The Doctor's grip on the edge of the console tightened as he leaned upon it and hung his head in deep contemplation. His grasp on reality had been progressively slipping the longer he endured the unyielding nature of his eternal illness. Every second that passed continued to drain him of rational thought. Though he wouldn't consider himself a stranger when it came to difficult decisions, they had become significantly harder to make the less control he had over his own free will. Every choice, whether rash or not, had almost always been meticulously filtered through a series of precise calculations or matched with his past experiences. But now, as he struggled internally over the loss of his morality, he found himself unable to determine if there was any part of him remaining to help guide him towards the path of righteousness.
He lifted his head and glanced towards the sleeping form of his companion on the upper platform. She looked so peaceful in slumber, he hadn't the hearts to disturb her, nor move her to her own room. Until now, she had become increasingly restless - continuing to wander about the ship as if searching for answers within the walls that kept her safely confined. Whether it be due to growing weary of her time spent solely on the TARDIS or simply a condition of her pregnancy, this was the first time he had seen her truly rested since bringing her on board. Having spent the last few weeks under his care, he was relieved to see that her health had finally improved. The colour of her skin had a livelier shade to it than it had before. The once skeletal features of her face had filled to its naturally intended beauty. He found himself just as captivated by the return of her maternal glow as he was by her body's ability to transform itself so magnificently.
Though her presence brought a sense of balance and serenity into his life again, there was something even greater weighing on his mind. Clara's happiness meant everything to him. Yet, as long as danger was still lurking around every corner on the hunt to find them, they could never leave the safety of these walls. How much time could be spared before she'd resent him for keeping her trapped like a caged animal? How much longer before she'd yearn to feel the freedom of the sun upon her face once more? There was nothing in the universe he wouldn't give her, no request unreasonable enough to deny her. When it came to her happiness and safety, there was nothing he wouldn't consider. Nothing too valuable to be bartered with, even if it meant his own life. He sighed and closed his eyes as the memory of their most recent conversation filtered into his mind.
In the middle of a vibrant field of green sat the recognisable shape of the TARDIS, resting herself beneath the crown of an ancient weeping willow. Leaned against her side sat the familiar presence of her silver-haired Time Lord. His arms were gently wrapped around the thin frame of his beloved companion as he supported her head on his shoulder. Their fingers entwined, the old man absent-mindedly stroked his thumb over the smooth surface of her hand as they looked towards nature's most glorious scenery. A light breeze rustled the blades of grass all around them. The silhouette of trees in the distance swayed in motion with each gentle brush of wind as if partnered to the rhythm of an amorous waltz. One could not have asked for a clearer night sky as millions of brightly coloured stars shone upon the admiring couple from the northernmost hemisphere.
"Cassiopeia," Clara stated confidently.
"Good. And there?" he spoke softly, raising his free hand to point towards the next cluster of visible stars.
"And here I thought you had a challenge for me," she teased. "Andromeda, one of the largest constellations. Her name once meant the 'ruler of man'." A coy smile escaped her, tilting her head to meet his distracted gaze.
"Not bad, for a literature teacher. You're improving."
"Was that... a compliment?" She raised her brow.
"An observation. Let's not get carried away."
"Hmm, I think you've been hanging around humans too long. We're starting to rub off on you."
"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed. "If anything, it's me they should be learning from. Humans, so hilariously oblivious and predictable. They spend far too much time staring at the gadgets in their hands than they do at the stars and world around them. It's no wonder they walk straight into traffic-" He stopped himself, immediately realising his error as he observed the smile fade from her face. He closed his eyes and sighed. 'Doctor, you really are an idiot!' He cursed himself thoroughly. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay. It wasn't your fault. There's nothing to be sorry about," she assured him, trying to shake the thought of Danny's recently departed soul from her mind. The pain of his absence had been diminishing as her days living with the Doctor continued to wear on. Yet it would never take away the guilt she still held in her heart for deceiving the man she once loved. A man who had seen passed her faults. A man who loved her for who she was, even after the pain she put him through. A man who cared for her so deeply, he still loved her even as she carried a child that was not of his blood. She couldn't help but hate herself, even just a little, as she dwelt upon the thought of how much she had hurt him. And now he was gone. No matter the remorse she bore within her, he would never know how truly sorry she was.
She attempted to clear her mind of the memories of the past when suddenly, she felt the strong sensation of movement as their child stirred and shifted position within her. Clara brought a hand to her middle and held her breath as a brief contraction caused a light pressure to form low in her abdomen. Her other hand squeezed his firmly as her muscles instinctively tightened around their baby. The contractions had been appearing more often over the past few weeks, each one lasting slightly longer than before. A progressively unpleasant reminder of things soon to come.
The Doctor, concerned by his companion's sudden discomfort, pressed a delicate hand to her belly and protectively massaged a series of small circles over their restless daughter to calm her. He felt every push of her movements against his palm as she manoeuvred herself to a better position inside her mother. His hearts lifted with elation as her warmth spread throughout his body once more. He felt every muscle in Clara's body tense as her grip on him tightened with intensity. Sliding his way up and over her middle, he laid his hand on her sternum and gently pulled her closer to rest against him. He savoured every beat of her heart as they tapped in rhythm against his fingers. Helping to ease her mind from the conditions of her pregnancy, he tenderly kissed her temple and placed his cheek upon her head as they waited for her contraction to subside. Though he cherished Clara for providing life to their growing child more deeply than his own existence, he couldn't help but think to himself how surreal their situation had become. Within his arms, he cradled everything that mattered to him the most. It seemed far too good to be true. And in his experience, that was a most unfortunate possibility.
After a moment, she exhaled her held breath. The tension in her muscles relaxed under his grasp, finally releasing her grip on his hand. "Are you alright?" he spoke softly into her ear, returning his hands to rest upon the swell of her abdomen.
"I think so." She nodded as her mind and body melted into his embrace. "They've been getting stronger. I seriously don't understand how women make it through this part." She peered down the length of her to where he cradled their child and placed her hands over his. "Not much longer now," she informed him, unable to help the underlying hint of dread in her words.
"Yes. And to think, you've only eight months more to go."
"Hang on, what?!" Her eyes went wide with shock. She quickly turned her head towards him, only to discover his unsubtle amusement over her reaction being painted by his ridiculously wide grin. "Not even a little bit funny," she noted, frowning at his humour.
Returning their attention towards the brightly lit sky, their bodies unified with each expansion of her diaphragm being matched to his steady breath. His hands drifted lazily along the surface of her middle, taking in every bit of her while he still could as he thought about their vastly approaching forthcoming. "Are you frightened?" he whispered.
"Terrified."
"That's good! There's nothing wrong with scared. It's a superpower, you know." He smiled, attempting to ease her troubled thoughts.
"So you've mentioned. Doesn't make it any less real."
"Yes, well, when it comes to danger spreading fear into the hearts of its victims, there's one thing hardly anyone takes into account."
"Oh? What's that then?" She raised a curious brow.
"Me." He grinned towards her.
She laughed for the first time all evening. "Ah, yes. I should have known. I don't suppose you're offering to have this baby for me, are you?"
"Wouldn't that be something?" His smile widened as he looked upon the beauty of her beaming face.
Clara looked towards the open field once more, taking in every bit as she could with a deep inhale of fresh air. "Thank you for bringing me here. I needed this."
"So did I," he admitted, hugging her tightly. The moment between them became serene as they continued to enjoy the company of one another. Being with her had given him a sense of purpose again. As long as he had her, there was no need to question what he should be fighting for. Everything he loved most about her, from the softest touch of her skin to the life she carried inside of her, it brought more meaning into his existence than anything he had ever encountered. Having spent so many years of his life saving others, he finally realised all the dangers of the universe could never love him back the way Clara did. 'His Clara,' he thought, looking to her with unmatched admiration. Her eyes were glazed over as if deep in thought. She appeared content in the comfort of his arms, yet absorbed with whatever concerning notion had taken her attention. "You're doing it again."
"Hmm? Doing what?" she responded absent-mindedly.
"The sad smile. You're smiling, but you're sad. It's really confusing. It's like you're malfunctioning."
"Sorry," she spoke softly, returning to the moment between them.
"What is it?" he asked, genuinely concerned for her state of mind.
"Nothing. I suppose I'm just tired is all," she replied, running her fingers over the top of his hand.
"You're a terrible liar. It doesn't suit you."
Clara let out a sigh and tried to find the words he would understand. "It's just that, I dunno. Is this at all what you'd have imagined it to be? Us I mean. Do you ever feel... trapped?"
"Clara, we're stuck inside of a paradox loop for all of eternity. You'll have to be more specific."
"No, not that. I mean, if I wasn't carrying your child, if we had never gone to Prima Nova, would we still be... whatever this is?" She gestured to them both. "Would you have ever told me how you really felt?"
Taking the time to consider his answer, he leaned his head against the wall of the TARDIS and exhaled a deep breath. It wasn't often he felt the need to revel in his answers before speaking them. But she had a certain way about her that made him feel committed to being as collective as possible when it came to the importance of being truthful. "In my own way, I think I would have, yes. Perhaps not in those exact words. But I know eventually, we would have reached a point in our friendship where I could no longer bear to keep how I felt hidden inside of me." His attention returned to her middle, spreading his fingers protectively over their child. "She may have been the push I needed to let go of everything I'd been holding on to, but I've never once felt confined by her existence." Though genuine in his answer, she remained unusually quiet as if disconnected from him. Concerned by her lack of response, he brought his hand to her chin and gently tilted her head to meet his sombre expression. "Do you feel trapped here with me, Clara?"
Regaining her mind, she peered deeply into his eyes and rested her hand on his cheek with care. "You mean everything to me, Doctor. Nothing you could ever do would make me feel that way about you. I feel trapped in my own body. I feel trapped by who we are to each other being the reason we were forced into a situation we may never find a way out of. I've come to terms with the very real possibility that I will give birth on the TARDIS as a fugitive of my fate instead of as a free woman. So yes, I'm feeling trapped. But not by you, never by you. Do we understand each other?"
He smiled sincerely at her question, allowing his fingers to roam freely over the softness of her cheek. "Yes, I believe we do," he responded, his eyes lost in her gaze. He felt warm and comforted by her words as he lowered his head and tenderly pressed his lips to hers. She folded beneath his romantic gesture, opening her mind and soul to him as the taste of her lingered on his lips. Looking up from her, he could see the sparkling reflection of the distant night sky within her eyes. It was truly a sight worth remembering.
"What about you? Are you scared?" she asked.
"I have you. What could I possibly have to be scared of?"
Hesitating for only a moment, she responded with, "Are you scared of being a father again?"
Carefully considering her words, he thought to himself, 'My Clara, never ceasing to amaze me in so many ways'. Though torn by her question, there wasn't a day gone by he hadn't wondered the same thing. He spent so long believing the universe would never allow him such joy in his life, he convinced himself he couldn't be anything more than what he had become. "I've lived a long time," he started, returning his gaze to the stars. "After so many years being absent from the place I once called home, away from the memory of those who once held my hearts in their hands, I can still remember their faces. I'd tuck them in their beds and watch over them as they slept, always terrified I wouldn't have what it took to protect them from all the dangers of the universe. I remember the darkness that consumed me after I lost them. I remember the vengeance I swore to unleash upon those who took them from me. Yet, beneath all that hatred and rage, they are no less a part of me than the title I swear by. They are the reason I continue to prevail against those who would do me harm. As long as they are with me, I will never give up fighting to save those who would suffer the same fate. They've shown me what matters in this life. That our existence isn't about our individual quest for virtue or self-enlightenment. Life is about our experiences and those we wish to share them with. It's about family. You are my family, Clara." He paused as his eyes fell to her middle and pressed his hand over their child. "This is my family. I will do whatever it takes to protect it."
His confession captivated her soul. The thought of what the future could hold for them consumed her as his words bled through to her heart. There was nothing she wouldn't give to share even a piece of what they could be together. His eyes conveyed such love and compassion, she found it difficult to breathe. Her gaze fell to where his hand met her belly and rested her hand over his. "I want her, Doctor. I want to hold her and watch her grow. I want to be by her side every step of the way as she learns about the world around her. I want to be there for every scraped knee, every disappointment, every frown. Which, if she takes after you, will be quite a lot," she teased before returning to her genuine thought. "I want to be a mother to her."
"I know," he replied as his guilt of all the damage he had caused surfaced. He had already taken so much from her. What could he possibly offer that would redeem himself of his actions? He would rather spend eternity being tortured by his enemies than deny her whatever she desired most. There was only one thing left for him to do, one aspect of himself left untapped he could trade for if it meant she'd be safe. The gears in his head spun as a plan developed inside of it.
Returning himself to reality, he took a deep breath and sighed. Drawing his focus towards the control panel, he cleared his throat and adjusted his shirt collar before typing a message into its interface. He hesitated for only a moment to regain his confidence and pressed the send button. The view-screen came alive with vibrancy as the encrypted message blinked upon the screen. He pushed his guilt and shame away, knowing he was gambling with his fate. There would be no turning back now. Whatever the future had in store for him, he had wiped his hands clean of it. Raising his gaze to the screen, he felt defeated against its power over him as he observed the words displayed in the centre.
We need to talk.