| Chapter 36 |
| the L-word |
"Because as long as it's an almost, it means you still have something to give. As long as it's an almost, it means you're still capable of hope."
Bree's words resonated in Nick's head again, just like they had the previous night. And the night before that. And more nights before that.
Not just nights, but days too -- those words seemed to find a way past Nick's walls when he was least expecting it, just like the speaker herself had snuck her way in.
Nick wished the words weren't so true, though. Hope was a parasite -- one that perched on your heart and sucked all the joy out. All hope did was feed you fantasies and make believe realities that shattered you when they turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking.
He supposed he did have hope -- regarding so much in his life -- but this past week, ever since Bree's words seemed to echo louder in his head, Nick had begun wondering why he felt more defeat than hope whenever his thoughts lingered on his mother. On the woman he'd left behind.
Nick caught a movement from his peripheral vision, and turned to see Dale shifting yet again in his position on the floor, where his books were scattered on the coffee table, and his fingers kept clicking the pen in a distracted rhythm.
Shifting his eyes away, Nick glanced at the fairly new Black & Decker vacuum cleaner lying on the floor -- one that he'd completely pulled apart and disassembled once he'd found Eileen ready to throw it away.
He could make it function again, he was certain of it -- and on the off-chance that it didn't work...well, there was no harm in trying.
If only he could say the same about relationships.
"Dale," Nick said, dropping the heavy weight in his hands on the floor and hearing the echo of metal against tiles.
"Yeah?" Dale raised his brows, his usually bright eyes a little dim and slightly red. The guy needed sleep, that was for certain.
"Do you think she's dead?"
That really seemed to snap Dale out of his sleep deprived state, his hunched shoulders instantly squaring up and his eyes growing wide with alertness and alarm.
"Who--dead?" He sputtered. "What? Who?"
"My mother," Nick responded in a simple tone. "You think she's dead?"
Dale's jaw hung open at the question, appearing to truly not know if Nick was being rhetorical or expecting a response. Nick didn't blame the guy -- he himself didn't know.
"Nick, what--" Dale shook his head vehemently, as if shaking his senses back into himself. "Nick, don't be an idiot. Okay?" He frowned, hard. "You'd know if she was d...you know." Dale looked away uncomfortably.
Nick cocked his head to the side, "would I, though?" He rubbed the fingers on his right hand together, feeling the coating of dust and grease. "There's been no calls, no messages, no nothing." His tone was too matter-of-fact. Too steady. But Nick didn't know how else to voice out these words other than detaching himself from his own voice completely.
"Your probation officer," Dale reminded, his voice sounding weak, eyes looking at Nick wearily. "He'd tell you, wouldn't he?"
Nick didn't respond for a long while, and then, "hmm," was all the indication he gave that he'd heard Dale speak.
"Are you okay?" Dale asked after what seemed like a heavy and tensed couple of minutes. When Nick listlessly met his eyes, Dale went on to explain, "I'm asking because you've just been off this past week. Something seems... wrong."
"I don't know."
Dale pressed his mouth tightly, just squinting at Nick before he released a deep sigh. "This is going to sound really stupid... and even insane... but I can't seem to shake the nagging feeling off so I'm just going to ask..." He paused, seeming to hesitate for a bit, "is it...Bree? I mean, the weekend you drove her home and came back, you seemed happy the entire week... But then this previous weekend, you went to meet her at the Quake, and... Well, you've been like this ever since." Dale gestured towards Nick's current state, emphasising on what he meant. "Did you guys argue about something again? I know you both don't always see eye to eye but this feels different somehow. You're acting different somehow."
Again, Nick didn't respond right away, letting his senses sway between the present and wherever his mind was at. "We're just... We're just in a place that's a little strained right now," he eventually said, voice flat. "We'll bounce back once it all wears off."
"Once what wears off?"
Nick clenched his teeth, hands reaching for the tool he'd left by his side on the floor earlier. "These feelings," he muttered, drawing the word out with much difficulty. "Whatever they are."
Dale's eyes were burning into Nick's face and the latter eventually looked up to meet his eyes.
"Are you involved with Bree, Nick?" Dale's tone was cautious.
"No."
"Do you want to be?"
Nick's silence answered the question for both of them.
"Do you plan on acting on those feelings?" Dale asked then, his voice growing more serious.
"No," Nick said softly, but truthfully. "No, of course not... I can't -- I can't do that."
"Good," Dale nodded, "because both of us know you still treat all of this like it's temporary. And if you want to pursue something with Bree, you ought to to get into it with both feet inside -- not with one out the door, ready to pack this life up and start new somewhere else."
A small chuckle left Nick's lips. "It's actually nice how much you're looking out for her."
Dale's expression turned exasperated and he furrowed his brows together, not tearing his eyes away. "Looking out for her?" He asked, his tone incredulous. "Nick, sure I care about Bree -- but this is me looking out for you. Okay? Because you owe it to yourself too to be able to live instead of just survive. And I don't know how long it's going to take to get it into your thick skull that I happen to care about you."
"People who care for me tend to turn those affections into something reckless," Nick said coldly, looking past Dale's shoulder. "Take my mother for example. Or even Bree, who keeps choosing me over herself that she doesn't even stop to consider how getting involved with me might leave her more heartbroken than happy."
"Because, you idiot," Dale stressed with an annoyed sigh, "despite what you think, you're not hard to love."
Nick's heart stopped at the L-word, and then plummeted down to his stomach. "Shut up," he said in a frantic tone, swallowing painfully.
And before he could hear Dale respond, before that stunned silence after his words could be interrupted, Nick was scrambling to his feet and tossing away his equipments, dashing out of the house for much needed air.
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Bree relaxed into the mattress of her bed, sparing a glance at the vacant one across from hers, against the wall of the other end of her dorm room.
Her dorm room, not theirs. Because there was nobody else to share it with. Not anymore.
The sound of the washroom door opening snapped Bree out of her trance, and she tilted her head to see Claire stepping out, her face damp after scrubbing away the day's makeup.
"You look fresh," Bree commented, lifting a brow and knowing exactly what Claire's response is going to be.
"Don't tell me," Claire grumbled. "I hate washing my face in the night -- it wakes me up completely and then I can't just go and drop down in my bed because sleep won't come easy anymore."
Bree laughed softly, propping her elbow on the bed and using her arm to support her chin. "So don't wear makeup then."
"Are you crazy?" Claire rolled her eyes, stopping in front of the small dresser Bree and Mel used to share, and applying her moisturiser on her face. "I hate going about my day with a naked face. You need to look pleasant, even if it's just for lectures, you know." She patted her cheeks and rubbed upwards in circular motions, "besides, it's just the light, natural look I go for. So it doesn't do much damage long term -- as long as I clean it off at the end of the day."
"Fifty bucks if you do a heavy makeover tomorrow," Bree grinned, "smokey eyes, hooker lips, the works."
"Can't put a price on my dignity, Bree," Claire returned smoothly, catching Bree's eyes in the reflection and shooting her a grin.
Bree tried to smile back at that, she did. But something about Claire's effortless comeback reminded her of Nick's own sharp tongue and quick wit. And so her lips fell at the corners, an unpleasant feeling washing through her instead.
"What's up?" Claire asked nonchalantly, but Bree could feel her best-friend's eyes linger on her rather than attend to the nightly skincare routine.
Bree pushed her tongue against the inside of her cheek, the wheels in her head whirring to life slowly as she mulled her words over. "Don't... Don't judge me, okay?"
"My judgement is reserved for those who have none of their own," Claire rolled her eyes, "not my best girl."
Bree's lips twitched and she pushed herself into a sitting position, watching as Claire unscrewed the dropper from a bottle that contained face oil.
"Nick and I kind of kissed," Bree confessed, holding her breath.
The dropper slipped from Claire's fingers and clattered against the dresser. "What do you mean you and Nick kind of kissed?!"
Bree lifted her shoulders a few inches and spread her hands out innocently. "You know, kissed," she emphasised with a tilt of her head, "mouth against mouth. Lips against lips--"
Claire made a gagging noise and began shaking her head frantically, "please don't."
"You asked," Bree returned matter-of-factly, hiding her smile.
"Questions like those don't warrant a literal response!" Claire hissed, her hand landing against her chest as she stared at Bree like she didn't know her anymore.
"Don't look at me like that," Bree murmured, flickering her eyes away.
"This isn't judgement," Claire told her quickly. "I'm just... processing."
"It was just a kiss -- nothing to process."
"Just a kiss," Claire snorted, appearing to somewhat recover when she reached for the fallen dropper and began wiping it against her blouse. "Right. Since when are you the kind to just hand out casual kisses?" She squirted face oil into the tips of each finger and then began massaging her face. "Cut the crap,Bree."
It both deflated and warmed Bree that her best-friend knew her well enough.
"I have to reduce it to that though," Bree explained, "because I don't think there'll be a second."
Claire's eyes didn't leave hers through the mirror, even as her fingers kept smoothening the skin on her cheeks and forehead. "What happened?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"I'll just pretend the guy isn't Nick... for now." Claire turned around and made for Bree's bed, setting across her with an ankle tucked under her knee.
"So..." Bree inhaled and pursed her lips. "You know how he's on probation, yeah?"
"Because he all but beat up a guy to near death?" Claire raised a brow, causing Bree to squeeze her eyes shut tight. "Yeah, that I know."
"Don't," Bree's throat tightened and her voice turned hoarse, "don't speak about him like that. Please."
Something must have slipped through Bree's voice or expression, because she saw Claire's eyes soften a few notches and the defensive posture in her shoulders dropped.
"I'm not trying to imply that I know more about Nick's past than I'm letting on," Claire said in a kinder tone, "or that I think he's a stone-cold criminal." And then she reached forward and placed a warm hand on Bree's knee. "Maybe in his eyes, he felt justified in doing what he did. Maybe there are others who agree with his view. And you know what, maybe the reasoning behind his actions are pretty strong... But that doesn't change the fact that the guy is capable of such an intense level of violence, Bree. The only difference between you and me, is that I don't see him through... well, I don't have feelings that cloud my perspective. You know?"
"I know," Bree nodded and swallowed. "Would it be a pretty terrible thing to say that while I hope he never resorts to violence again, I still feel for him the same way?"
"No," Claire said softly, "it means you're just being true to who you are -- and that's the most anyone can be; true to themselves." She shrugged, a corner of mouth lifting. "You can see past that while I tend to view things through a more... black and white lens. I can see cold hard facts without letting emotions get in the way -- that's who I am. And sometimes that means I come off as accusatory, or even aggressive, but as long as I'm not spreading hate, I won't apologise for the beliefs I hold."
"I'm not asking you to apologise for who you are, Claire," Bree smiled, "and I never will. Even if your means are questionable, your endgame has always been to protect me and prioritise me. Can't argue with that."
"Okay, don't get sentimental on me now," Claire rolled her eyes and leant back, retracting her hand from Bree's knee. "Now, tell me. What about Nick?"
"I thought you were going to pretend the guy wasn't Nick?"
"Baby steps."
Bree bit back her smile and cleared her throat instead. "Well, basically, he doesn't want to start anything between us because he's not planning to stick around... He doesn't want for us to get involved because this life here is apparently temporary for him."
Claire looked plain confused. "What the hell does that mean?"
Bree shrugged. She'd never asked, anyway.
"I mean," Claire started, sitting up straighter, "is he planning to move?"
"Maybe after the probation?" Bree suggested. "It always felt like that, with the way he spoke of it."
"His contract with the library comes to a close in a few months... Which means that's when his probation is ending and he's no longer required to do public service." Claire raised both her eyebrows. "So he's leaving just as we started college?"
Bree frowned to herself, "that makes no sense..."
"Exactly. If it was just the completion of his probation term he wanted, he could've done that without starting college here and having to transfer. He might as well have taken a gap year and then started college once he moved after the probation."
"So maybe..." Bree scratched the side of her head, "maybe he's moving after college, then?"
Claire shot her a flat look. "That makes even less sense, Bree. We're only freshmen. We have three and a half more years to be done with college! A lot can happen within that time -- why the hell would he push you away if he's leaving years later?"
None of it made sense now. Where had Bree's head been at all this while? Why was she always so damn oblivious?
She vaguely recalled a moment where Nick had told her she didn't pay much attention to the things that surround her -- a trait of hers that'd begun to change once her feelings for Nick continued to grow. Because suddenly, she had started paying attention to every minute detail about him. He'd called it endearing, back then. She wasn't so confident about that right now, though.
And still, despite the disconcerting revelation, Bree knew that she wasn't feeling the way someone was supposed to feel in this situation.
"You didn't ask him any of this...?" Claire questioned in a perplexed tone, staring hard at Bree.
"No," Bree shook her head. "Didn't really cross my mind."
Claire blinked. Then again. "O-okay."
There was a long stretch of uncomfortable silence. Claire seemed like she wanted to say more but kept changing her mind about it.
"I remember when your parents got divorced," Claire suddenly said, making Bree's eyes snap to her with surprise.
"What?"
"Your dad left and then settled in San Francisco," Claire went on, "then moved in with the woman whose name I've forgotten."
"I really don't see the point in this conversation." Bree's frown was a touch harder now.
"And then your highschool sweetheart, Hayden," Claire pointed out, "your first serious boyfriend."
"Claire."
"I remember when he had to move away because of his father's job offer, and how he broke off ties with you because he didn't believe in long distance relationships."
Bree didn't even dignify it with a response this time.
"The men in your life seem to always pack up and leave," Claire said in a cautious tone. "And because you hardly ever analyse your feelings or dig deep into your emotions, I'm going to ask you something that probably never even occurred to you."
Bree still didn't respond, feeling a tightness in her chest she didn't want to feel and too angry at Claire to react. She didn't even know why she was angry. Her best-friend hadn't done anything wrong, had she?
"Is that why you seem so... accepting of the fact that Nick won't be sticking around?" She asked quietly. "Is that why you're content with not having all the answers from him? Why you're so okay with being clueless and left in the dark? Because you don't see the point of getting too deeply involved when he's only just going to up and leave one day?" Claire's eyes watered the slightest bit, "do you... Do you think these are the only kinds of relationships to exist? Where someone is always leaving?"
Claire ran a hand up her face and down her hair. "You're not even that upset, are you? Disappointed, maybe. But not sad. I've seen you sad and heartbroken before. And you're neither right now." She swallowed, the gulp audible to Bree's ears. "You can't be sad because you never expected a future with him, did you? This was all it came down to, for you."
That tightness in Bree's chest kept building, and she could feel her heartbeats right next to her ears.
"What?" She asked in a croaky voice, too stunned to speak.
"You can't love someone with half a heart, Bree. You can't love someone at almost."
"I don't love him," Bree was quick to say. "I have feelings for him, the way he does for me. But love..." She shook her head, "we're not in love with each other."
"I didn't say you're in love with him," Claire said gently, "how can you be? You'll never let yourself fall when you're so convinced nothing lasts. But you don't have to be in love with someone to love someone, Bree."
"Okay," Bree shrugged, "then I guess I do love him. The way I love you, the way I love Dale. Except, with Nick, I also have feelings for him. And because it's just feelings and not me being in love with him, I'll be okay in the end."
"You'll be okay in the end?" Claire repeated, stunned. "In the end? You really can't see it, can you?" She blinked hard at Bree. "You've convinced yourself that you'll always be left behind that it's nothing but natural for you to hear of Nick leaving one day."
"And what's so bloody wrong about that, Claire?" Bree snapped, making Claire flinch. "As long as he's here, I'm giving him whatever he wants from me. And then when he leaves, he leaves. And I'd have seen it coming." She threw her hands into the air, the gesture almost aggressive. "It'll sting at first, but then I'll move on. It's not like I'm hurting him or breaking his heart. He's the one doing the leaving! Not me!"
She laughed dryly, "In fact, there are no two people better suited for each other. He's prepared himself to pack up and leave one day -- and I've prepared myself to stay and be left behind. Nobody's losing."
"Do you even hear yourself?"
"It's logic, Claire. Simple as that."
"This isn't one of your engineering lectures, Bree," Claire muttered, "you don't apply logic to emotions. It'll only backfire."
"Claire," Bree exhaled heavily, letting her eyes shut briefly, "I know to keep my feelings in check, the same way he does. I'm not going to fall in love with him, the same way he knows not to let himself go and fall for me." She opened her eyes and stared into Claire's. "Okay? No one's falling in love."
"Until someone does," Claire said. "But don't worry, Bree, I'll be there to pick up the pieces. Just like when your dad left, just like when Hayden left." She sounded angry, but Bree didn't make a move to stop her as she climbed off the bed. "Now, if you don't mind, this conversation has been a little draining -- and I think I'll go get my sleep now."
After a few seconds of hesitation, Claire leaned down and pecked the top of Bree's head, and then made for the door of the dorm room, leaving Bree to her pounding heart and restless mind.
This was why Bree never dug into the very foundations of her feelings, always choosing to dwell on the surface of them instead. This was why.
But Claire had brought everything out into the open -- and Bree didn't know how to look past everything she'd tried to suppress since the beginning anymore.
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thank you for reading<3
also, her dad wasn't shown much before because while Bree does keep contact with him (phone conversations that I didn't include), she chooses not to let her thoughts wander to that particular aspect of her life -- and her perspective only shows you her thought stream, nothing else
+ Hayden too, wasn't a sudden addition. She just blocks any thoughts to do with him because she doesn't like feeling negative emotions -- which is why the very first mention of him is in Chapter 29, when Alec approaches Bree and it leads to her feeling intensely angry (which goes to show that she associates those emotions with Hayden, hence the reason she blocks it from her mind frequently)
there's been several occasions when its been mentioned in passing how Bree doesn't really self-analyse much, but I've seen so many comments saying "but Bree does overthink"
...but as this chapter just revealed, over thinking her growing intense feelings for Nick is very, VERY different to analysing herself and digging deep into what effects her the most :)