The glanced at the clock behind the nurses desk. A little after 4pm. I sighed. Surely Seth had released her by now. Did he give her the card? I checked my phone. No new notifications. Well, duh. She wouldnt immediately call me. Would she? I wished she would.
"Sup, E?" I turned to see Seth walking towards me. "Date night tonight, dont forget!"
I ignored his reminder, "How is she?" I asked earnestly.
Seth bit his lip, "Shes fine. I mean, I guess as fine as she could be given the circumstances."
I nodded and reluctantly returned to the chart I was writing in. I expected more from him, but apparently that wasnt going to happen. I felt like a sucker asking for more details, so I decided against it.
He came forward, standing right next to me, "Hey man? You sure you want to pursue this girl? Shes kinda... well, not messed up, I guess, but shes definitely got some stuff to sort out."
"Shes messed up. You can say it. Who wouldnt be after all that?" Which was true. She wasnt insane by any means. She wasnt crazy. She was just lost and hurting. Might as well call a spade a spade.
"I didnt have a deep conversation with her or any of that shit but whatever you said in that card really got to her."
I looked at him now, raising my eyebrows. Really? My heart thumped in my chest waiting for him to continue.
He shook his head, "I'm certain you got her... if you want to be patient and take your time. She'll call you. No doubt, bro."
I smiled, "Thank you, Seth." He had said exactly what I wanted to hear. For all his faults and douchebagginess, Seth was very perceptive. Not much slid by him. He read people easily and quickly. On the flip side, he probably also knew I was so far gone with this girl there was no turning back. And if he did know that, he had accepted it and supported me, without saying as much.
He slapped me on the back, "8pm. Date night. Dont forget."
Ugh. Fine.
_______________________________
"Dont go." I heard as I walked through a dark forest trail.
It stopped me in my tracks. I didnt know where I was. I didnt know where I was going and I didnt know what I was going to do when I got there, but I did know that voice.
I spun around to see Haven behind me, looking so sad and vulnerable.
What do I say? What do I do? I stood there, uncertain. She had needed her space.
Time.
Time was what she needed and I didnt want to push her.
But there she stood, right in front of me. So close I could touch. And I definitely wanted to touch...
"Please. Dont go, Ethan."
Her voice, so small, begging me. I couldnt turn her away, it just wasnt in me.
"I swear, I'm in here," she said indicating to herself, using her hands, "Find me."
I didn't know what "in here" meant but I didnt care to ask. I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her.
I kissed her forehead.
"Dont give up on me." She whispered into my chest.
"Never," I murmured and kissed the top of her head.
"Ethan! Wake your lazy ass up! We're gonna be late!" Seth yelled at me from my door.
I groaned and chucked my pillow at him. Unfortunately, he batted it away. I realized as soon as I layed my head back down on that mattress that I hadnt really thought that through very well. Pillowless and uncomfortable, the only thing I could do was get up and move.
I was quickly regretting these evening naps.
I shuffled to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. My arms propping me up over either side of sink, I caught my reflection in the mirror. And then I instanly wished I hadnt.
I looked worn. Dark circles were more than noticeable under my eyes. I wasnt getting enough sleep. Plagued with undecipherable dreams every time I closed my eyes, I was less than rested. And something told me taking a vacation wasnt going to make the dreams stop.
What did she mean by "I'm in here?" She had motioned to herself as if there was more inside her than what was before me. God, I was so confused.
And she hadnt called me yet. I checked my cell often. Not that I expected her to run home and hit me up, but I was a little afraid she never would.
Scratch that.
I was very afraid she never would.
"Dude!" Seth's voice boomed. He threw his arms out from his sides, glaring at me.
I decided that was enough thinking for now.
_________________________
I did not want to go on this double date. I was only doing this for Seth, as his current conquest was determined to bring a friend.
Her name was Sara. She was nice. Pretty as usual pretty girls go. But she never shut up. I'm not even sure she even took a breath before opening her mouth, yet again.
She rambled on and on about everything shes ever mastered in her whole entire life. I rolled my eyes many times. Seriously. Who composes music for movies at age 24? She has paintings in museums. She is a sky diving instructor. Shes danced with the Rocketts on Broadway. She met Prince William once... he asked for her phone number. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Yeah, O-KAY.
I let my thoughts wonder to Haven. I checked my phone again, knowing full well nothing new had come across. I had made sure I had it on the most annoying ringtone possible as well as vibrate. I was determined not to miss her call.
What was she doing right now? Was she alright? It must be hard to go home to a house full of only memories. I felt for her. I knew that pain.
I had to force myself to go through grandma's belonings and box them up. They currently sat in a corner in my bedroom, unopened. There were many pictures of us she had displayed in her room at the nursing home. She even kept a scrapbook under her bed full of my awards and achievement ribbons throughout my school days. On her bed had sat the teddy bear I insisted on sleeping with long after my parents died. Even though Alzheimer's had washed her memories of me, she never moved those pictures. She never slept without that bear. Somewhere, deep inside, she still held tight to me. Atleast, that's what I told myself.
I wished she was still alive. Still able to think clearly. Still able to give me advice. I needed to vent. I needed someone to listen. Seth knew how I felt about Haven, but I couldnt be completely honest with him. I couldnt tell him I was in love. He would laugh at me. Seth wasnt built for love. I mean, he could love someone but actually being in love was definitely not his style.
The whole concept of falling in love, for me, was foreign. I loved my grandmother. I loved Seth. They both reciprocated that. But outside of those two, there had never been anyone else. Yeah, I dated here and there. Yeah, I had a couple of relationships over the years. But Haven... well, she was different. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew it would be different. And now, here I am, on this terrifying emotional rollercoaster. In love with a girl who doesnt love me back. One that was probably not capable of ever loving again.
It was just my luck.
I allowed my mind to wonder back to the memory of her in the hospital bed, claiming it was supposed to be her. She was supposed to die, not Nash. Nash had sacrificed himself for her. And I wondered how I already knew that. I remembered the dream I had about her accident. I saw him turn the wheel. I saw him know he was going to die... and he did it willingly. How did my subconscious know that before she told me? The police we didn't even guess it. And when she confirmed it for me, I was blown away. Not only by the pure coincidence of it, but I couldnt imagine a world without Haven in it. It would be pretty bleak--
"Alright, who is she?" Sara asked me, hand on her hip, startling me. Was she serious? She looked serious.
"Excuse me?" I asked, confused.
"I've been talking to you for two hours and you haven't heard a word I've said, Ethan."
Caught. Damn.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
"Hey look," she relaxed, her face no longer pinched in annoyance, "this is just something we're doing for them"--she pointed at Seth and her friend just feet ahead of us, lost in each other by the river's bridge--"I get it. And it's fine, I dont really want to be here either. But after allowing me to ramble on for this long, you could atleast tell me about the girl you're hung up on."
"But I'm not--" she put her hand up, cutting me off.
"I may be blonde, but I'm not stupid. I've been there before. I understand more than you think. Try me." She smiled.
Well... if she insisted.
So I explained about my residency, my assigned patient, my dreams--all of it. I just spilled everything and she listened intently. Never interrupting me, but actually interested in what I had to say. How I was feeling, what I was thinking. I felt a weight lift from my shoulders bringing me out of the fog I had been in for weeks now. And when I was done, she thought for a while before she spoke, carefully forming the words I did not expect to hear.
"You're soul mates."
I blinked, "What?" Oh my God, did I just pour my heart out to some New Aged chick? What was next? Tarot cards? Crystals? Ah, shit, I was definitely NOT going to play with her Ouija board--grandma had warned me about that stuff...
She nodded, "When I thought I was in love, I did a lot of Googling, ya know... like I was trying to make my relationship into something it wasnt, ya know." She rolled her eyes and shrugged, "We all want everything to have a deeper meaning, ya know?"
Ya know? Ya know? Ya know? Ugh. Get to the point already.
"Anyway, so there is this theory... well, maybe not a "theory" in the typical sense per se but, whatever. Anyway, soul mates were born of one soul, split into two. Reincarnated into numerous bodies into numerous places over numerous life times, always miles and miles apart, but always on the same plane and at the same time, generally. A little bonus, you could say, for making the journey... ya know, find your soulmate in the process of finding yourself. Am I making sense? You look lost..."
"Uh..." I chuckled, "I'm a bit lost, yeah," I said, pinching my nose with my thumb and first finger. I think my head might literally just explode...
"Okay let's back up," she said patiently, "So before you're born, your soul maps out a journey--a blue print of sorts. Everything you have been through up to this point was preplanned, by YOU, before you were born. It's meant to keep you on a route of perfecting your soul and becoming more God-like. Ultimately, that is the soul's goal, to perfect itself to the level of God's perfection."
"Got it," I mean, it's an interesting concept. I'm not sure if I believe it, but I'll go with it for now.
She nodded, "So... your soulmate is not figured into your blue print. If you happen to be lucky enough to find them, it's like a nice little bonus on your paycheck, see?"
"Okay..." I trailed off.
"What?" She sense my hesitation.
I tapped my hand on my thigh and leaned against the wall, "But how do you know? Like why did you say she was my soulmate?"
"Oh," she said with an amused smile, "Once your souls meet--and it's an instaneous recognition by the way, even if you aren't aware of it consciously--they will always find a way back to each other. Your dreams of her is her soul talking to you. For some reason it has seperated from her somehow and is wanting to reattach. Apparently, she thinks you can help her do this."
I inhaled and rubbed my face, this was just too weird for me. In med school they touched here and there on miracles and the subconscious and even the soul. But only briefly. There was no scientific evidence to confirm it so it was never a detailed discussion.
"Ethan, try it. Talk to her in your dreams and see what happens." I nodded but then she added, "I guarantee you, she is having the exact same dreams you are. Essentially your souls are equally there together so you can communicate with one another."
My heart skipped. Now that, that was definitely an interesting theory. Corny and cliche, but interesting nonetheless.