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At first, it's like I'm dreaming. I feel like I might faint. I have to lean against the couch opposite her, hardly able to even meet her eyes. When I do, I feel the overwhelming sense that I might just vomit. I can suddenly feel a pressure building against my chest, one that seems to be crushing me.
When she speaks, it's like a match lighting a fire. I explode, I can't contain myself anymore.
"Get out of my fucking house!" I scream, wanting to slap her for having the audacity to walk back in here.
Seven fucking years. That's how long she's been gone, and she thinks that she can waltz in here and everything will be great again?
"El, just—"
I spin around to face Noah, fury radiating off me as my body shakes with anger. "I can't believe you! How could you fucking keep something so massive from me? How could you let this stranger back in, Noah? After everything, how? How the fuck—"
"Elena," my mother sobs from behind me and my spine straightens as I spin around to glower at her.
"What the fuck do you want?" I screech, tearing at my hair to stop myself from doing something crazy. I feel the overwhelming need to punch her.
"Elena, I'm—"
"First of all," I say, laughing bitterly, "my name is not Elena. My name is Ellie. And secondly," I walk closer to her, my finger pointed dangerously close to her face. "Don't you dare say you are sorry because it's seven years too fucking late."
"I know, I know," she says, rising from the couch. I'm surprised to see that I'm now taller than her by several inches. I guess that's what happens when you don't see someone in so long.
"I know nothing I can say will ever be enough to make up for all the years that I wasn't here for the both of you, and—'
"So, why then? Why the hell are you here now?"
I whirl back around to face Noah. I can feel my face heating with rage. "How long have you known she was in town?"
"Not that—"
"How long, Noah?" I whisper, feeling my anger draining quickly when I look at my brother.
"You have to let me explain, Ellie," he says, putting his arms out like he's afraid I'll attack him. "Let me explain first."
"Fine then," I say bitterly, throwing my arms out at the side, "start fucking explaining because I'd love to hear it!"
"When you were kidnapped...I started looking into finding mum. And then after you were shot, I just...I found her and I knew that she'd want to know about it, she —"
I laugh, angrily. I sound like a crazed woman but I don't even care anymore. "You thought she'd care? You thought, even though she walked out on us seven years earlier, that she would actually give two shits about how I was doing?"
"I do, Elena—Ellie. I do care. I wish I never left you. I wish I never left you both behind. But your father was so hard to—"
I turn around to her again, feeling slightly dizzy from continuously looking at them both. "Don't you dare blame all of this on dad! He may have been hard at times, but you were a coward! He never did anything to hurt you! The only reason you left was because you were bored with your life."
"That isn't true. I love you both so much and I did back then as well. I wasn't capable of being a mother back then, I—"
"Stop," I whisper, holding out my hand. "Just stop trying to make excuses for yourself. It's so tiring to hear."
My mother takes a tentative step towards me as I cross my arms over my chest. She wipes her tears, smearing her mascara across her cheeks.
"When I heard you were shot, it was the terrible and haunting wake up call I needed to realise how stupid I had been leaving you both. But in saying that, a day has not gone by where I haven't thought of the both of you."
I shake my head, falling down on the couch next to me. "Bullshit," I say, glaring at her.
"Ellie, I know you'll never forgive me and that's okay, but you need a guardian and I am still your mother biologically and legally, even if you hate me. I'm here for you because I love you and I am so sorry for everything I've done."
"So, what? You've suddenly decided to be a mother and look after me for one year? And then what? As soon as I turn eighteen, are you going to piss off again?"
Fresh tears spring to the corners of her eyes as she frantically shakes her head. "No, I will never, ever leave you again. My biggest regret in life is leaving you."
"Then why didn't you come back?" I say, my voice catching.
She sits down on the couch opposite me, her head in her hands. "I want you to realise that both of you were the best decision of my life but there were parts of my life that I did not like."
She pauses, clasping her hands together as she looks back and forth between Noah and me.
"Your father was a great dad and before your grandfather died, he was the man I had fallen in love with. But then he took over as leader of The Skulls and everything changed between us."
I stand up, starting to pace. This isn't making sense, none of this makes sense. "El, seven years ago, right after your father became the leader of The Skulls, I was diagnosed with depression and my whole life changed. I became a shell of the person I used to be. I wasn't happy with your father anymore."
I sit back down, slightly shocked at this revelation. I'd never heard this before.
"I don't have an excuse as to why I didn't take you with me or why I didn't just get a divorce. And all I can say now is I am so, terribly sorry."
I stare at my shoes, too tired to argue anymore.
I will never forgive her. I will never be able to let go of everything she has put me through. She may have been hurting back then, but it doesn't excuse leaving her own children without their mother. She could have told us and we would have gotten her help.
"So why exactly have you returned now? Was it because Noah called you or because you actually want to be here?"
"It was both, darling. I finally realised how terrible I have been to you both and when Noah called me, I realised exactly how I could start to mend everything between us. I have missed you both terribly and I can promise you that I am here to stay. I am here to be the mother you always deserved."
"I don't understand," I whisper, feeling the tears starting to appear in my eyes once again. "Why didn't you tell anyone how you were feeling? We could have gotten you help."
She shakes her head, smiling sadly. "I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my illness. I thought it made me weak and I didn't want to be a weak person while your father was a leader. At the time, I honestly thought you would be better without me."
"I won't ever be able to forgive you," I say, my eyes meeting hers. "Too much time has passed for me to be able to even comprehend the idea of forgiveness. It will take me a long time before I will be able to even look at you properly."
"I know," she whispers, dropping her gaze. "I understand how hurt you are. I just hope you know that I will be here for you, always."
I knew there will always be a hole in our relationship. I know we won't be able to mend everything, and that I will never see my mother the same way that I had before she left.
And I realise something suddenly.
Our whole lives are made up of mistakes, of grieving, of feeling down, that we often forget to remember the greater parts. I may have been kidnapped and held against my will, but that doesn't need to shape my life. I won't let it define me and I'm not going to let it control me either.
Someday I know I'll feel whole again. Someday, maybe I will forgive my mother, even though the odds are up against our relationship. But I still have Noah, Stacey and Carmen. Maybe one day, sometime in the future, I'll have my mother too.
Maybe one day I'll have my dad and Hunter again. Maybe one day I'll feel at peace with my life.
And that someday begins with today.