"I have to go." Kaycee said, grabbing her bag.
"Good luck." Dylan said, giving her two thumbs up, as he rose to leave as well. "And I'm really sorry, Kayc."
"Don't be. None of this is your fault." She said, resting a friendly hand on his shoulder. He nodded.
" I hope you find him. I hope it works out." He wished her well.
"That makes two of us." She replied, giving him a weak smile. "I'll see you in rehearsals."
Kaycee hugged him, thankful to have found a friend despite the circumstances surrounding their friendship. Then she sprinted out of the café, mind going blank with panic.
She didn't know where to go, but her feet seemed to have a mind of their own, because they just kept going and going. Her mind could only think about finding Sean, so she kept trying to call him.
"The number you dialed cannot be reached."
"The number you dialed cannot be reached."
"The number you dialed cannot be reached."
Over and over, the same thing. But she had to try. She had to.
Her heart raced faster with every re-dial, but she did her best to remain composed. She refused to have a breakdown on the street.
He couldn't have gotten far. How could we not have seen him?
Kaycee knew it was futile to beat herself up over it, but couldn't help thinking about all the little mistakes that led up to all of this.
Before she knew it, her legs had led her to the front of their apartment building. She looked up, confused and defeated.
It's not like I have anywhere else to go. I don't know where he is.
She trudged up the stairs, feet and heart heavy with each step. Kaycee had began to lose hope.
When Sean left that note a few days ago, she thought he might almost be ready to come home. But after what he saw, and the fact that he wouldn't even let her explain, she was afraid that now he would never would.
Kaycee unlocked the front door and stepped through, trying her best to hold back her panic. But just as she quietly closed the front door, she stopped in her tracks.
His black Vans were on the shoe rack.
Eyes snapping up, she surveyed the room, keeping quiet and looking for signs of his presence.
Sean's bedroom door was open.
Kaycee soundlessly padded towards the open door, heart hammering hard in her chest. She prayed that he was there, but at the same time, was scared that he would be.
What do I say? What will he say?
Is he here to stay? Or will he leave again?
Please please stay with me.
As she neared the door, she saw him. Dressed in his signature black on black, Sean's back was to her, hair falling into his eyes. She couldn't see his face. But judging by the harsh way he stuffed his shirts into a duffel bag, he was furious.
He still hadn't seen her, nor felt her presence.
"Sean."
He froze at the sound of Kaycee's voice, then straightened up so fast as if lightning ran up his veins. He turned to her, eyes guarded and face schooled into cool indifference.
"Hey." He said, turning away just as quickly.
Kaycee felt like she could weep at the sound of his voice. Sure, he was cold and angry. But in that fraction of a second, she was just so happy to hear his voice again, to see him in front of her again.
The moment was short lived as Sean continued to pack his things.
"What are you doing?" Kaycee said, unable to keep the edge off her voice.
"What does it look like?" He replied over his shoulder.
She took a deep breath. Then, with as much strength and composure as she could ever muster, she grabbed the duffel bag, and began taking his things out.
"What are you-" He said. "Stop-"
Sean tried to snatch the bag out of her hands, but she stepped away quickly and continued. Tears quietly streamed down her face, but Kaycee didn't care.
Stay stay stay stay!
"Kaycee, stop." He said quietly, grabbing her wrists. The duffel bag was nearly empty, his clothes thrown haphazardly over his bed. "Stop it, please."
"No." She uttered, removing the last of his belongings from the bag. She picked up a few of the shirts that were thrown onto the bed, and moved to put it back in his closet. But Sean matched her movement and blocked her way. They continued the ridiculous dance, shifting left and right, until Kaycee had enough.
"Dammit, Sean!" She exclaimed, shoving him in the chest. He stumbled slightly, and Kaycee took the opportunity to sidestep him. But Sean regained his balance quickly. He clamped his arms around her waist and gracelessly carried her out to the living room.
He set her down once they were out of his bedroom, and she whipped around to face him immediately. Kaycee had half expected Sean to bolt back into his room and lock her out, but instead, he stayed right where he was. He shut the bedroom door behind him, keeping them both in the living room.
For a long moment, they just stood there, staring each other down.
"What are you doing?" He growled, trying to keep his temper under control.
"What am I-" She started, biting back a bitter chuckle. "What are you doing? Why are you packing your things?"
"Why do you think?" Sean retorted. He opened his mouth to say more, then clamped shut again, struggling with his words. He paced away from her, roughly running a hand through his hair.
"Why are you even home? I came here because I thought you'd be out on your date until later."
"It wasn't a date." Kaycee quickly said.
Sean chuckled bitterly. "Yeah, sure. Because you're just friends holding hands on top of the table. Sure. Definitely not a date."
"Sean, I'm telling the truth." Kaycee pleaded, taking a step closer to him, relieved that he didn't back away from her. "It wasn't a date. I turned him down, and we were just talking."
Kaycee sighed and summoned courage from every atom in her body, reaching up to touch him. His eyes revealed nothing as she rested a hand on his chest, feeling the heartbeat she knew like her own.
"In fact, we were talking about you." She whispered.
Kaycee traced patterns over his heart, unable to look him in the eye. "I messed up, Sean. I know that, and I'm so so so very sorry. I should never have gone on that date. Heck, I should never even have said yes to it."
"Then why did you?" He asked quietly, afraid to talk above a whisper. There was a fragile tension in the air, both aware that things could go either way at the end of it.
"Because the lines were getting blurred again." She finally admitted. "We were getting so comfortable - having breakfast, going grocery shopping, FaceTime calls with our parents. It was all so real. It showed me all the things we could be, but also everything I could lose. So I did what I do best - run away and dig my own grave. But then that night, you got drunk, got that hickey, and rejected me."
"Whoa, hold up!" Sean said, gripping her gently by the shoulders, making her look at him. "When did I reject you?"
"That night! I wanted you to kiss me, but you said no!"
"What the hell? I was drunk!" He replied, running a hand through his hair again. He stepped away and began pacing the living room, lost in thought. Eventually, he took a seat on the couch and gripped his head in his hands.
"Geez, Kayc. I have been waiting so long to kiss you. You have idea!" He said, exasperated. "I have gone through hundreds of scenarios in my mind because when it happens - if it ever freaking happens - I want it to be special, and real, and us."
He looked up at her, eyes honest and pleading. "It took every bit of me not to do it. Because there was no way in hell I was going to start us off on some drunken angry kiss that I would only vaguely remember the day after."
Kaycee stood frozen where he left her, jaw slack open with surprise. This was another revelation, just one more thing she was horribly wrong about.
"I'm sorry. I didn't think about it that way." She apologized. Her pride was really taking a beating today.
Kaycee moved to take a seat beside him on the couch. She left a considerable amount of space between them, turning her body to face him properly.
"I was just so hurt." She explained. "In that moment, I felt like I was finally ready to make that leap, you know? And to have you say no - it was like a slap in the face."
Sean chuckled low, a sad but amused sound. "It's a good thing you're the one doing the rejecting all these years. Because if this is how you react to the one time I reject you, we would have been finished a long time ago."
He turned to her, a rain cloud smile gracing his face. "But you know, this isn't really about that date, is it Kayc? Nor is it about that non-kiss."
"No. No, you're right." She agreed, looking down at her fidgeting hands. "This is bigger than that."
For a long time, neither of them spoke.
After all these years, they finally made it here.
They took several detours and years of denial, but it all led back to this - the one conversation they couldn't have.
"We've been at this for years, Kayc. And I'm tired." Sean broke the ice, reaching over to take her hand in his. They fit like a puzzle pieces, they always have. "I'm so tired of playing this cat and mouse, 'are we or aren't we' game. Tired of tiptoeing some invisible line, walking on eggshells, knowing we willingly put ourselves in this situation."
"But you know what the worst part is?" Sean continued, tugging her hand to make her face him. "That I couldn't do anything about it even if I tried. All these years, I've been too busy being yours to fall for anyone new."
With her free hand, Kaycee wiped away the last of her tears.
"I kept thinking that we could put this off until we were much older. That we'd have time to sort this all out later." Kaycee replied, looking around at the home they built for themselves. "But then all this - New York, college, living together - happened. And we started building something here. Something real, and solid, and more than we ever were before.
"This scares me, Sean." She admitted, afraid to look at him or she'll cry. "And to be honest, you should be scared too."
"You think I'm not?" He answered. Surprised, she met his gaze.
If she was being honest, no, she didn't think he was. Sean was always the brave one. He was the train that kept on going. She was always the conductor, commanding all the stops and go's.
"Kaycee, this scares me out of my mind." Sean continued. "I have barely gotten any sleep over the last few years because I stay awake thinking about you and me - what we are, what I want us to be, and how everything can go to shit at any moment. I know what's at stake here. But god, look at us! Look at what has happened to us. Look at what 'doing nothing' and 'playing it safe' has done to us. Do you honestly think this is better than taking the risk?"
"What if we get it wrong?" She countered. "God, what if this is just some temporary spark, some hormonal thing that will fizzle out as soon as we have a go at it?"
She looked into his eyes, searching for an answer. Searching for some miracle, some magical optimism that would promise them a sure shot until the very end.
But instead, Sean looked away.
For a while, they sat in silence, hands clasped tightly together. She listened to the ticking of some far-off clock, begging for answers.
Eventually, Sean lifted their joint hands, and placed them on his heart. She felt his heart beat under her fingers, a steady, sure rhythm.
"I love you, Kaycee Rice."
Her eyes widened and mouth dropped open. At those 5 words, her body was set aflame, her mind completely electrified.
In all their years as friends and partners, they never said those words to each other. It was always too important, too true, to be said in passing as a joke or a birthday greeting.
But now, those life changing words have escaped Sean's lips, and Kaycee was stunned.
This is happening.
"Oh, come on. Don't do that." Sean laughed. "Don't look at me like this comes as a surprise to you. I've been loving you for years, and you've known for years. You never needed words to know, so you can put those puppy dog eyes away.
Then he turned serious. "But question is, do you love me?"
Kaycee struggled to find the right thing to say, so she settled for humor instead. "If we don't need words to know, then why are you asking?" She whispered.
Sean threw his head back in laughter, eyes squinting and dimples popping.
"Excuse me, but who here is the louder one? Who here do people think is stuck in the friendzone, huh?" He said, poking her in the ribs. "So answer the damn question."
She giggled for a second, then quickly turned serious. Sean noticed the change in her demeanor. Kaycee took his face in her small hands, fingers spreading wide into his hair.
"Yes, I love you. I love you, Sean Lew."
He smiled, and placed his hands over hers, keeping himself in her grasp.
"Do you think you'll stop loving me tomorrow?" He whispered.
Kaycee frowned. "Ummm, no."
"What about next month?"
"What? No."
"How about next year?"
"Where are you going with-"
"Answer." Sean shook his head, moving his and Kaycee's joint hands with it.
Kaycee pressed her forehead against his and looked him straight in the eyes. Up close, she could see that his pupils were dilated, showing specs of light brown in his normally dark eyes.
"No, I will still love you then. I will love you tomorrow, and next month, and next year, Sean." She promised. She meant it. "There's your answer. Happy?"
Sean smiled and pulled away, lowering their still joined hands from his face. He reached over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Kaycee's ear, and cupped her cheek.
"I'm afraid too, Kayc." He admitted. "More than you will ever know. There are a million and one ways that this can go wrong-"
"Not really reassuring." She rolled her eyes.
"But those million and one ways are nothing compared to the fear of losing you, of not loving you." Sean interjected. "Nothing compared to the fear of living a life without you."
Kaycee said nothing at first, simply letting his promise hang in the air. She closed her eyes and let Sean's words sink in, from her head to her heart, down to her soul where his light and love crept in.
After an infinity, she breathed.
"I'm scared." Kaycee whispered, clutching his hand in hers. She opened her eyes, and saw her same emotions reflected in his - sheer fear and worry, but also anticipation. And love. More love than a human mind can comprehend in a moment.
"Me too." Sean replied. He released a shaky breath, and pulled Kaycee in. She all but clambered into his lap, and wrapped herself around him in a crushing hug.
She could swear it was the best hug in the history of all hugs.
"But I trust you." Kaycee said against his ear, his hair tickling her cheek.
"And I trust you." Sean responded, a smile in his voice as he buried his face in her hair. One hand rested on her waist, and the other tangled itself at the back of her head, holding her tight and close.
"And I trust us too." Kaycee added, pulling back slightly to look at him. Sean simply smiled and nodded, the front of his hair brushing lightly against her forehead.
They stayed just like that for a while, re-memorizing each other's faces, breathing in the same air, letting the weight and meaning of their promises set in.
"Are you drunk right now?" Kaycee asked out of the blue.
Sean furrowed his eyebrows. "No. Why?"
"Or are you angry?" She questioned, a mischievous smile teasing her lips.
"Not even close." He chuckled, pushing her hair away from her face.
Kaycee laughed and brought her hands to his face, thumbs caressing the dimples she adored.
"I'd like to try that kiss again."
This time, neither of them pulled away.
~~~
Author's Note: Are we happy now?