Denying sleep was a bad idea. And I had lost the battle this morning.
I saw him in my dreams. Yelling for me. Demanding for me. And when I finally had enough courage to alert him to my prescence, his look was one of anger and determination. But I didnt want to talk about it yet. I couldnt. I was still trying to sort through my emotions... my dreams. What they meant. What they were telling me. I mean, I'm sure I already knew but I couldnt bring myself to act upon it. So instead of letting Ethan in on my inner turmoil, I lost my nerve. I had missed him. I was regretful for treating him the way I did. And in that moment, all I could think about was kissing him. And doing so in a moment where I wasnt desperate to relieve my loneliness. A real kiss. With meaning. What would that feel like?
And I got my answer immediately. The minuscule second before our lips touched, I felt my body explode into a million little fireworks. Electricity surged through me, sending ebbing waves throughout my soul. I had hoped I never awoke.
But I did. And as I thought back on the feeling of his lips against mine, my brain put on the brakes. It was a horrible love triangle. My heart, brain and soul never on the same page at the same time. I kept getting pulled back to Nash. How could I have loved him so much then and have such strong feelings for Ethan now?
I fell back onto my pillow, exhausted. How long could I keep this up? My soul wanted Ethan. My brain wanted Nash. My heart wanted both. It was like a hurdle I couldnt jump. And it wasnt fair to Ethan. I couldnt bring him into the true mess of hotness I was. How could anyone do that to someone?
"Thats his choice," I remembered Seth stressing. Apparently, Ethan was a glutton for punishment. Who knew?
____________________________
The moon was bright in the sky, dotted with stars... like glitter had been flung against the black velvet of the night.
"We need to talk, Haven." She said.
I turned to her. To me. The Pre-Harpee Haven. God, please dont let her go full Harpee again.
She chuckled, "Dont worry, I wont."
I furrowed my brows in confusion. Could she hear me? I didnt think I said anything out loud...
"Of course I can hear you! I'm you, you're me. Dont be silly." She exclaimed.
"Oh-o-okay?"
She stared hard at me now, "We cant keep doing this, Haven. We have to reconnect."
"Huh?" Reconnect? I thought she was me and I was her. That was what she just told me...
She frowned, "Yes, but the crash..." she shook her head and looked out at the starry sky, "it did something to us--we're no longer a unit. A team. You're there and I'm here. Two seperate parts of one person, lost and unwillingly to surrender to the other." She looked back to me, "I want to come back. I know you need me too. What's stopping you?"
"I dont know!" I cried. Jesus! Why does everyone keep asking me that?
"Because everyone but you knows the answer. We're trying to help you, Hay."
Hay. Only Nash calls me Hay.
I gasped, "Nash?"
She nodded, confirming what I already knew.
I looked down at my hands now, feeling very vulnerable without Ethan's bear, "I dont know how to let go..." I wispered. She took my hands into hers, breaking me from the thoughts of that teddy bear, "When you think of letting go, what scares you most?"
I thought for a minute. What did scare me most? Forgetting him? Moving on so quickly? Metaphorically putting the nail in his coffin?
She smiled at me sympathetically, obviously knowing what my inner voice had asked, "You can never forget him. He never leaves your side. Hes here," she put her hand on my chest, right over my heart, "always." I put my hand over hers as if both of our hands on my heart could feel Nash, willing forth his energy.
"Dont ever let what anyone else thinks about you or your life dictate your happiness. You're living this life, they're not. You're the one that has to go through the trials and tribulations of this existence. Who do you want by your side through it all?"
"Ethan" I replied without hesitation. I didn't have to think about it. It was the most natural name to say. Natural and simple, I reminded myself.
She leaned away from me and smiled, "Then what are you waiting for?"
My eyes shot open and I jumped out of bed. I had a purpose now. I had a destination. I felt alive. I had to get to Ethan.
Fast.
I ran to the bathroom. Clumsily brushing my teeth, fluffing my hair, throwing on a bit of mascara, I quickly glanced at myself in the mirror. Not the greatest I've ever looked but fuck it. Ethan wouldn't care. Ripping my clothes off, I frantically searched for something to wear. Damnit, when was the last time I did laundry?
Feverishing flipping through shirts on hangers, I finally landed on a blue v-neck tee. Definitely not the most appealing of shirts but... I shrugged. It would have to do. Pants! I looked around my room wildly. Where were all my pants? Argh! I really need to do laundry as soon as I could but I didnt have the time right now. Succumbing to the fact that I had definitely hit rock bottom, I searched through random piles of dirty clothes on the floor. I picked up a pair of skinny jeans and after sniffing them to make sure they were acceptable, I ran to the foyer to throw on some shoes.
Hectically working my foot into the first shoe, there was a knock at the front door. Frustrated for the interruption, I hobbled over to it, trying to wiggle my foot into the other shoe at the same time. I swung it open only to reveal Doris. And she was fuming.
Her arms crossed over her chest, a scowl on her face her eyes narrowed at me. But before she could speak, I cut her off. "I really dont have time for this right now Aunt Doris!" I said as I finally got that second shoe to comply with my wishes. Her mouth hung open, speechless and bewildered. "Can I take a rain check?" I asked. I ran to the kitchen frantically grabbing my purse and keys.
I pushed passed her and out the door. "Haven! Where are you going?" She called after me. "To get my Ethan!" I yelled over my shoulder. I swear I saw her grin at me.
Flying out of the drive way, I sped down the residential road faster than was legal. I could apologize to my neighbors later. One right turn put me directly onto the freeway. I served in and out and around multiple vehicles. What are the odds that when I'm in a hurry it would be the most opportune time for Sunday drivers to hit the roads. "ITSNOTEVENSUNDAY!" I loudly snapped in frustration.
I cut the wheel, passing on the right, taking the shoulder a couple meters before I was legally allowed to so I could hit my exit. And then I came to an abrupt halt.
Traffic.
Well, of course there was traffic! My name is Haven! It's always my luck! I tapped on the steering wheel impatiently but we werent moving. Not even an inch. The hospital was literally RIGHT THERE! I could see it, within my reach. Three, maybe four blocks away?
"Oh, fuck it," I mumbled. I turned the wheel sharply, pulling over on the shoulder of the ramp. I shoved the gear shift into park and threw open my door. I would deal with a tow ticket later.
My feet slapped against the pavement as fast as they could possibly carry me. I jumped over the curb and on to the sidewalk, dodging and spinning around pedestrians. Their disapproving comments echoing in my ears. But I didn't care.
Ethan. Had to get to Ethan.
I sprinted down the final block and rounded the corner, blasting through the front doors of the hospital.
"Miss Russo?" Ron the doorman asked in surprise and confusion. "Hey Ronny!" I acknowledged him as I ran by to the elevators. My hand slapped the up arrow, waiting for the dings to alert me to an open and willing elevator. And I waited. And waited. Damn these elevators!
Throwing my hands up in annoyance, I abandoned the elevator and dashed to the stairwell. I took the steps two at a time to the 8th floor, realizing quite quickly that my long hospital stay had taken a toll on my stamina.
Seth had said Ethan had been transferred to another floor and I had never thought to ask which one. But Seth is on the 8th. And Seth would know where Ethan was. It was a long and agonizing climb up eight flights but when I finally made it, my legs were stiff and jello like. My lungs burned. My body was ready to give up. Adrenaline was the only thing propelling me forward.
And Ethan's face.
I slammed through the stairwell door, landing in a hallway on the 8th floor. I looked around, trying desperately to get my bearings. Where the fuck was that nurses' desk? Taking a chance, I ran to the right, dodging surprised patients. Random hallway nurses looked at me in shock and concern. I couldnt blame them though, I must appear very feral at the moment.
A quick left at the end of the hallway and there he was. Seth spun around, surprise written all over his face, "Haven?"
I bent over, trying to catch my breath, "Ethan," I exhaled. I stood up, grabbing my side, trying to quell the cramp that suddenly flared up, "Where. Is. Ethan?" I asked inbetween gulps for air.
Seth was still trying to comprehend the situation. His eyes wide in obvious confusion. But his mouth quickly contorted into a grin and he pointed his finger behind me.
I whirled around. 10 feet or so infront of me now, was Ethan. Holding a pen, hovering over a chart he had been writing in, his wide eyes on me. His mouth hung open in the same expression Seth had given me. He looked worn and thinner since the last time I saw him. Dark circles cradled his beautiful blue eyes. His hair was a little longer, it needed a trim.
But he was still as gorgeous as ever.
"Ethan," I said breathlessly.