ｊａｎｕａｒｙ ６ｔｈ， ２０１４
３１°
ℬ𝓊𝒸𝓀𝓎
Days pass by without any good chances to escape. Each time Bucky thinks he may have found a clear path, something goes awry and they lose their window of opportunity. The windows are starting to get shorter and shorter.
Lea has been subjected to more torture throughout this time. Bucky has no idea what they have been injecting into her veins, but he knows it can't possibly be good, and she is running out of time. Her bones are showing now through her skin, and her eyes are hollow. The supply of energy and spite she had at the beginning of all of this has nearly been exhausted. He hopes that somewhere inside of her, the courage and bravery he admired so much before is still there, and that these traits can help her hold out until he can get her some help.
But he is worried that she will fade away before he can.
This is all heightened by the fact that over the course of the last few days, Bucky has been growing closer to her. He can't explain what it is like to be in her presence, but even when she is half-dead with exhaustion and pain, she is fascinating and beautiful and headstrong. He is enamored with how she claims she knows nothing of what is means to be brave, yet is one of the bravest people he knows. Even when bleeding out, even when drowning, even in the face of an entire organization that is trying to force information out of her, there is a light in her eyes that refuses to go out. No matter how much pain she is, she won't give up any information on Steve.
Watching her makes Bucky want to be a better person. He still doesn't quite remember all the details of who he used to be, and he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to break through the fog that Hydra has instilled in his mind. But he desires her bravery, her courage, her loyalty. He's spent years of his life fighting for somebody else's values - he wants to have some of his own. Like Lea.
This all runs through his head as he sits with her, holding her hand between the bars of her cell. The warmth of her grip is so powerful it eases his breathing and relaxes his muscles.
Her blue eyes are staring at him as he thinks, but he doesn't notice this until she asks, "what are you thinking about?"
The fog clears and his vision focuses on her. He doesn't want to tell the truth for fear of seeming vulnerable, but he's tired of being afraid. "You."
Lea appears slightly taken aback. She cocks her head, her eyebrows knotting. "What about me?"
"Everything." She is more confused by this, but to Bucky, that word conveys nearly all of the emotion he is capable of giving. "I hate that you're here, but I'm glad we crossed paths."
Her expression softens, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips. "We crossed paths before this, you know."
A troubled expression paints his face. "I know. But I don't remember much of it. The things I do remember...I can't tell if they are memories or dreams."
She rubs her eyes and sits up in an effort to think about something other than the pain that is enveloping her. The face she makes, a grimace so genuine it makes his blood run cold, suggests that she is suffering more than she is letting on.
"The first time I saw you, you were still under Hydra's control," she begins. He nods. He had assumed this.
"I was in the woods, taking a walk like I used to like to do. The trees were bare, there was two feet of snow on the ground. A group of heavily-armed men found me. I don't know what they were doing, but they surrounded me before I could get away. I was backed against a tree. They were throwing all kinds of suggestive insults and horrible things at me, but throughout their bantering, I was watching you."
Bucky is listening intently to every word. He is not only desperate for his memories to come back, but he wants to know what he was like, what she thought of him, how this whole mess even came to pass.
"You appeared over the top of a snow bank, watching silently like a hawk from behind a cluster of trees. I remember I was startled by you for a moment, but the way you were creeping up, and the way you were looking at me and those men - you seemed different, for some reason. I remember hoping you might help me."
"Did I?" Bucky finds himself asking before she can even finish. "Did I help you?"
She gives him another soft smile. "Yeah, you did. The men were shocked that you had come out of hiding. You seemed angry that they were around me, and I guess the men hadn't expected that you would be angered by such a thing, so they were taken aback by your appearance. When one of them touched me, you erupted. I immediately ran, but I looked back several times, and I'd never seen anyone fight like that before. It was less than a minute before you were the only one left standing."
Bucky is unsure how to feel. He is glad that he helped her, but his stomach is churning at the idea of hacking people down so quickly. How many people has he done that to?
"You came back to me like a week or two later, only this time you were covered in blood from a leg wound and you were dying on my back porch. I called a friend who's studying medicine and had her stitch you up. I have no idea how you survived, but you did, and when you woke up we talked for the first time. I got some food in you, gave you some new clothes, gave you a place to sleep. You were there for one night, and you left before I woke up."
Her voice sounds pained at this last part. Bucky hates that he hurt her, although he knows that he likely left her in order to keep her safe. He mulls over her words, thinking through what they mean.
"Where did you sleep when I was there?" He asks, the image he'd seen a few days ago of Lea tucked under soft, warm covers sticking out in his mind. He must know if he'd made that up or if that was a memory.
"My bed. You slept on the floor. Why?"
Bucky smiles a little bit, looking at her face and picturing it at peace. Even with the dirt and wounds and hollow cheekbones, it's evident that she is just as radiant now as she is in the image in his head. "I had a clear picture in my mind of you in your bed. I wanted to see if I'd imagined it or if it was a memory."
Lea nods, squeezing his hand in hers. "Definitely a memory."
He nods in return. Her words are of greater comfort to him than she knows. They stare at each other for a moment, relishing in the moment and stuck in their own thoughts. It is Lea that breaks the silence after a few seconds.
She asks a question that brings him back to the present moment. A question that puts the familiar, heavy weight of the life Hydra has forced upon him back on his shoulders.
"Is it possible to live a normal life again after an experience like this?" She wonders aloud, her glance drifting to a spot on the floor just past him. It is both a random - and very relevant - question.
As much as he has been through, and as much as he wants to simply say he doesn't have an answer to that question, he knows there is a little of it that he can speak to. And if there's anything he can do for her right now, it's give her hope.
He breathes in, carefully thinking of how to articulate a good response.
"I wouldn't know completely," he begins. "I have yet to escape this life all the way. But...I have made it out before, temporarily, and experienced what life can be like after the torture. And yeah, you definitely lose pieces of yourself...like everything is a little bit darker, and you worry constantly...it's still hard to sleep, you shake all the time, normal social interactions can be really hard..."
Her eyes darken as he speaks. He wonders if this is the first time she has had to question her own sanity and health and wonder about life after Hydra. It is weird to him to watch someone else go through it - this is pain he knows all too well. He has struggled with it alone for decades.
"...but what is more important than what you lose is what you keep. I've been here for a lifetime, and yet when I was free, I could still smile and laugh and enjoy things. I found a new appreciation for the world around me. I never lost my humor completely - it was harder for me to enjoy things, but I still could. I was both completely different and in a few ways still the same. You feel like the cruelty of this world is strong enough to crush you and take everything away, but somehow, even when it tries to, there are some things that can't be taken."
She breaks her gaze with the floor and her eyes raise to meet his. He wants to hold her - he's wanted to for days - and he's never felt the urge more than he does now. But he can't comfort her with actions at the moment, only words.
"You'll get out of here and be free. You won't ever feel the same, but some parts of you will always be you, and that will help you move on when things get hard. Every time I find myself again after they get inside my head, I'm still me. A little more messed up, but still me. You will be ok again. Someday, you will be somewhere safe, and you'll be able to rest."
He presses his head against the bars to her cell, releasing a breath. His words were aimed at her, but in a way, he was comforting himself as well. Lea gives him a look that expresses all of the gratitude and meaning any words ever could, and leans her head against the opposite side of the bars. Bucky can't remember the last time he felt close to anyone, but this...this is something he can really feel, this moment where his breathing is in rhythm with hers.
He only wishes it could last longer. After what seems like only seconds, there is movement down the hall, and he pulls away from her instantly in case someone is watching.
Looking up, he sees no one, but the moment has been lost and he has been reminded that he can't keep risking the both of them being discovered like this. He has been dreaming
of possible futures for as long as he can remember, and he knows that he cannot waste another opportunity to actually reach one of them. He gives Lea's hand one more squeeze, then stands. Her gaze questions his actions as she rises with him, unsteady on her feet.
"What's wrong?" she asks, worriedly looking around.
"Nothing. But I need to get back before they suspect something," he answers, peering over his shoulder again. When he looks back at Lea, she is a bit disappointed, but she understands.
"Ok. Get out of here, then. And stay safe."
He locks eyes with her and gives her a look that he hopes conveys how serious he is when he utters his next words. "I'm going to get you out of here. I swear I will."
She nods, gives him a half smile. "I know. Now go do it already."