I was concerned.
Two hours.
She had stared at the tombstone for two hours. Hardly blinking, her expression never changing. I finally pulled her up and led her to the SUV. Even after I put her in the seat, buckled the belt over her and shut the door, she didnt speak. And the whole ride back was torture for me. I would glance at her frequently, hoping each time her trance would break. She would return as the Haven I knew and loved. But hoping was no use. It didnt happen. She stared out the window until we pulled into her drive.
I thought I would have to help her into the house as well but she surprised me. Quickly unbuckling her belt, she slid out and slammed the door before I could even put the Rover in park. My nerves screamed. Something was wrong. Very wrong. And it wasnt going to be good for me.
She was at the door with her keys before I could hit the sidewalk. I sprinted to her, catching her as she tried to turn the handle. "Haven?" I asked breathlessly.
But she didnt turn around. She froze, staring at the handle. "Haven," I said again, "talk to me. What's wrong?"
I saw her inhale deeply. "I dont want to see you anymore," she said softly. I blinked, taken aback. "Wha-" Did I just hear what I thought I did? Surely not. No. No way. "I'm sorry?" I asked, thoroughly confused. My heart felt tight within my chest. My mouth was dry.
"I dont want to see you anymore... Ethan." She said louder now. My heart dropped. She had said it. I didnt imagine it. And she was serious. Dead serious. I turned her around, my hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at me. But she didnt. She wouldnt. She hung her head, staring at her feet. "You dont really mean that," I realized too late that the tone of my words sounded more like a question than a statement.
Her eyes made contact with me then. My heart broke. For the first time ever, since her eyes had first met mine, she had a cold, indifferent gaze. Directed at me. I felt the panic rise within my chest. My vision started to blur. What had I done? I didnt understand. Everything had been great today. Had I wrongly assumed the cemetery would be good for her? Cathartic? Had I pushed her too hard? When she had first realized what was happening, she appeared thankful. Touched. But now... "Please dont do this," I whined.
She looked away from me. Oh, hell no! I wasnt about to let this go. We needed to talk. I needed to know where her train of thought was going. I had to know what horrible mistake I made that caused her to look at me with such distain. I needed to know so that I could prevent it from ever happening again.
Placing a hand on each side of her face, I brought her eyes to mine, "I love you, Haven. Please. I know you feel the same! Dont. Do. This, " I begged. If that's what it would take I would forever be on my knees. I felt the tears roll down my cheek, betraying my manliness. But I didnt care. I would cry a river if it would bring her back to me. I wasnt the least bit ashamed. Whatever it took, I would do it.
Her eyes flickered. For a split second I thought maybe I had gotten through to her. But she pushed my hands away, returning to the handle, "Dont contact me." She said as she disappeared through the door, slamming it in my face.
It took me a second to break out of my shock, realizing she was done listening to me. No! No, I wouldnt let this happen. I refuse to accept this! "HAVEN!" I yelled as I banged on the door. But it was no use. I dont know how long I stood there, knocking on her door until the intensity of my knocks slowly started to loose their force. I leaned my forehead against the door. It was cold upon my heated face. Cold, just like her eyes. "Haven?" I whimpered as one last attempt to talk to her. To see her. But hope quickly dissipated as my pleas fell upon deaf ears.
She was gone.
________________________________
I dont know how long I'd been driving for. I didn't know where I was going. I didnt know what I was going to do when I got there. I just drove. I just surrendered and let my soul take me wherever it thought I needed to be.
I thought of Haven.
Haven. A name that once brought butterflies to my stomach now only sent a stabbing pain through my heart. I couldnt have predicted she would say what she did. I never saw that coming. Worst of all, how could I ever get over it without closure? She gave me no reasoning for her actions. Now I was also lost.
The sun was rising when I pulled into the drive way of the old farm house. I dont know why I never sold it after grandma went into the home. I guess I had a hard time putting a price on those memories. I refused to sell the best part of my life to Sunnyside Manor. It was ironic really. I didnt want to lose such cherished reverie but at the same time I never returned to the house after she left.
Until today.
Almost 6 years of no life was evident. The grass was too high for a regular mower to cut. The porch was sagging from rotted wood. The paint was chipped and pealing off the siding. The inside wasnt any better either. What wasnt covered with white sheets was blanketed in dust. A musty smell filled my nostrils from years of being inclosed, the locks on the windows rusted from lack of use. It took me quite a bit of strength to pull them open.
I would call Seth later and let him know where I was. Monday, I would take a leave of abscence from my residency. My heart just wasnt in it anymore. I was determined to get grandma's house back into shape. Maybe it would take my mind off Haven. But right now, I just wanted sleep. I wanted to temporarily forget. I needed an escape. At the same time, sleep was what got me into this whole mess with Haven in the first place.
If I didnt dream of her while she was in that coma, would it work for me? Obviously I couldnt induce myself into a coma, but maybe some sleeping meds would help. Searching through the cabinets, I happened upon some Tylenol PM. It was far past the expiration date so I decided to take one tablet more than the recommended dose. You could never be too careful.
_______________________________
I was standing in Haven's bedroom, cursing Tylenol for letting me down.
But this was different from my regular dreams with her. This felt more realistic. Less fantasy, as every one before it.
And I felt funny. Like static. Like I couldnt fully transmit through the wave field.
I looked at my hand, flexing my fingers turning it over from bottom to top. It was hazy, not solid.
Tylenol really fucked me up.
Then I heard her. My eyes fell on a curled up body in the bed, sobbing.
Clutching my bear.
And someone standing over her. I knew that "someone." Though I had never actually met him.
Nash's eyes made contact with mine. They were sad and desperate. They pleaded with me.
He was 6 foot maybe. A full head of wavy blonde hair, covering one eye. He was built. Broad and stocky like Seth. Thick shoulders, arms and fingers. He radiated authority and respect.
He was also hazy like me.
But as I went to open my mouth to speak with him, he put his hand up and shook his head. He brought one finger to his lips as if he was trying to shush me. But it wasnt in a dictating way...
We looked back at Haven, a shell of herself. Her face was red and puffy. Her eyes tightly closed. A strand of hair fell over them.
I walked closer, wanting to touch her. Looking to Nash for guidance, he gave me none. Just a sympathetic smile.
I crouched by her bed, our faces inches apart. "Haven?" I wanted desperately to console her. It didn't matter that she broke my heart. It didnt matter that she told me she wanted nothing more to do with me. I just couldnt stand seeing her in so much pain. If I could help I would. If I could fix it, I would.
Her eyes shot open and she instantly froze. She was looking right at me...
And yet, she wasnt.
She was unequivocally unaware of my prescence. Of Nash's prescence.
What was happening here? I couldnt fit the pieces together. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up. Nash gave me a faint but reassuring smile.
I wasnt sure what that meant.
And I definitely wasnt certain what he wanted me to do.
I know what I wanted me to do. But whatever Nash was trying to convey wasnt getting through to me.
So I just went with my initial gut instinct.
I lightly pushed the strand of hair away from her eyes.
She sat straight up, stunned. Had she felt that? Well of course she had, the hair was moved. In a different position than before. She touched it now, trying to figure out if what just happened had actually happened.
Her mouth open slightly in shock and awe. Her eyes wide. Relaxing a bit, she held her face, nuzzling it into her hand. She smiled.
I made her smile. Which in turn, made me smile. She knew I was there.
Maybe.
I dont know and I didnt care. I loved that smile. I needed more if that smile.
Suddenly my heart dropped as I slowly watched her eyes deaden. Devoid of any emotion. She removed her hand from her face, staring into nothingness. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? I wanted to know. I needed to know.
And as quickly as it had come, it had gone. Rage and anger replaced her dulled expression.
Instanly, Nash pulled me back. Falling on the floor with his arms around me I didn't have time to protest. He knew exactly what was about to happen.
Haven chucked the teddy bear across the room and screamed. So deep and so loud, from the bottom of her soul, releasing any demon that may lay dormant. Months of anger, frustration, pain and sadness hidden within the gut wrenching sound that emanated from her.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. The sound coming from her mouth was the most God awful thing I had yet to hear. Not just from her, but anyone. Anything.
I looked to Nash for clarification. What was happening? What had I done?
But he didnt acknowledge me. He just watched her. Observing without judgement. The love in his face was apparent. And I realized for the first time that him and I were a team.
We both loved the same girl. We both wanted the same thing for her--happiness.
We both had no clue how to help her.
We were never in competition with each other. It was only inside Haven's heart. He was her past. I was her future. I wasnt there to replace him.
I was there to help him.