"Kill me now," Severus said dramatically with a groan as he resisted the urge to bang his head into the closest hard surface.
"Whatever for?" Dumbledore asked in a combination of amusement and bemusement as he watched the trio of wizards approach the staff table.
"I am not allowing any of them to use potions in the upcoming..." Severus choked on the word reward, failing to actually get it out. Voldemort simply sighed heavily, conjuring another chair and placing it firmly between himself and his irascible human mate so that Harry could have a place to sit as the elves magicked a new place setting into existence.
"Mr. Myrridan? What are you doing? As a student Mr. Potter is required to eat with the rest of the student body," Dumbledore said with a fierce frown of disapproval.
"That was my decision," Severus said sourly, doing his best to stay in character around the uninformed staff members. "I had noticed that he wasn't eating enough and after a brief check realized that he shows signs of starvation for some strange reason. The nutrient potions I assigned are either not doing enough or he isn't taking them. To solve this and avoid whatever idiot keeps slipping him potions that had him screaming for over twelve hours yesterday he will be eating with us for the foreseeable future."
"So that's why," Minerva said softly white with a combination of fury and disgust at whoever had been dosing Harry with unknown potions.
"Yes, that is why none of us were seen yesterday," Severus snarked, returning McGonagall and the rest of the staff to the moment.
"Oh dear, then by all means join us Mr. Potter and don't forget to see Madam Pomfrey after breakfast for a check up," Dumbledore said worriedly, after all he couldn't have his precious weapon destroyed by a simple miscalculation. "Severus, while I would dearly like to hear more on the matter I'm afraid that I am needed at the Ministry shortly. Would you mind terribly writing up the situation, symptoms, and the solution you came up with? I promise to read it and get back to you on the matter when I have the chance."
"Perhaps," Severus said slyly, eyes narrowed in thought. "Of course you will need someone to assist you at the ministry today since you've not solved whatever the problem maybe, might I suggest you take the delightful Professor Umbridge? I will take her classes since no one is going to pay attention today and the students badly need practice time for the spells learned in her class, if she's even taught them anything. In fact why don't the two of you take the next few days and the weekend to sort out whatever has been giving you problems? I promise not to kill, torture, maim or otherwise harm the brats while you're gone."
"But of course, what a delightful suggestion," Dumbledore said cheerily, his eyes murderous since they both knew that there wasn't a way around taking her after the suggestion was made in front of her. The old goat really wanted to kill his spy just now and Severus knew it. Hearing the exchange the rest of the staff decided to dawdle over their own meals and, after Hermione came up to the table to ask something about the charms assignment, the students slowly got the hint. As a result Dumbledore and Umbridge were the first to finish and leave the great hall as the students sat in breathless anticipation.
"Aaaaand they're gone!" Gryffindor crowed from the portrait of the founders as the two passed the edge of the wards. "Right! Everyone put away your things and get into clothing that you don't mind ruining. I'm going to lock down the school while we have our fun."
"Don't you think that's a bit overkill?" Salazar drawled, amusement clear in his tone and mischief dancing in his eyes.
"Considering that the battle royal will add even more power to the castle now that we have a decent amount of magic priming the storage areas... not really," Gryffindor said happily with mock seriousness before shifting to the battle hardened warrior who had defended the school by spell and blade more than once. "I am not letting them back in these walls and we finally have enough magic to enforce the rules that the ministry is breaking on our own lands. The residents of the forest remember and they will stand with us. I will reveal us once more to the muggles if that is what it takes to keep our students safe!"
"And this is why you were never given full control of the wards, idiot!" Salazar said smacking the back of his friend's head hard enough to break him out of his righteous anger. "Do you honestly think that we will get away unscathed? No! I have listened and I remember what terrible weapons were used in the last major muggle war. If they see us as a threat we will die to the last man, woman, and child. We are trying to survive and save Lady Magic not kill her faster!"
"Salazar is right, much as it pains me to admit it," Helga said sadly. "It is Dumbledore's insistence in trusting them with our secrets that makes him and them dangerous. He keeps claiming that it is all for the greater good but I ask, the greater good of whom? His actions would to this day would have had all four of us trying to kill him had we known him in our original time and both of you would have called for an honor duel. Our duty is to the children, not to make stands of defiance that put us at even more risk. There is a time and a place for that and now is the time for our dear Salazar to lead."
"I know you are right but it gals me to let that man walk our lands freely muchless allowing him near the apprentices," Gryffindor said morosely.
"Cheer up old friend you get to watch a grand old battle between the staff and students of our fine school, though I expect that our three young heirs will team up against everyone else. I suppose that we can allow the students to form into teams after the first round but if there is a teacher in the group they can only have the one. Our three boys are an exception partly because they can not have anyone else in their group and whoever manages to hit them gets extra points," Salazar said cheerfully, ignoring the betrayed glares that were sent his way by Severus and Voldemort.
"And why are we to be given such a distinction?" Severus drawled dangerously.
"The three of you need to learn to move together as one, attacking and defending in perfect sync. What better way than while in the middle of a friendly battle?" Rowena asked innocently with a smirk completely destroying the illusion. "Besides of the three of you only Harry is not a master duelist. It will give everyone a decent chance."
"Filius is a master duelist," Severus pointed out logically.
"Filius will be floating in mid air assisting us and the ghosts as a referee," Rowena said dryly. "I don't feel like having to put our charms master back together. Besides this is Pomfrey's chance to earn back our trust, she will never be the one to treat the three of you regularly but if she performs well enough I wont insist on her being dismissed for her failure. She will be running around the battle field returning everyone to normal as she comes across them, prioritizing the most severe to the least and is a fair target and only allowed to cast two or three of the most basic defensive spells in response to an attack."
"You're turning her into a battle field medic?" Voldemort asked choking back a laugh.
"Why ever not? She's on thin ice as it is and this is just as good of an evaluation as any," Rowena said innocently.
"Evil, evil woman," Helga snickered, eyes dancing with so much mischief that it made Voldemort think this was originally her idea.
"See? They're scary! This is one of the reasons why we were trapped together over the holidays," Harry said to the rest of the student body pointing accusingly at the portrait of the founders.
"And you're my heir, just as Tom is Sal's heir, and if your Severus would simply stay still for long enough he would likely be blood adopted as Rowena's heir," Godric drawled. "Isn't life and family wonderful?"
Harry just face-palmed and wondered if he could actually succeed in burning one of the founder's portraits or if the castle would stop him. The laughter that the face-palm earned him was more sympathetic than he had long since come to expect from his schoolmates. On the other hand the comforting hand he could feel on each of his thighs under the table made him very happy that everything had happened and that he had the support of both Severus and Voldemort.
"Oh stop teasing him," Helga scolded. "If he doesn't want to share his heritage or current living situation with the rest of the school then he should be allowed to keep his own counsel. Now, if we are going to allow you to lock down the school you can only do it until Monday as today is Wednesday that is five days. By the this time Monday morning I expect the lock down to be lifted and everyone to be in perfect health."
"Alright, Helga, you've made your point. The rules of the battle royal need to be addressed before we let you all loose at each other," Rowena announced, mischief dancing in her eyes and causing a chill to run down the spines of every staff member. "There is to be no full or dangerous human transfiguration, no unforgivables, no potions, no memory charms, no fire spells, severing charms, or compulsions spells of any type. We want a clean safe battle royal. Prank spells are encouraged and will gain extra points for your team. You have until lunch to do any extra research or practice before everyone is to assemble in the great hall for the battle."
"If you do not wish to participate please see us before lunch, and before you ask all of the staff are required to participate. Misters Potter, Myrridan, and Professor Snape are to be on a third team against everyone else," Helga Hufflepuff announced. "The first round is Staff versus Students while the second allows you to break up into smaller teams of any combination with a limit of one adult per group. Mr. Potter's team is, again, fixed and will remain that way through the entire event though that does not prevent you from forming an alliance with that team as you can with others. Various battles, contests, and activities will occur during the time between now and Monday."
"You can think of this as a massive spell practical. The only time you are not allowed to ask a teacher for help is during the Staff versus Students battle when you must ask either Professor Flitwick or Madam Pomfrey. When you ask a teacher for help they are required to stop and help you to the best of their abilities with healing and spell reversal taking precedence over most other actions. This is to help level the playing field and keep everything on a fun note. Teachers, you will have a safe zone but the safe zone has a time limit to keep you from hiding in that room," Gryffindor explained with a smirk.
"No spell casting on or near the steps or balconies as a safety precaution. Doing so is an automatic disqualification and will require you to help Mister Filch for the rest of the day. Mister Filch is of course exempt from participating in the battles and is charged with showing those who break the rules the error of their ways. Depending on the severity of the infraction you may find yourself either sitting out the rest of the event or earning up to two months of detentions," Salazar told them, sending pointed looks towards his own house. "Any attempt to kill or seriously harm someone will result in an automatic three months of detention, possible expulsion, and pressing of charges against the idiot who decided to turn a school exercise into a place of bloodshed. You want to advance so blood feud or other disagreement you have with someone? Fine, just do it off school grounds during your holidays when we aren't being held responsible for you."
"What an awful thing to say," One of the female staff muttered uneasily.
"Madam, it is a sad fact that when our bodies were still alive and we were still free to move about as we wished danger lurked around every bend in the road," Salazar said sadly. "Had someone not interfered between the four of us we might have eventually been safer and more able to teach those who wished to learn. I had valid concerns regarding telling the muggle families and lords of our apprentices what they would be doing and where they would live. More than once we found apprentices torn apart or burned by their villages and occasionally by their own families. It was not hard for some of them to raise virtual armies and try to take the castle by force, killing anyone they could get their hands on. We created a safe haven where anyone could learn and not be attacked simply because they were born with a gift. A gift they often had no knowledge or control over until we began to teach them."
"Has it never occurred to you why the castle might need so many and varied defenses? Why we might need strong wards, a stone statue army, an alliance with the creatures in the forest, or a Basilisk? No? Within the first five years we fought off three separate armies and lost nearly fifty apprentices," Godric informed them tightly. "Within the first twenty years Salazar had to call his pet Basilisk to the field twice for the castle and her defenses to hold against our attackers. None of us sought out conflict but we did defend ourselves, our home, and our students."
The silence that enveloped the hall was deafening. Not a single student had ever considered these things about their beloved school and these painful revelations shocked them to their cores.
"Don't you mean when you were alive? Not when your bodies were alive?" Someone shouted at the portrait breaking the pain filled tableau.
"No," Godric said with a joyful beaming smile. "You see we cast a spell on Hogwarts and it had some surprising side effects. Our bodies might be dead but we aren't. We aren't ghosts but instead a part of the castle herself. Which is how the castle can actually blood adopt Professor Snape on our behalf, if the man will simply stay still long enough for her to do so."
"What makes you think I want to be blood adopted?" Severus asked with a half hearted sneer.
"We were quite serious about what we said over the holidays dear," Helga said with an indulgent smile. Snape muttered something under his breath but didn't say anything else on the matter, leaving most of the school wondering what they were talking about.
"Now, you have until lunch to prepare for the first mock battle! Shoo!" Rowena said sharply, causing everyone to scatter to research or put away their things and change clothes.