Concentrate, target the ball. That has been my mantra for the past two weeks. I come to practice, leave my heart out there, and go home.
My behavior change is the result of a realization, one that left me feeling uneasy and vulnerable. On the field, Cooper is a great coach, outside, he's playing a different game. Whenever Rose is around, his friendly behavior towards me turns into heavy flirting. Then I saw him cornering Rose behind the bar with the excuse of massaging her shoulders. I'm not willing to be part of what he has in mind, making her jealous or whatever that is.
He must have noticed the change in me for I got a message asking if all is well. I gave him a light reply, saying it is and that I'm still enjoying myself and left it at that. He didn't dig further and I'm glad about it.
Rose looks different though. Her appearance is still the same, elegant and not a hair out of place, but her eyes are empty of emotion. Not that I feel pity for her, but it hit home. Her face reflects the same look I had a year ago each time I stared at myself in a mirror. She's also distracted, which is unusual for her, and has lost control of the ball a few times, earning curses and yells from Cooper and her mates.
After training, I could hear the gossip buzz in the changing room and this time it wasn't about me. Willow was almost bouncing on the bench, begging for me to go have tea with her, probably to talk about what happened. I declined politely, saying I had work to do. It bugs me that she claims to be Rose's best friend, yet I don't see her begging Rose to go out.
Next weekend we will have our first real match and that's all that matters to me at this moment. My goalie uniform is folded on top of my dining table and my stomach feels knotted in excitement and a bit of fear. I'm not a bad player, but who knows for sure what we are up against.
"Ma'am, we are about to close."
I stare up at the young waitress and by the amount of crumbs and coffee cups on the table, I realize that I've been sitting at this café for hours. I came here to read and distract myself from the club and the people in it, and didn't even open the book I brought.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks," I pull out a bunch of bills and lay them on the table without counting then. The girl gives me a weird stare. Then I realize that this is counter service and I don't need to tip, but it's too late to retract my action.
The window displays on my way home provide some entertainment. I think I will order pizza, take a long shower and then binge on Netflix.
"Sanne!"
I turn towards the voice and see a tall man that I don't recognize walking towards me.
"Yes, can I help you?"
"Don't you recognize me anymore?" He places his sunglasses on his head and I see the hazel eyes, well known eyes.
Sorry
The message on my phone runs through my head and I take a step back. This can't be right. He can't be here.
"It's so good to see you again," he smiles at me.
"I can't say the same. What are you doing here, Lachlan?" I feel the repressed anger fueling my body.
"I came to see you."
"Well, you saw me. Now return to wherever you came from."
People stare at us as they pass by, it's obvious that this isn't a friendly encounter.
"At least let me explain," he begs.
"What is there to explain? You left me. Disappeared! Next I hear you are back in Sydney to your wife," my voice goes a pitch higher and I can't help it.
"I don't know where you got that information, but that isn't true," he says between gritted teeth. "I went to my mother. Sanne, let's take this somewhere else. I know you live here. Your mom told me."
"My mom? What does she has to do with this?"
"I returned to Amsterdam and went looking for you. Let me buy you dinner and we can talk."
He looks so different from the last time I saw him. His hair is now short, and he has gained some weight. Even his clothes are different, more adult. He does owe me an explanation after all I went through. It's the one thing I've been wanting to know. Why? What did I do?
"I'm going to regret doing this. I'm sure. I've been out the whole day and wanted a quiet pizza night at home. You can join me, but I swear Lachlan that if you try something stupid I won't hesitate to grab a knife and chop your dick."
Lachlan stares at me and then his lips turn into a grin. God, I have missed that smile.
"I'm willing to take that risk."
We head up to my apartment, standing in opposite corners of the lift and he hesitates in the hallway.
"Come in. I don't intend to eat out here," I realize I sound bitchy, but I'm still so mad at him.
"Thanks," he walks forward and gazes around the living room. "Beautiful place. Very like you."
I caught myself before giving him a smile. He was always good at compliments. I open my laptop and click on the bookmarked pizza place.
"Still like pepperoni and black olives?" I ask him.
"You remember!"
"Don't make a big deal out of this," I place the order and when I'm done, I sit on the couch opposite of where he stands."Talk," I motion with my hand to an armchair nearby.
"Like I said, I didn't went to my ex-wife. I don't even know where she is and have no intention to find out. I'm not a cheater and would never do what she did to me."
"Why did you leave? We were fine and happy. What did I do to you?"
"I had to leave because I loved you Sanne."
"That makes no sense."
"I was using while we were together."
"For God's sake, it was Amsterdam, most people do," I say, but fear of what his words really mean.
"I was past the legal stuff when I wasn't with you, when I was alone," he looks embarrassed. "Jack had that overdose and barely survived. We used the same. I realized I needed help and staying in Amsterdam was only going to make it worse. The temptation was too close and the people supplying it easily available."
"I could have helped you," my voice comes out softer. I can't let my guard down.
"Without a doubt you would have been a great support, but everyone else was a bad influence. It wrecked me to know what I had to do. I got home and first had to endure the longest speech my mother has ever given me. First, for leaving you and second for the reason I returned. I went through rehab and therapy, and it was so damn difficult."
The distressed look in his face as he relates this proves he's telling the truth. I want to comfort him, but I also had a difficult time.
"I've never experienced pain and embarrassment like I did after I found out you left. I couldn't explain to people about what happened or why it happened. Went almost crazy with those thoughts consuming me. I had to get away and took the job here."
"Your mom told me. Don't think she received me with open arms. You have let me come inside. She didn't let me in. I had to tell her all via the intercom of the building. She then came downstairs and I promised her to make amends with you at any cost. I'm sorry for hurting you, for pretending all was well and for leaving you Sanne. I can only hope that you forgive me one day and we can be friends again."
I stay in silence and let his words sink in. I knew he had a rough childhood and we understood each other for having fathers who left us. That's why it hit me so hard. Another important man leaving me again. Only this time, one of them returned.
"Did therapy help?" I ask, ignoring his request of forgiveness.
"I understand now why I hate being alone and why I kept hanging out with the wrong people. I can take positive measures now like go for a walk, journaling or baking. I would give away most of what I baked, but you can see some made it into me," he chuckles and pats his belly.
"It suits you. Also the short hair looks good on you."
"Thanks. New life, new look. Are you playing again?"
I follow his gaze to my uniform. "Yeah, I'm one of the goalies of the Foxes."
I then tell him about the club and what's been going on, only interrupted by the arrival of our pizzas.
"I don't think she has it against you personally," Lachlan says after cleaning some cheese from his chin. "She's just keeping appearances and will figure out you can become a great friend."
"Me and Rose? Friends?" I scoff.
"Maybe that's exactly what she needs."
And what I need too. I know we are not back to where we were, but having Lachlan here feels right.