i heard him calling from the other room, my heart leaped. the words i was about to let fall from my lips could end us. they could also ensure a future.
i liked to think if this was the end we would find our way back, that somehow we would always find ourselves together again.
i knew that if i truly loved matty in this moment i had to let him have his fame. of course he would be the father to my child and would see the baby all the time, that wouldn't change. he would be very present in its life, always. but he had to chase his dream and i had to re discover my passions and live for myself again.
"grace? baby, baby what's wrong?" matty asked crouching beside me as i sat on the edge of the bed hugging my legs to my chest
"i ... matty what i'm about to say you can't hate me for"
"the last time you said that it was the best thing to happen, i couldn't ever hate you, you know that" , i nearly laughed, it seemed like a life time ago i found out i was pregnant.
"you shouldn't have to give up touring" i whispered, his face dropped and i swear he turned grey
"grace-" he started
"no matty, i know how much this band means to you"
"you mean more" he tried to argue, i shook my head
"it's okay matty because i don't think i do, but i understand and respect that. the boys are your family"
"you two are my family" he replied
"and we always will be" i told him, he stared at me for a few seconds before rubbing his face with his hands
"what about you?" he asked
"what about me?"
"you're letting me go for my music but what am i letting you go for?" , a small smile crept across my face
"i don't know" i sighed
"and i need to discover that, but i will and then i'll know what my passion is. because i just feel like i'm floating without a cause right now" i told him
"you'll find it" he said, i fought the urge to throw my arms around him
"so what does this mean?" he asked me
"i think it means we go our separate ways for a while, i think we let one another go"
"but" he started
"of course you will still be here and present for the baby, i'll keep you in the loop of everything, your still the dad and that won't ever change" i promised him, he relaxed a little before his eyes welled up
"grace i- i don't want to go, i don't want this to end"
"neither do i" i mumbled
"then why?"
"because i don't want you to stop touring matty, not ever. i've seen the thrill you get when they shout for you and you're only going to get bigger from here" i told him
"and i don't want you to regret it when you're older or hate me for not going"
"we will find our way back to each other won't we?" he asked
"i think we will matty, i always think we will"
"you found me at my lowest you know" he said with dark eyes
"i did?" i asked
"yeah ... everything was bad with gabby when you found me and .. well you saved me" he blurted out
"you already know you saved me" i told him
"maybe it's time to save ourselves" he concluded out loud, i smiled at him. he really was the most beautiful boy i'd ever love, his perfect curls faking around his face and his crooked smile lighting up.
it seemed like only yesterday our eyes connected on the cold wall outside my house. i was so broken when he found me, so small and unaware of the world and why it would hold. i thought he was nothing more than a passing face who cared to ask. but i truly did owe him my life, he brought me the sunshine when all i saw was darkness, he brought me hope and love and i could only hope i gave him exactly the same
we still had details to iron out but right now alone in a hotel room we ended. and we did it so beautifully, we promised that we would return eventually and i truly believed we would. i decided to ignore the fact i would now be alone, not because i couldn't do it, i could, i was a strong woman and i didn't need a man. i just knew that without matty in the way i had him life would be different.
but i also knew a small part of him would always be mine just as i would always be his.
we loved the way everyone should, we burned so young and so hard and this wasn't the end, i knew that.
"i'll always love you" i told him, he took my hand and placed it onto his chest
"i love you" he told me the tears welling and spilling over down his cheeks
i nodded rested my head on his shoulder, tears dropped from my eyes as i pulled away to see his doing the same. i kissed his lips knowing this could be the last time i'd hold him in such a way.
his mouth parted as the words he spoke spilled out, i would always remember them
"i will always love you, when you're ready grace, come back to me" , i nodded silently as i watched him get up and walk to the wardrobe, he pulled out his notebook, the one i bought him back in greece and placed it on my lap, i looked at him in confusion
"don't read it now, but i want you to have it" , o smiled with all i had left in me as i clasps the book to my chest and used it comfort the ache inside my body. my world as i knew was falling apart, but i knew it had to so i could rebuild it.
"i'll go tonight" i told matty, worry crossed his face
"no, stay for the show tomorrow it's our last"
"matty-" i started
"let that be our goodbye" he said
"haven't we already had it?" i mused
"we deserve to fade beautifully, let's let the show be the last goodbye" he bartered, i gave in, i didn't want to leave just yet
"okay" i said
"where will you live?" he asked, my mind began to hurt as i realised i didn't have anything figured out
"i'll sort it all out matty, you don't have to worry" , he laughed
"i'll always worry about you" he muttered.
i cleared my throat knowing if i stayed here i would fall and give in, i would take matty back with no questions asked, i couldn't cave so soon, i had to let this be the end of us, i had to let tomorrow be the goodbye.
"i'll stay with george tonight" i told matty
"i can do that you don't have to"
"no matty i wanna" i said
"you sure?" he asked as i already began to pack my bags
"of course i am"
"you're so headstrong" he said
"you say it like it's a bad thing"
"it's definitely a good thing" he answered
"but?"
"but it means you're leaving me" he added. i smiled lugging my bags towards the door before looking at matty and smiling and shrugging my shoulders
"see you tomorrow healy"