The rain hadnt let up yet and once we returned to my room, I grabbed towels for both of us. I sat down on the edge of the bed, using the towel to soak up my drenched hair. My eyes fell on the picture frame beside my bed.
Forever, Haven and Nash.
I slowly lowered the towel from my head, never taking my eyes off Nash's face. I remembered when that picture was taken.
I had just passed my state veterinary assistant exam and he took me out for celebratory dinner. We waited an hour for a table at a fancy steakhouse. Another 30 minutes before we were asked for our order and an hour before our food came--cold and not cooked as we requested. Of course, Nash's silverware wasnt clean.. specks of dried food crusted to the fork. The waitress spilled my drink on me. If you look hard enough at the picture, you can see it on my shirt. After deciding that fancy places werent for us, we drove to the bar down the street, blowing a tire in route. By the time Nash put a spare on, the bar was only open for another 45 minutes. Their jukebox was broken. They had run out of whiskey and it started to rain something fierce outside. But that was always our luck.
Although it was a disastrous night, that picture was the best thing to come of it. Regardless of the little frustrations thrown into our path that evening, we still had each other. We were grateful and in love and laughed at the irony of our whole attempted "celebration" night. We captured that moment on my phone.
I suddenly felt guilty about my time with Ethan. Nash had been my one and only. Even though we hadnt married, it was still an unspoken vow to one another. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Ethan couldn't replace him. No one could replace him. Him being gone now changed nothing. Was this considered cheating?
I liked Ethan. I couldnt lie. I experienced a range of feelings, emotionally and physically, when he was around... and even when he wasnt. Feelings I couldnt explain. Feelings that didnt make sense. But, in the end, Ethan wasnt Nash.
Ethan placed his hand on my back, sitting on the bed beside me. I didnt look at him. I couldnt. I kept my focus on Nash's face. I needed to tap into his strength. "Its my fault you know. The accident?" I whispered.
"Haven--" Ethan spoke gently. I dont know if he was attempting to convince me I hadnt caused the crash, but he didnt know the whole story and I had to get it off my chest. I had to say it aloud. I had to make it real.
Because it was.
I waved him off, "No, it was," I said calmly. "I forced us out in that ice storm--" I laughed bitterly, and then finally looked to Ethan, our eyes meeting. If this had been any other conversation, those eyes would have melted me. And although I didnt want to see the disappointment in them after I confessed my sins, something wouldnt let me stop. Something inside forced me to keep talking, "because I didn't want to cook anything for dinner. How shitty is that?" He didn't say anything but the concern for me that was in those gorgeous blue eyes didnt falter even the slightest bit, as if it didnt matter that I had killed my fiance.
And suddenly, I wanted that gaze to change. I wanted someone to blame me. I wanted someone to get angry. I wanted to feel the hate and disapproval emanating from someone. Anyone. I needed it. Desperately. Because that's how I felt about myself. That's how I saw myself. If I hadnt been lazy, if I hadnt been selfish, if I wasnt so fucking stubborn Nash would still be alive. We would be planning our wedding... our future. But Ethan didn't give me the satisfaction of hating me and it made me angry.
Okay. How about this, then? "You want to know the real fucked up part?" Tears filled my eyes, threatening to fall down my cheeks. Could I say it? Could I admit it? Could I face the pure undying love Nash had proven to me that he felt? Oh, fuck it. It had to come out sooner or later, "It was supposed to be me."
Ethan furrowed his brows, about to speak but I didn't want to hear it. I wasnt done yet. "It was my side that semi was supposed to hit. Mine. I was sliding into the headlights and at the very last second, Nash turned the wheel, sacrificing himself."
The mortified look on Ethans face appeared as if he, himself, had been hit by a truck. "I should have died that night, Ethan. IT. WAS. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. ME!" I yelled, letting the tears escape my eyes. I just didnt care anymore.
His face turned pale with this news. His eyes widened. He reached out to hug me. And as much I wanted that embrace, as much as I needed it, I did not deserve it. I pushed him away from me, rejecting his attempt to comfort me. I didnt want the sympathy. I didnt want false promises and reassurances. I just wanted to be left alone now.
I turned away from him, not wanting to see his reaction, "Please, just leave," I cried. I curled up in the bed, not letting myself look away from Nash's face. I needed to feel the pain. I needed to be sentenced for the anguish I was guilty of inflicting on everyone around me. Nash deserved justice.
It was a while before Ethan finally left my side, closing the door behind him, never speaking a single word. This time, he did actually grant my wish.
_____________________________
"What are you doing Haven?" Nash demanded.
"Nash!" I exclaimed, relieved. "I thought you were dead!" I threw my arms around his neck, happy he was still here.
He pulled my arms off him, pinning them to my side and forcing me to look at his face. The face I hadnt seen in almost three months. He was healthy and strong and just as I remembered him. But he wasnt as excited to see me as I was him.
He frowned, "What are you doing Haven?" He repeated, raising his voice. He was mad at me.
"What did I do?" I whined in confusion. I couldnt comprehend why he was being so cold towards me. Oh, wait... the fight?
"I'm so sorry, Nash. I should have made dinner for us..."
"No, Haven. I'm asking you, what are you doing to that guy?" His face was red, his voice was booming. He was annoyed with me.
"What guy?" Who was he talking about? What had I done? I dont understand what's happening...
"You know who I'm talking about."
"No, Nash, I really dont! I didnt do anything to anybody! Why are acting like this?" I cried.
"He loves you, you idiot!"
"What? Who?"
Thunder boomed outside my window, awaking me from that terrible dream. The building shook, vibrations ebbed through my bed. I must have fallen asleep after Ethan left because it was now dark out. The lights were off and the halls were silent. I got up from bed and walked to the window. I placed my hand on the cold glass, stupidly trying to touch the rain drops on the pane.
Nash.
"What are you doing to that guy?"
The only guy I could think of was Ethan. He was the only one I had been around consistently in the last 12 hours... maybe 16. 18? I dont know. What time is it anyway?
He didnt ask me what I was doing "with" that guy. He asked me what I was "doing to" that guy. What did he mean? I hadn't done anything to Ethan that I could remember.
No. Maybe that wasnt true. I did snap at him. I yelled at him to go away. I rejected his embrace. I told him to leave. That was it.
Wasnt it?
"He loves you, you idiot!"
Frustrated and angry with myself, I leaned my forehead against the window. I didn't understand what was going on.
Did I hurt Ethan more than I knew?
________________________
I didnt fall back asleep after the dream. I stayed awake, staring out the window watching the sunrise. I was torn. I thought I should apologize to Ethan. He was just being a good guy and I basically kicked him in the nuts. At the same time, I had to make it clear to him that there was nothing between us. I belonged to Nash. I always would. As strong as the pull was for me to Ethan, I couldnt have that. I wouldnt be disloyal to Nash.
I heard the door open and I took a deep breath, preparing myself to face Ethan. My stomach was in knots. I felt as if I might puke...
But it wasnt Ethan.
"Seth?" I asked, surprised.
"Morning Haven," he smiled warmly, approaching me. "So I have some good news..." I just stared at him. Where was Ethan? Why was Seth here? Why was he delivering me "good news?"
"You are free to go. I just have to finalize your discharge papers."
I blinked, taken aback, "What?"
"Yeah" he smiled, "You get to go home today."
My heart dropped. I wanted to leave. But if I left, I'd never see Ethan again. I wasnt sure how I felt about that. Wait. No. Fuck that. I had to see Ethan. I had been readying myself all night to see Ethan. Psyching myself up to face him. This was not how this was supposed to go.
"Where is Ethan, Seth?" I asked as gently and calmly as I could.
"Oh, uh, well he..." he stammered.
"Seth?"
He recomposed himself and cleared his throat. I did not overlook his sharp inhale of air before he spoke, "He was transferred to another floor for more training."
I felt as if a ton of bricks had landed on me. Transferred? Was it because of me? Because I was better? Because he had completed his task? Or did he request to be transferred because me? Whichever reason, I was certain it had to do with me.
"Haven," Seth looked at me, sympathetically and I didnt like it, "he did request I give this to you." He handed me a small, beige card envelope. I examined it, running my finger over my scribbled name on the outside, clearly Ethan's handwriting. They must teach a course on how to write sloppy and illegible in med school or something. "I'll be back with your papers," Seth said casually and left the room.
Carefully pulling away at the seal, I opened the envelope and removed the card. I took a deep breath.
Haven,
I'm sorry I wasnt there to discharge you personally. Please trust that I wanted to be.
If you ever need anything, for any reason, you can call me.
Anytime.
-Ethan
He had enclosed his phone number at the bottom. I stared at it, heart beating rapidly. Reading the note over and over again, always ending at the same spot. His number. So lost in the message, I hadnt noticed Seth return with my papers.
"He cares about you. You know that, right?" Seth said.
I looked up at him, shocked. "Why?" Why me? I was broken and lost. I wasnt worth anything. And I definitely wasnt worthy of whatever kind thoughts or feelings Ethan had for me. Especially after yesterday.
Seth smiled, "Why does there need to be a reason?"
I swallowed hard, choking back tears, "Because I dont deserve him."
Seth sat down beside me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, "That's not for you to decide, Haven. Thats his choice," he paused, causing me to look at him for clarification. He squeezed my arm and whispered, "And he chose you."