the weight of the world is love under the burden of solitude.
[two months after the epilogue]
Kaycee was alone in the world with her daughter. If she were, to be honest, now she could see that in reality, it had been like so from the start, it had always been just the two of them from the moment she figured she was pregnant to all the others after.
The baby girl wasn't planned, in fact, Kaycee wasn't even to continue in her relationship if it wasn't for the pregnancy because she was done lying to herself. Yes, she had been in love with her husband — by the time, boyfriend — at some point, but then that weekend happened and everything changed.
She went to Australia for a dance workshop with her partner and best friend, and in that week she learned how being loved felt like and she really enjoyed it — they've made a mistake that felt good and when she went back home she was going to fix it, she was ready to end everything with her boyfriend but then a pregnancy test got in the way, then an engagement and a wedding a few months after.
To get married to Gabe was a thought move, a way to try to make things work and it was what everyone said they should do, so she married the boyfriend she didn't love and watched who she really loved moving to the other side of the world, as a way to be away from her.
They vowed to never talk about that weekend with anyone and to really keep their distance from each other to give it a fair chance for her to build her family and for him to forget about her. And since then, she has been feeling alone.
But up until this moment, it was only a feeling — she got home from the marketplace with her baby wrapped to her body in a sling and some bags in hand, she found it weird how quiet the house was because Gabe was supposed to be home by now.
She left the groceries on the kitchen countertop as she walked through the house, shouting for her husband to try and find him, gaining no response back. As she walked inside their bedroom she noticed that the closet's doors were open and a note over the bed — she didn't even need to read the note to know that his side of the closet was empty.
He was gone and now the feeling of being alone wasn't just a feeling anymore, he left her and her daughter without even trying to say goodbye — in the note, he said that he couldn't do it in person because it was too painful, he said that he loved Jia but he couldn't keep going in this relationship when he felt like she didn't love him anymore.
She wanted to scream in anger but she didn't because it would wake up the baby in her arms, she went back downstairs and called her best friend, that was there in her house in less than ten minutes.
"Oh my god, honey what happened?" Tahani asked as soon as the door opened because Kaycee's eyes were drowning in the tears she was trying to hold.
"He's gone!" She said angry but without raising her voice because her daughter was still wrapped around her, and the little girl was the one thing keeping her sane. "He waited for us to be out, then he packed all his things and left."
Tahani didn't seem surprised. "I telling you that he left me and you don't look a bit surprised?"
The other took a deep breath and pulled Kaycee to sit with her on the couch. "This won't be easy for you to hear but... Josh said that he saw him and Tati together last weekend, at the workshop in New York, like really together. And he thinks it might be something that it's going on for a while now."
Kaycee was in shock at her friend's words. "I can't believe this, I can't believe he would do that to me... to us." She talked about her and her daughter. "Since when do you know this?"
"Josh told me yesterday, I was waiting to see you in person to tell you I just didn't imagine that he would leave you guys before that. I mean, he saw that Josh saw them so he probably decided to leave before one of us could tell you." She said as she held Kaycee's hand on hers. "I'm so sorry."
A tear fell from her eyes, she wasn't sad, she was mad. She spent the last year and so pretending and hurting herself for nothing — her baby fuzzed in her arms and she put her down to crawl, and as she looked at her daughter she calmed herself a bit because it wasn't for nothing, she did for her little girl.
"I don't know what to do now." She said, relaxing her body on the couch. "I can't believe I'm a twenty-four years old single mom -- this wasn't what planned for my life."
"Being honest, you had always been a single mom... He loves Jia but he never treated her as his own daughter." Tahani said. "Of course it won't be easy at first, but I think you can do this and that you are better on your own anyway."
"I wanted her to have a family so bad, I loving family as I did." She said getting emotional.
"She has you giving her all the love she needs and she has your family, and all of our friends, and the best godmother in the world and I'm talking about me, not Bails." They both laughed as Tahani talked about herself. "A loving family? I think she's pretty covered in that matter."
Her friend held her hand. "Kobe and I can babysit whenever you need and you can start giving classes again. Jia, it's nine months, we can find her a daycare maybe too, the thing is: you are not alone."
Kaycee smiled at her friend, giving her a quick hug as a thank you -- she had never been someone to ask for help, she had always handled her problems on her own so it was frightful having to open up about her life and allowing herself to be helped.
The first month as a single mother wasn't easy: she faced Jia being really sick for the first time, the dilemma of finding a daycare that she enjoyed and trusted, she went back into teaching a few days of the week and also signed the divorce papers — she didn't saw her ex-husband in person, the whole process happened via mail, and he didn't try to look for her or her daughter which in part she was thankful for.
Being alone with her daughter was better than how she was feeling lonely when he was around, however, even though she had the support of her family and friends it was yet tough to be home and have no one to talk to at all.
"There you go." She said as she sat her daughter in the baby chair, it was almost seven pm and she was about to feed the little girl when the doorbell rang. "Hm, who dares to get in the way of this little monster and her food?"
She said while making funny faces, leading her daughter to giggle while she buckled her to the chair. "let's buckle you so I can go see who it is."
Once she opened the door she was got by surprise by her two best friends walking in, both dressed for the night. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Hi, love of my life." Bailey didn't answer as she went straight to hold Jia in her arms, ignoring Kaycee completely — she was used to it, after having her daughter she learned that people always go to the baby first.
"We are taking you out," Tahani answered after kissing the baby in Bailey's arms.
"Excuse me?" Kaycee asked.
"You need a break from being a mommy, you need to see the world outside in something other than leggings and a messy bun, you need to talk with grown human beings," Bailey said before using her baby voice to talk with Jia. "No offense cutie, you know I love you."
"Anyway as Bailey was saying, we found you a babysitter, she had the best reviews on the website and she's gonna be here in half an hour." Explained Tahani.
"Which means we have half an hour to make you look less sad mommy and more hot mommy." Said Bailey, making the others laugh.
"You guys are crazy, I was about to feed Jia, it's almost her bedtime and I'm not going out." She said walking to get her baby but Bailey gave her to Tahani.
"That's why T it's gonna feed our angel and we're gonna go upstairs so I can fix you." Kaycee opened her mouth to argue. "Don't even try to fight me Kaycee Rice, we are going out and there's no discussion."
"Look who sounds like a mom, now." She joked.
Kaycee didn't leave the house without a long list of instructions to the teenager who was going to babysit her daughter — she left with her heart in her hands since it was the first time she was being away from Jia, but even though it was sad she also was aware that she needed that. She needed some time with her girls.
But it turned out that it wasn't it just the girls, as they walked inside the pub she saw the rest of her friends sitting at a table, drinking and laughing — the girl's boyfriends, Ken and Kobe, Julian and Chloe, Josh and his girlfriend and some other guy.
The back of his hair was all she could see and at first, it didn't say anything to her but as she was getting closer her hands began to sweat and her stomach to create some crazy butterflies, and there was only one person on the planet that had the ability to deconstruct her like that — so she stopped, and her friends stopped too as soon as they noticed the Kaycee wasn't by their side anymore.
"Caml down and don't be mad with us," Tahani said.
"What is he doing here?" She asked, feeling her stomach wrap.
"Well here at the pub or here in Los Angeles?" Bailey asked. "Here at the pub I assume that he came for a bear with his friends and here in Los Angles, I believe that it is because it's where he lives now... supriseee." She joked, nervous, and awkwardly.
"What? since when?" She was confused, how could he be back without her knowing about it?
"Way to tell, Bails," Tahani said hitting the other's arm. "He still in the process of moving but he came back a week ago, he's trying to open a studio with Julian. We didn't tell anything because... well, we didn't really know how things were between you two. If you want to go home..."
"Hell to that, she ain't going home." Bailey interrupted. "I don't care what shenanigan crap happened between you and Mrs. Perfect but forget about him, you are here to have some good time with your friends so let's all relax and have some fun."
Bailey was right, she needed some time to relax so she took a deep breath and walked to the table with them. All of her friends screamed in happiness when they saw that she was actually there because it had been a long time since she hung out with them.
She said hi to everyone but from a distance so she wouldn't have to be close to him, she sat beside Bailey and across from him, they crossed gazes and she hated how her cheeks burned as if she was seventeen.
They ate some food and drank some beer, except for Kaycee cause she didn't want to get home to her daughter smelling like alcohol and Sean and Julian because they were driving.
As the night went on everyone ended up on the karaoke or at the pool tables — except for Kaycee who kept herself on the table with her phone in her hands in case the babysitter decided to call.
He knew she was going to be there, Julian had warned him but no warning in the world could have prepared him to see her in person again -- she was still as beautiful as she had always been and he was still as in love as he remembered, maybe even more somehow.
"We are losing and Josh learned how to play just now." Said Julian standing by his side, they were playing against Josh and his girlfriend.
"Hm." He answered without listening or drifting his eyes from her.
"Man, go talk to her." Sean thought about arguing but his friend kept going. "She's single, you're back in LA, there's nothing in your way."
"You know it's not that easy, Jules... there's the whole situation with- " He said and his friend sighed, interrupting him.
"Just go for it and think about the rest later." He advised.
He took a deep breath, gain somewhat courage, and gave his pool stick to his friend before going back to the table — surprising her as he sat down by her side.
"Won't try the karaoke? You suck at it but I remember you loved." He said with a goofy smile on his lips making her laugh a little, but she didn't answer so they fell in silence as she went back to staring at her phone. "Waiting for some call?"
She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "It's the first time I'm going out without Jia, the first time she's with a babysitter, and me just..."
"I get it." He said, placing his hand on top of hers that was over the table as if it was a natural thing that they were used to do -- it gave them goosebumps. "I would be freaking out too."
She relaxed at his touch. "I'm sure she's fine, she ate, I left her sleeping and gave the girl all the numbers she needed... I know there's no reason for me to be going crazy but still." She sighed once more. "my heart it's tight on my chest, you know? telling me to go home."
He nodded. "Then why don't you go?"
She looked around to find her friends having fun at the karaoke machine. "They are having fun, I'm not gonna end the night for them because I can't be away from my ten months old daughter."
He squeezed her hand lightly, for her to look at him. "I take you."
Kaycee thought about telling him no, thought about calling herself an uber but then she remembered that she had no reason to keep him away from her, so she just nodded.
He paid for what they consumed even after she fought to pay for her part. They didn't say goodbye to their friends because she didn't want to disturb them with the fact that she needed to be with her daughter.
And for the first time in almost two years, they were alone with each other and she tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when he placed his warm hand in her lower back, as they walked out of the pub.
She guided him to her house and they got there in no time. During the whole way, she thought about how she was going to say goodbye to him or if she was going to ask him inside, but as he parked in her garage way she heard her baby crying -- she didn't even say a word to him, she jumped out of the car and run to inside her house only to find her daughter crying hysterically in the babysitter's arms.
"Oh my God, baby come here." She held her daughter strongly as she tried to calm both of them down.
"I'm sorry, I tried to call you but it kept saying that it was out of signal and she couldn't stop crying." The teenager said, nervous too.
To be honest, Kaycee wasn't even aware of the presence of the babysitter or that Sean had followed her inside, she just wanted her baby to stop crying. She took a deep breath and hummed some lullaby.
"She's feeling warm, I'm gonna check her temperature." And just like that, she went upstairs, forgetting the other two.
"I'm really sorry, sir." The girl said to Sean, startling him.
He smiled softly at the teenager trying to reassure her that it wasn't her fault. "I'm sure it's everything alright, don't worry."
As Sean stayed downstairs with the babysitter, Kaycee took her daughter's temperature and she had a fever but nothing to be scared about. She gave the baby a bit of medicine and kept Jia in her arms as she hummed her a song.
"I'm so sorry, love. Sorry that mommy wasn't here." She said as both she and the baby slowly started to calm down. Then she heard a knock on the opened door of her daughter's room.
"Is she alright?" He asked softly as she turned to him.
She forgot that he was there, his soft eyes on her made her feel calmer. "She has a bit of a fever but I already gave her medicine... I'm so sorry I jumped out of your car like that."
"Don't worry about it." He said.
"Oh my, the babysitter." She remembered, widen her eyes.
"It's alright, I've paid and called her an uber." He said and she looked at him in disbelief.
"Sean, you didn't have to." She said about to argue but he interrupted her.
"You had more important things to take care of, of you, can pay me back later if you want." He said kindly and she just nodded.
They stayed in silence for a few minutes, without knowing what to do or to say next as she still hummed her baby in her arms and he kept himself by the door. Without losing the other's gaze — then she talked.
"Wanna meet her?" She asked almost as a whisper, he nodded with a soft smile on his lips as he walked to them. Jia was quiet in her arms because she was tired of crying, but she was still awake as Kaycee turned so Sean could see her face. "Sean, meet Jia."
Sean let out a sigh as his eyes meet the little girl's face, smashed against her mother's shoulder. The girl looked like a mini version of Kaycee with some dark but curly locks, hazel eyes, and rosy cheeks — and maybe it was his wish to have a family with Kaycee but he could swear that he found Jia to look a bit like him too.
"She's beautiful, kayc... as her name already says." He said, talking about the meaning of the girl's name without losing his gaze from the baby and making Kaycee smile. "Can I hold her?"
"Of course," Kaycee said as she held Jia to him, and to her surprised the baby easily snugged herself to him as she was with Kaycee a second before.
"Hi, beautiful." He said in the softest voice ever, flashing his dimples to the baby as he smiled. For some reason he had tears in his eyes, it was crazy for him how much he loved this tiny little thing that he was meeting for the first time.
Kaycee felt like crying too, seeing him there holding her child was everything she ever wanted. It was supposed to be like that, that was how she dreamed her life to be ever since she was a teenager in love with her best friend, and all of the mess they've made/put themselves into forced them to forget about it.
However, the thing was that there was something in that scene that filled both of their chests with a warmth that has been unknown to them for a long time, it was as if they were breathing the purest air and a weight had been lifted from their shoulders — suddenly the world didn't felt as lonely.
***
for those who already read this part in 'songs about us,' I didn't change much but there are some new things, so you might wanna read again if you like.
love yall
(please don't forget to comment and vote if you liked 💛🌼)