Sorry for late uploads. School is really kicking me in the butt right now :( It's brutal LOL
Anywho, here we go! Landslide!!!!!
Song== "I Don't Care" By Apocalyptica (ft. Adam Gontier or Three Days Grace)
Picture== Tears and Shadows.
"I try to make it through my life, in my way, there's you. I try to make it through these lies, and that's all I do. Just don't deny it, don't try to fight this, and deal with it, that's just part of it. IF YOU WERE DEAD OR STILL ALIVE, I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE! JUST GO AND LEAVE THIS ALL BEHIND, 'COZ I SWEAR! (I swear) I DON'T CARE!"
Chapter 21~ Freedom Came With Its Price
Emotions are such an atrocious form of conscious experience. Why humans experience these emotions twice as magnified above any other creature in this world is beyond me. It is said that emotion is often associated and considered reciprocally influential with mood, temperament, personality, disposition, and motivation—the motivation being positive or negative. Emotions are also classified in six distinct forms: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. It has come to my attention however, that heartbreak was not listed within these sectors of emotions. I’ve experienced them all; some more than others. Heartbreak has been present among them as well, so why has it not been of importance to the public. Are we all so ashamed in feeling such a potent emotion that we wimp away from the facts?
Emotions have also been described as discrete and consistent responses to internal or external events which have particular significance for the organism. I for one feel they are a weakness, not a ‘significance’. It all comes down to the same conclusion: all these emotions that come so mundanely to us are simply dysfunctional in every shape way or form!
‘Do you truly believe that?’ my subconscious countered, ‘Do you think that feeling nothing for the rest of your life will solve all your issues? To never fall in love when you should? To never smile for the joy of being happy—and not just because the muscles around your mouth feel the urge to contract? Are you really that weak, Elaine? Are you?’
I shook my head, both answering it and wanting to dissolve the voice from my mind. I shouldn’t even question myself; the damage was done and now here I lay sulking over a guy that I had once swore never to even care for. He had accomplished it though, I congratulate him, he broke me, he seriously cracked open my protective shell and smashed up every wall until there was nothing left but small fragments of what had been. It had been brutal too, as if trying to fight your way against a strong current all while weighing nothing more than a feather. I was exhausted. The raw edges around the internal hole in my chest throbbed every few seconds, making futile attempts to regenerate. I wasn’t as strong as I thought, and thanks to that Nahuel won the battle. Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I was too debilitated to fight against them. wandering from the corner of my eyes, each salty tear took a stroll down my rounded cheeks, leaving their wet trail behind. I was seriously crying; I was shedding tear after useless tear like the imbecile I was.
You won Nahuel…these tears are for you, in celebration of you being oh so victorious.
I continued to weep silently to myself; my body curling up into a fetal ball on my bed. My languid movements dragged up my bed covers and tangled them snuggly around my sobbing form. How does he do it? Truly, I am curious to know. All these sinister techniques he uses with each of his female victims just work so flawlessly. Is it that charming smile? Or is it that protective vibe he radiates whenever he embraces them tightly?
I sobbed harder, remembering the many times he held me close. Even though I had not come to admit it before, I couldn’t deny the feeling of security that I experienced in his arms. It felt as if the entire world could burn down and I would stand perfect safe by just remaining in his embrace. I began to quiver uncontrollably, my room growing more frigid by the second. Reaching out for a pillow, I brought it to my face and bit hard into the plush fabric, letting out a muted scream. My muscles continued to convulse with every sob; this was the consequence I had to face after hiding behind a bubble all along. The world isn’t always black and white, even if you hide from the truth long enough to see it that way. Letting out another scream, I began to breathe in deeply, imploring for my body to relax. It was Friday night, and my parents are bound to get home at any moment. I had to get it together!
There was a soft knock at the door. Great, speak of the devil…
“Not now Bryan,” I croaked out, hastily wiping away stray tears.
“Elaine, someone’s knocking!”
I rolled my eyes, a small smile playing at my lips, “yes, I know you’re knocking at my door. I’ll take you out to play later, I need time for myself right now—”
“No!” he cracked my door open ajar, poking his small head in. A look of aggravation tucked at his brows, “There is a stranger knocking at the door. It’s not Nahuel.”
I sat up on my bed, trying not to sniffle in front of him, “Then don’t open it. Mom and dad will be home soon, so no opening doors until they do.” I sounded really congested.
He cocked his head to the side, “Are you crying?”
“No,” I shook my head, rubbing at my eyes to stall while I came up with a perfect lie. “I’m just very sick. I think I got the cold or something.” For dramatic effect I let out a fake cough. Bryan took a step closer, scrutinizing me with big brown eyes.
“You’ve been sick for a while,” he commented quietly, “you want medicine to make you better?”
“Medicine sounds yucky,” I winked at him.
“Cherry flavored is very yucky!” he giggled, throwing his little body on me in an embrace. “Nahuel doesn’t like Cherry medicine either.” He muttered into my abdomen. I frowned to myself. Ever since I told him that Nahuel and I weren’t ‘friends’ anymore on Monday during dinner, he has been making up any miniscule excuse to bring him up. Whatever topic it might be, Bryan would find the way.
I sighed, “I don’t think anyone likes cherry.”
Bryan pealed himself away from me with a frown, “When is Nahuel coming?”
“I already told you he won’t be visiting again.”
“Why?” he pushed, relentless.
“Because he can’t visit.” I said sternly, folding my arms over my chest.
Bryan mimicked my movements, “I liked Nahuel. He’s my friend. And he is going to visit me. He promised.”
“Nahuel doesn’t keep his promises.”
“Yes he does!” Bryan continued, stomping his little foot, “He’s my friend and he promised! You can’t make him stop being my friend!”
“But I can make him stop visiting.” I shot back dangerously calm, my eyes narrowed down in warning that he should let the subject drop. Bryan’s lips swelled into a pout and his wide eyes flooded with tears. Whirling at his heals, he ran out the room and into his own; slamming his door shut. So I just managed to make my little brother hate me, but soon enough he’ll realize that I’m doing this for his own good. He might be young but he wasn’t stupid.
Speaking of Nahuel, I’ve just realized that I haven’t seen him all week. He might have ditched, or he’s just been avoiding any visual contact with me. Not that I’ve made the effort to see him; I haven’t even stepped foot in the library since Monday. I know it shouldn’t be my business to know where he is every second of the day, but I can’t help feel the need to know. Was he suffering as I was, or did he hold much accomplishment that the mere sight of me would make him smile with triumph? Another challenge completed and accomplished.
I shook my head subtly, why did I even bother? It wasn’t as if he ever felt anything for me, even though he acted that way. Guess people never truly change.
I heard a loud knock emanating from the living room. It must be the person Bryan had come in to tell me about. This person was quite persistent if he’s still knocking after, what, fifteen minutes?
I hopped off my bed and made my way to the door. I was in my black sweats that I usually wore to bed on cold nights such as today. Bare foot, I padded over the brown carpet indolently.
“Who is it?” I called out, my hand hesitating on the bolts that unlocked the door.
“Elaine, its Justin, please open up, my ass is freezing out here!”
My eyes widened and I hastily unbolted the door, opening it widely so he could make his way in. “Justin,” I gaped, “what the hell are you doing here? How do you know where I live?”
He chaffed his hands together and breathed on them to get warm, “I needed to talk to you.” He was obviously ignoring my second question.
“And this couldn’t wait ‘til Monday?” I placed my hands on my hips after I closed the door and locked it again.
Justin shot me a cheeky grin, “No it couldn’t wait, actually.”
With a raised brow, I swept an arm out toward the couch, inviting him to sit down. The heater in the house was on so I didn’t have to bother to go over and turn it on for him, so instead I extracted a Royal Blue Snuggie from under the center table. I offered it to him, and he took it eagerly with trembling hands.
“Th-thanks,” he stuttered through chattering teeth.
I nodded once, “OK so now that you are settled in, what is this ‘important’ thing you had to tell me about? And make it quick, my parents get home today, so I don’t want you around when they get here.”
Even though this seemed to be of some importance to Justin, he actually hesitated. Rocking forward in his seat, he seemed to muster up the courage to speak out his thoughts at last; eyes averted. “I know that you might not want to talk about this…but I feel that if you continue walking around with this burden on your shoulders—”
“Oh lord, please don’t tell me you just came here to talk about my personal problems with Nahuel.” I blurted exasperated, denying him the chance to continue. Justin’s face flushed slightly, yet he refused to let it drop. Reaching over, he placed a soothing hand over my clenched fist.
“Elaine, you have to talk to someone about this,” he reasoned, “this whole week, you’ve been so out of it, not to mention you’ve stopped eating. You don’t smile anymore, you—”
I snatched my hand away and stood in one swift motion. I narrowed my eyes as I sized him, “I’m fine, Justin. Never been better. I don’t know why you and Aldana persist in wanting me to talk about something stupid and pointless.” My voice was beginning to waver, so I paused long enough to regain my composure. No need to have a break down in front of Justin and prove his theory’s correct. Taking a deep breath, I tried again, “look, what’s done is done. We all got what we wanted right? Nahuel is leaving me alone, at last. Why aren’t you satisfied with just that?”
“Because you act like half your soul was just torn out!” he argued, throwing the Snuggie aside with aggravation. “Sure, we all wanted him to leave you alone. It was for the best. You had even said that you’d give anything for him to leave you be. And now that he has…I don’t think it was really what you wanted in the end.”
“Of course it’s what I wanted!” I scoffed, my voice raising an octave.
“Do you seriously mean that?” he pressed, standing as well so now he was the one sizing me with palpable turquoise orbs, “or are you just saying that to hide the fact that you’ve fallen in love with him.”
“Oh please, you’re being ridiculous,” I waved him away, taking a teetering step back. Justin got hold of my upper arms, crouching forward enough to have his gaze leveled with mine.
“Then prove it to me,” he urged softly, “tell me it is what you wanted. That deep in your heart, you feel nothing for him.”
Swallowing back the thick emotion bubbling up in my mouth, I stuck out my chin stubbornly, “Yes. It’s what I wanted, and I don’t feel anything whatsoever for Nahuel. Never did.” I’ve never found myself to be a good liar; in fact, everyone would always laugh at how horrible I was in that specific genre. Yet, now as those words oozed out of my mouth, their pitch was unwavering. Each syllable wisped out at him with crisp precision.
He inched back slightly. The startled look in his eyes made it clear he didn’t expect me to admit it so indifferently. “So, he means nothing to you?”
“Never did.”
Justin bobbed his head thoughtfully, eyes glazing over as his mind wandered far. The silenced dragged on for what seemed like an eternity until his snapped back into this moment and shot me an odd look. Mischief gleamed dimly behind the turquoise in his orbs, and his lips parted into a determined smile. “Good. And now, I’m going to test you to see if you’re not lying.”
I was about to protest when his mouth slanted over mine. It all happened so fast, completely unexpected, that all I was able to do was stand there, tense. I didn’t fight him off either, so he took my lack of resistance to his advantage. Sliding his hands over my shoulders and down my back, he smoothed them over the small of my back and gently pressed me against him to deepen the kiss—again I didn’t fight him. His slick tongue coaxed at my bottom lip, anxious to have access inside. Mechanically, I unhooked my jaw for him; he eagerly plunged his greedy tongue into my mouth to massage my taste buds. Justin was getting hot by now, hands roaming down south, his pelvic pressing into my own, and the kiss becoming more violent. Yet, even with the roughness of his touch, I felt nothing; emotionally it was as if my numbness has returned with each kiss he offered. For the first time I felt peace and utter silence within me, and I hated it. Justin was the tranquilizer my body urged for this entire week, but my emotions desired the scorching heat that Nahuel ignited within my heart, soul, and mind. Filled with self-loathing, I surfaced for air, breaking the kiss.
The blue in Justin’s eyes seemed to douse into a sea; a void of blue that swallowed me up but didn’t dare spit me out. I was drowning internally. Then, the pupil dilated over that sea, like a sponge it suctioned up the water, until it was nothing but a rim around a new void; a black hole. I let out a shaky breath, one I had apparently been holding that entire time. Justin cradled my face, still cautiously close to me.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t think—”
“Elaine,” he murmured, “you don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that. It was my fault though, don’t apologize.”
I didn’t answer, instead I settled with closing my eyes and concentrating on my breathing.
“When you were with Nahuel, I just couldn’t contain my jealousy,” he went on, softly, “I wanted to rip his throat out. You see, Nahuel always gets what he wants, but this time, when he seemed too fixated on you—I just didn’t want to give him that advantage this time. I wanted you, and I’ve never felt so possessive over anyone before, that this was all foreign to me. When I found the way to finally get you to drop him, I had it in my mind that I did the right thing, that you would run to me soon after—but you didn’t.”
I groaned involuntarily at his words, opening my eyes and pulling away, “Justin lets not start this—”
He let go of me, but kept our gazed locked, “No, let me say this. I want you—I like you. More than friends, and I was so blinded by that that I cheated my way to get you. That kiss I just gave you, I took it as a test to see if by any way you feel something for me, something that proves to be more than just friendship. But it wasn’t there. And now I know that you’ve only got a heart for someone and that someone is Nahuel.”
I began to shake my head, catching on to only one specific sentence in that entire speech, “What do you mean when you say you ‘cheated’ in order to have me?”
He flinched, “I…”
“You what Justin, what did you do?” I stepped farther away, making the heat between us disperse into the frigid air prowling around and waiting to break in. I was genuinely perplexed now, but more than that I was—surprisingly—angry. As if part of me knew what he was going to confess, I just needed his confirmation; I didn’t think I was ready for it yet though.
His face dimmed, eyes averted, “I sent those guys from the opposing gang after you guys last Saturday.”
I gasped, utterly shocked, “No…no you couldn’t have. You didn’t even know we were going to be there. Hell, not even I knew until the day of.”
“I followed him.” he hung his head ashamed; “I followed him to your apartment that morning. Aldana told me he was visiting you that day and I couldn’t help myself. That’s how I even know where you live, if not I wouldn’t be here now.”
Crap! He’s not lying!
“You…” the word hovered in the air with no end. My mind blank of any thoughts, I couldn’t even get an insult out. Then I remembered, “My brother was with us! He could have gotten hurt! You…you…asshole!”
He cringed at my vicious tone, “I know, but I didn’t expect any of you to get hurt. Just Nahuel. I called them up so they could get him and I told them to leave you and your brother alone.”
“Get out.” I didn’t care for his pathetic excuses, my brother could have gotten hurt and here he was blandly telling me he sent homicidal men to attack Nahuel in an Ice-cream parlor as if it were no big deal; just another walk in the park.
Justin’s eyes swiped to mine, “Please, Elaine, don’t be this way, at least let me explain my reasons.”
“I don’t want to hear it.” I snapped, “Your actions could have caused us my brother’s life as well as my own. Not to mention Nahuel’s. I get that you were jealous but sending a mafia party on your enemy isn’t the best way to go, especially when that said enemy happens to be hanging out with an infant boy who has nothing to do with this drama.”
“Elaine, I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t want to cause you any harm. Nor your family.”
Glaring, I stomped over to the door and opened it wide. I couldn’t see anything on the other side, but I did feel the brutal wind rush into the house like a violent stampede. I shivered slightly but thrust my thumb out to the darkness anyways.
“I still don’t want to hear it,” I stubbornly growled, “now get out and don’t come back until you have a valid excuse for your stupid actions. Or better yet, don't bother coming back at all.”
His handsome features pinched up misery, he reached a hand out to me, “I’m so sorry Elaine, I really—”
Suddenly the crackle of gunfire broke out. After two shots, Justin’s body collapsed to the ground. Filled with shear horror, my first instinct was to run to him, and that’s when the next shot was taken and I too fell to the ground. A sharp pain stabbed at my lower thigh and almost immediately I knew I had gotten hit. Yet my priority was to see if Justin was alive; I inched my fingers toward his inert body, smoothing them over his artery, there a steady beat thumped beneath the skin. Thank heavens, he is still alive! More fires echoed into the house in a staccato rate, followed by a horrified shriek. I ducked lower on the ground as bullets zoomed into the room, then snapped my head toward the source of the wail and sure enough, Bryan was standing a few feet away, hands clamped over his ears, and tears flowing out of his widened brown eyes.
“Bryan, get back in your room!” I commanded in a shout, my leg still pulsed in pain and I winced against it. The hand that was clutching onto the wound now was shooing away my brother urgently. It was drenched in the dark fluid that was my blood. Bryan cried harder at the sight, and more shots rang. They aimed dangerously close to him that I too was beginning to cry.
“Elaine!” he sobbed, falling to his knees as if to crawl to me. I shook my head vigorously.
“No Bryan! Leave! Go to your room and lock the door!” I bellowed to him, my quivering lips stretched into what I hoped was an assuring smile, “I’ll be fine, babe, just please! Go!”
His little body consumed in trepidation as he watched me bleed out in front of him. he didn’t listen to my desperate cries, instead he curled up in a ball behind the armrest of the couch and continued keening. I was partly relieved that he was out of the gunshot’s range but it still worried me that he was in the room, these people are merciless and could care less if he’s just a little boy; Nahuel had warned me as much before, and I’m not about to doubt his word.
Groaning against the agonizing pain in my wounded leg, I feebly made my way to safer grounds. Keeping as low on the ground as I could to dodge each lethal bullet. Bryan peaked around the edge of the couch and saw me, sobbing my name as I continued to crawl away. I put a finger to my lips, a signal for him to be silent; he was relentless, and acted upon the opposite, crying out louder. I mentally cursed myself and made my way to the couch. That’s when everything went silent, no more gunshots. Have they given up?
I paused for a second, contemplating on whether I should turn around to scope out the surroundings or not; I was still lying on my belly beside the couch, facing the opposite direction of the door. I saw Bryan pop his little head out again, sniffling involuntarily.
“Stay down Bryan,” I hissed at him, rising up on my hands to I could make proper eye contact with him. He shot me a shaken look but shrunk back into his hiding spot nonetheless. There was the soft sound of footsteps heading in my directing, making me stiffen automatically.
“Still alive, huh?” a deep, baritone pitched, voice grunted at me. There was a malicious undercurrent in those words, something that warned me my life ended here, now, in front of my little brother. There was a harsh blow to my ribs and I yelped out in pain. He had kicked me. I rolled over, wrapping my bloodied hands around myself. He hovered over me dauntingly, like a shadowed reaper coming to take me to the next life, and then there was the audible click of the gun. This was it, I was going to die.
“Wait!” another voice interjected, strolling over to stand beside the reaper.
“What’chu want?” Snapped the shadowed reaper, his gun still aiming cleanly at me, unwavering.
The following shadow struck out and slapped the gun out of my reaper’s hands, “Are you stupid or something? This bitch belongs to Nahuel. Kill her, and it starts a war.”
My attacker was visibly shaking in rage, “Corona broke up with her. That’s why we are here. I’m just sending a message never to mess with us.”
“Or, we could just take her, and get some information. She was there the day of the shooting. We all know this.” He negotiated, “A few days of torture and she’ll come clean. She might even know the location of the money.”
The reaper contemplated, his head tilting down to me. I didn’t have to see his face to know he was smiling wickedly at me. “Fine. Get this bitch to the car and scope the place up! Take valuables and lets move!” he hollered, offering me a final once over before ambling away. Almost immediately, a group of people took his place, they were all like a herd of hyenas, laughing and chuckling as they evaluated their prey. One of them even cupped one of my breasts, and I slapped him away, hard.
“Oh, feisty,” he snickered, “I like ‘em like that.”
I spat at him, but then paused when I heard Bryan let out a blood-curdling wail. My attention snapped in his direction but my distraction came with a consequence. One of the men jabbed me in the head with the butt of his gun, making the world around me blur up.
“Bryan,” I slurred out, as he continued to cry out for me. I couldn’t see him anymore, gagging me, they placed what felt like a woolen sack over my head and tied up my wrists painstakingly.
Before the darkness completely consumed me, I had one final thought; a memory if you will. It echoed through my skull, loud and clear, holding that deep blustering tone it had from when I first heard it.
‘…but when they come for you, don’t expect me to lift a single finger to save you.’
What had I done?
Copyright © 2012 Cynthia Montoya
All rights reserved
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P.P.S: Dedication to Kissmyoops3. I've had the amazing honor to edit some of her work x) YAY! She's a very talented author. Read her stories if you haven't already. They are all awesome!