So Nicky convinced me to stop. And I'm glad he did, looking back on things. And in the weeks to come, I was–of course–still overly upset and broken hearted, but somehow not sad all the time. The only time I ever got to be sad was when I was at home. You see, my friends were constantly distracting me with various things. Maybe it was on purpose, maybe it wasn't, because, you know, they aren't always right in the head. But regardless they were always distracting me, be it with homework or what kind of bread their sandwich was made out of. Currently, I'm in quite the deep conversation with Marky and Pink and Nicky. Several others keep joining in. Oh, one more thing: Nicky. He's almost always the source of my distraction. He's always talking to me or over at my house–like I said, when I'm alone that's when I can be sad–and I'm not complaining, but it's not like I need babysitting. Anyway, the conversation:
"...Marky and I are gonna stay local, ya know?" Pink was saying. I think we were talking about college again. Nicky was nodding. I wasn't really listening. Something I've learned to do over the past few weeks is to just drone them out. I'm never left alone to just think or whatever. Not that much other than Steven clouds my thoughts. "What about you Charlie?"
"Huh?" Currently, I was practicing my newly learned skill.
"Where're you gonna go?" Marky asks. Nicky stares at me. I wish they wouldn't've brought me into this.
"I dunno," I say with a shrug. "Haven't given it much thought." And then the weight of guilt and stress was added to the load I was already bearing. School ended in less than a week. That's right, folks. Friday is the last day and graduation is on Saturday. But to me, today feels like just another Monday... Because it is just another Monday, sorta.
"No big deal," Nicky said. But yeah it frickin' was a big deal. "You've got all summer."
I thought, Not really, but only gave a shrug and continued to pick at my sandwich.
"Aw, yeah, summer! I forgot about summer!" Robbie exclaimed, joining in the conversation.
"It... happens every year, Robs," Mandy said slowly. A few people laughed at that. I allowed for a small smile, though it didn't reach my eyes.
"Yeah, well..." Robbie replied, collecting his thoughts, "my parents're goin' away this weekend."
"What?!" Johnny demanded. "Why didn't you tell us sooner? You are having a blowout, right?"
Robbie laughed as though the question were ridiculous. "Uh, duh. I've already called Fletch about the beer kegs..." he continued proudly, but I stopped listening again.
Tuesday went the same way.
--
The bell rang and the impatiently waiting ninth period English class leapt from their seats. Picking up their backpacks, a few hung back to tell the teacher to have a nice summer. However, most, including myself, rushed out of the stuffy room.
I met Nicky by Pauly's car, where we were waiting for the others. To us, it was just another Friday again.
I allowed Nicky to drive my car because I wasn't sure where we were going (he let me join them only if I promised not to do anything–and I promised). I knew that the night's final destination would be Robbie's place, but that wouldn't be for awhile.
I went out with Nicky's friends right after school to treat ourselves to a celebratory last-day-of-school pizza. And once again I was not sad.
But as it turns out, Robbie's parents found out about the party and we all met up at a local bar for some live music instead. Still I wasn't upset nor did I think about Steven.
It was midnight now, and Nicky, Danny, and Andy and I were sitting up in Nicky's room listening to music. The three of them had had considerable amounts of beer.
"Here, Charlie," Nicky said, handing me a bottle of beer. What? "Drink this."
"But you said–"
"Whatever," Nicky replies lazily with a shrug. I decide that I'm no longer in school so it doesn't really matter. I pop the cap off.
--
Saturday's graduation was filled with tears, though not from me. Jess attended, my mom (and of course Arthur) attended, as well as Alice, my dad, and my mom's parents. Gretchen Applegarth was the valedictorian of the Class of '72, if you wondered or cared–I didn't, personally. The creators of the prank were still unknown–to all but my friends and me, wink wink.
When all was said and done, the band played the recessional and we paraded off the stage. The first person to hug me was my mom, Jess followed soon afterwards. Arthur tried to hug me so I sucked it up and let him. Only four more people to hug, yet (I hate hugging). Dad, Alice, and grandma and grandpa all hugged me and I was finally free... Or so I thought. I wasn't really paying attention to who I was hugging, so after my grandpa, I thanked whoever was congratulating me and hugged them. But as I was hugging them, I realized that I shouldn't be hugging any more people. I looked to see who it was.
"Tom?" I looked behind him. "Joey? Brad?" What the hell are they doing here?
"It's been forever," Tom explained. "Where've you been?"
I look at him like he's crazy. Do they... Not know? "I've been here... What're you doing here?"
"Congratulating you," Brad replied smartly. "Can't we do that?"
I shrug, pushing my questions to the back of my mind and thanking them for coming. But I couldn't get my initial question to go away: Is Steven here?
Of course he's not here! Why would he come to my graduation? Suddenly, the day isn't so bright. The familiar clouds come back around my head and I again feel like I'm in a daze. Just get through this, then you can go home...
I didn't get to go home. The three Aerosmith boys insisted on treating me and all of my friends to lunch. Of course we had to pay for ourselves because Tom, Joey, and Brad have no money, though. I was waiting on Nicky after the lunch so that I could take him home. I wondered what was taking him so long until I saw him talking with Brad, Joey and Tom. So I went over there to evesdrop. Maybe I'd get a clue as to why they're here.
"We're sorry, man," Joey was saying, "we had no idea." I had the fleeting impression that they were talking about Steven and me.
"He didn't tell you guys?" Nicky demanded. Yeah, they're definitely talking about us.
The three of them shook their heads and Nicky sighed in exasperation. "We wondered why he didn't want to go..." Tom muttered.
"Anyway," Brad said, "we gotta get back. Later, Nicky."
Nicky nodded a goodbye and spun around, running right into me. And then we went home.
--
After graduation, summer seemed to fly by on most days. Every day the pain seemed to weaken, and sometimes there were days where it didn't hurt at all. But those were really rare. Occasionally I'd go out and party with Nicky and them, but mostly I just liked to stay home and play the guitar, like usual. At one point, I remember going three days straight without feeling any sort of pain in my chest. But then on the fourth day my mom made me clean my room and I was clearing out a desk drawer. I found the old piece of paper that Steven had slipped into my pocket with his number on it the night we first met. The Walrus xx. I clutched the paper but found that I wasn't able to form tears. I was only able to let the wave of pain wash over me, though it didn't last as long as I thought it would.
And then a few more days went by with nothing. By now summer was almost over–it was mid-July to be exact. And then the weirdest thing happened. I woke up one morning and I didn't feel it anymore. You see, when I say nothing, I mean after the initial pain that slowly ebbs as I wake up. But today for the first time, there was literally nothing there.
It wasn't there the next day either. Or the next day, or the following day after that, actually.
It was gone.
The world seemed like a happy place again. The birds outside my window didn't seem like they were singing a funeral requiem anymore.
Something changed in me when I woke up on that Thursday. And I didn't realize it until just now what it was. I was over it. Done. I don't need him to be happy, I can do that on my own. I can't necessarily say that I'm moving on, but I'm definitely over it.
And it felt good.
--
I decided to take a year off of school. I figure, what's one year gonna do? It gives me all summer and then some to apply to various colleges, as well as get a job in order to pay for said college. Plus, I get more time to hang out with Nicky and his friends. What's the harm?
You know what's weird, though? Once it stopped hurting, I slowly stopped thinking about him. And as summer melted to fall and the autumn leaves fell off, I found that life does go on. That's why, on one particularly chilly evening in late August, I chose to say yes.
Here's the scene:
I was relaxing on the roof with Nicky, watching the sun set. We had just gotten back from quite an intimate dinner. I say intimate because it was just the two if us for the first time since probably back when I first met Steven. We were lying quite close together, Cream (their new record that Nicky bought me tonight) was drifting through my window. Under other circumstances, one could say the setting of the mood was romantic.
It all happened rather suddenly. It was quiet other than the music until Nicky said in a voice almost barely audible, "What if you randomly told a person you loved them?"
I laughed. "I dunno," I said. "Depends on the person, I guess."
"Seriously," he stated, flipping onto his side so that his head was propped up on his hand and he was facing me. I followed likewise. As I thought of some sarcastic answer, he just stared at me. I decided not to answer and just see how long he would stare at me for.
A long time. I stared back. I never realized how deep into a person you could see through their eyes. Again, Nicky broke the silence. "He's right," he muttered.
"Who?" I asked with a yawn.
The sun was long gone by now. Nicky didn't answer my question. Instead, he said, "You really are gorgeous."
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I was in shock. I thought we finished this a long time ago–like over a year ago.
And then I realized something. I realized what Nicky was trying to ask earlier. What if you randomly told a person you loved them? I blinked. "It depends on the person," I repeated, and then I paused for quite a long time. "A certain type of person might say that they loved you too." Nicky raises an eyebrow just as I smile. We sit up at exactly the same time, rather close to each other.
"I'm gonna do this now," Nicky says after a while. Somehow I knew exactly what he was talking about.
So there we were, two silhouettes against the moonlight, eyes closed, held together by our lips, sitting on the roof. The perfect scene from a movie or book.
But this wasn't a movie and this isn't a book. This is real life. My life.
And life goes on.
--
A/N: Oh, God, I don't know how to continue this into an ending... Bear with me for now, I'll figure it out... c: