Chapter 22 ― Mila
We spent the day out, as it was Louis’ birthday and we all had to do whatever he wanted. Not quite a smart idea. That boy was insane and coming from me, that was something to say. On the bright —or maybe not bright but dangerous— side, Moni and the Doncaster boy seemed to get along perfectly. If he wanted to go running in the street and scare people, my friend would be the first to join him excitedly. And they did that, playing a whole dramatic scene in the middle of the main street. Luckily, there weren’t too many people but Alex recorded the whole thing and decided it was YouTube worth it. Worst part? Moni made me appear, dragging me into the whole game. What did they do? A recreation of The Avengers, and I ended up being Loki. I loved that part, I just hated the fact that I was going to be in a video. I had to stop Alex from doing that and if that meant black mailing, I was up for that.
Later that day and as a way to repay for the disastrous night we had, Alex and Moni had to make dinner for all of us and a cake for Louis. We weren’t doing much for his birthday besides spending it together. The next day it was Christmas morning and we were going to exchange presents that day, including the ones for Louis’ birthday.
During the whole day I avoided Zayn shamelessly. I was so embarrassed for what happened the night before, the things I did and said. I couldn’t believe I blurted out that to him and I knew he wanted to talk about it despite I told him to forget about it. Every time our eyes met accidentally, I could see his desire to come and talk to me, and every time I turned around to talk to Harry or Moni, whoever was closer. Even Phebs whom I talked a lot about my stories and who made me promise that I was going to write during these days in Harry’s bungalow.
Dinner was great. Moni wasn’t exactly the cook girl despite she loved food. She just hated to think about what to cook, but if you gave her orders about what you wanted, she could be really great. Now Alex and Moni together in the kitchen could do magic. We all were witnesses of that miracle and Niall almost cried of sheer happiness. Alex made a chocolate cake just for the birthday boy and Eleanor helped her. She was a nice girl, I liked her.
As almost no one got sleep the night before, we were all so tired and we felt so lame for wanting to go to bed before midnight, but you could see the tired expressions in everyone’s faces. Niall was almost falling asleep on Alex lap —we all were in the living room watching a comedy, for safety measures—, Phebs fighting to keep her eyes open, Liam almost losing his own fight, Harry cuddling against Louis who had Eleanor at the other side. The only ones who were really paying attention to the movie were Moni and Alex, the ones who had some sleep the night before.
“I’m going for something to drink. Can you come with me? I need to talk to you,” asked Zayn who was next to me. When did he get there? Last time I saw him he was in the floor next to Liam and Phebs.
“Uh, um… I’m okay,” I replied avoiding his deep gaze and trying to focus on what Ryan Reynolds —one of Moni’s husbands— was doing in the movie with Sandra Bullock. Man, my friend loved this movie.
“Please,” he begged and I groaned. I didn’t want to go with him because I knew it meant an awkward conversation and I wasn’t in the mood for that. “I really need to talk to you. Five minutes.”
“Okay,” I gave in as I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn’t miss Alex’s grin when she saw us leaving the room. We got into the kitchen and I turned around to face him. Better finish with this now. “So, what do you wanna talk about?” I inquired even when I had a pretty good idea what was the topic of this conversation.
He walked towards me stopping only when a few centimetres were between our bodies. I ignored the knot in my stomach and the way my heart raced. “About what you told me last night,” he said his eyes on me and I couldn’t look away even though I tried.
“I asked you to forget about that. It was something I told you ‘cos I was scared,” I replied still with my eyes locked on his.
“I can’t do that,” he said flatly and my heart did a stupid flip-flop in my chest. Since when my heart decided it was a gymnastic? “You know why?” He questioned and I shook my head ever so lightly. “Because you’re wrong, and I can’t let you believe that when it’s not true.”
My heart literally skipped a beat. I was surprised because he seemed so determined in front of me, his eyes so sure and his whole body posture was screaming he knew he was right about this, but he couldn’t. I knew it. I saw it. He had said it before.
I couldn’t be wrong. He compared me to Alex before, he smiled in this lovely way when he saw us together and I could see his dreamy look when he set his eyes on my friend and then looked at me, longing for something he couldn’t have. He wasn’t fooling me.
“I’m right,” I told him raising my chin, stubbornly. “You do compare me to Alex. You don’t see me, you only see how similar we are yet you fail at see what makes me different. So don’t try to lie to me, Zayn,” I added and he had this humourless grin on his face.
“I see you, Mila. Yes, at the beginning I couldn’t help notice how similar you two are, but I got to know you better. I see you, this strong yet fragile girl who’s scared at night after a horror movie, who can be so stubborn sometimes, who loves football with such a passion, who can be so childish sometimes, who loves pink and can act like a princess sometimes,” he laughed and I blushed. Damn Moni for telling those stories and mocking me for being girly. “You do have things in common with Alex, but you’re so different from her at the same time. I see that.”
I was speechless. My heart was beating so fast and the knot in my stomach changed into this tingling sensation. The way he was looking at me left me out of breath but I couldn’t just accept that. Maybe he started to see the real me, maybe he started to notice the differences, but I knew, I still could see he had feelings for Alex.
I hated the fact that I hated he still had those feelings.
“Mila,” he said raising his hand to cup my cheek but I just shoved it off. I didn’t want him to touch me because, simply, I wasn’t sure what effect that would have on me.
“Good you realised it and keep that in mind, Zayn. I’m not Alex, I will never be her.” And it hurt that what he wanted was Alex and not me. Oh fuck, why did I have to have these emotions inside? “I don’t know what you want from me telling me all this. I’m not what you want, now if you excuse me,” I said trying to walk past him but he stopped me by grabbing my wrist. A whole shiver went up down my body leaving this tingling sensation, the same I still had in my stomach.
“What do you think I want?” He asked and I shrugged him off forcefully.
“Alex. That’s what you want and as you know now, too, I’m not her,” I snapped, my chest was aching and I kind of hated him for making me feel this way, so frustrated because he wanted someone who was taken, someone who didn’t want him back. Why was he so stupid?
I turned around with all these dark emotions inside of me. Anger, jealousy, sadness, frustration, discomfort…
I heard him calling my name but I just ignored him. I would have preferred if he still couldn’t see the real me, because it hurt more that he —even knowing I was another person, a different girl— still wanted Alex. Only Alex.
Damn Zayn.
+ + + + +
“I hate Zayn!” I exclaimed throwing my hands in the air and pacing in the room. Moni was in the bed with a book in her hands and when I said this, she looked up a few seconds before rolling her eyes.
“Mila dear, you don’t hate him. You fancy him. So stop lying and trying to ruin my OTP,” she replied her eyes still moving on the page reading the words from a new story. “Ugh! Stupid author! How can she do this to me! Not Jack, my lovely Jack!” She screamed louder than me closing the book and throwing it at the end of the bed. She grabbed her head and messed with her hair like I just said nothing. I looked at her in disbelief. “Why? Uh? And Becca just dropped the race! No more Mystery! Now everyone is going to know that she’s a woman!” She kept rambling and I just stood there, looking between her and the book. Love Race, by some Bel Watson. Apparently, a new author my friend found.
“Moni, I’m having serious issues here and you’re crying over a book?” I inquired incredulously.
“Yes, I am because you are having ‘serious issues’ because you’re in denial. You don’t wanna accept what is happening. You don’t hate Zayn,” she stated again looking me in the eyes. “Meanwhile, this bitch,” she pointed at the book, “hit me right in the feelings!”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. That day Moni wasn’t helping. “Moni, I’m serious here. Focus for a moment, please?” I asked and something in my voice must had given her a clue that I really needed her because her expression changed and she palmed the bed next to her for me to sit.
I went to her and we were face to face. She took my hands and looked at me asking me to tell everything I wanted to say. I took a deep breath before blurting out everything I had inside.
“No, I don’t hate him but I sorta do at the same time. I hate what he makes me feel, I hate that I hate he wants Alex! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Moni! I’m not like this, I don’t feel like this. Never! Tell me what’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way? Why it hurts me that he wants to be with Alex? That he’s not over her?” I asked and there was a slight hysteric note in my voice and I hated it so deeply.
Moni rubbed the back of my hands and looked at me with so much intensity and I knew she was looking for the right words to say.
“No joking this time, Mila, you fancy him. That’s why it hurts you, because you want him to want you, to like you the way he likes Alex. I know this is new for you, this wanting someone when you haven’t had anything with him before,” she told me and her words were like a slap. I knew for her tone she wasn’t joking, she wasn’t trying to mock me and that she was honest.
Moni knew me better than myself and when she was using that tone…
“I don’t wanna fancy him. It doesn’t feel good!” I whined and she squeezed my hands. “I don’t like this, Moni. Do something!” I begged, but what could she do? Her sympathetically smile told me she couldn’t do anything.
“You wanna know what I think?” She told me sweetly and I nodded ever so lightly. “I think you two would be great together. There’s something when you two look at each other that it’s special. I haven’t seen you looking at someone the way you look at him. When I say you two are my OTP, I truly mean it. And I’m sure he’s not that into Alex anymore. Have you seen how he looks at her now? It’s different and he’s more concerned about you,” she told me and I just bit my lower lip, not knowing what to say. “When you came here after your conversation with him in the kitchen, he was in the sofa, all the time looking at the stairs, like hoping for you to come down or dying to go after you, again. You think he noticed Alex next to him?” She questioned and I shrugged. “He didn’t. Mila, probably this time you’re not seeing everything and you’re kinda scared for all that is happening to you with him. I think you should open your eyes and really see the way he looks at you. Now promise me you’re gonna try to give an opportunity to everything you’re feeling. Stop denying your feelings,” she requested and I swallowed with difficulty.
Suddenly, that felt like it was too much. But she was right, I trusted her and maybe she was right. Maybe I had to give an opportunity to what I was feeling instead of shutting the door and denying everything.
“I promise,” I told my friend with a little smile and she smiled back brightly giving me a hug that I replied holding her tight.
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Dedication for @foolishly_me because I loved your comment on the last chapter.
Bel, xx