15: Face Your Fears
COSINE
By nature, emotion tends to affect humans. Whether you want to eat something, or you're choosing the shirt that you want to wear, emotions can affect all these things. It's so powerful, that it can also destroy you.
My love for science was an odd thing for everyone, and only the ones who also love it can only relate to my talks. But that is the 10% population, out of the thousand students in Asplund.
I wasn't even raised like this. My father wants me to be a lawyer, but I beg to differ.
"Pagkatapos mo ng junior high, you should take HUMMS, then take political science in college." I remember him saying that while we ate lunch with family.
My younger sister, Tan, short for Tangent, looks displeased. "Pa naman, he wants to be an engineer. Let him be!"
"Pinag-usapan na natin 'to diba? He'll be a lawyer!"
Sometimes, I wonder why he named us related to mathematics, but wants us to take a path to be lawyers. I, as a loyal son, his only son, would follow because I needed to.
"B*tch, I don't care if they disown me but I ain't gonna be an architect like him!" I remember Alexid saying, as she expressed her distaste on the idea of her taking Architecture while she sipped her orange juice at the prom.
No word could ever replace my jealousy over Alexid's braveness. The fact that she can fight for whatever she wants without being scared made me believe that she isn't really bad.
She's just that open to what she wants herself to be, even though everyone doesn't want her to do that.
Allison looks distraught after I confessed what I feel. I feel like I needed air, I needed a supply of oxygen yet I feel so heavy from all the things I've been into. I want her to understand what I'm feeling. I want to let her know that this isn't something normal for any human being to feel.
Joining her group made me feel pain that I've been ignoring for the past few years.
"I'm sorry." I heard her voice cracked upon the last word, avoiding my gaze, fidgeting her fingers, stating she's uncomfortable.
"O-Oh, n-no-"
"I'm sorry for letting you in, but you chose this path yourself. And I, will congratulate you for it."
"Huh? Why?"
This time, our eyes met, having this intense emotion that I couldn't figure out what is. "You chose this without hesitation. You maybe giving up on life, yet you never said you're giving up for the group."
"I would consider that as the same, Alli."
"I'd rather think not," she stood closer to me, "Your soul says yes, but your mind doesn't quite agree. My sister felt the same way when she dropped out of high school."
I was genuinely shocked on what she said. Her sister dropped out?! How come I never knew?!
I heard her inaudible sigh. "She knew that their words hurt her. She clearly gave up, yet at the same time she didn't. She left her school, but never left her life."
I was quite confused, I unknowingly scratched my head. "Pardon, you want me to drop out?"
"No, I want you to learn." she said, while picking up a piece of pebble on the ground. "I want you to understand yourself. You're no different to us, because you have us. You don't have to feel isolated. These words may not mend your wounds, but it would make them scars."
As much as it may sound so deep, I quickly understood her.
But surprisingly, it wasn't enough. Those wasn't the words I was hoping to hear.
We stayed quiet for a few moments, just watching the beautiful orange color of the sky turn to midnight blue.
We went back to the training room, while I tried to muster a small smile. Unknowingly, my eyes went to Alexid's own ones, staring back at me.
She gestured a thumbs up with a questioning look. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up too.
ALEXID
"First, we're training and now, we're camping?" walang pakundangan sa tanong si March habang nag-aayos ng mga gamit sa camping bag, ganoon rin ang ginagawa ng iba.
"Is it normal for your girlfriend to ask questions like she's irritated?" tanong ko kay Enrico na ikinatawa ng iba. March was staring at me like she's going to pounce at me at anytime but I just wore a smug smirk.
"Very normal actually." sagot naman niya.
Bago pa makapagsalita si March, ay agad ko nang nakita si Alli na papalapit sa'min, holding her very own camping bag.
"Sorry to bother your plans of sleeping tonight but we might not. This is the second part of your training."
"Kailangan ko ba dito yung girls scout skills ko dito?" I didn't hesitate to ask her, still in a smug face. Believe it or not, this slut was one of the girl scouts at 7th grade. I didn't hesitate to join, considering I love the wild and I am an adventurer myself.
"Maybe. But you just need yourself." she answered like it's the most simple question I've asked.
This is what you call, a sarcastic alligator.
She doesn't know it, yet she does it so well.
Nang matapos na ang lahat sa pag-pack ng mga gamit nila, we went outside to finally go somewhere outside the fields (still malapit pa rin sa ancestral house) but with the accompaniment of grass, trees and mosquitoes.
Sumakay kami sa Jeep Commander ni Leslie (which was driven by herself) going to that unknown place.
**
"Who's going to start the campfire?"
"Kami na ni Cosine!" agad kong sigaw matapos magtanong ni Alli sa aming lahat. Some gave us the obvious looks but I ignored them and instead, focused on this nerd guy.
He gave me a thumbs up earlier, but that's not going to convince me either way. I played that game before, bruh.
"I guess we will need to get some wood and stones to be able to make one." he said, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
Hindi na'ko nagsalita at sumunod na lang papunta sa liblib ng lugar na 'to. Kahit pa madilim at malamig ang simoy ng hangin, hindi ko magawang matakot, dahil sa may mga ligaw na rangers (o mga tagabantay na tawag ni Leslie doon) sa lugar at private property daw nila iyon.
And besides, the view is too good that I can't focus on fearing my imaginations. The color of the sky glazed with the beautiful stars is my kind of aesthetic.
At dahil hindi na'ko makatiis sa katahimikan namin ni Cosine, ay ako na ang bumasag sa atmosperang iyon.
"Please, tell me what's wrong Cosine."
Natigilan siya sa pagpupulot ng kahoy, at parang naging estatwa sa sinabi ko. I tried to look at his face, pero nanatili pa rin siyang nakatalikod sa'kin.
Seconds had passed but he didn't utter a word.
Nararamdaman ko na ang konting irita mula sa kanya. "Wag kang magpanggap like everything is okay. You know you could talk to me."
Since that day where we decided to be a fake couple, we started talking. For real. Even though most of the time, he still talks like freakin' Einstein, he's actually nice to talk to. Even on chat and personal, he never disappoints. Even with the prom night, we talked a lot.
Madalas, just like what I do with Alli, I would always open up to him, but now, I think... I need to at least do the same thing with him.
"Pasensya na, Alexid."
Nabalik ako sa reyalidad ng makitang nakatingin na nga siya sa'kin ngayon. I have no words, when I saw his tired eyes, yet smiling lips. His slumped shoulders, yet his neat posture.
"Come on," I tried hard to smile, "it's your turn to open up! I'll listen, don't worry. Malay mo parehas pala tayo ng iniisip o kung ano man yan."
He sighed, but kept his smile. His eyes went on the ground. "Have you ever felt, this feeling, this heavy... feeling... that makes you want to kill yourself?"
Agad nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tanong niya. Oh heck no! He's f*cking depressed and is f*cking close to suicide! Sh*t!
"Simula nang sumali ako sa Royals, parang bumibigat yung pakiramdam ko, Alexid. Alam ko sanay na dapat ako dito dahil matagal ko na rin naman 'tong nararanasan, pero para bang mas iba yung epekto nun sa'kin?"
You're becoming... open to yourself unlike before, unlike the time you haven't decided to be with Royals. You sympathize everyone in our circle, that made you realize what you are doing now, and how it actually affects you.
Allison's words rang in my head. I knew what she was talking about. Ibinalik ko ang tingin kay Cosine, na ngayon ay nakayuko na. Sinara ko ang flashlight, para tingnan ang madilim na kalangitan.
"You know how life's f*cked up? Well, news flash, it f*cks you up even more, but you can't do anything about it! If you ask me what I do? I cry. I scream my insecurities and thoughts whenever I feel it. Kasi, at the end of the day, I know ako lang naman ang magde-desisyon sa buhay ko. I have to make a decision, to fight or lose. And heck no I am not going to lose it."
Lumapit pa ako sa kanya, para makita ang mukha niya. I raised his head with his chin. "Look at me, habang nandito tayo, cry it all out. Tell me everything you're carrying inside you. I'll listen and just let it f*cking all out."
With that on point, I hugged him so tight. I may not be some good adviser but I we share the same feeling.
Bigla akong napangiti ng maramdaman ko yung isang patak sa leeg ko. I didn't know how long we stood there, but I know he needed a shoulder to lean on.
But as the time passed that we stood there, I know there was this feeling that hit me with nostalgia. The beatings in my chest went wild, as I realize that I know what I'm getting into, yet I don't really want to acknowledge it.
***
The first night of camping was fun. I felt like it was another time for us to know each other. Of course, the usual happened: Me, bickering about March and Enrico, Daryll and Enrico bickering, Aira shipping them, Cosine talking in Einstein language and Alli listening.
Cosine got better after that too.
Ginising kami ni Alli ng medyo maaga. We quickly had breakfast, and now, stood infront of her as she now explained what we're going to do today.
"Since we're done with the assessment of your strength and knowledge with fighting, we also need to learn stealth and sensing."
Oh, I get it. She's turning us into ninjas. I don't get the connection of us being ninjas for gamechangers though, like what the f*ck?
"All of you, wear blindfolds for the half of the day."
"WHAT?!" sabay-sabay ang reaksyon namin sa utos niya. Don't tell me she's being serious?! No, actually f*ck it, she's damn serious!
"I'll be wearing one also. But I'll be guiding you for the rest of the time. And when you wear it, you have to be quiet, unless asked." sabi pa niya habang isinusuot na ang blindfold.
Nag-tinginan kaming lahat, pero wala kaming nagawa sa huli kung hindi sumunod.
"I really can't see sh*t with this blindfold." rinig kong bulong ni Daryll mula sa kaliwa. I tried turning my head sideways, but I can't see 'cause everything's dark!
Nakarinig ako ng mga yapak, at biglang pagsasalita ni Alli sa di kalayuan. "Start here, Daryll."
"Oh f*ck! Is this your hand, Alli?"
"Yeah, just calm down."
Nakarinig muli ako ng mga yapak, hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang malamig na pares ng kamay na hawakan ang sa'ken!
"Sh*t! Sino 'yon?!"
"It's me. Just follow my lead." an answer came in front of me. From the serious tone it had, it has to be Allison.
Naglakad kami, while I cling onto her with her arm as she guided me to somewhere, a fair distance away from the spot where I was.
Everything was quiet, 'till I heard footsteps going far away from me.
"ALLI?! You still there?!" sigaw ko, but no one seemed to hear me.
There was the eerie silence, 'till she decided to talk. "Please point to the direction where you can hear me."
And as the stupid, promiscuous me, I pointed nowhere as I think where the voice came from.
"Some of you got it, while some... needs some practice." I feel like I'm attacked, Alli.
"Now, Daryll, speak up." she asked.
"I'm over here, dumb*sses!" the cocky guy yelled.
"Now point to the direction where you heard him." I did what she has to say, but damn my senses are pointless as a circle. I literally turned 360 degrees just to make sure I pointed at the right direction.
"Hmm... not bad." she quipped.
She then repeated the same thing to every person. And every time we do point, she would say something in the middle of a compliment or needs improvement kind of stuff. The next thing we did after that is, actually find the sound by walking to that direction.
And I swear, I can't stop laughing whenever I'll here Aira's voice screaming for help as she tripped on her way. Each made their way slowly, I included.
But in Allison's case, she wasn't literally joking about this. Enrico challenged her if she could do it and she can, seconds later when I called her name, and she was right in front of me 5 seconds later. Still with the blindfold on.
We got rest when lunchtime came. Buti na lang talaga, dinalan kami ng pinsan niya ng mga pagkain at sa labas na rin naisipang kumain.
"I'm f*cking curious as of why you have a training room in your basement and why do you even train like... soldiers? Like dude this is some CIA sh*t!" Enrico asked in the middle of our feast.
Gulat ako ng matigil nga ang lahat na kumain to look at Allison who's looking back at nowhere.
"It's like... a tradition in our family. For self defense. I think it's a good thing, really." Leslie was the one to answer, casually shrugging and eating her food.
DARYLL
I wasn't really the one who notices everything. I never really cared if some commotion happen around me, unless it's my business or Alexid's.
But looking at Allison's emotionless face, I couldn't think clearly.
Why do I keep looking at it? As if that would answer the questions inside my head.
I know something's up. Allison not speaking about it made me so sure about it.
"A penny for your thoughts?" I heard the f*cker's voice beside me.
"How about a quarter?" I replied, earning a snicker and a "f*ck you" from him as we both got everything inside our bags to bring with.
After lunch, Allison planned to go somewhere. Again. She said it's the second part of the training. I felt excited yet, so nervous. She brings surprises out of nowhere.
"C'mon, we know what's on our mind." Again, I was back when Enrico gave me a nudge on my shoulder.
I guess it won't hurt to talk to him. Besides, he's a trusted friend and he's a f*cker. "You noticed Allison not going for an answer earlier?"
"Yeah. Same thing. I know she's not telling us something. I find it so f*cking weird. Like very out of this world weird."
My brows arched. "What do you mean?"
"... What's the training for? Why are we doing this? I mean, why would we use this against gamechangers? What's with the blindfold? MMA? Why? Does she know something about them that we don't know?"
Then, I tried fitting the puzzle pieces. Every punch I made. Kicks. Sensing sounds. Stealth. Survival. Fighting,
... Are we preparing for a fight? A very huge fight?
"... she's like... trying to teach us how to fight them."
Enrico turned around. "You think she's watching them? Like she knows what up. I can sense it."
Before I think of other crazy theories, I shrugged it off, putting other things inside my bag.
***
When we got to our next destination, everyone went screaming. I for once, froze in my position to witness the beauty yet the fear that embraced me with the thing in front of me. I couldn't think straight as memories flooded my mind with it's clear color.
Why do we have to go to a waterfall?
"Oh sh*t! Best vacation! May pa-swimming si Alli!" I barely heard Alexid's screaming as I felt my ears go deaf. I struggled to keep my breathing normal, and walked towards it.
But as I stepped a foot forward, I find myself stepping back.
Oh, f*ck this! I can't! I really f*cking can't!
"Ang lalim yata nito, Alli. Wala bang mga isda diyan? Baka mamaya kainin ako niyan!" Enrico butts in, beside me, looking down below the deep waters.
"'Di yan! Girlfriend mo nga 'di kapa nakain." Alexid's signature smirk come into play, her eyes directed to a certain girl who's glaring back at her.
Typical Alexid. The typical b*tch.
"Um, that's cannibalism, right?"
And with Cosine's comment, I quickly stopped myself from choking from my own saliva! F*ck, this guy's a literal saint!
"So, is everyone ready?" Allison interrupted my train of thoughts, looking down at the deep waters below, already removing her hoodie, revealing a plain black t shirt and shorts.
Before I can imagine as the typical me that I am, I look away from her.
Sh*t, as if that helps me calm down!
I wandered my eyes around the area, already noticing the members on their swimming attires. While I got only my shirt, and pants.
F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.
I can't swim.
"For real?!" I was startled when I spun my head to see Alexid wearing a surprised look at me, already in the verge of laughing.
Sh*t. I said it out loud.
Got no other way to lie, I gave up and gave her a glare instead, but that b*tch started laughing like crazy! Others were looking at us with confused faces, but still listening to Alli with what she's saying.
I guess only she heard me. What a luck.
"You have a body like that yet you cant'?!" Alexid whisper-yelled between breaths, trying to get a grip on herself.
She kept bugging me yet I had to ignore her when I got a look closer to the deep waters below the cliff. The cliff wasn't that high yet the waters was the one that I was scared of.
I wasn't scared of jumping, I was scared of drowning.
The feeling of the water pulling you down, suffocating your lungs, as you struggle to find yourself up. This is f*cked up. I'm f*cked up.
"You should find ways to relax yourself within situations and set your mind free. I'll start with someone."
All went silent as those words flew out of Allison's mouth.
But suddenly, I felt her hand on my hand. My mind went haywire when split seconds later, our eyes met. F*ck, NO!
But I didn't have enough time to react as she pulled me with her, falling down the cliff, as I screamed for my life. Or... screamed for her name. Funny I find that weird.
When I came in contact with water, I found myself holding my breath, my eyes closed tightly. Everything was cold, eerie... dark.
"Go buy me some drink motherf*cker!"
"You're a worthless piece of sh*t! Get out of my sight!"
"You better f*cking stay there, boy! You don't want me to be angry!"
I felt numb, yet I can still feel the cold waters embrace me, luring me to go down... and never return back. I was useless anyway. I'm no saint. I did so many things that everyone would hate me for it and wished that I should die.
Because the sole reason I was born was to feel this pain.
I was ready to lose my consciousness. Yet, a pair or arms got hold of my back raising me up.
Finally, I was able to breath. Opening my eyes, Alli's brown orbs instantly got my attention.
"I can tell that you're scared." she whispered. Amid the screaming and loud voices of the other people with us, it felt like it was only the two of us. Her eyes had an intense emotion that I couldn't decipher what it's trying to say to me. In contrast to this was the faint smile on her face. I find it creepy yet calming.
But I remembered how I got here in the first place.
"What the f*ck was that?! I got f*cking scared by that! Are you even thinking?! What if I drown?! Are you trying to kill me?!"
Despite the pent up anger taking over me, her face still remained. "I'll save you."
Struggling to keep my nerves calm with her answer, I managed not to lash out on her since I still have no goddamn idea why she thought of this.
"In the name of my life, Alli, just f*cking tell me what's going on! I need answers, not f*cking riddles or your stupid punch lines! Just stop being an *sshole and tell me!"
I need a breather, I can tell. My voice soon got hoarse as I continue staring at her. I could sense the noise slowly dying down, probably noticing the tension between us.
I know my words hurt, but there was no control of whoever was within me.
It's not hard to tell anyone what's going to happen! Like what is going on?! I just can't understand her! I tried but it's making me crazy!
"They're already suspecting us.."
"What?!"
"They're suspecting that Cosine and Alexid are part of Royals. And we can't deny that it's real. I'm training all of you to be prepared 'cause there might be a chance that eventually they'll know all about us. And they don't fight with words. They play dirty."
Sh*t just got real.