April 24, 2019
I want someone to notice me and somehow help me.
I don't want to ask for help though.
I don't want to admit that there are things wrong with me.
I've never wanted to be that person who shares personal things just for pity and attention.
Nothing disgusts me more than fake pity.
Maybe sharing openly and laughing it off is easier...
That way the people close to you think that things aren't okay...but you are.
Except I'm almost never okay.
I despise this about me. Why can't I just be alright? I mean I don't have to feel fine. Nothing is better than not fine.
I feel like a burden to everyone around me.
It's like I owe it to them to be happy.
But I'm doing everything wrong.
I just can't do anything right. I can't fix myself no matter what I do.
I'm so grateful for my parents and everything they've done for me. I'm grateful for the friends who have been there for me.
So why do I always come back to this?
Yes, I already know why.
I just wish it'd back off for at least a day.
Even this...I'm probably just doing it for attention.
I don't know.
I keep waiting for some random person to come save me from my "misery"...I want to be that person who can save themself instead.
Maybe I've tried too hard to do everything by myself all my life.
Maybe I don't trust anyone to let them truly help.
Maybe that's why I can't accept help when I'm offered it.
Is it pride? Is it for attention? What am I doing?
What is my problem really?
Edit-
I go back to these and think get over yourself lol. I can be so dramatic...