The months flew by and Castiel had gotten more and more used to Dean's room and they used it more frequently, but even though they had used the room more times than Cas could count on both his hands, he till came down ever Tuesday, at noon, to give Dean what he promised he would. Partly because he wanted to and partly because Dean would always reward him in some way, either it was flowers, dinner or a blow job for Cas. Castiel had grown on this whole domestic relationship thing they had going on and right now, he couldn't imagine being with Dean in any other way than this.
It was Tuesday, October 5th, and Castiel had just finished his duty as a submissive and Dean had just zipped up his pants when the skinny, brown haired boy walked into the office, Castiel had learned that his name was Garth, and he was a nice kid. He was carrying a stack of papers and he silently placed them on Dean's desk, avoiding eye contact with either of them. He had walked in on them once and ever since, he would walk carefully around the office at Tuesdays. The thought of it made Castiel laugh.
He had been in the middle of the blow job when he had heard a loud gasp and he had quickly pulled away to see a shocked young man, standing wide eyes in the open door, papers all around him. He had then coughed and quickly gathered his papers before slowly walking out and closing the door. Normally Cas would lock the door when he came, but sometimes he forgot.
"Damn Cas, I didn't know it was possible, but you're getting better" Dean said, holding Cas around his waist.
Castiel had noticed a strange change of behavior in Dean. He would always hold his hand when they were together, but only for a short period of time, before coughing, letting go and acting like nothing happened. He would also kiss him goodnight and hug him whenever he had the chance. Castiel remembered that Dean specifically said no acts of love, but he was for sure showering Castiel in acts of love. He didn't complain, he wasn't supposed to anyway, not that he wanted to.
"I try" was Castiel's reply and Dean laughed, pulling him in for a hug.
Castiel had wanted to say the three words for weeks now, but he never found the chance and he was afraid Dean wouldn't say them back and that would crush him, even though he knew that Dean didn't want a relationship, but maybe he had changed his mind. Whatever happened to Dean that made him avoid relationships was still a mystery to Castiel and he was dying to find out, but he never found the courage to ask, afraid that Dean would get angry. He had gotten angry once, very angry.
They were sitting on the couch, it was mid-August and they had just finished one of their acts, this time, it had been rougher than ever and Castiel had a big red mark on his back after Dean had used the whip. It didn't bother him, as long as he didn't lean back on the couch. That would burn like hell. Dean was holding Cas' hand and Castiel found it very odd, consider what Dean once had told him, so he decided to ask him a question.
"Dean?" Castiel started and Dean gave him his full attention "what do you feel for me?"
"I don't feel Cas" was his reply and Castiel had quickly snapped "then why are you holding my hand?"
Dean's eyes had widened to the point where Castiel was sure they would pop out at any time and the word "what?" had escaped Dean's lips.
"I mean it!" Cas had said "Why are you holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me, if you don't feel?"
"You're not supposed to ask questions" Dean said and let go of Cas' hand, making Castiel's heart drop in his chest, he didn't want him to let go.
"But I am" he snapped and Dean narrowed his eyebrows
"Enough!"
"No!"
Then he felt a burn on his left cheek and Dean had a shocked expression on his face. Castiel placed his hand on his cheek and stood up.
"Cas, I'm sorry." Dean stood up as well "I'm so, so sorry Castiel. I didn't mean to-"
Castiel had cut him off by lifting one hand to his face "you said you wouldn't hurt me".
"Cas..."
"Forget it! I'll be in my room" and with that Castiel had left Dean in the living room, slamming his bedroom door and lying down on the bed. Dean had slapped him.
It didn't take him long to forgive him, because Dean came into his room with flowers, that bright smile of his and his hazel green eyes. They had sex in Cas' bed that night.
Cas had called it, making love once, but then Dean had replied "I don't make love, I fuck, Cas" and that had made Castiel's blood freeze.
Now he was standing in his office, the beginning of October and he was still unsure if Dean felt for him or not.
"I don't get it though" Dean said and Castiel frowned.
"What?"
"You said you'd come down here if we didn't use my room, but we use it quite often and you're still coming down here, every Tuesday at noon, blowing my brains out".
Cas laughed and tangled his fingers together behind Dean's back.
"I like it" he shrugged a little
"Why?"
"Because" Cas started "you're my own Dean flavored popsicle and I can't get enough"
Dean laughed and leaned his head back and Cas saw the opportunity to kiss it, making Dean release a small moan before bending his head back down. Cas was staring into Dean's eyes and he felt his heartbeat raise, to the point where he was sure it was going to jump out of his chest. This was the right time to say it.
"Dean I..." Cas started and Dean tilted his head slightly. "I love you".
Dean immediately let go of Cas and walked over to the window, back turned to Cas, wiping his mouth and drew his hand though his golden brown hair. Castiel gazed at him and he knew Dean wasn't going to say it back, but he had to.
"Come on Dean. Please, don't make me look like a fool, say you love me too"
"I can't" Dean replied and turned his head slightly "I think it's time for you to leave"
"What? Why?"
Dean sighed "because I have to work"
Cas looked down as he turned around and opened the door slowly "You know where to find me" was the last thing Cas said before leaving the office and heading down to the lobby.
When he walked out of the elevator he smiled at Ellen and he saw that Jo was standing at the desk, smiling at Castiel. They had been talking a lot lately and they had even gone out for coffee and she had been in his apartment, watching movies with him and Anna.
"Hey Cas!" she yelled and waved at him, slowly running over to where he was standing "where are you going?"
"Home, I guess" Cas said a little low and it must have been very visible that something had happened, because Ellen gave him a concerned look.
"Care to join me for lunch?" Jo asked and Cas nodded. He stuck out his elbow for Jo to take and they walked to the nearest café.
Jo wasn't like the other girls in California. She didn't order salad and water, she went full on burger and beer and Cas admired that about her, he also wondered how she could eat all that, she was so fit.
"So, you and Dean, weren't a thing after all?" she asked and took a sip from her beer.
Cas shook his head. After the whole article, Dean had gone out in public and said that those photos were photo shopped, and that he was friends with Castiel, and they had been all those placed, but some of them had been taking out of proportion and others were photo shopped, he also said that they had never kissed. Cas had agreed to him going out saying this, because he couldn't handle all the people staring. It was overwhelming.
"Too bad, I think you two would have been cute" Jo said and smiled at Cas "but you know who I think would have been even cuter?"
"Who?" Castiel took a small bite from his fry as Jo leaned over the table, looking at Cas.
"You and me"
Castiel almost choked on the small piece of fry and had to cough. Tears were rolling from his eyes and Jo looked at him concerned. When Cas managed to catch his breath he looked out the window.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No" Cas looked back at Jo "I just... got shocked, that's all"
Jo nodded "So, you and I?"
"Jo I'm flattered but-"
Jo took his hand "no buts, let's go out"
"What?"
"Tonight, like a date, what do you say?" she smiled at Cas and he knew he had to say no. He couldn't, he was Dean's belonging.
"Jo, I can't" he said and pulled his hand towards him, releasing it from Jo's grip.
"Why not?"
"Because" Cas looked out the window again before letting out a sigh and looking down at the table "because the photos may have been photo shopped, but I'm still gay"
Jo's eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands, a small gasp coming from her mouth. She placed her hands back down at the table and kept her eyes glues to Cas.
"God, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, really" Cas smiled at her, but Jo didn't smile back, it looked like she was thinking. Her mouth was moving and her eyes were pointed up out into thin air. She always did that when she was thinking.
"You're always at the office, every Tuesday, at noon" she started "and you always come back out with a smile"
She stopped talking and looked back down at Cas "oh my God! You are dating" she yelled and everyone in the restaurant looked at her.
"A little louder, will you? I don't think the east coast heard you"
"Sorry" Jo said and leaned over the table. "are you?"
"Promise not to tell anyone?"
Jo nodded and Cas sighed, nodding and Jo's mouth shaped into a big smile.
"I knew it! Not really, but I knew it!"
Cas laughed and Jo did too, they finished their meal and Cas went home. He was glad Jo had asked him out for lunch, it took the fact that Dean didn't love him off his mind, but now that he was walking alone, it slowly crept back.
"You disappear every Friday and you're gone until Sunday! What is going on Cas?" Anna asked, arms crossed over her chest.
"Nothing is going on, I just, spend the weekends at Dean's place" he said, placing his computer in his bag.
"Why can't he stay a weekend here?" she asked and Cas straightened up, sighing.
"Because, he has his own apartment and he's the only one living there. It would be too crowded in here, plus, my bed doesn't fit two people." Cas said, zipping his bag close and throwing it over his shoulder, Dean was waiting outside.
"Cas, I swear-"
"What?" He gave Anna a serious look and she took a step back, letting her arms drop to her sides.
"Have fun" he waved him away with her right hand and walked into the living room. Cas felt a little bad for leaving her, Michael had just gone douchebag on her again, but he had the contract, so he couldn't stay. That was next weekend.
Inside of Dean's apartment it didn't take them long to be undressed and in bed, Dean's bed, because Dean had insisted they would have vanilla sex tonight. Dean had insisted, Dean wanted to, he didn't want to use the room. Cas was overthinking everything, he shouldn't. He enjoyed doing it outside of the room, because he was allowed to talk, moan and scream, only thing was he wasn't allowed to touch Dean, which he found very odd, but he didn't complain. It was only during the act, when they were done, he was allowed to touch Dean as much as he wanted.
Dean was in the shower and Castiel could hear him sing, he chuckled a little, sitting on the couch, writing things in his little notepad. All his questions for Dean so he wouldn't forget them when he finally got the courage to ask. Castiel turned his head towards the door when the doorball rang, he waited a few minutes for Dean to come out from the bathroom, but when he didn't, Cas figured he hadn't heard it so he got up to answer. He wondered who that could be.
When he opened the door a woman, dark hair, brown eyes, shorter than Castiel, was standing at the other side. At first she smiled, but when she saw Cas the smile faded and she raised one eyebrow.
"Who are you?" she asked and placed one hand on her hip.
"I'm Castiel" he replied "who are you?"
She rolled her eyes and looked into the apartment "where's Dean?"
"In the shower".
"Mind if I come in?" she asked and Castiel shifted uncomfortable, he wasn't sure if he was allowed to let anyone into Dean's apartment, so he said "actually I do".
She raised both her eyebrows and blinked a few times "Excuse you?"
"I don't know who you are and I don't know if Dean want's you in his apartment"
She seemed to relax her shoulders a little when Cas said his apartment, as if she thought Castiel owned this with Dean. "I'm Lisa" she said "Lisa Braeden, I'm an old friend of Dean's"
Friend? Right, Cas thought. She was probably one of his previous submissives, and she was probably here to beg for him to take her back, too late. Castiel hesitated a little, not because of who he thought she was, but because he wasn't sure if he was allowed to let anyone in. Then he heard the bathroom door open and close and Dean's soft voice ask "Cas? Baby? Where are you?" He turned the corner and his eyes grew big when he saw Cas at the door, did I do something wrong? Was Cas' first thought, and he flinched a little when Dean walked over and placed his hand on the door. Dean took notice to Cas' flinching and winked at him, making Cas relax, he hadn't done anything wrong, Dean wasn't angry. Cas had been a little unsure around Dean after that time he had slapped him, it only happened once, but he was still a little scared.
"What are you doing here?" Dean asked, voice hard and cold.
"I wanted to see you, talk to you" Lisa replied and flashed a smile to Dean.
"I have nothing to say to you" Dean didn't care for a reply, he closed the door and locked it, ignoring the repeatedly ringing of the doorbell.
"Who was that?" Cas asked as Dean walked back into the apartment.
"No one, don't bother with her"
Cas rolled his eyes and unlocked the door, Dean wasn't going to give him answers, he knew that, but maybe Lisa would. He glared at Dean and in return he got a look that said I haven't punished you properly before, but that might change tonight, which to Cas replied with his eyes try me. He opened the door and Lisa was standing there, hand raised, ready to knock.
"Please, come in" Cas said and opened the door even more, narrowing his eyes at Dean. Lisa entered the apartment and gave Cas a smile, mouthing, thank you. Cas rolled his eyes, this isn't for you, it's for me.
Dean sat down at the couch, rubbing his face and sighing. Cas walked over, sat down beside him and whispered "someone in this room is going to answer my questions, you or her, I don't really care. I need to know". Dean turned his head and gave Cas a so cold glare that Cas' blood froze on the spot, stopped streaming through his veins and he was certain that he was dying, that Dean could kill with one look. Lisa took a seat on the other side of Dean, a little further away than what Cas had done and she just looked at him.
"Dean I..." she started but Dean cut her off "I don't want to hear it. I don't know why Castiel let you in, I don't want you in my apartment".
"Dean I'm sorry"
Dean stood up, walked away from the couch and gave them both a death stare, before pointing at Cas and saying "You will regret this!" and then he left, his bedroom door closed and you could hear something being thrown against the wall of the floor, breaking into a thousand pieces. The both frowned and then looked at each other.
Cas opened his mouth "who are you?"
After many hours and even more questions later, Lisa waved goodbye to Castiel before he closed the door and his throat grew thick as he heard Dean's footsteps behind him. He knew everything about Dean now. He knew why he moved to New York, he knew who Lisa was, he had understood why Dean doesn't want to love. He is capable of loving, he just doesn't want to, and Cas understood. He was mad at Lisa, for what she had done, but a part of him was glad she had, because if she hadn't, Dean would probably still be with her and not whit him. He slowly turned around, preparing himself for whatever Dean had in mind.
"Are you happy now?" Dean yelled
Cas nodded, he was.
"You stupid son of a bitch!" he yelled even louder and punched a lamp of the table on Dean's right.
Cas looked down and shut his eyes, he had disobeyed, but he had to. Now he knew the truth, and that was good. Now he understood Dean, now he finally understood and his view on Dean hadn't changed for the bad, but for the better. If possible, he was even more in love with Dean now than ever, because he knew he was capable of loving, Cas just had to dig deep enough.
"You're so stupid Cas" Dean said, not yelling, it sounded like he was on the verge of crying, Cas looked up and met Dean's eyes. Filled with tears.
"Dean?"
He turned around and walked over to the window, looking out. "Go to your room, or, not, do whatever you want, you don't listen to me anyway"
"Dean I..." he was cut off.
"No! You never listen, so this, won't work. We're done here. You can leave tomorrow, it's late now. Go to sleep, or not, do as you please." His voice was hard again, but not cold, if anything, Cas thought he could catch a glimpse of sadness and regret in his voice.
Castiel walked up to Dean and stood behind him for a moment, looking at their reflection in the window, surrounded by the darkness of the night and all the lights from the outside world, moving, fast. He took one step closer and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and rested his head on his shoulder, he was shocked when Dean leaned his head against his own and closed his eyes.
"Don't leave" came as a whisper from Dean's lips and Castiel kissed his shoulder.
"Never".
Dean still had his eyes closed and Cas was still looking at their reflection. He felt Dean's hands move on top of his, tangling their fingers together. Castiel took a deep breath.
"I love you" he said and Dean didn't react the same way he had the first time. He was still standing there, eyes closed.
"Cas, I don't love"
"I know, It's okay"
Dean opened his eyes, gazing at their reflection, like Cas had done all this time "but I care about you, a lot"
Cas could feel his heartbeat raise and Dean leaned against Cas' body, making them stand even closer, there was no gap nor air between them now. It was only them, just how Cas wanted it. Now he could finally start fixing Dean. Put him together piece by piece, until he loved. Until he loved Cas.
The next morning Cas was awakened by a loud bang, even though they had shared a moment last night, he has still slept in his own bed, but he now understood. It was nice understanding everything for a change. He tiredly climbed out of bed and rubbed his eyes while opening the door. He saw two men, wearing a blue jumpsuit and blue caps, and they were carrying the big black bed out from the apartment. He saw Dean standing at the kitchen and he walked over to him, receiving a smile.
"Morning Cas"
Castiel raised one eyebrow and looked at the men carrying out the bed "what's going on?"
"Just replacing the bed. It was getting old" Dean took a sip from his glass, and placed it, empty, on the kitchen counter.
"Oh" Castiel had first thought that he was getting rid of that room, and no matter how much he enjoyed using it, he could never really like it because he knew what type of room it was. He opened one of the cabinets and found a glass, filled it with water from the sink and placed himself on the couch. It was Saturday and he had no idea what plans Dean had made for today.
Dean didn't have any plans. Other than their usual fuck, so they spent the whole morning on the couch talking.
"You should really get a TV" Cas said and pointed at the empty wall.
"It will only distract me" Dean replied and pulled Cas' legs closer to him. Cas had his legs over Dean's lap and his back was leaned against the armrest.
"It's nice to watch a movie every once in a while"
"We can go to the movies" Dean proposed but Cas shook his head.
"There will be a new article you know"
Dean nodded and reached out his hand to stroke Cas' cheek, making Cas giggle. Dean found it adorable when Cas giggled, so he always tried to find ways for him to do so.
"I don't get you" Cas suddenly said and Dean raised one eyebrow "what?"
"I mean, I don't want to start an argument, but why do you treat me like this if you don't want a relationship?"
Dean stroke Cas' leg from his ankle and to right above his knee and down, before he gave it one pat and let out a deep breath.
"I don't know"
"Right" Cas sighed "and I know you don't want to love, but how come I can't touch you when we're having sex?"
"Because, touching is something sensitive, sensual, intimate and at some level romantic, and it can lead to love. You know why I don't, can't love" Dean sighed and removed Cas' legs from his lap, leaning forward, pulling through his hair.
Cas sat up and placed one hand on Dean's back, stroking it, like he always did with Anna.
"I know Lisa cheated, and I know you loved her, you were engaged, but you can love. You're just afraid"
"Don't tell me what I am" Dean snapped and stood up "Don't..."
Cas looked at Dean, he was so vulnerable now that Castiel knew what he knew, he could see just how afraid Dean was off love.
"Then tell me what you are"
Dean turned around and gazed at Castiel, soft, hypnotic, hazel green eyes, that in a blink of an eye turned cold and dark, still hypnotizing. "No" he spat and walked over to Castiel, pushed him down on the couch and placed himself on top of him.
Dean bent down and started kissing Cas' neck, biting on it, undoing the button on his jeans, but he stopped, all of a sudden, and he lifted his head and gazed into Cas' eyes, soft again, Cas gazed back and Dean's lips met his, not like he had expected, not with lust and hunger, the kiss was filled with emotions, sadness, desperation, and on some level love. Dean pulled back and lifted himself off of Cas, Cas following by lifting up his upper body, supporting his weight on his elbows.
"Talk to me, please" Cas begged and Dean sighed, turning his head away. "You're doing this, this life style, so you won't have to get emotionally attached to someone" Cas continued and he could see Dean barely nodding, head still turned the other way.
Cas felt a lump in his stomach and his heart dropped, he felt so sorry for Dean and he wanted to make everything better.
"Ever since you walked into my office, I haven't been able to think about anyone but you, there's just something about you Cas" Dean started and turned around to face him "and there has been many times, so fucking many, where I have just wanted to tell you to screw the contract and just be with me, but I can't"
"Why not?" Cas moved a little closer to Dean.
"Because I need the contract to know that you are mine and only mine, and that you won't run off with someone else. The contract makes me the one in control, and I don't do this because I like the power, I do it because I need to have control, so the other person won't-" he cut himself off as Castiel grabbed his hand.
"I'm not going anywhere"
Dean's eyes widened before he looked down at the floor, "We're sticking to the contract"
"Dean..."
"No! And no more of these talks. I don't do chick flick moments" Dean shook loose from Cas grip and stood up, walking over to the kitchen. "unfortunately we can't do anything tonight, there's no bed in there" he pointed towards the room "and I don't feel like going vanilla with you tonight"
Cas nodded and looked the other way. He heard the sound of the fridge open and then close, followed by the fizzling sound from the frying pan, "Burger?" Dean asked and Cas nodded.
It hadn't gone the way Cas had wanted it, but at least he knew more now than what he did a couple of minutes ago. Dean was afraid, he needed control and Cas figured if he could prove to Dean that he wouldn't leave him for someone else, then maybe Dean could one day love him too.
Cas had borrowed a scarf from Dean to cover up his neck. They had ended up having sex last night and it had gotten rough, too rough, and Cas now had a few purple marks, proving that Dean held to tight around his neck. It was his own fault, Cas should have said the safe word, he didn't, and Dean had been furious afterwards.
He was on his way up to the apartment, getting ready to support Anna. He knew this was going to happen, he knew Michael would never change, he was a douche and he was always going to be a douche. A cheating douche, and Cas who almost started to like him.
He opened the apartment door and Anna practically ran him down, hugging him, crying into his shoulder. The smell in the apartment was strong and thick, the type of smell that comes when you don't clean or open any windows for days. He looked over Anna and into the living room. Tissues, ice-cream boxes, empty beer bottles everywhere and a half eaten pizza, that looked like she ordered it when he left on Friday. He held Anna on an arm's length and looked at her.
"Have you been locked up here all weekend?" he asked and Anna nodded, sniffing, drying a tear, Cas pulled her back in and held her tight. "Why didn't you call?"
Anna sniffed and took a step back "You were with Dean and I didn't want to ruin your weekend".
"You wouldn't have ruined my weekend. I can see Dean any time, and I would have come back here right away" he said and stroke Anna's hair. He knew he was lying. He wouldn't, he couldn't. Those arranged weekends he belonged to Dean and if Dean wouldn't let him go, then he couldn't. He might be disobedient at times and go against Dean at some points, but he would always stick to the ground rules. Dean was the dominant and Cas was the submissive. Anna lifted her head and smiled at Castiel before she went back into the living room.
"Cas?" Castiel turned his head towards Anna "It's like a hundred degrees in here, why are you wearing a scarf?"
Castiel touched the scarf, and swallowed hard "I'm getting sick"
"Bullshit" Anna snapped, then she covered her mouth and gasped "did he hurt you?"
"No" Cas said, obviously nervous.
"You're lying. Remove the scarf!"
Cas shook his head, "Cas!"
Cas let out a heavy sigh, there was no way he was going to be able to keep this from Anna for much longer. He would eventually have to remove the scarf and she would see. He slowly started pulling the scarf off and when he revealed the purple marks Anna gasped and held one hand on her chest.
"Jesus! Cas. What the hell?!"
"Anna it's not-"
"Not what? What it looks like? To me it looks pretty clear what this is!" She sounded really disappointed and angry, like a parent that caught their kid in doing something they shouldn't have done. "Care to explain?"
"I can't" Cas said and looked down in his lap.
"If you don't explain this to me right now, I am dragging you down to the police station" He voice was hard and determined, there was no way around it. He had to tell her.
"Okay, but you can't tell anyone, promise?"
Anna was silent for a moment, just staring at Cas, eyebrows furrowed and her mouth was a thin line. She sighed before she nodded "I promise".
"Good." Cas started "Okay, so this is what happened".