all we have is what's left today,
hearts so pure in this broken p l a c e . . .
🌊🌊🌊
◇ e i g h t m o n t h s l a t e r ◇
The salt shaker in front of me has been in my hands for the past fifteen minutes while I restlessly toyed with it. I must have taken the cap off and put it back on at least a hundred times. Twisting it around over and over again served as a way to occupy my mind, and my hands.
Alone in a booth inside The Sand Dollar an hour before closing and this is what I've been doing with my time. Playing with a salt shaker like it's the best thing I've ever gotten a hold of.
"Shit," I grumbled under my breath, fed up with the voices in my head that didn't get the hint to just stop. I had to do more than just sit there and fidget with a condiment container. So I slid out of the bench and went behind the counter to grab cleaning spray and a rag, then headed to a random table at a different booth.
It really didn't need to be cleaned. None of the booths needed to be cleaned because there weren't any customers within the past twenty minutes. A Thursday morning in early August obviously wasn't a busy day for us. But I couldn't sit there any longer and not do anything. I had to keep myself busy by scrubbing the daylights out of the table.
I felt a presence behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Robyn. She was watching me with an intrigued look on her face as I kept on cleaning, small grunts from me being the only sound between us other than the low volume of the radio playing throughout the diner.
"You know, if you scrub any harder, you're gonna put a hole in the table," she quipped. I didn't laugh, or chuckle, or even muster up a smile.
Instead, a flustered sigh came out as I dropped myself onto the end of the bench. Robyn sighed too, more steadily than myself, and she joined me by sitting opposite of me in the booth. Her eyes were on me, but I was facing the counter with all the empty stools lined up against it.
"Are you okay?" She asked gently. It caused me to bark back a response, even though what she said didn't necessarily irritate me. It was my thoughts that were devouring me to the point where I couldn't keep it in any longer.
"I'm great, Robyn," I bitterly smiled, turning to look at her now. "All my friends are starting college in a couple of weeks. They're going to move on, make all new friends, and do a lot of really great things. Meanwhile, I'll be here because I can't make up my mind. I'm going to be stuck in this diner for the rest of my life. So yeah, I'm doing just great."
She pursed her lips, choosing her words carefully before she uttered them. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know what I want to do, and that's my problem in every aspect of my life," I spat out, before I rested my head in my hands and stared down at the spotless surface of the speckled table.
A comfortable silence fell over us for a minute or two. Robyn always had a way about her that made you feel warm inside. So cordial and good-natured, constantly wanting the best for those she cares about. Her being older and wiser may have to do with it, or maybe it's because I feel this kind of connection with her that I don't feel with anyone else. A godmother-daughter bond that goes beyond being just another guardian of mine.
"I know it's hard for you. Everyone's moving on but you. You want certain things, but you don't know how to get them. You haven't been yourself for a long time," she finally spoke up again in her usual, genuine way of saying things. It made me pick my head up and look at her, our green eyes meeting. "I'm your godmother for a reason. I know you might feel awkward talking to your parents about some stuff, but you need to know that you can talk to me about anything. This is a judgement-free zone, and I am always happy to help. Especially when it comes to you."
My lips pulled up into a small smile, something that I've found has been getting harder and harder to do lately, due to various reasons. "Thanks, Rob. Sometimes I forget how good you are with advice," I cooed, and she rolled her eyes playfully at that.
Our conversation wasn't done, but the chimes on the opening door to the diner were the warning bell to get back to work. I went to stand up so I could seat the group of three girls, but Robyn's iron grip on my wrist had me glued to my seat. She snapped her fingers at Emilio, another waiter who wasn't doing anything, and silently commanded he take their orders. Being somewhere between mine and Robyn's age, he didn't disrespect the elder and was quick to usher the girls to a table.
Robyn turned back to me, tucking a stray piece of ginger hair behind her ear. "So, what do you want to talk about?" She breathed the question out. Her hands were folded on the table as she patiently waited for me to say something. I didn't know what to bring up though.
That my friends are leaving me so soon? How I'm one of the only people in my grade not going to college? That I have no clue what I want to do with my future? Or why the one person I cannot stop thinking about is the same person that wants nothing to do with me?
I settled for the latter. I try to cover up that it's truly my only pain by believing college and my friends leaving are the real problems. Which they are, but not as much as I think.
And because it's been so long since I last talked about it with anyone, it came out in a fragile sob.
"I just miss him."
Robyn's sympathetic frown assured me she knew that. I knew it all too well. But I don't know why saying it out loud felt so goddamn good. That confession was just the tip of the melting iceberg that I finally set a flame to.
"I try not to think about him too much 'cause I know it's not good for me, but I can't. How can I just forget someone like him, you know? He was my first love, okay, I can't act like I never want to see him again. I can't pretend like every night before I go to sleep, I don't wonder how he's doing. I can't ignore the fact that no matter how much I try to distract myself, he's always right there."
My venting came out hastily, drawing to an abrupt end that Robyn easily wrapped her head around. Another power of hers – she can hear the most jumbled up nonsense and make sense out of it all. And she had this way of saying things so that they didn't come off as rude, but that they were helpful.
"Are you saying all of this because you want my opinion? Or are you saying all of this because you're trying to convince yourself that you don't love him anymore? Even though you clearly do," she raised a thin eyebrow. She was staring right through me, it seemed.
"I mean, of course I still love him. I always have, and that's what makes this so hard. I wish that I didn't love him anymore so that I could forget about him and move on. But I-I can't do that. He means too much to me to be able to move on. There has been no one in my life since him, so clearly I'm not trying that hard," I ridiculed myself, swallowing thickly and playing with the pendant on my necklace. "I wish we could make things work. I do. He's the only person I want to be with, but he's just so... difficult. I don't know how someone can be so empty inside that they give everything they have away, but they don't want anything in return to fill the void. I don't understand him."
"When's the last time you guys talked?" Robyn wondered, eyebrows now furrowed.
Just thinking about the answer, I knew she wasn't going to like it. "When we broke up," I mumbled. The disappointment on her face hit me hard.
"Oh sweetie." She shook her head, her lips rolling into her mouth. "That's no way to treat someone you love. You can't leave them on those kinds of terms. You don't give up." I opened my mouth to object, but a raised finger hushed me. "I know you're not going to like this, but hear me out... maybe you should go talk to him," she said, and held her hand up again when I tried to protest. I sat back in my booth and crossed my arms, letting her continue. "It's been awhile, you've both had time to think things over and maybe he's changed. Maybe he's realized that he screwed up, but won't do anything about it because you told him not to call you. I don't really know, it's just an adult point of view on the situation."
"I doubt it," I rasped, now shaking my head.
Robyn doesn't know the real reasons behind mine and Brody's breakup. The heavy, heart-rending, twisted reasons that still keep me awake at night sometimes. But I do. And they're all the motive behind me not reaching out to Brody to fix things. Because to me, he doesn't want to.
The thing about Brody is that he doesn't want to be loved. He considers himself damaged goods, incapable and not worthy enough of being loved by anyone. He just wants to hand out the sentiment like it's spare change in his pocket, but never feel it in return. It shakes him to the core, frightens him beyond anything he's ever felt, the fear immortal in the back of his mind. And when he feels like he's getting too close to that tender emotion, he vanishes.
I could never solve Brody's puzzle, but that's exactly who he is. He's a puzzle with no beginning or end, and you spend all your time trying to piece together the final image when really, there is none. It's an exhausting, vicious cycle and that's exactly what loving Brody is like. He's like the ocean. All consuming, too massive to comprehend, complicated, constantly breaking the waves, rough one second and calm the next.
She may have been lying when she said it, but Sky was right about one thing. It hurts like hell to love Brody. She warned me that he doesn't want any involvement with love. That it's impossible to change a guy like him. And before you know it, he's gone. And there's nothing you can do about it.
Her hostile words replayed in my mind like a broken record. I heard them being said in her voice. I remember the look she was giving me as she warned me about Brody the day she first came to see me at the pier, before we left for Jersey. I didn't want to believe her and she never gave me any reason to, considering the fact that she's a liar. Except I had a feeling that may have been one of the only truthful things she ever told me.
I was so concentrated on my thoughts about Brody that I didn't hear Robyn start talking. Her aggressive gaze snapped me right out of my trance in a second.
"I'm not suggesting it anymore, I'm telling you that you need to go talk to him." She pointed at me, her demand strong and unwavering. "If you love him as much as you say you do, and as much as I can see that you do, then you have to go get him. And God, if he doesn't want to fix things, then you have to move on. But you can't just leave things the way they are. You cannot sit here and tell me that you don't wanna try."
"What am I gonna do? Just show up at his house?" I raised my hands in confusion. "Besides, we still have forty-five minutes 'till closing."
"Yes, go to his house. I got everything here. I'll take care of the people and your parents, just go," she ordered as she shooed me out of the booth. When I didn't make a move, she scoffed and hopped up herself, then dragged me to the front door. "Tell him what's been on your mind for the past eight months. Tell him you want to work through things because you love him that much. Christ, tell him anything."
As her words sunk in and simmered in my mind, I realized maybe she was right. Leaving Brody and I on the terms that we have been on since the break up didn't give me any kind of closure. And that's just what I need. The both of us deserve more than a dispute. We deserve a mature, civil talk about things to know where we each of us stands.
I drew in a deep breath, nodding my head slowly as I cast my gaze back up at Robyn. "You know what, you're right."
"I know." She didn't try to hide her grin.
"He has to know what he did to me, and that... I don't wanna give up," I blinked when that last part came out. So soft that it seemed like an irrational thought way in the back of my mind. But it's true.
She clasped a hand on my shoulder tightly, still beaming down at me. "Go get your boy," she jerked her head as a notion for me to get going. I wrapped her in a quick hug and thanked her a million times, making sure she was okay with me leaving before I took off.
Racing against the speed limit and the clock, I made my way towards his house. My hands gripping the wheel, eyes focused on where I needed to go. The volume on my stereo was even muted, which hardly ever happens in my car – there's always music on. But now, with my confidence at an all time high, I needed silence.
Complete and utter silence. Nothing to distract me from completing the task at hand. Karaoke in my car wasn't going to fix things with Brody. Talking to him would.
The streak of courage I was feeling lasted until I pulled up to his house.
I inched my way up the curb until I was parked right out front. My shaky hand turned the key and shut off my car, then I continued to sit in it and stare at the quaint beach house.
What am I going to say? What if he doesn't even want to talk? How am I going to convince him that we should get back together when I feel like I'm about to throw up?
My love for Brody overpowered my fear, luckily, so I found myself slinking out of my car and all the way up to his front door. That rumbling nausea in my stomach was creeping its way further and further to my throat. I don't think my palms have ever sweated so much before.
What the hell am I doing? Why am I here? I should just go home and crawl into my bed. That sounds good.
The ringing of the doorbell disturbed that thought. Oh shit, I rang it?
I forced my hand back down to my side as I waited for someone to answer. Idiotic me didn't even check to see if any cars were in the driveway. Part of me prayed with every ounce that no one was home. The rest of me scolded that part and put it to shame.
Breathing became a challenge when the lock clicked on the door. All I did was gulp.
Here it comes. Here he comes.
It looked like the door was opening in slow motion as I braced myself for literally anything. A stampede of elephants could be coming at me from the other side of the door and I'd be ready to run.
And then his mother's sweet, Brooklyn accent shattered everything that I was preparing for.
"Lena? Sweetie, hi! How are you?"
I couldn't hold back the sigh of relief that came rushing out of me at her greeting. Sure, I was expecting Brody. But his mother is just as good, and maybe seeing her first just makes things easier on me. Or that much harder; I'm really not sure.
"Hi Paula," I smiled politely.
"Come in! Oh God, it's been so long!" She grinned, ushering me inside and engulfing me in her arms the second I set foot in the house. It was an odd, nostalgic kind of embrace that just reminded me of everything I've missed that much more.
"I know, it has been awhile," I chuckled. We pulled out of our hug and her one hand remained on my arm, interest gleaming in her hazel eyes. "I've been alright though. How are you?"
"Hanging in there," she shrugged a shoulder, lips still curled upwards. "So what's up? What brings you around here?"
Right. Why did I come here in the first place?
"Um, I was actually wondering if Brody was around," I told her in a small voice. Then I held my breath as I waited for her answer.
The pout that formed on her lips now brought my heart into my gut. "Oh, sweetie, no. He's been in California like, all month. Some kind of surfing convention out there. I honestly don't even know when he comes home, they keep changing the dates," she explained, shaking her head.
Disheartened and a little relieved, I nodded. "Okay, thanks."
"I know you're disappointed, but you got a minute? I miss talking to you, and I got a couple hours 'till I go to work," she suggested hopefully with a shrug. How could I say no to her?
"Yeah, I got time," I smiled. I barely got the words out before she was jumping for joy.
"Oh, good! You want something? I got doughnuts, coffee, iced tea – you know I got the iced tea," she offered over her shoulder as I followed her to the kitchen. The one that I've enjoyed so many dinners in and shared countless laughs with her and Brody. I shook off those memories and took a glazed doughnut and a glass of iced tea from her.
Sitting down with her at the kitchen table without Brody was weird. Being here in general without Brody felt weird. Everything just felt bizarre.
"So what's new with you?" She asked, bringing me right out of my stupor. Her wide, eager eyes were already on me when I looked back at her, a cup of coffee raised to her lips.
"Not much," I chuckled at my recently lame life. Deciding to spare her of the details, I summed up my entire summer pretty quickly. "I've been working a lot at the diner and the pier. And I try to hang out with my friends too, but it's hard because everyone's working and now they're all going off to college in a couple of weeks."
"And what about you? College, or..." she trailed off, anticipating my response.
A wry smile passed through my lips at the c-word. "No. Not yet, at least. I'm going to work for awhile and figure things out. I have no idea what I want to do, and I don't wanna go just because, you know?" She nodded solemnly, and I truly believed that she understood my situation. Having a child at twenty years old most likely wasn't in her plans, so I'm sure that changed a lot of things in her life. With that in mind, she let me go on. "My one friend is going to Delaware, for engineering or something like that. I don't know, he's really smart and he'll have no problems making it far in life," I jokingly rolled my eyes. Caleb. "His twin brother, who I'm really good friends with too, got accepted to Salisbury... but I uh, don't think he knows what he's majoring in yet," I chuckled, shaking my head. Noah. "One of my best girl friends is going to Loyola, 'cause her parents wanted her to go to a private school that's not too far away, and she wants to be a social worker," I nodded. Sadie. "And my other best girl friend is gonna go for teaching at UMD." Jodie.
The thought of all my friends moving on with their lives, doing things they love and living up the college life still brings me joy. No matter how much I might envy them, when it comes down to it, I'm happy for them. Besides, Noah's school is only 45 minutes from home, so he won't be living there and at least I'll still have him to hang around with sometimes. As for everyone else, they're all two, two and a half, three hours away. But I know I'll always be counting down the days until they come home for breaks.
"It seems like you're really happy for them," Paula read my thoughts with a simper. I nodded a little to confirm and took the last bite of my doughnut. "But, you know, you're not alone. There's plenty of kids that take some time off to think about what they want to do. You don't have to know; you're so young." She stopped to chuckle, her head shaking as she took a slow sip from her coffee. "Although, Brody is killing me with this surfing."
"I guess he's traveling a lot," I thought aloud, and she agreed with a heavy sigh. She put her mug down and went to pinch the bridge of her nose, groaning a bit. The dark circles contrasting against her bright eyes were easily displayed for me to see with her makeup-free face. She looked so worn out, I didn't know what to do to help other than sit there and listen.
"I mean, I'm so happy for him and I'm glad he's doing something he loves. But it breaks my heart that he doesn't want to go to school. I mean, he could go to school for surfing if he wants to like, make a career out of it or something. I don't think he wants to do that, though. He won't tell me anything – every time I try to bring it up, he brushes it off. He never wants to talk about it. I wish he would decide on something... a solid future for himself. Something where he wouldn't have to leave me so much. Of course, you know, I'm his mother so, I want him home all the time. I hardly ever see the kid anymore."
"Wow, really?" I widened my eyes in surprise. I haven't been keeping up with anything related to Brody in a really long time, so I'm a little clueless on what he's been up to for the past eight months without me. I guess wandering the world and shredding the waves is all he's doing.
"Oh yeah," she nodded thoroughly. The way she said it sounded like she's explained this one too many times. "After you two split, he's been gone nonstop. He'll come home for a couple days here and there, but God he's been everywhere. All over the US, Australia, Europe, South America, you name it. And I can't go with him much anymore because he's going so far away, and I gotta work to keep this house. He's doing great, really. I just miss him a lot, I guess."
That makes two of us.
"I'm sure he'll figure it out," I said quietly.
She turned to me with a soft smile, reaching out to nudge my shoulder gently. "I miss having you around here." The comment was so casual that it didn't make my heart squeeze in my chest at first. Not until it sunk in a few seconds later.
"I know," I tried to smile too. "It's just hard. I came here 'cause I wanted to talk, and try to fix things, but uh... if he's never home I don't know if that'll ever happen."
"I was devastated when he told me what happened with you two. And I don't know how many times I told him he screwed up, bad. But he didn't wanna hear it. He just kept telling me to leave it alone and that 'things had to happen this way', whatever that means. You can't change him. You can't tell him what to think. He's a hard head – he's just like his father," she shook her head and shrugged a little, her eyes directed elsewhere. The subtle mention of Brody's dad had me feeling uncomfortable, but she didn't appear to be too upset about it.
"I just thought that you'd be the one, you know? I've seen the kind of girls he used to bring home, you know, before all that drama with Sky. Sometimes they'd be around for two days, sometimes two weeks. Either way, I didn't talk to 'em much. I'd just smile and they'd be on their way. Brody thinks I'm clueless and that I didn't know what was going on with him during his 'rebel phase' – but I'm not that dumb.
"I told him a woman can make or break a man, and that's what Sky did. I didn't think he'd ever try to get himself out there again, until you came along. It was really different with you. I thought you two would be it, you know?" She leaned forward. Then she pointed at me like she had a sudden realization. I blinked, on edge as I waited for her to explain her light-bulb moment. "You were like his saving grace. That's exactly what it was. His saving grace."
A redeeming quality or characteristic. Brody's good point. A good thing that makes a bad thing better or more acceptable.
The phrase never dawned on me before, but to hear Paula say it made so much sense. I was the fire and he was the water – and water always puts out the fire. Every damn time.
"Yeah," I murmured. It was the only word I could muster up without getting too misty-eyed.
We talked for a little while more, finishing up our beverages and our heart-to-heart with enough time left for Paula to get ready for work. And as much as I love talking to her, I wasn't sure how much longer I could sit in that house. Given the circumstances, it's still awkward for me and definitely hard to swallow. I had to get out of there before I went hysterical.
"Thank you for everything. The doughnut, the iced tea, the talk," I smiled to her as she walked me to the front door. "I really appreciate it."
"No problem, sweetie. Anything for you. You know that," she flicked her hand dismissively. Just like Brody, brushing off things like they're no big deal – when to me, they are.
She had her tiny arms around me in a hug for a few seconds, squeezing me endlessly. The embrace made me feel like everything was back to normal. To the point where it felt like I could go right upstairs and see Brody in his room, then crawl into bed with him.
I don't think I'll ever find another woman like her in my life. Her and Brody are both one of a kind.
She promised that she would tell Brody I came by, which was a nerve-racking thought, but I knew it'd be the better option than her not telling him at all. I promised her that I would come around again, whether it was for Brody or for her. Then I was on my way.
I opened the front door and not even one foot made it outside before she stopped me.
"Oh, Lena! Wait!"
Spinning around on my heel, I saw her scrambling to find something on the slightly cluttered kitchen table. "I have something for you," she called over her shoulder. I took a step back inside and shut the door, waiting with my thumbs hooked on my belt loops until she finally found whatever it was she was looking for. "Brody gave this to me and said if I ever see you around to give it to you. Why he couldn't give it to you? I have no idea. He's a big baby," she chuckled, handing over the item.
"Oh, okay. Thank you," I nodded as my eyebrows knit themselves together. In my hand was a big envelope, with something that didn't quite fit inside jammed in anyway. Plain white, with my name written by Brody in black Sharpie on the back. I don't remember ever leaving anything at his house, so I doubt this is something of mine. It's gotta be from him.
"Yeah, no problem. It's been around here for like, months. I just figured it'd be nice to finally give it to you," Paula shrugged.
I smiled back up at her, "Thanks again. I'll see you around," I bid her goodbye, again.
"I hope so," she grinned. She waved to me once I got to my car before she shut the front door and her figure disappeared.
I unlocked my car and got in silently, not bothering to turn it on yet. The envelope was staring up at me from my lap, begging for me to open it, but I couldn't. Sure, my curiosity was eating at me and I was dying to know what the hell it was. Except I didn't want to do it in my car outside of his house. Instead, I wanted to save it for the right day, whenever that would be.
So I put it on the passengers seat, started up my car, and drove home.
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A/N - eight months, y'all. DAMN time flies. any ideas on what brody's mom could have given lena at the very end of this chapter? was it a good idea for her to go and talk to him? (or try to lol) does she have a right to feel the way that she does? any predictions for what's to come next? let me know your thoughts! we're so close to the end of this story i'm really really sad about it.
TODAY IS THE DAY MY QUEEN MILEY CYRUS RELEASED HER NEW ALBUM YOUNGER NOW AFTER 4 YEARS OF NO NEW MUSIC! (besides dead petz but that wasn't an official album) I'M SCREAMING! I'M GOING TO TARGET WITH MY BEST FRIEND IN LIKE TWO SECONDS TO GO GET IT AND LISTEN TO IT AND CRY! ugh anywho the weather is perfect today and miley's new album is out and i have a bon voyage party to go to tomorrow for my bff's sister who's getting married in mexico SO YEAH! fun stuff ahead guys.
life's good. hope yours is too. thanks for reading. love ya lots.
song: saving grace (take 2) by the maine (this could honestly make me cry ok)
photo: pretty water
xoxo, sabbbycat