I am so sorry this has taken me so long for me to write. I'm in the middle of doing so many essays and haven't had as much time as well as doing the other imagines books. I will be posting another one to this imagines book as soon as I can. Thank you all for reading, voting and for the great comments!
WARNING: TRIGGERING; suicide attempt.
"Your so full of life."
"Your such a happy and positive person."
"Your always so nice to people and your such a great person to be around."
That's what they always say to me, what they say I am. But that just shows they really don't know me at all. They don't know what I'm really like, but I know, and I hate every second of it. I have played my life in a routine, always the same way. I get up, shower, get ready for the day, go to work, come home, eat, sleep and repeat. Sometimes life throws me curve balls in the form of my friends when they want to hang out. They very rarely drag me off places as a group, but when they do, it's always something so far out of my depth I just want to go home as soon as I'm there. But I spend most of my time with Gwilym, which I never minded at all seeing as he distracts me from my thoughts and I love him. So much it hurts. I want to make them all happy, so that's what I always tried for. I just, in turn, forgot to take care of my own happiness.
After an hour of spending time hanging out with Gwilym, just talking and drinking at Gwilym's place, I ask to leave with the excuse of needing fresh air and head to the beach. I always thought Gwilym was lucky to live by the beach. While I had never come down here to swim, seeing as I can't swim, I always thought the scenery was absolutely beautiful, especially at sunset.
The calm before the storm.
This is it. This is the perfect place and time for everything to end. I start taking my first steps into the freezing cold water, thinking about everyone and everything in my life. I know everyone will be fine without me, even Gwilym. Even though I love him, I know he would be better off without me in his life, even though we were only just friends. The water is up to my hips now, but the waves are starting to crash against me. Pushing and pulling me as I make my way further in the ocean, until the ground slips from under me and I plunge completely into the icy water.
I know my natural instincts will start to kick in soon as my lungs start to protest, but I know its not use. Throughout this whole time, the only thing repeating in my head is; Gwilym is be okay. I can't hold onto my breath any more and water fills my lungs before everything falls into darkness.
********************
"Come on Y/N. Please stay with me, come back to me." I hear a familiar trembling voice say. My chest is full of pain as I feel the pressure of hands pushing down on my chest. But then the pain stops and lips press against mine, filling my lungs with much needed air before I hunch over, spluttering and couching up the water in my lungs.
"Thank god. Let it all out, Y/N." Gwilym says, patting my back until I finish. I turn to look at Gwilym who sits down closely next to me with a sigh of relief, but worry still evident on his face. I didn't succeed.
"What do you mean you didn't succeed? Y/N, did you do this on purpose?" I guess I just said that out loud. I look down, not being able to meet his eyes and tell him the truth, but apparently this is the only thing he needed to know the truth. He grabs hold of my hand, squeezing it as if he's afraid that if he lets go, I'll try again. "Why? Please, just tell me why?" I never meant to tell him, but the heartbreak I heard in his voice made me feel like I had to.
"Because I'm tired, Gwil." I force myself to talk through the pain of my throat. "I'm tired of feeling unwanted, unloved and broken. I'm tired of constantly trying to live up to everyone's expectations of me when I know I'm not what you all say I am. I'm done." Throughout this all, I still refuse to meet his eyes, knowing its easier if I don't.
"Y/N, look at me." He says in a tone which forces me to reluctantly look up at him. His eyes convey so much love, it's almost overpowering. "You are so loved and are so very much wanted. Not only by me, but by everyone. Y/N, I've always loved you. So much that I always want you close to me and I never want you to leave me. Why do you think I ask you to stay over whenever you come around? It's because I love you."
Tears start welling in my eyes as Gwilym's tears roll down his cheeks, and he carries on talking. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you. I'm sorry I didn't see you hurting, but I'm here now and I'll help you through this. We all will. Everyone of us who loves you and you have so many people who love you. Who says you have to live up to everyone's expectations? Doing that just makes you miserable, so you need to stop and focus on yourself, focus on what makes you happy."
"But, Gwil, what if that's not enough. What if your not enough?" I ask and I know it hurts him, but he quickly tries to mask it.
"We'll just have to try. Together. But it won't work or help you if you don't try too. You deserve to be happy here, with all of us, but you need to try and be happy. Please, promise me you will try. Not for us, but for yourself."
I thought today was going to be the end of everything, but I guess life, but more importantly Gwilym, isn't ready to give up on me just yet.
"Okay, I promise."
Please if you or anyone else you know is suicidal, please try and seek out help whether it's with someone you know or an anonymous person. We all need to try and be there for one another.
I love you all!