Description: For but a moment, Caitlin allows her mind to drift to what might have been. Set post-season 5.
Nobody asked for angst but here we are. All aboard the pain train. Woot Woot!
...
The apartment was quiet, deafeningly so. Caitlin Snow was used to the quiet, she often found peace in it. But not today, today it was suffocating. It wasn't just quiet anymore, it was empty, much like her life seemed to be these days. In the span of a month, Caitlin had watched those who were closest to her slowly filter out of her life.
First, it was her dad, she had gained him, only to lose him for the second time in her life. Her mother followed suit. Caitlin had thought that the whole experience had brought the two of them closer together, but after a while, she stopped returning her calls.
Cisco came next, more or less. Though, Caitlin had to remind herself that she hadn't lost him. He just had a life outside S.T.A.R. Labs and metahumans now. He had another job, a girlfriend, and a chance at normality. Caitlin didn't want to ruin it for him, didn't want to pull him back into a life he had seemed so eager to be free from.
It had been almost three weeks to the day since Nora had vanished. Some days it felt like she took Barry and Iris with her. Iris stopped showing up at the lab after week one, and Barry began to keep his distance not long after. He still came when there was a meta, of course, but after the job was done he would be gone just as quickly. Sherloque had left too, and it seemed even Ralph's life had pulled him in a different direction.
Most days, it was just her at the lab, and most evenings it was just her alone in her apartment. Solitude seemed to be her new background music. She still had Killer Frost, of course, but even she had been uncharacteristically quiet lately.
Caitlin drew in a deep breath and closed the book she had been trying to focus on for the past twenty minutes. She had been attempting to distract herself from it all, but some days it was harder than others. Some days all she could focus on was the absence. Other days, her thoughts ran rampant and it was all she could do to keep the crushing grief at bay.
Caitlin stood up from where she had been seated and set her book down, picking up her phone instead. After that, she plopped down on the couch and folded her legs beneath her, her fingers beginning to scroll through her contacts. She needed to talk to someone, she needed a voice to fill the silence.
Caitlin scrolled up and down for several minutes, but never once hit the call button. In the end, she found herself simply staring blankly at her phone screen, unsure of where she stood with any of the people that had once meant so much to her. After a moment, her eyes came back into focus and a certain name caught her eye.
Barry Allen.
Caitlin considered it for a moment, her finger hovering over the contact. However, she quickly dismissed the thought; he had his own grief and problems to deal with, he didn't need hers as well. Caitlin was about to close her phone when something halted her.
"Call him," an ice-cold voice echoed through her mind.
"No," Caitlin only shook her head. "I'm sure he's busy."
"You and I both know that's just an excuse," she answered. "Just call him. You always feel better after you talk to him. We both do."
Caitlin stared at the name for a few moments more, weighing her options.
"Do it, or I'll do it for us," Frost prompted, almost playfully.
"Fine, fine," Caitlin muttered, slamming her finger down on the call button before she lost her nerve.
She brought the phone up to her ear, her heart rate quickening slightly. The line rang twice before it was picked up, a familiar voice filling her ears.
"Hey," Barry's voice crackled through the speaker. He seemed calm, almost happy. Caitlin felt a bit of relief wash over her.
"Hey," Caitlin echoed, a small smile tugging at her lips.
"Is everything alright?" He inquired, a sudden worry in his tone. "I didn't miss a meta alert did I?"
Caitlin felt a panic surface within her, followed by a pang of melancholy. The panic was because she realized she didn't really have a concrete reason to be calling, but the pang was because there had once been a time when she hadn't needed one.
"No, no, everything's fine," Caitlin shook her head, casting her gaze downward. "I just...I wanted to see how you were doing," she admitted.
"I'm good," he replied brightly, though there was a catch in his words. He was lying. She knew he was.
Caitlin had never wanted to facepalm so hard in that one moment. Of course, he wasn't alright. He had just lost his daughter less than a month ago and the man that had repeatedly ruined his life had gotten away. Caitlin brought her hand up to cover her face, mentally kicking herself. How could she be so stupid?
"How have you been?" Barry inquired after a few moments.
"I've been doing alright," she lied, hoping she did a better job at masking her words then he did.
"That's good," Barry said quietly, a softness to his voice.
There was silence for a beat.
"It's...uh...it's been a while," Barry spoke up, and Caitlin felt a spark of hope ignite within her.
"It has," she agreed. "Maybe we could do some catching up tomorrow? Get some drinks, like old times. Or see a movie?" She suggested hopefully, absently tugging at the hem of her sock.
"I...I wish I could," Barry replied, a hesitance to his words. "It's just tomorrow is family dinner night at Joe and Cecile's, and they're expecting me and Iris there."
Caitlin deflated instantly, her shoulders slumping. "Right, right. Sorry, I should've realized," she shook her head, keeping her voice as even as she could.
"If you want I could come over tonight though," Barry offered, perking up a bit.
"No, it's alright. It's getting pretty late anyway," she declined. Because what else was she going to do?
She couldn't very well ask him to come over at 10:00 at night just because she wanted a shoulder to lean on. Or because she missed how things used to be. Tonight, tomorrow, the next, a month, it didn't matter. Things between them would never be what they once were and Caitlin had been a fool to ever think otherwise. Barry had a wife and a family and a life far away from S.T.A.R. Labs, one that he had been more than happy to embrace in the past few years. A few simple drinks or a movie would not change anything. The reality was, he was no longer there for her in the way he used to be, and Caitlin would just have to learn to live with that.
"I'll see you..." Caitlin began, but trailed off. When exactly would she see him again? "Soon," she finished, doing her best to cram a smile into her tone.
The seconds that followed were quiet, the only sound over the line being their shallow breaths. In that moment, Caitlin allowed her mind to drift. Drift to what might have been.
...
When they first met, he had been a patient and nothing more. Another broken body for her to mend, and a new responsibility to factor into her daily routine. But somehow everything changed the moment he opened his eyes. Her entire life changed.
She had panicked, at first. Because what was she supposed to do when her comatose patient of six months sat up and started talking? She had practically attacked him with a flashlight and various other medical instruments, and even gone as far as to unceremoniously ask him for a urine sample. He probably should've been horrified of her after that. He wasn't.
Later that day, Caitlin found herself standing in front of him, prepping his suit to test his supposed 'super speed.' He looked at her as she did, really looked at her, more then anybody had in a very long time.
"What?" Caitlin spoke, her voice coming out harsher then she meant it to.
"Nothing," Barry shook his head, unfazed. "I just noticed you don't smile too much."
Caitlin was a bit taken back. By now, most people were used to the mask she had adopted over the past six months. And those who weren't, didn't ask.
"My once-promising career as a bio-engineer is over. My boss is in a wheelchair for life. The explosion that put you in a coma also killed my fiancé," she listed off, her tone matter of fact. "So this blank expression kinda feels like the way to go."
Barry only nodded, and Caitlin hoped that her words would deter him from her in the future. It didn't.
By the end of the week, she caught herself smiling at him.
...
It took her a while to get used to this version of Barry Allen. The one that was awake and so full of life. He was clumsy and goofy and a tad bit reckless.
At first, he seemed like everything Caitlin wasn't. He was fast and impulsive, she was steady and cautious. He smiled a lot, she didn't. Barry was like an exploding dye pack of color, while Caitlin often felt she lived in shades of gray.
She was guarded at first, her walls as high as the towering stories of a Central City skyscraper. But gradually, they began to lower around him. Something about him put her at ease and temporarily soothed the ache in her soul. After she finally let him in, it didn't take her long to realize they were more alike than she ever could've imagined.
...
Caitlin hadn't known the awake version of Barry six months before he had gotten her to do something not even Ronnie had been able to do. He got her to loosen up and have fun. Though, at the price of a very bad hangover.
If asked, she would say she regretted it, but deep down, she didn't. Barry had brought out a side of her she hadn't known existed. A side of her that liked to sing, and dance, and had genuinely had a good time with him. For the first time since the Particle Accelerator exploded, she felt like maybe she could move on with her life. Like maybe she could be happy again. She told him as much as they stood in the hallway the next day.
"Time for me to move on, find someone new to be crazy about," she informed with a smile, hoping maybe he'd get the hint.
He smiled too, and they went their separate ways, promising to see each other in the morning. That night, Barry called her and asked if she'd like to get dinner sometime. She didn't even have to think twice about her answer.
...
Caitlin didn't know what she was doing or why, but she couldn't stop herself. She just felt so cold and angry, and words kept spilling from her mouth without her consent. The harder she tried to fight it, the more she seemed to spiral. Something dark and volatile had clawed its way to the surface of her mind, giving her icy powers to match.
Killer Frost.
She was going to be just like her double from Earth-2. She was going to hurt her friends and everyone around her. She was going to end up killing someone. She was going to become a monster.
"You're sick," Barry spoke from the other side of the glass.
A cell. She was in a pipeline cell. That's where she was. They had locked her up, just like they did with all the other dangerous metas.
"I'm broken, Barry!" She all but screamed, her voice carrying a frigid undertone.
Barry paused for a moment, a sadness in his eyes. Slowly, he took a step forward, moving until he was just inches from the glass.
"Then let me help you pick up the pieces," he answered, his voice nearly a whisper.
Caitlin's breath hitched, and for a moment the raging storm in her mind ceased.
"Come back to me, Cait. Please," he spoke with tears in his eyes, placing his palm against the glass.
Caitlin nodded slowly, moving her own hand to mirror his. After that something in her broke, a wall cracked, a dam gave way. She felt tears begin to fill her eyes and a sob escaped her throat. She crumbled in on herself, her knees beginning to buckle. Before she hit the floor, Barry was in the cell with her, holding her tightly in his arms. Caitlin held him equally as tight, tears streaming down her features.
"I've got you," he whispered softly as she buried her face in his shoulder. "It's gonna be okay," he added.
For the first time since all this started, she genuinely believed it.
...
They had fought so hard to get to where they were now. So much pain and tragedy and disaster, but they were here and they were together.
Caitlin hadn't known if anything would ever be the same after Barry got out of the Speed Force. He was different, they both were. But gradually, they had adjusted. They had fallen back into rhythm, back into sync with one and other. Their relationship and their lives were finally starting to get back on track. Then DeVoe happened. He got Barry sent to prison for a murder he didn't commit.
It had been hard, the trial, the prosecution, watching all those who didn't understand systematically turn against Barry. Some days Caitlin wanted nothing more than to find DeVoe and put an icicle through him herself. Other days she simply wanted to break Barry out. But she didn't, staying there had been his choice, and Caitlin did her best to support him through it.
She and Cisco and the others had visited him whenever they could, and Caitlin had done everything in her power to make sure Barry's dietary and health requirements were met. It wasn't easy, but they made it work.
Then finally, two weeks ago they had caught a break. New evidence came to light, and the case was reopened. Barry was proven innocent.
Caitlin could hardly contain her smile as she, Cisco, and Joe stood at the prison gates, watching as the guards removed his cuffs. The final gate was opened soon after, and Barry walked free.
In the time it took the speedster to catch sight of her and smile, she was already in motion. She ran towards him and practically threw herself into his waiting arms. It was the first real hug she had had from him in months and Caitlin didn't ever want to let go. She held onto him for dear life, only breaking apart to bring her lips to his. After that, they continued to hug for several more moments, before eventually taking a step back.
As they did, a thought entered Caitlin's mind, one that would've seemed rash and hasty to her years ago. But not today. Today she had never been more sure of anything in her life.
"Marry me," the words came out before she could talk herself out of it.
"Will you marry me," similar words came out of Barry's mouth at the same time, much to Caitlin's surprise.
They both stared at the other in shock. Then they laughed, once again pulling each other into a firm embrace.
"Of course," Caitlin whispered, resting her forehead on his shoulder. "What about you?"
"Nothing would make me happier," he replied, leaning back just enough to plant a gentle kiss on her lips.
A moment later, the sound of Cisco and Joe clapping for them filled their ears. They both flushed in embarrassment.
...
When Caitlin opened her eyes, she was greeted by the sight of Barry's sleeping form. The world around her was quiet and still, soft morning light peeking through the bedroom curtains. She stifled a yawn and scooted closed to him, his arm snaking around her without a second thought.
"W'time is it?" Barry mumbled sleepily.
Caitlin gave the clock a side glance before snuggling closer to Barry's chest.
"Early," she replied softly. "We still have an hour or so before we have to be at the lab."
Barry gave a hum of acknowledgment before pulling the covers further over them, and again settling into the peace and quiet. However, that quiet was soon broken by a set of adorable (and very fast) twins.
...
"I'll see you soon," Barry eventually echoed, breaking Caitlin from her reverie.
It seemed so strange to her; she did not have the ability to access flashtime like Barry did, yet she could've sworn those few moments had lasted a lifetime.
"Goodnight, Barry," she spoke quietly, a sadness behind her words.
"Goodnight, Cait."
After that, she hung up the phone.