Simone
The ride back to the house was silent. The silence was so loud, yet my son’s pain was louder. Pulling into my driveway before I could turn off the car Jonah jumped out. I watched him unlock the door and run in. I gathered all of my belongs and went into the house.
After a shower, I went to Jonah’s room knocked on the door. “Come in,” he says sadly. I walked in and saw him laying on his bed with pain all over him. I walk over taking a seat in his chair. I run my fingers through his curly hair.
“You want to talk about it.” “Sundays are our day momma and he just inserted himself in our family time. Not only that he wanted you to sing. You forgave him how, why. Why are you allowing him back in? Letting him hurt you, hurt us again.” “Baby I’m not allowing Gavin to do anything. Was he wrong to stay when you said it was our time, he was but should you and me made a bigger scene and make him leave.” He remained quiet.
“Jonah listen to me. I didn’t know Gavin was here now that he knows about you all he wants to do is fix his mistakes. I am not going to tell whether or not you should or shouldn’t this is your choice.” “Why didn’t you forgive your dad. Why you aren’t trying to repair that relationship. You say me and should but it's my choice, but you never tried why should I. Or is this one of those do as I say not what I do.” Tears begin to stream down my face.
“Your wrong Jonah. I did try.” Tears cascaded down my face harder. Jonah sat up looking at me crying out my pain. “Mom when did this happen.” “I numerous times. After your third birthday, I said I would never try again not after that.” “Momma what happens when you talk to him.”
“The first time I was close to being nine months pregnant with you. I wrote a long letter reminding him how I was his little girl and how much I loved him. That me sleeping with Gavin was a mistake but I would never say my son was and how I was hoping he would be apart of your life and teach him how to be a respectable man. That know what I did hurt him. I didn’t hear anything back from him. When grandma died they came I tried to talk to him. He said he only has two kids. When your third birthday came I sent pictures and videos of you. I heard back from him. I was so happy and excited.” I dropped my head and cried harder. “All the pictures of you I have sent he sent back to cut up with a message that said fuck you whore and the mixed breed soon to be fag bastard you have. You contact my family again I will have him thrown in foster care or worse.” I broke down while Jonah hugged me tightly.
“Momma why didn’t you tell me. I would have understood.” “I didn’t want you to know the kind of man he was. Yeah, Gavin did some messed up things I will agree but when he found about you he tried, not only him but his family. I will never say be best pals with Gavin or have a bond tomorrow this is up to you. I found out the hard way of my father was and I knew him for what 15 years and look at what he did. Gavin missed 16 years of your life and look at what he is doing.”
Before Jonah could respond we heard a knock at the door. I quickly wiped my face and tried to pull myself as much as possible. “Momma where do you think you're going?” “To see who at the door” “This late. Momma, I’m going.” “If you for one second think I am about to let my child open the door this time of night you crazy.” We heard knocking again. I walked out of Jonah’s room and down the steps to the front door. “Who is it?” I didn’t hear anything. “WHO IS IT,” I say louder. Jonah rushed past me so quick and open the door ready to hit whoever it was with a baseball bat.
“Heyyyy,” he said dodging the bat.
“Gavin.” i said
I rolled my eyes. “What are you doing here.” “I came here to apologize.” “You couldn’t wait ‘til morning.” “I was goi.. What’s wrong Simone. You have been crying.” “It’s nothing.” “Simone” “I’m fine.” “I also came to talk to Jonah can I talk to him alone if that’s okay with you.” “That is Jonah’s choice.” He looked at Jonah. “We can go outside an talk.” They went out the door I went to go lay down on the couch as tears begin to sting my eyes again.
Jonah
Sitting down on steps I looked up at Gavin looking at me. “Is your mom really alright?” “She will be. Why do you care it’s not like she or I mattered to you before” “I deserve that. I’m going to tell you something but you can't tell anybody. Not even your mom. In time I will tell her, but not now. Right now this for your ears only. I shouldn’t ask you to withhold information from your mom but I would like t to be the one to tell her. I looked at him in his eyes for the first time. I mean really looking deep. I nod my head in a yes motion. “I give you my word this will remain between us.”
“Before I meet your mom I slept with another woman. Actually, it was a year and a half before I meet Simone. I was never one to ‘settle down’ I was the big football and track star so going through ladies was nothing to me until that one told me she was pregnant.” I was shocked. I didn’t see that coming. Looking in his eyes again I see he is filled with hurt. He took a deep breath before continuing.
“We were still sleeping together when she said she was pregnant. Talk about a shock. It was the summer before I entered my junior year. She showed me a pregnancy test. I wanted more hardcore proof. She did that too. She brought it to me two days later said she was pregnant. I told my parents did everything I could my family was bending over backward. I was for a chance happy” Before he could continue I interrupted him. “Did she lose the baby?” I say lowly feeling sad I could have a sister or brother who has died.
“Worse,” He said as he came and sat beside me before continuing. “eight months into the pregnancy and my constant questions she told me she was never pregnant well that came after she told me she had lost the baby. Two weeks later I found out the truth.” Gavin dropped his head took a deep breath.
“I had everything set up for a little girl. That’s what the ultrasound and sonogram pictures showed. We were picking out names, buying clothes, shoes, diapers, wipes, bottles formula along with other things, I even had her a room set up in my parent's house, was giving her money for clothes, doctor’s visit. You name it I did it.”
“Wait for I thought you said she wasn’t pregnant. How... I mean the sonograms and all.” Gavin reached in his back pocket and open his wallet passing me as white folded up paper. I could feel his eyes on me. Unfolding it slowly I see the sonogram. It shows the baby clearly and shows where it says it’s a girl.
“Her name is even on the sonogram,” Gavin says then points out the patient's name. Carrie Bints. “How did you find out,” I ask folding the sonogram back up and passing it to him. “Her cousin was pregnant. She didn’t want the baby and was going to pass it off to Carrie and me to raise. It broke my heart so bad. I cried for days. Didn’t leave out of the baby rooms. I was so ready to be a father at least I thought I was. I ended up losing myself in the midst of all of this shit. I wanted to go to the doctor's appointments but she claims the only time was when I was practicing. That bitch even sent me a video of the baby’s heartbeat.”
He looks at me then continued. “I no longer wanted to feel. That was a pain I was unfamiliar with. Months later I packed all the stuff up went to the hospital passed it out to women who had little girls. When I meet your mom.” I watched him smile. Something I never have seen before not a real genuine smile. He continued.
“Your mom, I guess you can say breathed life back into me. I didn’t have to pretend I could just be me.” “You and mom seem complete opposites.” He laughed, “We are, but Simone became the calm in the storm I was going through.” “Why didn’t you tell her?” “That was the one thing I never told her. Only my family knew and my best friend Allen. I wanted to but the pain was still raw. Yes, it was a year prior but I couldn’t get over it. When Simone told me she was pregnant I felt that pain all over again and in my mind, I was thinking it's going to be like Carrie or worse. So I told her to kill it.” I watched as Gavin’s face got red and tears stream down his face.
“Jonah you don’t know how much I regret that. When she left I seen her. I turned back around and yall were gone. Years later I got word saying Simone had an abortion. “WHAT,” I said. “I tried to find her believe it or not but I never did. I know none of this makes anything better or fix what I fucked up but I am deeply sorry. I know you asked me to stay away and from now on I will.”
Looking at him I didn’t know what to feel or what to do. “Jonah don’t feel you have to forgive or accept my apology because you don’t. I was wrong I fucked up. I was to busy trying to be THE man instead of BECOMING a man. The pain I have cause to you and your mom nothing can repair that damage but I will respect your wishes.” I nodded in a yes motion. “Let’s go check on your mom.” We stand up and walk in the house with Gavin behind me. I see my mom sleep on the couch. I smile. “Where is her room?” Gavin picks her up bridal style and follows me to her room.
When he lays her down he pulls covers on her. I kiss her cheek. “I love you momma” I whispered out. Gavin stands there looking at her then smiles kisses her forehead then leaves.
I follow him down the step. “Make sure you lock up.” “Did you love my mom.” The look on his face was a puzzle of emotions. “I’ll tell you later. Get some sleep you have school and practice tomorrow.” I will.” “Jonah one more thing. Don’t be like me. Be better than me. I’ll see you at practice.” He said then walked off to his car.
I went and checked on my mom again before getting in bed and allowing the darkness to take over.
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