Niklaus Wade
I'm feeling frantic beyond belief. My head is throbbing and my breathing is no longer in my control. I clench the hair on my head tightly while I remain in a crouched position in front of my closet. I shut my eyes tightly, allowing my heartbeat to drift into my ears and make me feel calm. The reason why I am spazzing out so much is ridiculous when I put it into an outsiders perspective. I couldn't help it though. I'm going on a date...with Gnashton.
It's crazy to freak out about something like this when I literally had sex with him no more than two days ago, not to mention the next morning I woke up to his penis in my ass. Like the sane person I am, I tease the beast which resulted in a round two that was just as mind blowing as the very first time.
I don't think the spark would ever dull. His simple touches ignite a flame that doesn't seem to extinguish no matter how many days pass.
Thinking of him still gives me those butterflies that make me feel like I'm some lovesick puppy that can't get enough of it's new owner. I still can't believe that someone as amazing as Nash is my mate. If I could, I'd thank the moon goddess over and over again because my life isn't the hell it was before.
My self deprecating thoughts were beginning to melt away, though my suicidal thoughts lingered every now and then before bed but it wasn't as rampant as before.
My self loathing and pessimistic mindset was disappearing as if it were never there to begin with. Of course, I wasn't the most optimistic person on the planet and I'd never be like Hazel even if I tried but this was progress I never knew I'd be able to achieve. This is something new and I never want to let this go because I love this feeling.
I love the feeling of being able to look at myself and smile at the person I'm looking at. I love the feeling of waking up and not dreading what lies ahead in the day. I love the feeling of not wishing that I was no longer alive and breathing.
My right hand reaches up to lightly caress my mark on the left side of my neck that depicted two hands opposite of each other. Their first fingers touched gingerly while the crescent moon lingered behind it and underneath the entire portrait was 'Gnashton,' written in a beautiful cursive in the color black. It still burned but it was a fading sensation that I could only feel when I touched it.
When I first saw it, I was in complete awe then the overwhelming feeling of love filled me up entirely similarly to how Nash filled me two nights ago. Sorry, I keep mentioning that because it was an unforgettable moment. That night, I became wholeheartedly one with Nash as he became wholeheartedly mine.
It was the moment that I knew we were forever bonded together. The moment when our private mind link opened, the moment when I felt our hearts begin to share a beat and the moment when I began to feel his emotions. His pain became my pain, his happiness became my happiness and his sorrow became my sorrow. We are one. The idea of it scared me—that's putting it shortly, it petrified me.
If he were to leave me or even break the mate bond then my heart would shatter and I'd literally feel my heart begin to deflate as I felt figurative knives stab at my heart until there was nothing left of me. I officially tied myself to him and although I never thought that much about it beforehand, there was not a single trace of regret in my entire being. I thought that I'd be skeptical or even have at least one percent of regret inside but crazy enough, I didn't. Nash did things to me that blew my mind but this is the kind of crazy that I planned to begin to love.
Nash was crazy but he was my crazy.
I stand up and scan my closet once more with pursed lips and my hands remaining on my hips. Releasing an exhausted breath, I begin to contemplate calling Hazel because I know that she'd be here in less than two minutes. She lives for things like this, I don't know why I didn't call her ten minutes ago before I was at the brink of throwing everything in my closet away because for some reason, everything in here didn't look good enough.
Before I can shimmy my way over to my bed to grab my phone, the door swings open without so much as a knock. Caspian comes inside and I visibly show my annoyance that Caspian responds with the rolling of his deep brown eyes. He doesn't wear a shirt but I could care less because he didn't sport a body like Nash if I'm being honest. He isn't in bad shape at all and still possessed abs and such but his frame is smaller, his shoulders less broad and he's tall but not nearly as tall as Nash.
Not a lot of guys are as tall as Nash if I'm being honest. Caspian has shorts on that reach his knees and his hair is slightly damp as he wears a small towel around his neck, showing that he either took a dip in the pool or he took a shower. Considering how it's nearly six o clock, I'm assuming that he went for a dip in the pool simply because that's been his routine these days. I'm not keeping track, I just know because I see him whenever I pass through the living room to watch tv or watch a movie with Hazel or Nash.
I don't know why he's in my room but I didn't care too much to ask. He usually doesn't answer me anyways and takes what he wants and leaves so I figured that he'd do the same today because Caspian is an easy character to follow. Looking away from him, my eyes retreated back to my pitiful closet and a frown came back onto my face as my eyebrows furrowed in dismay.
"What are you doing?" I hear Caspians voice behind me.
Startled, I release a yelp and jump forward, nearly falling into my closet. Regaining control of my footing, I quickly spin around to look at him with a look that said, "what the hell." He isn't fazed by my look and instead continues to wait for my response as if he hadn't just scared me to death. What was even more weird about this is that he didn't have anything of mine in his hands to take.
I was sure that he was coming in here to steal something of mine and leave and weeks later I'd never see it again like he always does. But now he's here asking me what I'm doing while looking like he's actually interested. Either he ate something rotten or he hit his head and lost his memory. Either way, I don't want to look into it because you never know with Caspian.
"None of your business," I mouth but he furrows his eyebrows in confusion.
I roll my eyes with a sigh and walk past him, making sure that I don't accidentally bump my shoulder with his but he shifted to the side to allow me some space so it wasn't possible regardless. That in itself was weird as well because he didn't usually care if I bumped into him usually even though he knows it could send me into a panic attack so him doing something as considerate as moving for me was another red flag.
I walk over to my bed and pull open the first draw on my nightstand that sits placed next to the head of my bed, directly next to my bed frame. I pull out my sketchbook, something I haven't used in so long, as well as my favorite pen. I would have used my phone but I felt like using my sketchbook at the moment.
I wrote down my reply.
"None of your business," I write it down and hold it up for Caspian to see.
He nods and remains quiet for a few seconds. I don't say anything either—well, I couldn't say anything anyways but right now I didn't try to write down anything or mouth anything. I just watch him as it looks like he's in deep thought. He isn't looking at me, he's looking at my window, peering out at the landscape of trees as the wind swept past the leafs just telling from the way they rustled just slightly.
His bottom lip fell open just slightly and I watch in confusion as he lifts his left hand and lightly touches the bottom of his lip with a wistful look in his eyes.
Disbelief clouds my eyes.
That's the same expression I have when I thought about Nash and touched my mark, the look of contemplation and content. The look of admiration and love. That was the look on my face, the look on Caspian's face was harder to decipher but I saw one thing.
It was something I've never seen before. It was raw and real. It was the look of regret and guilt. There were other emotions swirling in those eyes of his but it was all too much to understand and put a label on but I was also too absorbed in the fact that I'm actually seeing genuine emotion from someone like Caspian.
This could be a long shot—no, it definitely is a long shot but I couldn't help myself. I start writing on the sketchbook while occasionally glancing up at Caspian who continues to stare outside my window with his hands loosely hanging at his side. When I've written down what I want to say, I cautiously approach Caspian with hesitant footsteps and sweaty hands.
I hold my book in front of his face and his eyes immediately take in the book and the words written on them as he snaps out of whatever transfixed state he was in.
"Are you okay?" Is what I wrote down.
I've never asked him a question like this nor do I speak with him regularly so this is weird for me but I'm sure it was just as weird for him. He doesn't look at me but I'm sure that he's already read it so I patiently wait for a response. It feels like minutes tick by without a single word being spoken. The silence is thick and it makes me swallow as I begin to realize how dumb I am for actually writing such a thoughtful question down. He doesn't care about me and I don't care about him, that's how it i—
He shakes his head.
My heart races. I don't know what to do but for some reason, Caspian looks the most vulnerable that I've ever seen him. It makes me feel something that I've never felt before towards him. Concern. He's done shitty things to me so I expected myself to turn him away, roll my eyes, scoff, anything of that sort in a situation like this.
I dreamed of a situation where Caspian was the weak one, the vulnerable one but now that this moment has come I feel nothing but worry. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but drop my sketchbook and my pen and pick up my phone. I go into my notes and begin to type what I wish to say next. I hold it up to him and he reads it.
"Do you want to talk about it? It's okay if you don't want to..."
When he's done reading it, he looks me in the eye and runs a hand through his dark brown locks of hair with the twitch of his lips like he's in disbelief to be in a situation like this. I swallow, waiting for him to give his usual Caspian reply so that this moment can be over and we can go back to being indifferent towards each other but he remains silent and just looks at me.
I don't know what to do so I awkwardly stand there, looking from the floor of my bedroom then back to his face. My left hand rubs the elbow of my right arm uncomfortably and anxiety bubbles up inside of me. Can he just speak? I don't like this anticipation of awaiting his reply.
It makes me nervous.
What's going on with Caspian??? Is it obvious yet what's going on with him or are you guys still confused? I'm excited to put out the next few chapters :)
~xoxo, Babybird.