last of rays paint the sky in beautiful hues of orange. She sat there, staring at the waves crash against the sand.
"I thought you didn't like beach?"
He unbuttoned his jacket and sat next to her. She kept staring at the water.
"Sometimes you find solace in things..." She tuned, looked into his eyes once and back to the water. "And people that are not meant for you."
The silence stretched between them. So much she wanted to say. He could feel that, but she stayed quiet.
"Why did you do it?" He whispered. "Why didn't you call me before that?"
He stared at his own hands. He was hurt and for the first time he let her know that what her actions had done to him.
"I saw you there. Covered in blood. My whole life flashed in front of me. Fear closed in on me. I couldn't move because I thought if I touched you I'd find you dead. And that night I spent at the hospital. I thought the Angel of Death was on my shoulder. One wrong word from the doctors and my soul would be gone."
"Why didn't you trust me Rabi? Why didn't you?" His voice wavered and her eyes shot up. The silent tears escaping from his eyes. Letting her know how hurt he had been.
"You couldn't save me, Asfi, nobody could. It was me against my own identity and I lost."
"Still, you should have called out for me. Just once. Let me be there."
"How could you save me from my truth?"
"Your truth doesn't define you."
"It does." Her voice became hollow. Fearful. Laced with pain. "Do you even know who I am." She looked him dead in his eyes. Daring him. "I'm an illegitimate daughter of a man that I don't even know the name of. My mother called me a Sin."
He stared at her ruefully. She took his silence wrong. Her lips wavered and she stood up to leave. But before she could step away he clasped his hand around her wrist, the bandage still on it. Stopping her from leaving.
He looked up into her disappointed eyes. Does she really think I'll leave her because of this? She really did believe that. But then again life hadn't given her a chance to trust blindly and trust the word love.
"If you had come to know about this after we had gotten married, what would you've done? Would you have left me like this?"
Her legs trembled at his question and she slowly sat back down. Frozen. Staring at him as if he'd just taken away her breath.
"Truth be told, you'd be the one to leave me. Our world doesn't allow us to have that unconditional acceptance?" She stared at their connected hands, the words leaving her shaking lips.
"Your truth is distorted, did I leave you the other day or you made me leave?"
"What do you mean?" She was confused. Drawing circles in sand with her finger.
"I've been known your truth, Rabi." Her fingers froze, buried in the cold sand. "Hassan told me that night after he went home after your outburst. We all know your truth."
"Why didn't you tell me then?" She whispered. Scared of what his answer might be.
"Because it doesnt matter, Rabi, it doesn't matter where you come from. It doesn't matter who your father is and who isn't. You didn't choose who your parents or what their relationship is to each other. So no, it doesn't define you. And you're not illegitimate or a sin or whatever your mother says so. You're just a daughter whose parents don't happen to be married. And that's not you. You're Rabail Noor. A fighter. A survivor. A woman whose here because of her own strength and hard work. So fight for that woman and stand with your head held high"
"But I have seen people how they treat kids like that, they have no home, no family," Her voice gone painfully quiet, "nowhere to go."
"You are not going to let them call you anything that you don't like. Nobody even knows an inch of what you have been through in your life. You have suffered and you didn't let it change you. They havent walked in your shoes to know what the world had put you through and you still chose to be this beautiful, kind, compassionate and strong woman. So you won't allow them to call you anything but these beautiful words you deserve."
"And you have a family, the roommates who became closer than your sisters. Sanaz, Falak, Zarmina and even Ayla now. Frosty is there to cheer you up. You even have Rayyan here. And Zach... God, he lost it. When he saw you at the hospital, it was as if he was losing his own kid. He is still mad at you so he hadn't come seen you. And home..." he stared into her eyes that held the light of the sun. The doubt leaving her eyes increment by increment. "We'll build home together, you, me, Willow, Akira... Our Home. With Lots of light in it, and where we curate everything with love and care, where it's only Asfandyar and his Rabi. And someday their family with mini Asfi and Rabail."
"You still want to marry me?" She was dazed, as if fate would still play it's last game and turn everything over for her.
"I've been carrying this since you brought Willow to my house."
He pulled out something from the pocket of his suit jacket and put it in her open palms. It was a small black velvet box.
"Marry me not because of anything else, but just because I love you. Just because you are mine and I'm yours. I want to spend every second from here on with you. I want the whole of you whether it's your pain, your scars, your sins... I don't care. I just want you. You're not a sin, Rabi. How could you ever be a sin, when you're my redemption. You have gotten me forgiveness and family so how could you be anything, but the answer to my prayers."