"Bellamy," I pause, "I need you. And we don't have much time-" I begin to say but he cuts me off.
"You need me?" He asks calmly, yet you could see the anger rising in him.
"Yes, I do. I need the guy, who wouldn't let me pull that lever in Mount Weather by myself." I beg, practically on my knees at this point. I really did need him.
"You left me." He took a deep breath and I can see how badly I've hurt him. His eyes got glossy, trying to hold back any emotion. He couldn't trust me like he used to with his feelings. I ruined that.
"You left everyone!" His quiet voice suddenly booms.
"Bellamy-"
"Enough Clarke! You are not in charge here. And that's a good thing because people die when you are in charge." He says harshly. Ouch, that one hurt pretty bad, but he wasn't done yet.
"You were willing to let a bomb drop on my sister!" He says angrily, and I can tell we aren't talking as past co-leaders anymore. We were talking as past friends. This was personal for him. I guess I didn't realize how badly me leaving affected him.
"Then, you made a deal with Lexa, who left us in Mount Weather to die, and forced us to kill everyone who helped us!" He yells and I feel a single tear slide down my cheek.
"People who trusted me!" His voice echos and I can see a tear of his own fall down his cheek. "Then, after everything, you left me." He adds sadly.
"I-" I try to say something but a sob interrupts me. I put my face in my hands as sob after sob, tear after tear, leaves my body. I tried to calm down, bring myself back, but I couldn't. He really blamed all of that on me, when I was just trying to be the best leader. I knew everyone else did, but I had hope for him. Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe it was time for me to take responsibility for actions.
"Clarke," I hear his voice say quietly and his footsteps grow closer to my seated body. "Clarke, I'm sorry-" he begins to say, grabbing my wrist but I yank it from his grasp.
"No." I attempt to say strongly, but I felt everything but strong right now. "It's my turn to talk this time." I take a deep breath and he looks at me regretfully. Tears streaked his face like they did mine, and for once I wish I could see him not so mad or sad. I wish I could see him as a friend again. I missed him more than anything while I was gone. Now, I still miss him. Because I might be next to him right now, but I've never felt so far away.
"I'm sorry." I say quietly. "I'm sorry, for everything. But, I had my reasons for what I did. Let me start with the bomb on TonDC." I take a deep breath, knowing this is going to be a long speech.
"You think, that it was easy for me to let a bomb drop on our people?" I ask rhetorically.
"Clarke I didn't mean it that way-"
"No. I'm talking now." I state firmly again. "I'm friends with your sister Bellamy! Hell, I love her. I love her almost as much as I love-" I cut myself off, my own words that I was about to say just processing through my head. Now isn't the time to fall in love Clarke, and now certainly was the time to tell those feelings to the man I was in love with.
"I had to let it drop, because if I didn't, the people in Mount Weather would find you, and kill you." He opens his mouth to say something but this time I cut him off before he even has the chance to start speaking.
"I know. You didn't ask me to do that but I-" I could feel more tears build in my eyes and my voice got weaker as I tried harder and harder to hold them back.
"I meant what I said that day. When I told you, I couldn't lose you too. Because I really and truly cannot lose another person I care about Bellamy." I say a little quieter as I try to find my voice again. I chose my words carefully, scared to say too much. This time, he stayed silent, avoiding looking into my eyes.
"When I made that deal with Lexa," I moved on. "I made it because it sounded like a good plan that would get our people out of that hell hole. I thought we were past our fighting. We had made a truce. So I'm sorry I made the damn deal Bellamy!" I yell and he winces at my words. "I'm sorry I took a deal, that I thought would save our people, our friends, when I was hopelessly in love with their commander!" I admit. I have never told anyone my feelings for Lexa, I never had the chance. They were gone as fast as they came after she betrayed our people. After she betrayed me.
Bellamy's eyes go wide in shock at my words, then they flicker to hurt. I didn't have time to think about why right now, because I was still explaining everything I had done.
"Love is weakness though. I know that now. I let my heart over rule my head and people died. It's my fault. Is that what you want to hear?" I ask quietly as a silent tear escapes my eye.
"Clarke please, I understand why you did what you had to do-"
"And when I left," I say through the tears, shutting him up for the millionth time today. "When I left our people. When I left you," I emphasize. "It was the hardest thing I had to do. Even harder than pulling that damn lever." I think back to the time when I walked away from everything I knew. My home, my friends, Bellamy. I remember the look on his face when I told him I wasn't going inside. I knew then that if I didn't leave soon, he would have convinced me to stay. Hell, his eyes alone could convince me to do almost anything.
"But I had to. When people looked at me, they would have been reminded of everyone I killed-"
"Everyone we killed Clarke!" He emphasized desperately.
"I would only have caused problems, Bellamy." I say, dropping my head so I didn't have to look at him.
"I needed you Clarke, I still do." He says, and for the first time in this whole conversation, he didn't sound mad at me.
"I'm sorry I did it. I'm sorry I left. I knew I could, because they had you." I reference our people.
"I'm not talking about the damn people Clarke!" He throws his hands up, frustrated by his point I clearly wasn't seeing.
"I can lead our people Clarke," he says a bit more calmly. "But what about me?" He asked sadly, and I finally understood how much I meant to him. "It's not the leading I need from you."
"I'm sorry for what I said Clarke, its not your fault." he says, taking a few steps closer to me.
"You did what you had to do, to save our people." He adds, putting his hands on my shoulders and forcing me to look into his brown eyes, glistening with tears.
"Yeah I did, killing hundreds in the process then leaving everyone after it all." I say quietly as another tear falls.
"Hey," He says softly, lifting his hand and wiping my face free of tears. His hand lingered on my cheek, cupping it slightly. Moments like these are what made me remember why I fell in love with him, and question whether I was really in love with Lexa, or just telling myself that I was to hide my pain. To hide the pain of watching girls flood in and out of Bellamy's tent when all I wanted was to be the girl in his tent. Not for leadership, and not for sex, but just to be with him. I pushed into my relationship with Finn, and I got my heart broke. I told myself I could move on with Lexa, but I lied to myself. I broke again. I was tired of breaking. I know I can save myself, but it would be nice if I didn't have to for once.
"I will always be by your side, whether you like it or not." He says sweetly and I couldn't help but smile.
"I was with you at the mountain, and I'm with you know. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear with what I said. I'm here." He moves his face closer to mine and lifts my chin. He looks at me intensely, yet sweetly.
"Thank you." I murmur, keeping eye contact. "I'm here with you too." I say with a small smile.
"I'm glad you are." His face was just inches away from mine, his breath fanning against my skin.
"I missed you. God, I missed you so much Clarke." He says, his voice getting desperate and his eyes fluttering shut.
"I missed you too." My voice is raspy, but I get cut off before I say anything else. His lips press to mine softly, and one hand is on my face, the other is on my hip pulling my body into his. I have craved his presence ever since I left him standing at the gate by himself, and never in a million years did I think I would get him back in this way.
He pulled away after a breathtaking moment, pressing his forehead to mine.
"Come with me. To my tent." He says quietly and I smile at how horribly he worded that. I see a slight blush creep onto his face.
"Shit, not like that." He says flustered, but a smirk quickly grows onto his face. "Unless you want it to mean that." He wiggles his eyebrows and I punch his arm with a laugh.
" I've been back for an hour and you're already back to being an ass." I tease and his smile grows bigger.
"I never stopped being an ass."
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