Mama Laurie was on my mind all day. I missed her so much. Some days I'd go in her room and sleep just to feel close to her.
She had a brain aneurysm and was diagnosed too late. There was nothing they could do. She was in the aneurysm subarachnoid hemorrhage stage when we got to the hospital. She ignored a lot of the symptoms until the pain was unbearable. She had these really bad headaches and was sensitive to light. She'd also be nauseous and sometimes faint.
I found her crying in her closet curled in a ball. I immediately yelled and ran down stairs to get Mikey, while dialing 911. The ambulance came they checked her then rushed her to the hospital. I road with her and Mikey was right behind. As soon as we reached, they rushed her back. That was it. She died on the table. The Doctor came out notifying us of what happened. If she had gone in for a check-up, this could've been prevented. I know not to think like that, though.
A lot of our family flew in from Nairobi for the funeral. Some we've only met a few times. They don't travel to this country often. We were all to support each other. Over the years, they got to know us. We visited once a year. I always love it especially visiting mama Laurie's twin sister aunt Anitah and uncle Benson.
Today we went to settle my grandmother's will. She had everything already in our names. Her dance studios were left to me. Some other investments went to Mikey. The house and the cars was left to my brother and I as well. She also had accounts in place for the both of us with very large amounts. I'm grateful, but I just miss her.
It was a crazy past few days getting back into the swing things. But the first week of school was down. I could breate a little and start the countdown for graduation.
I'm also pissed because mama Laurie left us these vehicles, and I'm not allowed to drive. My brother won't budge. If Mama Laurie were still here, she would convince him. "What's wrong with you, you're still pouting?" Mikey humorously questioned, leaning on the island in the kitchen.
"I don't know why I can't drive still. I have my license, and I'm responsible. I've never done anything to make you not trust me. I'm almost eighteen. I don't understand you sometimes." My voice elevated immensely. He stood quiet listening. "You don't talk to me about anything. Why can't I just drive one of the cars outside?"
"I'm not trying to be an ass, but I said no, Rai. Let's leave it at that." He spoke calmly, which resulted in me rolling my eyes. I walked away, heading back upstairs to my room. I was pissed. I felt like nothing was ever going to change. If it wasn't for Mama Laurie, I probably wouldn't even have my license. If I could drive I would be able to commute easily without any problems. I hate relying on my brother to take me everywhere.
As I got comfortable on my bed, I heard a new voice downstairs. It was Adrian. I hopped up running out of my room. I comfortably sat at the top of the stairs to hear them. I did this a lot growing up. I just love being around his presence.
"What's up? You look irritated?" Adrian asked. "Nothing, it's just Raina's pissed at me. Any little disagreement between us is major these days. Especially with mama Laurie gone and me having to do this by myself."
"What disagreement?" Adrian asked and Mikey loudly blew out a breath. "She's just growing up, and this shits not easy. I trust her. It's these other people out here in this world I can't trust. She basically want me to let up a little bit. As I said, dealing with her on my own since Mama Laurie's past it's been a tough adjustment. I've been trying to make sure nothing slips through the cracks, not again." He stopped catching himself. I could hear his frustration building up in his voice. "Whatchu' mean?" Adrian asked quickly.
It got quiet. As I was about to get up to rush downstairs, Mikey spoke. "Nothing —shit was out of my control." He hesitated. Both were quiet for a few moments. I waited to hear what was next. I could only hope he didn't continue the conversation. The last thing I wanted was for Adrian knowing my business.
"Look, I want to say something to you. You might not want to hear it, but you must hear it." Adrian paused I'm assuming to see if Mikey was ok with him continuing.
"I don't know what you and your sister have been through before moving here. I've never asked. I understand everything doesn't need to be said or explained. At least not to me. So I won't push it. What I do know is that you have to trust the work you and mama Laurie put in. Y'all did good. Your sister is doing well. Stays out of trouble, —in fact has never been in trouble come to think of it. Also she's very wise, always making good choices. I understand it's scary and I hate that I'm the one telling you this." He paused.
"You have to have faith and firmly believe in it. I mean that shit from the bottom of my heart. Either that or you're going to stay stuck in this same conversation, y'all been repeating for years now." Adrian genuinely stated.
There was another pause. Mikey didn't have anything to say. So maybe what Adrain told him had him thinking. Thank you Adrian.
"Well I'ma leave and let you process. I got your back Mike. Don't even sweat it." He patted my brothers back. "Thanks, man."
"What was that you needed earlier?" Adrian remembered. "Right, it was just about some chick named Red doll who asked about you. Leah told me. She wanted to link with you again. She said she sent you a friend request or something. And that y'all got off on the wrong foot."
Red Doll, who is that? Goes to Leahs page to look her up right now as they continue to speak. "Nah I'm good, I thought I already handled that." Adrian stated.
"Well apparently she said she had a good time with you, soooo? You said you wanted to slow down and you were getting bored with your lifestyle." Mike spoke making Adrian laugh. "Man chill with all that, —no thank you. I'm good."
Their volume decreased. I could no longer hear the conversation. I scrolled through my phone, looking at this woman name Red Doll, AKA Dani White's social media page. Wow, she's pretty. Her backside looked a tad bit enhanced. She could've gone smaller but it's nice. Who am I kidding, it's probably real. Some of these videos of her dancing, shows her skills. She definitely had some, put my little twerking sessions to shame.
Maybe this is his type. Sigh. Yep, very far out of his league. I sat staring at my phone while my brother was saying goodbye to Adrian. "Think about what I said for real Mike. I'm about to head home myself and finally get all of that stuff I've been dreading out of the garage." They slapped hands. "Aight, A3."
After hearing the door shut I went back to my room, and plopped down on my bed. It breaks my heart to hear my brother's so stressed out like this. I never want to be the cause of someone else's stress. I do believe he's done a great job with me. I'm grateful. He sacrificed his youth to help me. Even when he was away in college. He was home every chance he got and when he was away all he did was worry about me. He stayed on mama Laurie's neck. She grew tired of it, but she understood. He had a list for me to follow and made sure my schedule was full. He was paranoid.
Mama Laurie helped him to loosen up some over the years. She even convinced him to let me go on weekend getaways for girl trips with her and my best friend, Sienna. She wanted to give us a break from being around each other so much.
I think apart of the reason why he won't give Leah a chance is because of me. My brother is in love with her and he claims its because of her occupation. That might be part of it. The other part is that he doesn't want his focus off of me. Leah loves Mikey just as much as he does her. I'm pretty sure they could easily work something out. He's already grown attached to KJ, her son. Mama Laurie loved her and KJ too. She always felt like they would take the next step in due time.
I can't be selfish. The system we have work. I need to trust the process too. He's gotten me this far, so he knows something. It's bittersweet.
I don't even trust myself sometimes. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing or not without the help and guidance from my brother? I'll be eighteen next year. I need to stay focused. I've come too far. Grandma and brother have invested so much into me.
I head a knock at the door. "Come in."
"Hey." Mikey spoke above a whisper with his head down. "Hey."
"I need to talk to you." He came in.
"Ok." I nodded my head sincerely, sitting up.
"You're growing up on me and I don't know how to let you go. Not even the slightest bit." He said finally looking up at me. "It won't be easy and I need you to work with me."
I nodded my head, not knowing how to deal with my brother's emotions. This was foreign to me. I usually get how proud he is of me or a speech about staying focused. I never get this version of him. Moments like these made me most nervous. Just as much as he want to be there for me and make sure I'm good I want the same thing for him.
"We came along way, and nobody can understand that better than us." I nodded agreeing, remaining quiet. "So if you want to take one of the cars to and from school. Then to and from your extra curricular activities I'm ok with that." He exhaled. "All I ask is that you be upfront. Don't lie to me."
I smiled, nodding. "Thank you. It's just that now I'm not sure I'm ready. What if I mess up, straying away from our daily routine? Last thing I want to do is change then everything go downhill. How do I know what's best for me?" I looked to him concerned.
"That's a part of growing up little sis. You have to try. As much as it pains me, I can't hold you back. We have to have faith." He paused smiling and I then remembered what Adrian said. "So with that said lets go pick out which car you want. Anything except the new G- wagon of course. That's too much car for you." He laughed, while we were headed down stairs.
I didn't want the G Wagon anyway. I already knew what I wanted. The white Tesla model X with the falcon wing doors. Mama Laurie purchased this car because she knew it was my favorite in hopes I'd be able to take it for a spin one day. She made smart investments so she was really well off.
We made it to the cars. "Thank you Mikey!" I jumped up and down squeezing the life out of him.
"You know you don't have to thank me. You deserve it." We stood in front of my new car. "Also, I wanted to talk to you too." I spoke, stealing glances at him. He did the same, furrowing his brows.
Mikey had been blaming himself for years. There's no reason to. I paused for a second taking a deep breath. "It wasn't your fault, you hear me? None of it was your fault." Knowing he needed to hear those words because as soon as I said them, he froze. I got directly in front of him to get his full attention.
"It happened to me. You were not there, nor were you aware. There was absolutely nothing you could've done differently. The foster family who took me in is at fault and it's their fault alone. Stop putting that on yourself. Trust me. It doesn't help." I said, witnessing my brother fight tears but fail. He quickly wiped them away. Red face, shaky hands. He was falling apart right before my eyes.
I stood closer to him, placing a hand on each shoulder. My brother needed me too. At that moment, I realized we needed each other equally. It was one thing to know we had each other's back, but my brother needed me to reassure him. I'd do this every day if it made him realize it's not his fault. I want this to stop eating away at him.
"Breath, Michael." I spoke calmly. A moment later, he released, letting out a painful sob. I pulled him in hugging him tight with everything I had.
"You— you shouldn't have gone through that, the rape, the beatings. Why didn't you tell me when they started touching you? I could've fixed this before it lead to you getting raped. I just don't understand why you kept it from me. I could've been there for you." He cried out, in a screech I had never heard before. It shook me to my core. "I was embarrassed Mikey." I vulnerably confessed.
"I'm your brother. You were supposed to tell me, Rai. I don't care what I had to do to get you away I would've done it." He fussed, breaking away from my embrace.
"I know and I'm sorry, I didn't know how to tell you they were touching me. I was young. I was scared. I didn't think it would ever go that far." I stopped talking, taking a moment to study him. His heart was completely broken all over again. He stood shaking his head repeatedly as he tried to control himself. But not instead of fighting tears he was fighting anger.
"Then the baby." He mumbled. Immediately I paused knowing that's a trigger for me, I froze. My racing heart was beating so loud it almost pierced my ear drums. My body tensed up and I got hot all over. My eyes were seeing spots. I was due to pass out at any moment.
He stared at me realizing what he'd done. "Shit Rai. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up. I didn't mean to say that. I'm so stupid." He pleaded. I looked down randomly at my hands. Not necessarily upset, just didn't want to ever speak of or hear about this.
"No, it's ok." I replied lowly, backing away from him. "I'mma' head back inside and get dinner started." I tried to make it seem like everything was ok. I'm pretty sure he wants to put some space between us. Which was good because I needed to be alone right. I know he didn't mean to bring it up. Sometimes he has a way of doing that, putting his foot in his mouth.
"Ok, I'll be in soon. Ima' go for a drive. I'll be back before dinner." My brother utter. The guilt from it all stole his face. Time apart was what both of us needed, although I would rather not speak of this again. "Ok cool." I turned to walk back inside.
As soon as I was on the other side of the front entrance I dropped to the floor. My head tilted back against the door. I closed my eyes. I stayed down there for at least ten minutes. I couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything but sit there.
I got up and showered so I could start dinner. I decided on a garlic tomato pasta and asparagus with rolls. Something light and quick.
I prepared everything and set the table. I was moving on auto pilot. After I turned the stove off and cleaned. That's what I do when I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts, clean.
Straightened the bathrooms, and dusted the family room. Then back in the shower for my second time since Mikey left.
Every time I get in this head space I feel dirty and worthless. I used to scrub myself until I bled. I went through a lot of phases. I used to cut my upper inner thigh. I wanted to feel and see the pain or distract myself from what I felt inside. I would even cut sometimes when I was happy. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy so I would cut to feel pain, something familiar. I stayed isolated, pushed people away for no reason at all. I'd also organize everything around me, just so I can feel in control of something. I don't want to go backwards.
Mikey made it back home. He came straight upstairs and knocked on my door. "Come in." He opened the door and spotted me on my bed. "How are you feeling? I'm so sorry, Rai."
"I'll be ok, don't worry," I reassured him, but I was still standoffish. "I don't want you to start shutting me out, Rai. I know it's a lot and it's not easy." He said, looking at me.
"That's something I don't want to talk about, and you know that. I never understood you and mama Laurie with this. Why do y'all push this conversation? I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It." I stated slowly hoping he would finally get it.
"Ok. Maybe we should contact your therapist and see what she has to say about-" I interrupted him. "No, I'm fine and you just have to trust that. I'm not some ten year old little girl anymore. I can handle things. I know I have your support and you have mine, I get it."
He decided on dropping the subject. "You coming down to eat?" I nodded. "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute. Just let me freshen up." He said ok and left out, closing the door behind.
I couldn't get over how I was feeling. No amount of showers can change that. Maybe I should just call and see what my therapist has to say.
I took another shower, then went downstairs to have dinner with Mikey. It was quiet. Neither of us minded it though, just pondering in our own thoughts. I decided to break the ice. "So, where did you go?"
"I was driving around and found a dog park. I parked and sat in the car watching people play with their dogs and talking." He placed his napkin on top of his plate. "Sounds interesting, don't tell me you want a dog now?" My eyes squinted.
He laughed a little. "I was thinking maybe seeing about having one here for KJ." I smiled at the thought.
"That would be good, what kind exactly? You're thinking a big or a small dog?"
"I was thinking a Golden or Labrador Retriever. They say those are the best dogs for situations like his." He said, and I immediately gravitated to the thought. "Love it. How do you think Leah would feel about it?"
"That's the tricky part. She doesn't do well with new things when dealing with KJ. She don't want to disrupt his progress, but I think it would help." He drank the last bit of his water from the glass.
"How so?" I wanted him to explain further. So he could confidently present his case to Leah. "I read up on it. —I googled while I was out there. He could have a service dog —it'll cost a great deal, but I think it will be worth it. They train them specifically for autism."
"Hmm." I raised my brows impressed. That made him smile. "It'll help him socially, with his anxiety. Have a great companion. They could grow up together."
"You really thought this through huh. So about how much is it?" I asked getting down to the real questions.
"It can start at ten thousand easily." He said while scratching the back of his head. My eyes almost popped out of my head. "Wow, that's a lot. You know Leah won't be ok with you spending that much." He sighed then said, "Yeah I know. I'm hoping I can leave that part out. I just need her to agree to it."
"Good luck with that. I'm here if you need any support. I think its a great idea. At least trying KJ out and seeing if he takes a liking to the dog first." I suggested, wiping area down and placing my napkin on my plate.
"Yeah." He got up from the table, grabbing my plate. We were done with dinner. We decided to tag team the dishes. "I think I'm going to call Dr. Mills in the morning. To check in with her." Mikey glanced at me smiling. "Ok."
****
It was a rough night I didn't get much sleep. I was sitting on my bed debating on contacting Dr. Mills, my therapist. She gave me her cell and told me to call anytime I needed anything. I had been seeing her ever since I moved. That was the first thing Mama Laurie established, therapy for us.
I heard the doorbell downstairs. I got up to answer it. It was KJ and Leah. They usually came on Saturdays to spend the day. I had two tutoring sessions and a meeting at one of the dance studios. My day was booked.
"Heyyyy." I sung out as I opened the door greeting them. Mikey came down the stairs smiling. "Hello my Raina." Leah embraced me. We swayed side to side.
I brought my attention to KJ. "Hi, my sweet boy —can I take him up to do our puzzle in the game room? I don't have tutoring for another few hours."
"Sure go ahead," She hugged Mikey. He kissed her cheek three times. She blushed. I was filled with joy and elation. I wished they'd gotten together already.
"Dang Rai, can I speak to my boy first." Mikey cracked up. I playfully mugged and shoved him. "Whatever." Things were still a little awkward between him and me, but at least we were interacting with each other.
He chuckled. "I'll come and get him. We're going to the History Center in a little bit. Can you meet us over at Yebos later for dinner? We'll be in that area all day. It's not too far from the museum."
I shook my head. "Ok, sure. Just text me the time." He said ok, then spoke to KJ and had a moment with him. Leah and I looked on as they did their little routine. It was a snapping of the fingers and tapping of the shoulders. I don't know. After they were done, I took KJ with me upstairs. Mikey and Leah went to the kitchen.
"We can do more on the puzzle or build LEGOs. We can do some of the plane you and Mikey are building. Whatever you want to do we can." I suggested once we got upstairs in the game room. He went over to the puzzle and sat in one of the chairs in front of it. I sat in the chair next to him. We worked on the puzzle until it was time for them to go. Mike and Leah came and got KJ and they left.
I went upstairs and sent Sienna a text then got ready for my tutoring sessions. Both were set to meet me at the library.
12:21 PM
Me: Siennnaaaaaaa!
12:23 PM
Sienna: What up sis?
12:23 PM
Me: What are you up to?
12:24 PM
Sienna: Spending the day with my man
12:25 PM
Me: I'm about to head to my tutoring sessions, then the studio. Having dinner with KJ, Mikey and Leah later. Tell Trey I said hi.
12:26 PM
Sienna: He said hey bestie lol. Everything ok Rai?
Damn she know me well.
12:27 PM
Me: Yes, everything is great. You kids have fun. I'm about to head out. I was just checking in with you.
12:27 PM
Sienna: Ok Rai, I love you. I know something's up, but I'll get with you later.
12:29 PM
Me: I'm ok I promise. I love you too.
I grabbed my bag, phone and keys then headed out the door. I sat in my car for a moment, not necessarily to think. I needed to stop for a second. That overwhelming feeling comes in waves. Reminding me that I needed to make a call to my therapist.
I drove to the library and parked close to the entry. I pulled my phone out and called Dr. Mills. I made an appointment to see her first thing tomorrow.
My phone pinged after I hung up. It was a text from Mikey.
1:23 PM
Mikey: At the library yet?
1:23 PM
Me: In the parking lot about to go inside.
1:25 PM
Mikey: What time she coming?
1:25 PM
Me: In about five minutes. My next one is at 3:00 after this
1:27 PM
Mikey: Ok, text me when you're done before you go to the studio.
1:27 PM
Me: Will do.
My tutoring sessions went well. Both came on time, so it worked out perfectly. I went over to the studio. Mama Laurie's team was already in place. Things were running smoothly. I was learning as much as possible. It was a lot for one person, mainly because I couldn't devote much of my time to it.
Dinner at Yebo was great. We joked and laughed a little. Things seemed okay with Mikey and me. Then again, it's only awkward when we're home alone.
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{Song in M/M "Build" By: Justine Skye feat. Arin Ray}
{Photo used new character (Diezel, Toni Braxton's son) as KJ}
{Vote & Comment guys, and share too, please!}
{Adrians POV next Chapter}
{I hope you guys are good, much love.}