I haven't slept in at least a few days. The doctors have prescribed insomnia pills. I take them but even though they put me to sleep I don't get much rest from the sleep. It's like waking up from my coma. I didn't feel really refreshed when I woke up, and I didn't have the groggy feeling you usually have when you sleep in to long. I just felt like I did before I fell asleep.
It isn't ideal, let me tell you that. On top of that my cast on my leg and the new experimental leg they have me trying out make it impossible to wear anything other than the shortest clothing I own. I would rather be dressed in my old camo cargos and black shirt than the coral pink mini shorts and white tank top.
To top it all off I can't keep from crying every night before I sink into another short drug coma. I told myself it would get better within a few days but the crying is still the same. "It's for the better. He can't hurt me as bad if he dies." I keep having to tell myself. I can't believe I let myself fall into this situation in the first place.
I am dumb. I decided I needed to go and do something so I journeyed into the labs. The advisor told me to go wait for a lab partner and we would be studying the stars to see if we really are on one of Jupiter's moons. I think it is interesting that we have to possibility to be on one of Jupiter's Moons.
I mean it would change everything we thought we knew about our home planet. Are we halfway across the universe like we originally thought or did we just stay here in Earth's Solar System. And if we are actually on Jupiter's Moon that what were the danger that we had to stay away from?
I have many questions. I just chill on the floor while waiting for my partner to come. Eventually Elijah sits next to me. His hair is messed up just a little. It is kind of cute. Then I see the circles. He is still shockingly handsome but he seems like he could benefit from a full night of sleep.
"Do you want to go to the Star Chart Room?" I ask.
He nods and I lead him down to the Star Chart room. I remember when I was younger, maybe 12 or 13, I wanted desperately to be able to sit under the glow of the false stars and kiss someone for the first time.
I thought it was so romantic. I remember sharing this thought with Alivia and Alivia had already gone passed making out in that room. I guess I was kind of shocked when I found out because for the longest time I had unconsciously thought Alivia and I were the same age.
It brought me to the startling revelation that we were actually four years apart. Strange how that is. Let me just say my first kiss wasn't under the glow of the false stars. It wasn't long after that when my "Crush" at the time had come up to me and kissed me in the cafeteria. Needless to say, I was pissed. He had ruined my dreams of being kissed under the starlit glow.
Alivia and her "Boyfriend" helped me through it though. She didn't really have a boyfriend, he was just a hookup really. Anyway it is strange being in this room with Elijah.
After I had met him I had meant to take him up here but I had just never done it. It sucks that the first time I have brought him here we are broken up and it's for actual research.
We don't really talk to one another. We just lie there underneath the false stars. I recognize these stars anywhere. They are the stars from Cambaar. However are they the stars that are above my head? I never really went stargazing in my time here so far.
Elijah seems to be enjoying the light show that dances above our heads and for that I am content. He is happy so I am happy. I try to tell myself that but I know the truth. He isn't really happy. I broke up with him. He loved me and I broke his heart because I am a coward. I feel the pain of this wash over me.
A small tear runs down my face. Elijah is looking at me now.
"Are you okay?" He asks me.
"Sorry, nostalgia. This used to be my favorite place with Alivia." I lie.
Nostalgia doesn't usually hit me in this way. It is objects not places that have a special place in my heart.
Elijah doesn't argue with that. I am glad he doesn't. We gaze up at the stars for a while. He doesn't talk or even look at me.
"Did you just not love me anymore?" Elijah asks quietly.
I feel bad. I really don't want to answer this question.
"Elijah-," I trail off.
"No answer the question." He says in a deadly calm voice.
There is absolutely no emotion in his voice. It scares me.
"I loved you." I told him.
I decided not to lie because Elijah would see right through my lies.
"Then why?"
I look over at him and see a boy so confused and hurt. My heart flutters at him looking at him but then my brain reminded my heart on why I broke up with him.
"I don't want to lose you. I figured it would hurt less if I did it before you became my other half." I murmur.
"I'm not going anywhere." He whispers.
I start to lean in a little. He sees me move and does the same. Then my brain stops me again.
"I'm sorry I can't." I tell him.
I get up quite clumsily and stomp out. Not intentionally but my boot makes it so any time I walk I go step-stomp-step-stomp ect. I don't know where I'm going right now but that's okay.
I run into our supervisor quite literally.
"Oh I am so sorry." I tell her.
"No, it's my fault I wasn't looking." She starts walking again.
"Hey, while I have you here can you consider changing my partner for the star project I'm working on?"
"Do you have a complaint against your partner?"
"Please." I beg her.
"I'm sorry Lorelei but I can't change your partner without a valid reason." She tells me.
"Right." I say bitterly.
I walk down the other hallway. I wince in pain as I misstep and almost fall. I was going to go outside but then I turned into the hospital. I decided I needed crutches if I were to continue like this.
I check in with Sage who is a military doctor now.
"Do you think you can find me a pair of crutches please?" I ask.
"Sure." Sage smiles.
I sit on the bed and wait for Sage to return with crutches. The hospital still smells like disinfectant. It stings my nose. I think I'm getting sick of disinfectant.
I look around the hospital. I had remembered it to be more light and airy. It looks so fake now with the fluorescent lights. Before we had landed everything had windows and we would get our light from a fake sun.
It sounds weird I know but the ship's designers got the color of sun right and it looked a lot more real and made the ship seem larger. When we landed we turned off the sun and used the fluorescent lights for everything.
And at least in head quarters they provided sufficient lights to fill the room. Here they have one light per room and it doesn't reach the corners as well as I would have liked.
Anyway what I'm saying is it doesn't feel like home with the one fluorescent light. When Sage comes back with the crutches I am desperate to leave this sad place. He fits the crutches for my height. Then I leave.
I use my crutches to get up a hill. I needed to be alone. Alone with myself and my thoughts. As I lay on top of the hill I feel the need to just disappear into the night. The night sky seems to beckon to me. It calls with a voice so loud I can practically hear it ringing in my ears.
How in the worlds did my life get so messed up? I really truly want to know. I was just trying to do my best when I got tossed into this whole mess. Heavens know I was just trying to be a good leader.
Then Elijah came. It all started with Elijah. I bit of resentment hit my core. I try to tell myself it wasn't Elijah's fault because it truly isn't but I feel like I need to blame one person.
That person should be me, I understand that. Why does this have to be so frustrating? I put my head between my knees because I started to hyperventilate a little. The rush of blood to my head wakes me up.
I'm done with people right now. I groan and lay back down on top of that hill.