"You love him" she said. I looked at her with wide eyes. What was she talking about? ...Love?
"You love Aneel. I can see it on your face. Did you guys confess it to each other, because he obviously loves you too! Oh my God, I am already fangirling. What if you guys have children? Cute little Aneel and Sahra OMG I would be such an amazing badass aunt and -"
"Masara, stop it!" I yelled and she started laughing. I couldn't help myself so I laughed too.
"I'm sorry, we should get inside" she said, still laughing. I nodded and went inside. It was a joke, but it still made me think. Love? But, I don't even know how that feels.. I shook my head and went over to sit beside Aneel. He had cards in his hand and was playing with Hamza.
"We should play in teams. Me and Sahra against you and Aneel" Masara said and sat down in front of me.
"But I don't know how this game goes.." I said quietly, not trying to embarass myself. I mean, they all knew how to play.
"It's easy,.." Aneel started and told me how to play. After a few moments I got it so we started playing. After a while, Aneel and Hamza were looking very mysteriously at each other and were the whole time smirking. I was confused and Masara got mad.
"If you guys are cheating, I will cut your heads off and feed them to Sahra" she said and I rolled my eyes. Hamza bursted out laughing. It was not even funny.
"What has it to do with me? I don't wanna be poisoned, okay?" I said and Aneel looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Do you really think that when you eat this handsome face, you would get sick? But its okay, there are many girls out there who would love to eat my handsome hea-"
I got annoyed so I stood up to walk to the kitchen before letting him finish. I heard him chuckling and that made me even more annoyed. Why was I even feeling like that in the first place? And why did they make up horrible jokes? I mean, what did he think there are plenty other girls? I will cut their heads off and feed Hamza. What was wrong with me, I sounded like Masara. I shook my head, trying to delete all the embarrassing thoughts I had and started boiling water for more tea.
After a while, I came back with some tea. I saw Masara and Hamza looking at me and they were having a hard time not to laugh. I swear I could shoot her head off right now.
"It wasn't funny" I told them coldly. Masara wiggled her eyesbrows at me and I just looked away, letting out a sigh.
"I don't care about them" I heard from my right. I turned and saw Aneel looking at me. I just half-smiled while trying to stop my shaking hands. It felt right, but I didn't know what he meant with it.
"OMG You guys are just so cute!" I didn't even look up. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my cards.
"Anyways, who is next?"
"Are you still mad?" I heard a voice behind me and two arms were wrapped around my waist. I was doing the dishes. Masara and Hamza had just left and to be honest, we had a great time. I came back to my senses and didn't say anything. Not that I didn't want to, but I just didn't know what to say. He placed his head in my neck and I was having a hard time to do the dishes. When he didn't release his hold, I sighed. I dried my hands and turned around in his arms. He looked at me with a weird expression. I couldn't read his eyes. He had these walls up, again. And it was really annoying.
"I am not mad. Why would I be mad?" I said and tried not to look at him, beause I knew that if I did, I would stare.
"Hey.." He said and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him.
"You have every right to get mad. I don't care about them. What is happening here, right now, that's real. And that's all that matters" he said
"What are we then Aneel? We need to talk about whatever the heck this is that we have going on between us" he looked at me for a few seconds, blinking his eyes before expression changed and he let go of me. He went to the living room without replying and I sighed. It was always like this. Its like Maryam put him in a room without a door, without an exit. And no one, no one could take him out of there. For the first time, I got really mad at her. I never felt any bad feelings towards her, but started doing. I didn't even know why. I didn't want to see him hurt like that. I didn't want to be given hope, only to be brought back to my cruel reality.
I didn't dare to go to the living room for another hour. I cleaned the whole kitchen. I even did the dishes twice, just to kill some time. I was scared, scared of what he might say. Scared that he would yell, maybe even.. maybe even slap, or punch me in my stomach, like he did always back then. 'Don't be scared. He won't do anything. Give him time. Face your fears. Life is hard, but who said it was going to be easy? Who said that there is a rule in life, that means that life has to be easy. I am still here, and the most important, Allah is still here..', that voice said and I smiled. I knew it would never leave me. I took a deep breath and walked into the living room. I expected him to be gone, but no, he was sitting there, drawing something with a frown. I went over to him and sat down beside him. He was trying to draw a man, but he didn't really do well. I grabbed the pencil and the paper. I corrected a few lines and made a few extra details on the clothes. I felt Aneel's eyes on me but I didn't look. When I was finished, I gave it back to him and he looked at it. After a few seconds, he smiled.
"This is it!" he said and I looked at him confused. He looked really happy and I didn't really know why he would be happy with a piece of paper.
"What?" I asked him and he looked at me.
"You know, we are the owners of this famous brand and my dad wanted me to finish this work. We draw, design and sell clothes to little brands. I will take the business over in a month and dad gave me this work to finish, to see if I can do it. But you, you Sahra, you are going to work with me" he said and I really didn't know what he meant. Work? Me? Brand? That was when it hit me. I really didn't know anything about this guy. He saw my confused expression and rolled his eyes.
"We design man-clothes and sell them with a high price. Look at this.." he said while taking a paper from his other side. It was a man with clothes on, obviously. It looked actually pretty good. The jeans were brown with a blue sweater. It sounds pretty normal, but it looked different.
"I like this, but it's like it needs something. I feel like it's not finished" he said looking at me to give him an idea. I looked at the paper for a second and nodded.
"The sweater. It needs a pattern" I grabbed the paper and made some square patterns and gave it to Aneel. He looked at it and his eyes widened.
"Yes! This is what it needed. Didn't know you could draw so well. Sahra, you will get that damn job" he said looking happily at the paper. I didn't feel comfortable. It felt weird, being complimented. But I was happy if I helped him. We talked a bit further. He told me about the business and stuff and I really didn't understand anything so he just stopped explaining it. When he was busy with other work I got bored so I put on the TV. I was zapping when I saw a movie. I thought that it seemed nice so I decided to watch it. When I watched it for like an hour, a scene past by. It was.. The fear, the punches I could feel everything. I felt every feeling I had in that hole. A dad was beating up his daughter. She was screaming. Screaming for him to stop. She cried. Blood was everywhere. You couldn't even recognize her face anymore. She tried to stop him with her hands. She put her hands around her head because it hurt. He grabbed her hair. Slammed her head to the floor. He kicked her stomach. Something they always do. She coughed up some blood. She was silent now. She had no energy anymore, no strength. It was like they killed her. It was like, she was alive but dead too. She didn't want to live. She screamed 'kill me already!'. She wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop. I couldn't move. My eyes were glued on the TV. On the girl. I felt an arm around me. I needed to take it off. Maybe if I run, they can't catch me. I knew, they always caught me. I tried it so many times, but they caught me always. I grabbed the arm and threw it off. Surprisingly, I didn't feel a kick on the outside. In the inside, I was burning. It was too hot. I stood up and walked over. I walked over to the only place that might help. I closed the door and locked it. I know that if I didn't, they would come inside. They didn't care, no one does. I only took my pants and shirt off, not bothering to take off the rest. I didn't even bother to turn the light on. I walked over it. The cold water. I craved for it. I craved for the cold water. It would help. It did always. It did when everywhere felt sore. I opened the water and sat down. The cold water was streaming down my whole body. I put my face in the air, letting it fall on my face. That was where they never kicked me. They were scared that someone was going to see it. No one did. No one has ever seen it. No one helped. Everyone was deaf and blind. But now, I was going to be deaf. And blind. I was not going to breathe anymore. It had no use. They would haunt me anyway. I would never get used to it. He will do the same as they did. He will in the end. He will get sick of me too. And they? They gave me, sold me. Didn't care about me. Not my other half, not the others. My only supposed to be thruth didn't want me, why am I even here then? I thought about all the people who hurt me. I didn't know I was holding my breath, but it felt good. I didn't want to breathe. It was useless. I placed my head between my knees. Maybe the screams would stop. Maybe their voices would fade away. Maybe.. Maybe I will be gone..
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Final Editing Done (04-11-2016)
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YOU CAN FIND THE EDITED 'ISLAM IS MY LIFE' LESSONS IN A SEPARATE BOOK ON MY PROFILE.
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Islam is my Life:)
Family is supposed to support you. Family is the most real in life. Family has to be fair. Family cant lie. Family is supposed to love you. You are supposed to love your family. But if I look around me, I see that there is no bond anymore with family by some. Girls dont go with mums anywhere anymore. Boys are thinking they are on another planet. Children are the whole time on their phones and tabs, not realising that the people who sit there watching tv will be gone someday. They dont care. They only want food and clean clothes. Not kissing their fathers. Not enjoying mothers embrace. You will know what you miss, when you lose it. Spend time with them. Go around and just walk with them. One day, maybe you will beg Allah to give you one chance to just hug them. Show them your love, cause one day it can be late. My parents do everything for me. Because of them, I am like this. I am not the greatest, not one of the best. But I try. They teach me. They have to teach me. I have to listen to them. I have to listen them telling me whats wrong and right. They have to support me even when I am wrong. They need to tell me when I am wrong. Maybe I am at an age, where everything I do looks good to me. Maybe I dont wanna listen to them cause I know I am right. But you know, they want the best for me. My parents went through a lot. My mum went through one of the painful moments, just to let me see the beautiful earth Allah has created. They stressed when I cried at night when I was a baby. They were mad when I didnt listen to them. They were sad when I fell from the stairs. But no matter what, how difficult I was, they were there for me. They were ready to be there for me. Maybe they dont show their love, that doesnt mean they dont love you. My mum never shows her love. She is a cold woman, while my dad shows it. That doesnt mean that my mum loves me less. My mums heart still breaks every time I cry. My mum felt what I felt when I lost one of the most important people in my life. My mum was there when I had to face my fears. My mum was there, even though I didnt realize it at that moment. Think of it. Think of your life since you were a baby til now. Raising a child is difficult, but if you are here, that means that they wanted you to see all this no matter what. To enjoy life, to get to know people, to actually smile to everyone, to learn about Allah. Why? Why do they want us to be raised the best? They want to be proud of what Allah allowed them to have. They want you to teach your children just like they did. But why are we so distant from them? Why dont we just go and sit with them? Why dont we just go and play games and just laugh with them? What if they die? What if they die right now? You would regret it right? You would regret spending so much time on the internet. On your phone. On your tablert Some people doesnt even have parents anymore. They have no one. They only can dream about it. They only can dream about whta you might already have. One day they will be gone, so realize it. Realize that they are important to you and you to them, and let them see that you are worth all the pain and happiness...