"Look over here, Lila," Emily called from behind a camera, steadily snapping away.
Mads and I were crouched on either side of Lila's highchair, smiling up at Emily as the rest of our families looked on, holding their phones aloft for pictures of their own, all cooing and laughing as Lila dug her fingers into a pretty cupcake with pink icing.
"Okay, now you guys kiss her cheeks!" Emily ordered.
Mads and I looked at each other, shared a grin, then leaned forward and each kissed one of Lila's soft cheeks as she lifted her frosting-covered fingers to her mouth.
"Oh my God, that's perfect," Emily said, as flash after flash went off, and when I met Madelyn's eye from the other side of our daughter's face, both of us began to laugh, breathing little giggles against Lila's skin.
We'd already sung happy birthday, and there was a table full of gifts waiting for our little girl in the living room, and a counter covered in trays of half-eaten food in the kitchen. Lilly and Grace had been running around with cousins and the children of family friends, spending most of their time in the den with the tv, while the adults had been spending their time moving mostly between the kitchen, dining room, and living room. But for now, here we all were crowded around Lila's highchair, smiling and laughing at the way our one-year-old covered herself in cake and pink icing.
Mads and her mum had put the party together, and Michelle had been kind enough to host.
"Your apartment's beautiful, but it'll be cramped," she'd said.
Mads and I had tried to argue that it would be too much trouble for her, that we weren't planning on inviting that many people anyway, but she'd insisted. And when she insisted, there really was no other choice but to relent.
Mum, Robin, and Gem had made it out, even though we'd be heading over to England in a couple weeks to have a separate celebration with my family and friends there, and they'd brought along Aunt Dee and her family, who was meeting Lila for the first time.
"Oh, the pictures don't do her justice!" she'd exclaimed as she'd held Lila earlier, bouncing her softly in her arms as she looked into Lila's eyes. "Was I right, or was I right? You two have made one gorgeous baby girl," she'd said with a wink.
Mads and I had only smiled at each other, and it was rather fun to watch Madelyn's cheeks go pink while we both remembered that first time she'd met Dee, when Dee had humiliated me completely by going on about how beautiful we were together, and how beautiful our children would be someday.
Now, I couldn't do anything but admit she'd been absolutely right.
This was the height of the party—Lila's cake. Well, her little smash cake. A cupcake, really. Mads felt it would've been too much of a waste to get one of those small, beautiful little cakes for Lila to shove her hands into just for the sake of a picture. A cupcake would do just fine. And she wasn't wrong.
Though Lila was going to town on that little cupcake, getting way more into her mouth than either of us had bargained for.
"I guess she likes sweets," Mads announced with a laugh, watching Lila shovel the crumbled cake into her mouth, pink frosting sticking to her fingers, her cheeks—Mads got a little bit out of her hair.
This was the first time we'd given her anything like cake. The only sweets she'd had up till now had been fruit. And a dab of whipped cream or jello when we had it.
"She is your daughter," I said, watching as those blue eyes flicked up to mine, laughing as she stuck her tongue out at me.
"You guys are really selling it," Emily said, still snapping away with her camera. "Keep it up."
Mads and I only looked at each other, freezing up completely.
"Well, now you've gone and put too much pressure on us," I said.
"I think you've taken more than enough anyway. Time for the godparents to get in here," Mads said, already standing.
"Mark!" Emily called, barely glancing over her shoulder.
Mark, who she hadn't seemed to realize was standing just behind her, winced at how loud she'd yelled. "I'm right here," he said, stepping around her, drink in hand.
"Oh," she said, still very serious even though he was clearly trying to hold back a laugh. One of her hands dropped to her belly—small enough that it almost wasn't noticeable if you weren't in on the knowledge that she was four months pregnant.
The family had known for about a month, and already, it was easy to see the way both of them were different—with each other, especially. Emily was still working as much as ever, unwilling to slow down until she absolutely had to, but she was also smiling more. Letting Mark do things for her that she wouldn't have let him do before. And I didn't think it was possible, but in these last four months, Mark's gaze had gone even softer when he was looking at her. Even while she was bossing him around.
"Go next to Lila," Emily ordered, her one hand still on her belly. "I want to get some pictures of her with her godparents. Gemma?"
I watched as Gem, talking with a few people in the general direction of the living room, looked over, her eyes searching for the source of the sound.
"Come take some pictures with Lila," I called, standing to meet her eye. She was already setting her drink down. "We want some shots of her with her godparents."
I stood back as Emily got Gem and Mark situated, crouched down beside Lila's highchair just as Mads and I had been, all while Lila continued diligently working on her cupcake—more just spreading it out on the tray of her highchair now rather than eating it.
Mads sidled up to me, arms crossed, a loving smile on her face as she stared at our daughter. My arm slipped around her waist, pulling her closer to my side, and her head tilted against my shoulder. I felt her sigh.
"I still can't believe it," she said quietly, for only me to hear.
Lila's actual birthday was yesterday—January 8th. She was back to not sleeping through the night these last couple weeks, so she'd woken Mads and I at four in the morning, crying. Luckily, it didn't take long to put her back to bed. But we'd laid awake a while longer, lying in bed thinking about this time last year. How we were only hours away from her water breaking and heading to the hospital.
A year later, we'd marked the occasion by spending the day with Lila and my family, and grabbed dinner out at a restaurant together. Today was the day for the entire family to celebrate together. But Mads and I still had a moment early this morning, both exhausted from another interrupted sleep, where we'd sipped our coffee in the quiet of the morning, and thought about that day one whole year ago.
Now, I turned my head, kissed her hair, then heard her mother calling for her. "Madelyn, could you come help me with this please?"
Mads sighed, her hand coming to my chest and her eyes meeting mine with some amusement before she headed off towards her mother in the kitchen. I stayed right where I was, watching as Emily handed off her camera to Gemma so that Emily and Mark could take some pictures with Lila together.
Lila was still fastidiously painting the tray of her highchair with icing in between bites of cake, glancing up at the camera only once every fifty pictures taken. No one seemed to care though. As flash after flash went off, everyone only smiled, watching her, giggling as she babbled, or made a funny face, or shoved more cake into her mouth, those blue-green eyes sparkling as she looked from person to person in question.
They had in fact changed color somewhere in the last six months, but not too drastically. Sometimes, Lila's big, round eyes looked as blue as Madelyn's, and other times, they looked blueish-green, more like mine. Neither of us could figure out when, exactly, that had happened, only that we'd looked into those eyes one day and decided that the color had shifted.
So much had changed since she was born a year ago. Our entire lives. But she had more hair now, and it was just as dark as Madelyn's, which made her blue-green eyes seem all the brighter, especially when she first woke up in the morning. She smiled all the time, showing off her little teeth. She started walking last month, taking Mads and I by joyous surprise when she practically sprinted across the room before either of us could grab her, shocking us both when she stayed steady on her feet. She loved to say the word "no", and only very sparingly said "da-da", and Mads was annoyed because she still had yet to say "mama", even though I wasn't entirely sure Lila even knew what she was saying when she said "da-da". Which didn't mean it wasn't exciting whenever she chose to say it.
She loved to say "bye!" and wave goodbye, and loved when we read her books. She also loved pulling all her toys our of their bins—not necessarily playing with them, just pulling them out of the bins and tossing them onto the floor. She wasn't at all shy with strangers, which caused Mads and I some worry, even though there was some pride mixed in, too. But one of us was with her basically at all times, so we tried not to worry too much about that. When one of us did leave, however, she cried and it was always awful. Typically, I was the one heading out somewhere—usually to the studio or a meeting in Manhattan, as I'd been working on new music. We only had very loose plans in terms of a rollout for it, and no release date yet, but I was taking my time with it, choosing to spend more time focused on my family for the moment.
Lila's cries every time I did leave were only further proof that the only place I really needed and wanted to be was home.
Mads hadn't gone back to work either, but I knew she was itching to get back to it. We'd talked about how we would go about things if she did, but we both hated the idea of putting Lila in daycare or hiring a nanny. It was looking like I would be the one to stay with her if Mads did go back to work, since my hours would be much more flexible, which was just fine by me. But I also knew that Mads was still completely unsure about the decision, and that it would probably take some encouragement on my part to convince her that getting back to work would be okay.
She was such a good mother. Really. I may've been biased, but I was certain I would feel the same way even if she wasn't the mother of my child. The way she cared for Lila—so selflessly, so passionately, so tenderly—I was astounded by her every day. She always seemed to know exactly what to do, exactly what Lila needed. And when she didn't, she knew exactly the right questions to ask the doctors or her mother when she reached out for advice, and she went full-steam ahead in righting whatever was wrong.
If I didn't know better, I would've thought she was absolutely fearless. But knowing that she was usually as terrified as I was when we were hit with a new learning curve just made her more of a wonder to me. Because even in the face of her fear, she took everything in stride.
The therapy had surely had a hand in that. It had certainly had a profound effect on our marriage. Six months since the start of it, and our communication was flourishing. Which meant that our understanding of one another, our love for one another, had reached a new peak—a height I didn't even know was still above us. We talked about everything. And when we sensed one or the other was holding back, we had the tools to confront it, to ask more questions, to check in with each other.
Six months ago when I arrived in New York from L.A. after all that had happened, I wasn't sure whether or not our family would make it. I wasn't sure that I'd be able to make up for what I'd done. I wasn't sure whether she'd even want me to.
But she'd given me that chance. She'd worked with me. She'd chosen me.
Because she wanted me. Just as much as I wanted her.
I would never stop being grateful for that.
"Hey man," a deep, quiet voice said from beside me, tugging me from my thoughts.
I looked sideways to find Will standing there, cheeks scruffy, dark hair disheveled, blue eyes so like his sister's. He handed me one of the two beers he was holding, then looked towards where I'd been staring, watching as Mads smiled as she handed out pieces of cake to our guests.
She was wearing a gold sweater with bell sleeves and black jeans. Her hair gleamed in the light of the dining room, falling in soft waves around her shoulders. I wasn't used to her looking so put together or wearing so much makeup anymore—neither of us had been putting too much effort into our appearance these days—but she'd really done up her eyes today. The blue of them stood out in stark contrast to the black lining them, making them look brighter than ever.
She was luminous. Absolutely beaming with happiness. Pride and love swelled in my chest.
"You're looking a little shell-shocked today, Harry," Will said, amusement in his voice. I glanced at him, but didn't answer, knowing that he was right—I was a little stunned—even though I couldn't put my finger on precisely why.
Will chuckled, his eyes leaving mine to sweep over the party as he took a sip of beer. My eyes followed. Mum and Michelle were standing over the cake, but Mum was the one cutting it, then handing plates with slices on them to Mads to hand out. Gemma was still standing with Mark and Emily, who was now snapping photos of Jeff and Glenne with Lila, all of them smiling and laughing with each other. I didn't know where Robin was, but I assumed he was probably sitting with Frank in the living room, and I was sure they were both already digging into their slices of cake.
"I remember when Lil turned one," Will said then, keeping his voice relatively low. His eyes stayed on the goings-on around us. "It was as weird as it was awesome. To hit that point. It's as big a milestone for you as a parent as it is for the kid, you know? You've made it through a whole year of your new life. A whole year as the new you. The new 'us'."
I looked at Mads again. This time, hands full of more plates than she probably should've been carrying at once, she started walking around among the guests, making sure that everyone had a slice of cake, and handing off a plate to anyone who hadn't gotten one.
And I realized Will was right. He'd summed it up perfectly, although he maybe hadn't accounted for all the ways that Mads and I were a new version of "us". We'd met almost ten years ago now, and while we hadn't been together that whole time, we'd spent those ten years growing as individuals as well as a couple. But in all that time, I wasn't sure we'd grown as much so fast as we had in this last year since Lila was born.
Having a baby had demanded more from us in each moment of every day, forcing our growth to happen in a matter of moments, where it could stretch on for hours, days, even years before we'd had Lila. Looking back now, we seemed so young before her, so naive. So passionately in love with each other, but unsure of how exactly to take care of that love. We'd learned as best we could at the time. But now—
Now, all I could do was look back on all of it and be grateful. For the people that we used to be, and the people we'd become, and the versions of ourselves we still had yet to meet.
Lila started crying then, and it was soft at first—little chirps of displeasure. The kind that meant that if something didn't change soon, those little chirps would become wails faster than you could say her name.
Mads met me at the highchair, both of our bodies moving on instinct towards the source of the sound. Our child crying. Even in this, we were different. I was different. Hardwired to protect. Hardwired to calm. Hardwired to search for the problem and make it right. Pure instinct led me to the side of Lila's highchair, and noting her little face turning red beneath the pink icing, and watching her sticky fingers open and reach for me as tears streamed down her cheeks—
Something inside me warmed and fluttered, as it did every time she looked to me like that. Every time she reached for me. Every time she waited for me to comfort her.
Mads still had plates in her hands anyway, and I could hear her explaining to Aunt Dee and Gemma that Lila probably needed a diaper change, and that she was probably tired, too, from having all these people around, which she wasn't used to.
Murmuring to Lila as I unclipped her, I lifted her from her chair, her small, warm weight in my hands a comfort to me as much as I hoped it would be for her. I settled her against my hip, her cries ringing loudly in my ears, and felt her grip onto my shirt with icing-covered fingers. She smelled sweetly of cake, but there was definitely a certain heaviness I could feel in her diaper beneath her pretty blue birthday dress.
"I'll change her and clean her up and we'll be right back," I said to Mads, who nodded, the concern in her eyes slipping away as she looked at the two of us, then turned back to talking to Aunt Dee.
"It's okay, it's okay," I murmured, shushing Lila as I walked towards the front of the house, then up the stairs, all the voices from the party going quiet as we reached the top. Her cries grew softer, too, and she hiccuped. "Daddy's got you."
I took her into Will's old room, where Michelle had a crib and all of Lila's things set up for moments precisely like this one. So, I walked her right to the changing table, singing softly to her as I set her down, knowing she would likely start to cry as soon as she hit the table, and I was right.
"Lila-lie, Lila-lie-lie, Lila-lie. Lila-lie, Lila-lie-lie, Lila-lie, la, la, la, lie, lie." She calmed the more I sang, and I hurried about changing her, glancing up at her pink-stained face every so often, making sure to look into those bright blue eyes as I sang, loving how it captivated her.
I made quick work of the dirty diaper—only a bit of wee to contend with for now—then set about cleaning up her sticky pink mouth and hands, which caused her to fuss some more.
"There's my clean girl," I said when I was done, smiling widely at her as I threw everything away in the diaper bin. "My clean birthday girl."
I lifted her into my arms again, settling her onto my hip as I turned toward the door, but hearing the sounds from the party, hearing all those voices down there, waiting for her, I just wanted to keep her to myself a little bit longer.
"You having fun?" I asked, turning so that we could look at ourselves in the mirror hanging over the dresser. She'd recently started to love looking at herself in a mirror, which filled her mother and I with endless amounts of amusement. "Who's that? That you?"
Lila giggled, her toothy grin melting my heart.
"That's you!" I kissed the side of her warm head, holding her to my lips with one hand while keeping her propped on my hip with the other arm. "That's my one-year-old girl."
She babbled, then, looking right at herself in the mirror as if she was talking to someone. Which, in fact, she was. Just not in so many words.
I chuckled, watching her in her adorable blue dress (stained with pink icing) and matching headband, love and affection for her swimming to the surface of every inch of my skin. My one-year-old. The perfect combination of Mads and me. My nose, Madelyn's coloring, my mouth, Madelyn's eyes—both of our eyes, really.
She was perfect. The most perfect thing to ever exist. She'd only been in my life for a year, and nine months before that, but I could barely even remember my life before her. In a strange way, it reminded me of The Wizard of Oz. Everything about my life was in black and white until she was born, dropped into our existence like a house out of a tornado, and then nothing was the same. From that moment on, everything was set in blazing color.
She splashed it around with her smiles, her giggles, even her cries. And that moment when she came into the world, it poured over me. I remembered like it was yesterday. The fear, the anticipation, the anxiety that had filled me all the way to the hospital—the way Mads had seemed calm, more excited than anything else. The way I felt seeing her hooked up to all kinds of machines—how I hated seeing her like that—the swelling, sick feeling in my gut to see her like that. The way she'd gripped my hand and breathed through each contraction until they gave her the epidural. The way she'd gritted her teeth and pushed when it was time, sweating and breathing through the pain until she was out.
The baby was out, my world turned end over end, and I didn't recognize it when it righted itself again.
It was brighter. Exceptionally beautiful. And I was different.
More. I was more me. There were more bits of me to get to know, vulnerabilities I had never known before. Every inch of me was exposed, raw—almost like I was the one who had been born, just coming into the world, and I had more strengths, but also many more weaknesses.
I was a father—a role I'd never played before, a song I'd never sung, and I felt like I did when I'd just been starting out at sixteen years old: completely out of my element multiplied by about a million.
And the moment they'd put her in my arms—I could've fallen to my knees from the fear, from the joy, from the love, but I didn't. Because I had to be strong. I had to carry her. I had to protect her.
The little baby girl I'd helped my wife make.
The little baby girl who was already a whole year old.
Heat filled my eyes as I watched her in the mirror, as I noted all the ways she'd changed and grown since that day last year. But as usual, she had me laughing seconds later as she babbled at herself, holding her even closer and littering her little, perfect face with kisses.
I had to bring her back downstairs—she was the star of the show, after all—but I took another moment, closed my eyes and breathed her in. That sweet baby smell mixed with cake and frosting. And I whispered to her what I needed her to understand in every fiber of her small being, because it was more than overwhelming feeling it in every fiber of mine.
"I love you so much, my little girl. I love you with everything I have."
Mads rushed forward when we joined the party again, her laughing eyes morphing to concerned in half a second flat. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah," I said, Lila once again calm in my arms, her fingers curled into my shirt. I bumped her in my arms a bit. "She's all cleaned up."
Mads gasped and smiled dramatically at Lila, who grinned back. "There's my birthday girl." She reached for her, and Lila went willingly as Madelyn spoke softly to her. "Not another poop was it?"
"Not this time," I said with a smile, affection for them filling me as I looked from Mads to Lila and back. Even as we discussed Lila's frequent bowel movements. "We're probably in for it later."
"Oh boy," Mads said with a grin of her own, swaying from side to side as her focus shifted back to Lila. "You're waiting to give us a good one, aren't you?"
She kissed Lila's cheek, keeping her lips there as she so often took to doing, even as Lila looked on, seeming almost bored with the attention.
"C'mon," Mads said to me or both of us, I couldn't exactly tell. "We're about to open presents."
I followed them into the living room, where everyone had already situated themselves on the couches and chairs, cake and coffee in hand. Michelle stood in the opposite doorway, her arms crossed over her chest as she leaned against the doorjamb, a smile on her face as she took it all in.
Mads looked at me over her shoulder, noting that I'd paused only a quarter of the way into the room. She smiled when I met her eye, and cocked her head toward the gift table, beckoning me forward.
Everyone quieted down as we shuffled through them, closer to the gifts covered with sparkly wrapping paper, pastel gift bags, pretty bows of all colors. And Mads sat on the floor in front of it, standing Lila up in front of her as chatter recommenced.
"Maddie, do you need help with the gifts?" her Aunt Karen asked from her seat on the couch.
"No, that's okay, Emily and Mark are going to hand them to us."
"We are?" Mark asked with a grin.
Emily only scoffed and rolled her eyes.
I was still standing, laughing at my brother and sister-in-law, when I realized it felt right to say a few words. "Could I have everyone's attention for a second?"
The room quieted down by degrees, and then everyone's attention was on me. It was funny that, despite my career, I could still get nervous in moments like these.
"I, uh... I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for coming and sharing the day with us to mark Lila's first birthday." There were whoops coming from the direction of Will and Gemma, and clapping and laughter followed soon after. "Thank you for all the lovely gifts as well. And er... I know that not everyone has had the chance to get to know Lila very well over the last year, as we spent the first bit of her life out in L.A., and a lot of her family lives in England, so I just thought it might be nice to fill you in about some of the things you've missed before we start opening these beautiful presents."
Aunt Dee smiled and sat forward, like she was eager to hear what I had to say. Jeff and Glenne situated themselves in the far corner, plates topped with cake in hand. I glanced at Madelyn, sitting on the floor to my right, at Lila who was babbling, standing in front of her mother whilst holding onto Madelyn's fingers.
Mads was beaming up at me.
"Lila is loud," I said with no small amount of emphasis to a round of laughter. "I'm serious. Not just when she's crying. In everything she does. She's not afraid to make noise." Lila gave a cry then, not of displeasure—more like she wanted to hear her own voice—causing everyone to laugh some more. I gestured toward her, eyes wide. "See what I mean? She's not afraid to let you know she's around. She's chatting with us almost constantly, and she loves nothing more than to bang her toys off whatever surface she can find, the louder the better, and now that she's walking, she's constantly on the move."
Everyone was loving it, laughing and staring at Lila with affection in their eyes as she toddled around her mother, looking for things to grab.
"She loves to smile and laugh, and she has yet to be afraid of anyone, which is making her mother and I a little nervous for when she's older, but it's a good warning, too, I s'ppose. We know we'll have to prepare her about strangers."
Mads grabbed onto Lila as she lunged for a stray piece of cake someone had set down on the coffee table, and she started crying as her mother pulled her back into her arms. Murmurings and the clicking of tongues sounded then, and Mads laughed as she pulled Lila close. "Wrap it up, Daddy, so I can start distracting her with these presents."
"Right, um..." Everyone laughed a little more, and I scrambled for how to pull all this together before finally saying, "Lila Jane knows what she wants. She goes for it every time. And it's been a privilege and an honor to get to know her this last year—the first year of her life. She's taught both of us so much. And none of it has been easy," I said with a laugh, earning a few understanding chuckles from the room full of people.
"In fact, I'd say this year was the hardest year of my life." I glanced at Mads, who gave me a closed-lip smile, her eyes still sparkling and bright. "But it's definitely all been worth it. I'm pretty sure I'm the proudest dad there ever was knowing that I'm hers, and I'm so grateful to her and her mother for continuously challenging me and making me the best version of myself every single day."
When everyone started clapping, I held up a hand.
"So, thank you again for coming. Thank you for listening, and I'll shut up now before Lila decides to really let us know how she feels."
Laughter sounded again, and conversation picked up in the room once more. There were shouts to Emily and Mark about which presents to hand us first, but as I settled next to Mads on the floor, I barely registered them.
"That was beautiful," Mads murmured, even as Lila tugged to get away from her.
"You're beautiful." I leaned over to kiss her quickly.
"Hm," Mads hummed, almost laughing. "You're something else, my love."
I grinned, chuckling as Emily shoved a present in Madelyn's face, then as Mads tried to get Lila to focus on it. She started ripping the paper, the sound of which intrigued Lila a great deal, enough that she forgot about getting away and settled down to claw at it with her mother.
And I watched them, barely hearing the conversation around me, even as Mads looked up to respond to something someone had said. Lila was busily tugging at the wrapping paper of another present, and Madelyn's eyes drifted down to her, watching carefully, helping her create a first tear so that Lila could pull at the rest.
And even with all the friends and family around us, all the people who loved us packed into the room, I couldn't wait for tonight, when everyone was gone...
When it was just me and my girls once more.
___
Author's Note:
Okay, I REALLY gave myself the feels with this one, you guys. Someone send help, I'm drowning in them.
2 CHAPTERS LEFT NOW. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. The closer we get, the sadder I become. This isn't fair. What have I gotten myself into. Does anyone have these answers? Please advise.
Anyway, umm, yeah, I haven't got much for you tonight. A little too distraught, I think. BUT NOT DISTRAUGHT ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT THIS STORY HAS HIT 150K AND THAT'S AMAZING. Thank you SO much, as always. I haven't answered comments in forever, and I'm so, so sorry about that, but I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for reading all this time. At this rate, looks like I'll be getting back to you babes once the story's over.
***CRIES*** But at least it'll be something to look forward to? Maybe? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, THIS IS A MESS. I'll show myself out.
Love you all SO much, thank you for everything, and I'll see you back here in two weeks. xx