Niklaus Wade
It's been a while since I've had this crude feeling of general hopelessness. It festered inside me, stirring around just awaiting to be released in a form unknown. There's nothing I can do to help myself, nothing anyone can possibly do to help me in anyway. I'm on my own. Even in a room full of people, I still feel as if I'm alone. Even in a room with chatter and noise, I can only hear the hollow sound of myself crying inside. Even as my heart continues to beat, I feel it stop but I remain alive and that's the part I hate the most.
Being alive when really it'd be better to close your eyes and just have everything fade away. It'd be so much more easier for me, for everyone else. I didn't really serve a purpose in life to begin with. It's not like my life is important, not like I'd truly be missed but when I think about being missed my mind flickers over to thoughts of Nash.
He's made me feel like I mean something to him, he makes me feel like I have purpose in life but at this moment I felt like the sentiments he's provided me with are just soft lulls over the loud beats of my heartache and the pain that's starting to consume me.
I didn't want to shed light on this topic because it cut and pierced through me deeper than anything imaginable. I never labeled the faces of the two figures that haunted my dreams and tear me into pieces because once I label them, once I give them their title I can slowly feel my skin chip away as I shed the facade I've been so desperately trying to uphold.
Maybe if I acted like it didn't matter my problems would disappear because if you ignored your problems they went away...right? Wrong. No matter how much I tried to bury myself with the thoughts that I didn't care about the two figures, my heart and my mind would always tell me the truth. Even when I tried to deface the demons that plagued my memories and haunted my very existence, it resurfaced itself without my permission and tormented me with the truth. The truth that those two figures are in fact my parents.
Those two figures are the two single handed people that were supposed to provide me with love, care and affection. Happy memories, giggles and laughs, playful banter, childhood thrills. Such things I never got to experience. What replaced those things that everyone received from their parents were things only seen in horror movies that made you pity and cry for the main character. Blood shed, violent screaming, blue and purple bruises, despicable and traumatic thrills.
I couldn't even remember the memories of all of that fully because my mind broke the painful memories up into fragments. I was too weak, too incapable of handling the memories that remained located deeply within my mind so I unconsciously broke them up so they were scattered all over the place. The pieces of what I knew still flashed through my mind even when I didn't want them too.
The memories, the flash backs, they drove me crazy to the point where I could only drop onto my bedroom floor and scream as the tears poured down my face. My screams weren't heard and didn't even drift into my own ears because I couldn't even speak, I couldn't hear a damn word escape from my mouth.
My throat constricted painfully, the veins in my neck straining as I throw my head upwards with the despairing need to make a sound because in this silent room, I felt like I was going insane. I wanted to hear myself but I couldn't, no matter how much I opened my mouth and forced at my vocal cords to make some, any, kind of noise it just didn't and that made the hot tears that streamed down my face burn at my skin.
I grabbed fist fulls of my hair and tugged until it was painful because if I felt pain there maybe the pain I was feeling inside would numb itself. No matter how much I pulled, yanked and even saw some pale blonde strands fall I still felt the staggering, devastating pain inside and it burned hotter by the passing minutes.
This feeling suffocated me and made me feel like I was drowning as my breathing picked up, my hands trembling as I looked down at them with my blurry tear filled eyes.
Useless.
So damn useless. I sent everyone who wanted to be there for me and help me away.
It's been five days. Five days since Elijah told me that my parents were looming over the Blue Moon pack. Five days since he's told me that they were looking for something, burying their paws into the soil, something they did when they wanted to mark what their intent was. Their intent was to get what belonged to them back even if it meant that they'd have to go through extreme lengths to do so.
Bottom lip trembling as I breathe rapidly though my lips, my gaze drifts to the ceiling and I know fully well what they were looking for and that's what made my sadness hit me with the most force. They wanted to take me back with them and away from the life I've began to build up here with Elliot and Elijah. In this moment I felt the most fear I've ever felt. There weren't enough words in this world that could describe the profuse foreboding that spread through my mind as my shaking hands gripped the hard wood floors beneath me.
I whimper, knowing that they're going to take me away from Nash and that made the tears fall faster as a choked sob escapes past my trembling lips. I'm shaking my head as if that would help make this any less real but this is realer than anything. Sniffling, my head snaps to look at my nightstand as I hear the vibrations of my phone. The light from the screen provides me with the only light in the darkness that surrounds me.
My phone continues to vibrate but I make no move to go to it, the only thing I can do is suck in a breath as I remember Nash when I look at the electronic object. With the saddest smile blooming on my face, I recall the way Nash came into my room and dumbed the white apple bag onto my bed. He shook out its contents and I watched as multiple Apple Phones fell. Looking away from me, he sheepishly told me he didn't know which one I wanted so he ended up getting all of them.
A single tear streams down my face. My parents are going to take away all of that from me, every single thing in my life that has ever provided me with happiness will be ripped away from my clutches as if it didn't belong in my hold to begin with. There would no longer be Nash in my life, the rays of joy that he brought me would diminish into nothing and I'd be left in the same hell that my dreams trapped me in.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
"We can't give up like this Nik and you know that," Nate says softly to me.
"What should I do then, hm? Pretend I'm not aware of the fact that I–I...I won't see anyone I care about anymore," I feel my eyes sting with the need to cry but there aren't anymore tears falling, "I should've let Elliot and Elijah know how much I actually appreciated them. I should've let Nash know that I truly...without a doubt lo—"
"Why are you already throwing down your flag?! You think I'll let those bastards take you away from here?" Nate growls.
I let my hands fall to the floor as I look into the dark space of my room.
"What'll you do? We're an omega wolf, we're weak," I hear my inner voice crack.
"We're only as weak as we allow ourselves to be, Niklaus. I'm not fucking weak," Nate voice drifts off into a whisper.
"Yeah?" I shake my head, "well I am."
I can feel Nate grow frantic inside me as the thoughts of what I'm about to do translate to him and he begins to stir within me. Before he can say anything I block him, pushing him deep within my mind because I know I wouldn't be able to do it with the sound of him running around the back of my mind so I had to shut him out completely.
Standing up from the floor, I wobble a bit as my legs feel limp but that doesn't stop me as I continue to walk forward. I feel my way to the door to my bathroom with my hands reaching around lifelessly. When my hand brushes the cool metal of my doorknob, I grasp it firmly and twist. Pulling it open, my hand goes to flick the lights on and I flinch as the light blinds me but for only a single moment. I didn't bother to close the door because it wouldn't matter in a few minutes.
My heart beats loudly, my breathing rapid as I walk deeper into my bathroom until I'm in front of my medicine cabinet that's also a mirror on the outside. I peer at myself, taking in how much of a mess I truly looked. My pale blonde hair is a disarray, my hair strands going in different directions and I could just see how it grew longer than I intended for it to be.
My eyes are swollen and I have gross bags under my eyes that really depicted my lack of sleep and the anxiety that consumed me daily after being told the horrific news that changed my life. My lips are chapped but there was a spot off to the side near that corner of my mouth that was bleeding because I peeled off dead skin and just peeled off any bit of my lip until I was drawing blood because at least then maybe I could try to take away some of the pain inside even though it hardly worked.
It never worked.
My face is flushed, I see how pale I've become even though I was already pale to begin with. I'm inhumanly pale now. I look like I'm moments away from death, I wish I could die.
I can fix that.
Pulling the cabinet open, my eyes begin to scan the contents inside and my breathing becomes shallow. My eyes dance across the top shelf to the bottom of the shelf that's filled with prescription pills that I haven't been on since I allowed Nash to sweep me off my feet. They varied from anxiety pills to antidepressants to sleeping pills and I used to take them all daily in the regulated amount of dosages that I was supposed to.
I haven't been on them lately because I had Nash with me most of the day from day to night, he's been with me. He became my drug, substituting these one's. He was much better than them but right now Nash wasn't here. I told him I needed space that day, the day Elijah told me the news and I pleaded with him to leave me alone. I told him I needed space to breath, to think when really I just needed everyone to leave me alone because I knew this moment was coming.
This moment where I face all these tinted orange containers with tiny white pills inside. This moment when I couldn't take it anymore. The pain inside is too much, the voices inside my head too loud and the impending fear of what's to come too prominent. If I could take it all away right now, there would be nothing but silence. That's what I needed, that's all I ask for.
Everything would be so much more easier if I took it all away for myself and for everyone else. My parents could spark a war potentially just to get me so I'd be saving the people who'd fight in the battle. I grimly let out a breathy laugh. Like anyone would actually fight for me.
I grab the containers in my hands, dropping most of them on the counter of the clean white sink. Opening all of them, my eyes scan all of the pills inside. My rational thoughts became a distant memory as I piled the drugs into the palm of my hands until it was overflowing and some fell somewhere but I wasn't pressed to pick it up.
Maybe if I quickly threw them into my mouth and swallowed them all down things would slowly begin to evaporate around me. The pounding of my erratic heat would stop, my trembling and shaking hands would stop, my constant loud thoughts would stop, everything would stop.
With that, I raise my hand, ready to dump all the pills in my hand into my mouth. I shut my eyes and a single leftover tear falls out of my right eye as my mouth opens widely. Suddenly, before I can even process it I feel a hand grasp my wrist and I faintly hear the sound of multiple pills falling.
Gasoline and Rose Pine fills my senses and my eyes snap open to see Nash's angry, sad and hurt eyes. My bottom lip quivers as I see him and a choked sound escapes my lips. My knees wobble as I feel like collapsing and I do but Nash goes down with me. Both on our knees, I'm crying the tears I didn't know I had left while Nash grips my wrist tightly with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.
The despondent, heavily desolate look in his eyes has me casting my eyes down to look at the dark marble flooring. I'm so ashamed of myself, Nash makes me feel ashamed of what I was about to do but there was also the nagging feeling inside that wanted me to push him away and do what I wanted to do, what I felt like doing.
"Look at me," his voice rumbles.
I refuse to look up at him as I'm afraid of what his features hold. I'm such a damn mess, he definitely regrets ever accepting me as his mate. He must curse the moon goddess for giving him someone like me as his mate that came with the most baggage in existence. I didn't deserve him, he deserved someone much better than me.
Someone who wasn't so broken inside, someone who could actually speak and carry a damn conversation, someone who didn't have self hating tendencies or the issues I faced. He didn't need someone like me and yet here we are, mated together. Forced to be together when I was such a problematic person. There was no way that we'd ever work out, he didn't have the issues I did. He couldn't understand anything, he didn't get it and I don't think he ever would.
"Look at me!" He barks out.
The authority in his voice has my head shooting up to look him dead in his stormy green eyes that carry so much emotion that I didn't know what to do with. It's too hard to decipher each emotion swirling through his green eyes but what I did see is the pain his eyes hold.
It makes me swallow, my eyes blinking back the tears because I felt so weak showing how truly vulnerable I am even though he's seen me like this time and time again. Even though he's seen me like this, I still caved and tried to hide myself but it's so utterly useless.
"I need to tell you something," his voice comes out strained and I suck in a nervous breath, "and you need to listen."
So I wait for him to start.
I was literally on my period while listening to NF's If You Want Love and XXXTENTACION's Numb while writing this and I nearly freaking cried. I don't recommend doing that to yourself but if you want to get the General mood of this chapter feel free to listen to Numb in particular. This book is so depressing, I don't know how it got to be this sad. IM SORRY FOR THIS LATE ASS UPDATE, I JUST STARTED COLLEGE AND THINGS ARE HECTIC. I have assignments & deadlines and it's nothing like high school, please bare with me. Also, leave comments asking for updates because sometimes I've already written a chapter and forget to post it so your consistent comments will serve as a reminder of some sort.
~xoxo, Babybird.