Trigger warning- eating disorders
If thats not your cup of tea then feel free to skip this one
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kaycee pov
I sit down at the table. A hamburger and fries sat in front of me. I just stared at it. I didn't want to eat it but at the same time i wanted it so bad. I knew that if i took one bite i wouldn't be able to help but finish it. Thats why i needed to leave it. Food is like a drug to me, its addicting and i feel i need to get myself off of it.
I hate that i feel this way but i cant help it. Ive tried ignoring it and just being normal but it always finds its way back. It doesn't matter what i do, its made itself at home in my mind. I knew it was only a little bit of time before it started getting worse. Making my already hella screwed up eating patterns worse. I want to help make other people feel comfortable with themselves but how am i ment to do that if this is what im doing to myself.
You might be wondering what caused this and the truth is i dont really know. I guess being in the dance industry and putting myself online finally started taking its toll on me. It started with wanting to be more fit and healthy. It all started with watching what i eat and exercising more but that soon turned into dieting and over exercising. Eventually i started purging and then restricting. Its not healthy and i know this but i cant stop these thoughts. Im not in control even though i like to tell myself i am
"Kayc are you okay?" my mom asks when she realizes i haven't even touched the burger.
"Yeah" reply a little to fast "I was planning on eating at Seans after we rehearse"
I hate how easy the lying has become. Its like second nature to me now. I hate lying to my parents but theres no other way im going to get away with this.
10 minutes later
I see Sean pull into the driveway and run outside after telling my parents bye.
When we get to his house we head to his garage to start rehearsing, But not before Sean stops in the kitchen.
"Do you want a snack or anything" he asks.
"Im good I ate way to much food earlier i think im gonna be sick if i eat anymore" i reply hoping he believes me. If anyone would see past my lies it would be Sean.
He just nods but i can tell hes questioning if i was being truthful or not. We head to the garage and start rehearsing. We were practicing a choreography he came up with and wanted to teach. We decided to teach another partner class not long ago.
Sean POV
We started practicing lifts for the duet. I noticed she felt lighter, I didn't think much of it at first but that changed quickly once i realized how prominent her bones were. It scared me. It most likely was nothing, but i cant help but get concerned when it comes to her.
"Kayc are you ok you seem a lot lighter" i question hoping it doesn't come off wrong.
"I guess the exercising is paying off" Kaycee replies seeming lost in her thoughts.
"Promise me you aren't overdoing it" i say with concern.
"Pinkie promise" she says.
I didn't believe her something was up and if it didn't seem that way before then it definitely did now. She was hiding her other hand but i caught a glimpse of it. She was crossing her fingers. Somethings up. Obviously the worst thoughts started coming to my mind. She cant have an eating disorder shes to comfortable with herself. But she couldn't promise to not overdue it.
I started thinking back trying to think about the last time i saw her eat something. It was about a week ago we were having lunch with some friends since we were all in town for once. She got some pasta although she wound up only eating half of it. It was a large serving though, if she had some eating problem she wouldn't have eaten that much. Right? She did seem kinda uncomfortable while ordering and eating but she ate. We all went back to my house and started blasting music from the speakers. She still seemed a little uncomfortable but she seemed fine after going to the bathroom.
The bathroom.
Shit.
No it cant be she would never do that to herself. Shes beautiful in every single way and she knows that. Im sure shes just been working out more. I mean all the fans are asking her to drop her workout routine so maybe its just that.
Deep inside i knew, but I didn't want to believe it.
______________________________________
Kaycee
It was way earlier than i would have liked but me, Sean,Tahani, and Bailey had already agreed to go to Janelle's class this morning. Im not feeling up to dance. I feel extremely cold and light headed but thats what i get for not eating. Its the price of being skinny.
Sean was picking me up for class and decided to head out early for some reason. He would be here soon so i had to hurry and get ready. My parents were in the kitchen so i grabbed an apple on the way out and put it in my bag to throw away later.
I get into Seans car and we start driving. We sit in silence but not an awkward silence. A comfortable silence. Speaking with our eyes rather than our mouths.
Eventually Sean pulls up to a small cafe. Shit. I dont want to go in because i dont want to eat to much. People tend to think that people with eating disorders hate food but its actually quite the opposite. I dont hate food i hate what food does to me.
We walk in and i see a million different treats. I wanted to eat them so badly and it didn't help that i hadn't eaten in the last 48 hours. How am i alive? I honestly have no idea. It kinda shocks me that i haven't been hospitalized or anything like that yet. I knew it was coming soon. I mean im a 5.2 16 year old who weighs 84 pounds and is still not content with her weight.
"What do you want" Sean asks me
I tell him I'm not hungry and already ate but he wouldn't listen so now in Sitting in front of a ton of food. Sean isn't letting me go easily so i finish all of it to show him that i can. We then actually head to the studio.
Once we get there Sean goes off to talk to Janelle and i slip off to a bathroom. We're still really early even with stopping for breakfast so i dont worry and no one was near the bathroom so i wasn't worried about anyone hearing or finding out.
I wash my hands before bringing my fingers to my mouth. I pushed my fingers down my thought until i could feel the vomit coming up. I emptied my stomach of its contents and shivered feeling extremely cold and light headed.
Once i was done i heard Tahanis voice "Kaycee are you ok it sounded like you were throwing up"
I told her that i was ok and wasn't sick but i could tell she wasn't fully believing it.
Once i came out we walked to class. I felt extremely light headed and knew that if i started dancing i would likely pass out but i decided to dance anyway because i didn't want to let anyone down.
I made it through the lesson an watched everyone else dance. Then out of no where Janelle calls me up. I start dancing and im sure everyone could tell that something was up. About halfway through the dance my legs gave out on me. As I feel my vision started to go black. The last thing i saw was Sean and Janelle running towards me.
Sean POV
The second Kaycee started dancing I could tell something was up. She seemed dizzy or something. I was going to grab some water and a snack for afterward to see if it would help when she fell.
Without even thinking i bulted over to her. I started freaking out grabbing her and holding her close. I yelled for someone to call paramedics.
Once the paramedics arrived they took kaycee into the ambulance and i followed. Once we got there they told me to wait. I wanted to go with her but i didn't want to complicate anything so i stayed back and waited for her parents.
Kaycees siblings and parents arrived quite quickly but were also told to wait. It was a good 40 minutes before a nurse finally came out telling us that she was awake. We were finally allowed to see her.
We walked unto the room and there she was. Lying on the bed attached to a few wires and monitor's but still looking beautiful as ever.
The doctors started talking to her parents and i listened as well.
"We looked at what could have caused it and it appears it was most likely caused from a lack of food. She appears to have a dangerously low weight and BMI". One of the doctors said.
"We believe it could be an eating disorder" another doctor says.
Once the doctors leave Laura and Brad break down.
"Kaycee whats going on they cant be right you dont have an eating disorder" Laura whispers.
Kaycee breaks down into tears before telling us everything. Everything from the purging to the overexercising to the restricting.
By the end of it we all had tears in our eyes. She was going through all of this and no one realized, No one was there for her.
"How come we didn't realize we could have helped you sooner" i started rambling.
"Sean stop its not your fault dont blame yourself. I dont want to see any of you blaming yourselves".
We all noded before swallowing the tiny girl in a bone crushing hug.
Kaycee POV
I wake up to a bunch of nurses hovering over me. They yell to someone that im up and soon a doctor comes into my room and starts asking me questions. I didn't bother to lie knowing they would most likely find out anyway. Soon enough they're telling me my parents want to come see me. I say its ok wanting to see them.
A few minutes later my parents, siblings, and Sean walk into the room. I didn't expect Sean to be here but im happy that he is. The doctor comes back in and tell my parents about how im underweight and that kind of stuff. I didn't really pay attention to that their conversation because I already knew everything.
After a few minutes the doctors left and my parents clearly didn't know what to think of all of this.
"Kaycee whats going on they cant be right you dont have an eating disorder" Laura says quietly.
After that i couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I told them everything. I did my best not to leave a single bit out. By the end all five of them were crying.
"How come we didn't realize we could have helped you sooner" Sean started to say but u cut him off.
"Sean stop its not your fault dont blame yourself. I dont want to see any of you blaming yourselves" i said. It hurt me to see them blaming themselves it wasn't their fault.
They decided to keep me in the hospital for a few days to keep an eye on me and get started with recovery. Recovery scared me more than i would like to admit. In movies or books the person always seems to have a moment where they look at themselves in the mirror and see them as them and all of the sudden they're completely better. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't happen in the real world. I wish it did it would make recovery 10 times easier.
I'm basically being forced to eat a ton of food in a day and they keep an eye on me to make sure i dont purge. I feel like such a failure doing this. I know recovering is good for me but why doesn't it seem that way. I'm not sure if im even going to keep it up after this. Whats the point in recovery.
The hardest part was that they said i shouldn't dance in the moment. I know its not good for me but its my life. Whats the point of getting better if i cant even dance. Yes I could dance when i get better but whose to say i wont relapse. How long would it really be before i was allowed to dance again.
After being lost in my thoughts for a few hours Sean walks in and cheer up instantly. He walks over and sits down next to me.
"Hows it going" he asks.
Being the emotional wreck that i am i start crying before deciding to be honest "not very well" i say quietly.
"What's wrong" he asks while pulling me into a hug.
I was going to lie to him but i decided to just get the truth out. I told him about my fear of recovery and how i wasn't planning on actually recovering. He let me rant to him about everything until i didn't have anything else to say.
When i turned to look at him i saw tears in his eyes. I started freaking out trying to figure out what i had done.
"Are you ok Sean what did i do" I started before getting cut off.
"Kayc promise me you will try to recover"
"Why, whats the point" i whisper softly.
"Kaycee if you keep going on like this you're going to die you cant live without food. I cant lose you. None if us can you mean so much to so many people. You're strong dont just give up. We all want you to be ok. None of us want to lose you. I cant be Sean without Kaycee. You mean the world to me. I love you." He responds. I start crying more and think about what he said.
After a few minutes of being an emotional wreck i finally got myself together long enough to reply with "I love you to Shamu"
"Will you please try to recover" he asks softly.
I look towards him and say "ill try, but what if something happens what if i relapse"
"Ill be there for you no matter what" he whispers and i smile.
______________________________
A/N
This was a lot longer than my other ones so im giving myself a pat on the back for that.
I wanted to make a one shot about this topic because in a way i feel like its misunderstood. I understand that anyone with an eating disorder is going through a different story so not everyone would think this way. This was mostly based on my thoughts and YouTube videos ive watched. I feel that lots of people make untrue assumptions on the topic and ya.
Also i am in no way saying that Kaycee has an ED. I know people have been commenting about it on her posts which is ridiculous because if she doesn't have an ED it could really hurt her and if she were to it wouldn't do anything. Telling someone with an ED to just eat like a normal person wont change anything because it is not a choice it is an illness. I debated actually putting this out there due to that reason but decided that i might as well just post it. I wrote this to get my mental health issues written out but put it through someone else because i feel uncomfortable using my actual name for it. Im not saying she does or doesn't have eating problems because im not her.
Also i want to say that im not romanticizing mental illnesses. I doubt anyone got that from this but i felt like it was kinda coming off that way so i just want to say MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE NOT ROMANTIC.
Ok thats all for now, Bye
~ Avy