6am | san francisco, ca
———––————
I was training harder than I have in over a year. Even my trainer was worried given that I suffered a really bad injury. He wasn't sure if I was ready. I didn't either.
I was just trying to forget about last night.
Perspiration fell aggressively down my face and neck as stood with my hands on my hips, trying to catch my breath.
My trainer looked at me with a great deal of concern, but I told him to leave it alone with my eyes.
Nonetheless, I felt healthier than ever before. Even pre-injury. I was stronger, faster and quicker. I skipped indoor track season for this very reason.
I grabbed my towel, wiping the sweat off my face and sitting on the empty bench. Ever since Jace put that pill bottle in front of me, I had a difficult time getting the awful memories out of my head.
I used to take at least seven a day. Just to sleep. I wasn't running. I wasn't painting. I barely went to class. I went completely dark.
Mariyah didn't know until she'd caught me in the middle of the day taking one. I tried to lie and say it was prescription, but she knew.
She stayed on me about going to rehab. I blew her off. In my eyes, I was fine. Until I just could no longer see the world with me present in it. I wanted to die.
So, I took majority of the pills at once and collapsed in the bathroom.
Jace knocked on the door with food and drinks in his hand. Nia hadn't answered his calls all weekend and he knew this was a difficult time for her.
This was the anniversary of Truth's death. He didn't know him personally, but he knew of him because of his friend Cris. Jace was just upset that another smart brother had lost his life over some bullshit.
He knocked on the door again, seeing that the lights and stuff were on so someone was home. Jace was starting to get concerned.
Jace twisted the knob, finding it open which was odd. Nia always locked the door. Slowly, he walked in and yelled her name. But, no answer.
Sitting the food down on the table, he went to search for her.
He checked every place possible in the kitchen, living room, guest bathroom, Mariyah's bedroom before going into hers. You don't realize how big her condo is until you're looking for someone.
When he walked in her room, everything looked to be in place. Her bed was made up and her room was clean, per usual. Sometimes Jace thought it was too clean, like she was hiding something.
He went to the bathroom door to open it, but it was locked. "Nia?" He called out once more.
Still no answer.
Jace continued to twist it but to no avail. He had a really bad feeling and that bad feeling would not let him leave that door.
"Nia!" He turned to hear another guy's voice in the apartment.
Adrian walked in her room, and paused when the two locked eyes. "Who you?" Jace asked.
"I'm Adrian. I'm Nia's best friend. You found Nia? Mariyah sent me here to check on her."
Jace could hear the concern in his voice so he decided to keep his possessiveness locked inside. Jace was about to respond when he stepped on something. He looked down to see at least three pills on the ground.
He turned back to the door in a panic. "Nia? Baby open the door." He pleaded.
Adrian went down to pick up one of the pills and his eyes widened. "Kick it down!"
Jace was confused for a split second, but didn't need to be told twice. It took him at least four kicks to get the door down and his worst nightmare awaited on the other side of the threshold.
Nia laid in the middle of the floor, lifeless. Adrian's heart stopped.
"Call 911." Jace ran to Nia, attempting to shake her awake. "Nia, baby wake up!"
Adrian called 911, but his eyes never left Nia. This had to be a really bad nightmare. It wasn't real.
Jace picked her up and took her into the shower. He turned on the water, putting her face in its path and continued to beg for her to wake up.
It took a few minutes but she started coughing and her eyes opened. She looked at him, but Jace didn't recognize them. There was no life in her eyes.
They were cold, dark and empty.
"Nia?" My trainer's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked up at him as he stood in front of me. "Are you okay?"
I cleared my throat and stood up. "I'm fine."
I walked past him to go get my backpack and phone. I packed up my backpack and drunk some water. I couldn't wait to go home and get in the shower.
My phone rung causing me to look at it. Jace's face appeared on the screen. I smiled a little, part of me wanted to answer. But another part just wanted some time to myself.
I declined the call and placed my backpack on my shoulders.
Walking out of the training facility, the fresh air hit me like a train. Jace called me again, but this time I let it ring.
I shot him a quick text to let him know that I was fine, but I was in no space to talk.
I decided to stop by a local joint for some breakfast. I hadn't ate since yesterday afternoon which was not ideal.
I could have passed out in workouts.
The local joint was in walking distance so it didn't take much time to get there. It was a small diner, but the food was good. I loved places like these.
I sat down in a booth after ordering a glass of water. I placed my backpack beside me and looked out of the window.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to black out the memories of me taking those pills.
"Stop fightin' it."
I looked to see Shiloh sitting across from me. I shook my head. I wasn't talking to a spirit in public.
The waitress came to my table with my drink and I thanked her. "Ready to order?" She smiled at me.
"Can I have the quinoa fruit salad and a peanut butter and banana smoothie?"
"Is that it?"
I nodded my head and she took my menu before walking from the table. "You're allergic to peanut butter." Shiloh spoke.
I let out a sharp breath. "I grew out of that." I responded lowly. Shiloh leaned on the table and stared at me. "Stop." I mumbled.
"You so beautiful."
"This is awkward and weird." I mumbled to myself and sat back in my seat.
Shiloh laughed like it was funny. "Only if you make it."
"Why are you here?" I asked seriously.
His laughter died down when he saw my serious demeanor. "I'm here to help, babygirl." I scoffed, shaking my head and looking back out of the window. "I don't like ya anger towards me. That's gotta change. It almost killed you."
I cut my eyes at him before redirecting my attention to the little girl waiting on the school bus. I didn't want to creep her out so I stared at something else.
"You ignorin' me?"
I took a sip of my water. "Your pop ups aren't helping." I glanced back at him.
"Do you even listen to ya moms anymore? Or anyone? I'm here to help. I'm the source of ya pain so I gotta be the remedy." He said with a some irritation in his voice.
I shrugged. "I didn't ask."
"Well if I knew you'd be a brat, I woulda just said fuck crossin' over."
That caused me to look at him. "I'm the reason you haven't.. transitioned?" I asked lowly.
Shiloh nodded. "Precisely."
What the hell? Am I in a damn movie or something?
"Nah, this real life." Shiloh answered my questions in my head. I cut my eyes at him again. "Sorry. It's a habit."
My order came and I thanked the lady again. But now my appetite was gone.
"You gon' have to eat, tho'." Shiloh looked at me. "So go on."
I looked at him before picking up my spoon and eating my food. I shook my head, not really believing what I was being told. This wasn't fair.
"So you're eventually gonna leave me again." I said aloud to myself, chuckling bitterly. "Wow."
"Nia."
"One time wasn't enough?" I looked at him.
Shiloh sighed. "I was killed, Nia. Stop goin' backwards. Ya therapist got through to you onnat."
"Well if we're going to do this, taking accountability is needed." I said.
"You think I wanted to die?" He gritted through his teeth. "I wanted to come home to you. And forget about Travis. Forget about Compton. I wanted a new life."
His eyes got glossy, but he blinked the tears away. "I was going to tell you that I loved you when I got back from Seattle."
Shiloh nodded. "I already knew you did. I died knowin' that."
I picked at my food, biting the inside of my lip. "How?"
"I told you. I'ma spiritual nigga. I felt the energy shift."
I quickly wiped the tear that fell, blinking the rest of them away. "How are you going to help me, Shiloh?" I switched the conversation.
"I'ma give you everything you need to kno' and wanna kno', but only when you're ready. You got some unanswered questions and some feelins' you need help navigatin' through. You're angry and heartbroken. That's causin' a conflict with you and Jace. You can't love him cause you're still in love with me."
"You love Jace apparently." I shot back. "That's all you talk about."
"This ain't easy for me." Shiloh said. "You think I wanna be in this position? Handing you off to somebody else?"
"Just anyone? Or someone better?" I lifted my brow. "Like you said."
"I said that because he ain't in the streets like I was. He a good guy. Clean cut."
I sighed. "That don't make him better, Shiloh. You were a victim of your circumstances. Jace could have easily been in the streets just like you."
"But, he wasn't. He's the better man for you." He responded. "We both know that."
Silence fell over us as we let the truth linger the air. That was something I wasn't ready to admit yet. Maybe Shiloh was right. I was still in love with him and admitting that would force me to truly move on with Jace.
And from the look on Shiloh's face, I wasn't the only one hurting in this situation. I needed to be more sensitive to how he was feeling.
I mean, even though this was still pretty weird.
"Where do we go from here?" I asked.
Shiloh looked at me. "Wherever you lead me. I'm following you. This yo healin' process."
I nodded my head, deciding not to fight with him. "Okay."
—
"You're quiet, Nia."
Tearing my eyes away from the glass table I was staring at, I looked at Dr. Warren. She smiled and I returned a lighter one.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
She shook her head and adjusted the notebook on her lap. "It's fine. Do you want to talk about what's on your mind? It's obviously heavy."
I immediately shook my head no. "I'm not ready to talk about that yet."
Dr. Warren studied me with her eyes, but eventually nodded. "That's fair. I won't force you to talk about anything you don't want to."
"I talked to my Dad." I said.
"Oh, great! How'd it go?"
I shrugged. "I told him how I felt about Marc. I apologized for how I acted. We haven't talked since."
"Did you expect to?" She asked.
I thought about it. "Maybe not. Especially because I was challenging him."
Dr. Warren rested her hand under her chin. "How so?"
I sighed and sat back on the couch. "I told him that he needed to stop being blind to Marc's actions. Marc can basically do no wrong in his eyes because he already feels guilty about alot of things he's done in the past."
"Like?"
I looked at her. "He cheated on my mom with Marc and then he eventually cheated on Marc. Only I, and possibly Marc, know about the latter, though."
"Hmm," Dr. Warren hummed. "Did your Dad tell you? Or you found out?"
"No, he told me. It was eating him up and he had to tell someone not named Marc, I guess."
She nodded. "I got you. So, is that why you dislike Marc? Because he possibly broke up your family?"
"There's no possibly, Dr. Warren." I looked at her. "He did break up our family."
"Didn't you say your parents were already broken up after your Mom found out?" She asked.
"It still hurt. And ruined anymore chances of them getting back together." I explained.
Dr. Warren nodded. "I understand. Well, despite that hurt, don't you think your mom came out smelling like roses? She found a man who hasn't hurt her. You can say she's a better situation."
"That's true. But that doesn't get Marc out of the clear. He has tried many times to stop me from being close to my Daddy. I mean we've always been close, but ever since they got married, I saw my Daddy less and less."
"Have you talked to Marc?"
I chuckled lowly. "Not since I went to Seattle maybe three years ago."
"I know that laugh." She smirked. "What did you say?"
I shrugged. "I may or may not have told him that he could lose my Daddy the way he got him. I was mad. But that's the last conversation we had."
"Wow, Nia." She laughed a little.
"My mouth is.. yea." I mumbled.
"When you get mad, do you go for the kill every time?"
I nodded. "I want people to feel how I feel." I glanced at her. "I know that's not good. But it's a family trait. Jamila is worse."
"Did you reach out to Ashton or did he reach out to you?"
"He reached out to me."
"Well," She started. "You answered so that's still progress. I think it's good that you told him how you felt. You should give him some time and reach out when you feel it's time to see what he has done with it."
"I'm surprised you didn't get on my back." I chuckled.
Dr. Warren laughed. "No, I'm proud of you. I also admire the relationships you have with your parents. They give you the space to talk about you feel and they receive it. That's why I couldn't understand why you didn't talk to him."
"I really hadn't talked to anyone, Dr. Warren. I just went silent."
"You talked to Jace."
I shook my head. "Not really. I've known Jace for almost two years. And he still doesn't know my deepest and darkest secrets." I paused. "Well maybe now he does."
"You may have not said things directly, Nia. But trust me, the amount of time you two have spent together in these two years, you've talked to him."
Suddenly, tears began falling as I attempted to keep them at bay. "I'm so exhausted, Dr. Warren."
She handed me tissue and I used it to wipe my eyes. "You've come a long way, Nia."
"I just feel like I take two steps forward and eight steps back."
"What are you not telling me?"
I sighed, and dug in my purse. I pulled out a brand new bottle of pills that I'd, unfortunately, gotten last night. Simultaneously breaking my promise to Jace.
She looked at me, confused and waiting for an explanation. "I am a recovering addict who's approaching her sobriety anniversary, but is about to relapse."
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