alexis
On the morning of August 14, I woke up at dawn. It was the day I was finally going to leave, and return to my real home in Seattle. This was a day that I had both dreaded and begged throughout the course of the past few months, but I surely didn't think it would arrive so fast.
I never thought that I would fear leaving, not when I had spent weeks upon weeks crying because I was being forced to spend the summer here, forced to confront everything I hated about myself, and my life. And this entire summer wasn't about Calum, really. It wasn't about Calum just the same as it wasn't about Luke, or Gram, or any particular city. Instead, it was about finding myself. I'd lost myself in the way that everybody on Earth fears they would. I had hid myself in order to love another person, another person who did exactly the same for me.
But it wasn't romantic. It was destructive.
My phone flashed with a notification, and I no longer felt my heart rate beat faster at the idea of Calum texted me- I knew better. It wasn't him. And I was right. I picked it up, there was no notification from this boy who I pretend not to love. It was only my older brother back home, wishing me good luck on the flight.
I sunk back into bed and pulled the covers to my chin. He hadn't reached out to me in the past two weeks, not since I ended things. Not since I ripped everything out of both of us and left us to drown. The silence was brutal, but it was best for the both of us.
But that doesn't mean I wouldn't spend the rest of my life missing him.
I really don't think i will ever get over him.
calum
She broke me. There is no doubt in my mind that with her words she took everything from me. But it was different this time. It was different because she was giving me something to live for: life.
The past few years of my life have been a nightmare, a rollar coaster. I moved two states away, leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. I came to Seattle and I fell in love, and I took her down with me. And in everything that came afterward, I only cared about one thing: Lex. And now I see the problems with that, the prefaces to our demise. And as much as I wish I wanted to take everything back, I don't. I never will.
This morning, I got up and I opened the blinds. I have opened these blinds every morning since she left me two weeks ago, for the first time in years. For the first time in years I am seeing the light. And only now I see how blind I was for so long.
The light is blinding, but it is beautiful.
While I am drinking my coffee, my phone lights up with a call from Luke. I answer it on the first ring.
"Hey Luke,"
"Hey Cal. You sound good," He says positively, and I breathe. He is right, somehow. Maybe he was always right.
I open my mouth to respond, but he cuts me off. "She's leaving today," He blurts out. "She's leaving today and I don't know what to do about it." I place my coffee down with a shaky grip, and glance over at the calendar that Lex had adjusted when she'd come to my apartment the first night, after the party. There was a big red circle around today's date, in Lex's delicate handwriting.
"I know," I responded carefully. I am unsure how to respond to something like this. We all have known this day was coming. As much as I used to think about the possibility of her staying here forever, it is unrealistic. She hates this city, and neither of us will ever move on if we are in the same vicinity.
Should she stay here, we would never go anywhere with our lives. It took me thinking outside of the box to realize this, but it is the truth. If she stayed here, we would be like magnets. We would always want to be together, and never apart. We would isolate ourselves for each other. We would never make a new friend, or experience anything other than laying on my couch or in my car and being alone.
We are toxic to each other.
And maybe I will never really know why this is, why we fell so hard for each other the way that we did. But nevertheless, there is nothing that anybody in the world could do to make me regret meeting Alexis Annalise Patterson.
But I will not spend the rest of my life chasing the feeling that I felt with her, the one that she made me feel. Because truth be told, it was not a good feeling. Instead, I will spend the rest of my days trying to be happy, and to make those around me happy.
I guess I can start this right now.
I turn my attention back to Luke, who is still on the phone, but is silent. "Luke?"
"Yeah?" He responds. I glance across the room at my car keys that are sitting in the little dish on the table next to my front door. This is the first time in months I've been able to find them so easily. But I've done some much needed reorganizing, and I am determined to keep things where they belong.
Before I know it, I am walking over to this little table and picking up the set of keys, jingling them. And I remember the way that I jingled my keys at Lex just before I took her up to the hill to ask her to marry me. That was when everything really went south, I see that now.
"I'll take you to the airport," I say to Luke, and he pauses.
"Really Cal? You'd want to?" His words are slow and unsure, but I am very sure. I am sure that this is what I need to move on. This will be my closure. I need this. She needs this.
"Yeah," I whisper, and then I inhale before it hits me too hard. "I'll pick you up in an hour."
The time passes slowly. And as much as I wish this day never had to come, I am so grateful for it.
I try to take comfort in the knowing that Lex is so close to me right now, that I could get into my car and drive and go see her in just a few short minutes. I know where she is, and what she is doing. I will no longer have that liberty. She will be far away, and this time, I won't chase her.
Maybe me coming here in the first place was a call for help, an ultimatum. It was like I was telling her that she could either follow me, or say goodbye to us.
Even though she says she didn't know I was here, I know that it's a lie.
She had to know.
"She had to know," I whisper out loud to myself. Once the sentence leaves my lips, I look around at my empty apartment. Her scent no longer lingers, nor do the dirty dishes she left in the sink. I'd left those for as long as I possibly could, but yesterday the pizza crumbs started to rot and I just couldn't take it anymore. Now every trace of her is gone from my apartment, but the memory of her will never leave my heart.
"She had to know," I repeat, and I finally realize how alone I feel in this world. She was my rock, my everything, and then she was gone. Or I was gone, because I am the one who left. I am the one who cheated on her, who broke her heart. I am the one who no longer could look at myself in the mirror everyday. I am the one who wanted to die because of how much I hated myself for what I did to her.
I am the reason for this all. I know this now.
And it is only now that I know this that I can start to move on.
With these thoughts, I walk to my front door. I turn back and look at my apartment and even though I know I will soon return to this very room, I know that it will never quite look the same to me again. The next time I see it, she will be gone, as will a chapter of my life.
I slowly take my keys from the table next to the door. I remember the way that her hands grazed this very table as she searched for the same pair of keys. I remember the first time she came to this apartment, the first time I went to her house in Seattle. I remember the first time we snuck out her window, the first time we smoked weed on her balcony. I remember it all. I won't forget it.
I will not forget how much I love her.
With this, I open my front door and I step outside. I unlock my car and get inside and jam the key inside the ignition. I take a deep breath and look back to back out of the driveway.
But after this, I will never again look back.
And then I drive down the street, towards Luke's house. And I prepare to say goodbye to Lex, for good.
...
I pull up in front of Luke's house and put my car into park. Immediately, I turn to look towards Lex's house. The afternoon sun is reflecting off of the windows, so there is no chance for me to see inside. But the curtains are opened, and the house seems well lit and lively. But this will only last for a few minutes more, as the light of that house and my life is leaving.
Luke opens the passenger door just as my breathing begins to slow. I don't look at Luke, I can't tear my eyes away from that house, the one that kept her safe when I couldn't these past few months. Maybe I owe everything to that goddamn house.
"Cal," Luke starts, and reaches to touch my shoulder, as if making sure I'm still alive. "Are you gonna be okay?" He says the words, goes through the motions, but really he is asking if I'm sure I want to do this.
Realistically, it is not a good idea for me to go to the airport with him. They deserve a goodbye on their own. But I won't be able to live with myself if the last time I see her is the time she told me she was done. That would kill me, among other things. So maybe it is selfish of me to want to go. But I think that there comes a point in time when closure and acceptance are some of the best gifts you can give yourself.
Suddenly, Alexis's door opens, and I exhale. She comes out of the house, suit case in tow. She is wearing ripped jeans and a sweatshirt, despite the warm California afternoon. As she walks to her grandmother's car, I swear we make eye contact, just for a split second. But my windows are tinted and we are parked far away from her, so maybe it was just me being clingy.
Soon, her grandmother comes out of the house, wiping her eyes a single time. The way that she is looking at Lex with such a soft look on her face tells me that she won't be coming back anytime soon.
As much as I hate myself for thinking this, I feel as if it is best if she stays away.
Lex goes back into the house one more time before they get into the car. But before they leave, I watch as she stands back and really looks at the house one more time. She stares at it for a long time, as if trying to memorize everything about it.
And then she turns, and her gaze shifts to Luke's house. Though she can't possibly see me through the tinted glass of my Jeep, I swear her eyes linger on my car for just a second longer than they should. She knows. Of course she knows.
And then she shuts her eyes for a few moments. When she opens them back up, she turns around and gets into the car without a second look.
They begin to drive, and we follow close behind. Luke keeps complaining about how bored he'll be without her, and then looks at me like I'm fragile and apologizes for saying things like that. He says he doesn't know what's gotten into him.
I don't tell him this, but I don't know either.
We get to the airport and pull over in the drop off terminal, right across from Lex's car. I watch as she opens her door, and gets out of the car. I think I'm going to throw up.
Luke sees her, and begins to undo his seatbelt. He turns and looks at me. "Are you coming?" He asks with a concerned but rushed look on his face. Something tells me he wants me to say no.
I shake my head, unable to speak. He nods, and gets out of the car quickly, to catch her.
I watch with the windows rolled up, and so I hear nothing of their interaction. I can only watch and assume what they're saying.
She hears him yell her name behind her and she turns around. Her face lights up when she sees him, and she pulls him in for a hug. But as soon as they embrace, her eyes flick back and forth as they look for me. They finally stop when they settle on my Jeep, and she squints in attempt to see through the glass at a far distance. She points to it, and says something to Luke. He looks back at me before responding. She nods somberly. My heart breaks.
She pulls him in one more time, giving him a final squeeze. And then he takes a step back and touches her shoulder, and then he walks to the side.
Her eyes settle back on my car, and she begins to walk over to it. I'm in denial as this happens, up until the very moment her beautiful face is right outside my driver's side window. She's nearly standing in the street, and for that very reason, I roll my window down.
"I knew it was you," She whispers to me. I am overly aware that there is an entire car door between us, keeping us apart.
"I couldn't have let you leave without a goodbye," I say softly, and she closes her eyes for just a moment.
In my peripheral vision, I see her grandmother get out of their car. She sees Lex with me and shouts for her that she's going to miss her flight.
Lex looks back at her and for one moment looks truly torn. Everything in me is telling me to stop her from leaving. Every single thought in my brain is screaming at me. I want to tell her to stop, I love her, don't leave, we can always be together.
And so I don't say anything. I don't say anything as she leans through the open window and gives me one last hug. The hug to end all hugs. She squeezes my shoulders so tight I can't breathe but I'm not even sure I want to breathe if it means I won't ever see her again. Still embracing me, I feel her lips near my ear as she whispers to me one final statement. "I love you, Calum. I will always love you," And then she leans in and kisses me quickly, once. But that one kiss, is everything to me.
I pull her even closer to me, but the car door jam is pinching my skin. I fumble to open the door, and I practically jump out of the car. She pulls back in surprise, but then looks up at me with the widest, saddest eyes I've ever seen. She wraps her arms around my waist and I rest my chin on the top of her head, bending down so that we are one, for one last time.
"I love you so much, Lex."
She pulls back and looks up at me, with tears streaming down her face. Her green eyes blue in the light, just like I remembered.
And then, before I even finish that thought, I she backs away from my car, and starts to run back to her grandmother. I watch as she hugs her much less tightly than she hugged me, and how she wipes her tears on her sleeve faster than they can come down in the first place.
I watch as she pulls out the handle to her two suitcases, and how she looks back at me one last time. In this short moment, I try to memorize everything about her.
But then the moment is gone and she is turning away and walking through the automatic doors and into the airport.
"And then you left," I whispered.
And just like that, everything was gone.
the end.