| Chapter 34 |
| in another life |
Bree's eyes caught a splatter of ketchup she'd missed on the table she was almost done cleaning, when her eyes flickered towards the clock in the diner -- seven minutes past the closing time.
Wanting to wipe away the sticky stain before moving towards the diner's doors and begin locking up, Bree leant over the table and scrubbed at the sauce. The familiar chime of the door suddenly sounded, startling her in the dead silence and causing a sharp jolt in her chest.
"I'm sorry," she gasped out, flushing as her hand flew to her chest, "but we're closed..." Her voice died and the rest of her words turned to smoke in the air once her eyes met a familiar pair of amber ones.
"Not for me, I hope," Nick returned, lips twitching as he shut the diner's door, slid the bolts on the top and bottom into place, and then flipped the open sign to closed. He turned to Bree, slipping his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and taking lazy steps towards her. "Besides, it's not the food I'm here for."
"Wha..." Bree's breath caught, stuttered, then began rushing out in an abnormal pace. "What are you doing here? At this time?"
"I forgot to ask you to allocate a time slot for me, my sincerest apologies," he said dryly, not breaking eye contact as he came to a stop right in front of her. She didn't say anything right away, but it didn't appear like she needed to -- Nick simply stood a few breaths away from her, his head tilted down a small fraction and eyes searching her face like they were trying to memorise every single detail, from the narrow end of her eyebrows to the dainty nose to the baby hair still evident on her forehead.
"Hi," he said softly, his voice sounding like it was coming from somewhere deep in his chest. Bree's toes curled inwards and there was a sudden tug in the pit of her stomach.
"H-hey," she stuttered on the word. "Sorry, this is -- unexpected. I didn't..." Her eyes suddenly widened and she snapped her head downwards, glancing at the state she was in. "Oh god, I'm a mess!" She'd caught a glimpse of herself earlier; several strands of hair sticking out from the high bun, coffee stain on the front of her shirt, grease on her skirt, smear of sauce near her right cheek.
"You look exactly like you're supposed to look after a late shift at the diner," Nick told her seriously, before his eyes flickered a little to her side. His mouth twitched before it lifted into a slow, tiny smile, and then he raised his hand, letting his fingers brush all the stray strands of hair around her face. "You're such a fucking mess," he chuckled, the sound husky and deep. "I love it."
Bree's cheeks warmed over and she gently knocked his arm away. "I look like shit."
"Yes," his smile widened, "still love it."
Bree bit her lip and cast her eyes away, scratching her forehead as she took a step back. "Is there, um, anything you needed?"
"Does there need to be?" he asked quietly, and Bree's eyes found him once again, but he was no longer looking at her. Nick had his head tilted down to the side, one hand still in his pocket and Bree watched his other one move towards the table on which Bree's own hand rested. Nick's index finger traced the edge of the table until it stopped near Bree's palm, and then he was slowly trailing the tip of that finger over her hand, dragging it up her arm, his eyes following suit. "Couldn't I just want to see you?" he murmured, slowly lifting his chin to meet Bree's gaze.
"I thought you'd still be mad about Chase," she muttered, tearing her eyes away when the stare became too heavy. "You refused to listen to a single word I'd tried to say."
"Because there will be nothing you can say to change my mind," Nick told her, lifting one shoulder into a shrug. "What you did was insane. And stupid. And I will forever think so." Before Bree could respond, however, he stepped closer, and took a hold of her chin, their chests brushing together. He waited till she met his eyes. "But I also know that all my anger and frustration will never change your mind either," he mumbled, rubbing the skin beneath her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. "And that you'll continue thinking you did what was the only way out of the whole mess."
Bree blinked first, then smiled up at him, feeling touched at his acceptance of how their minds ran on completely separate tracks. "So we'll just agree to disagree?"
"Something like that," Nick sighed, his eyes completely engrossed with her lips, his burning stare never leaving her mouth as he spoke.
Bree wondered, for a moment, if he was going to kiss her again. She'd like that, maybe. Not maybe. Definitely.
But Nick didn't. He shut his eyes with a small sigh, opened them, offered her a tight smile and then dropped his hand, releasing her chin.
"You sleepy?" He asked her, sliding his hands back into the pockets.
She shook her head, "not anymore."
"Sure?" He asked, his tone firmer this time. "I'm one person you should feel free to be selfish around."
A smile played across Bree's lips as she ran her eyes over Nick's face. "You have no idea how selfish I actually am when it comes to you," she told him, in a voice that held both sincerity and amusement. "Let's hope it never comes to the point where you get to see it."
Nick let out a short chuckle and stepped back, lifting an eyebrow. "Sounds serious, Blondie."
"You don't know the half of it, Grumpy-Pants."
Nick's eyes widened, alarm flashing through them. "Grum-- what?!" His mouth opened and shut repeatedly, taken aback with the remark. "Hell no." He shook his head with a scowl, "I'm not even grumpy!"
"No, no, of course not," Bree grinned, "just mean and moody."
"I am not mean and moody," Nick scowled harder. And then, as an afterthought, he added: "though Dale might agree with you."
Bree smiled to herself at the thought and pulled out a chair from the table she'd been cleaning before Nick had interrupted her. "So," she said, seating herself down, "how's Dale?"
"Good," Nick muttered, shifting on his feet, and lingering by the table, not moving to take a seat. "He's good."
There was an awkward pause that hung in the air between them, one that made Bree rub the back of her neck as she propped an elbow on the table.
Did she ask him what he seemed to be so on the fence about? Did she better not acknowledge it? He was here for a reason, wasn't he? Or... or was it that maybe he just gave into the desire to see her?
Or was it what Bree had always known in the corner of her mind, in a tiny room inside her heart? That Nick had had a moment of weakness back then, during that night in his car -- and now he was struggling with that lapse in his resolve, with the fracture in his determination.
Bree knew, in his eyes, Nick had made a mistake. And as is in his nature, he was probably here to apologise. To repent. She could only wonder how long he'd spent beating himself up about it.
The exhilarated heartbeats she'd spent reminiscing the kiss, were painful hours he had spent regretting it. That much was abundantly clear, if anything.
"Don't do it," the words fell past Bree's lips, soft and pleading. "Don't call it a mistake."
She could take whatever he was here to say, she could -- just as long as he knew it wasn't a regret it in her eyes and didn't try to paint it that way. She didn't want him taking that away from her, so she went ahead and told him exactly that;
"I don't regret it," she said once his fidgeting had stopped and his head tilted towards her, not facing her but indicating he was paying attention to every syllable that fell from her lips. "Okay? I don't. I'd even go as far as calling it one of the best moments in my life so please--" she shut her eyes and inhaled shakily, "--please don't call it a mistake even though I know you regret it. Because that night is not just yours to label, but mine too. So don't take that away from me. Don't do it."
Nick's entire body appeared tensed, like a tightly winded string. Rigid. As if something was about to break, and he needed to be ready to pounce, to catch it before it shattered.
He slowly shifted his body around, so that his profile was more in Bree's line of sight, and then began moving towards the chair on the opposite side of the table she was seated at.
Bree watched as Nick sat himself down sideways, leaning his back against the wall and propping an arm across the back of his chair.
"I feel..." He stopped, his facial features slowly morphing into one marred with pain and something so much more intense that Bree couldn't name, "...dirty."
Bree blinked slowly, then leant away from the table's edge, sitting a little straighter and flattening her palms against the surface. "What?"
Nick swallowed, his forehead creasing and chin quivering ever so slightly. "I feel dirty," he whispered, his eyes cast down and not at her. As if he couldn't meet her eyes, not now.
Bree wasn't sure how to respond. She hadn't ever considered a scenario in which those three words would be the ones to come out his mouth.
"Why..." Her voice was equally quiet, a horrified hush. "Why would you feel... like that?"
He didn't respond right away, and then eventually, Bree saw his shoulders lift into the air before dropping back down in an utterly helpless shrug. He looked so at a loss. "Because I kissed you when I wasn't supposed to," he confessed, voice hoarse. "Because my resolve is supposed to be stronger than that -- I'm supposed to be stronger than that. I have to be." He swallowed again, audibly this time. "I feel like... like I..." He cocked his head to the side, furrowing his brows as if he was debating with himself. "Like I used you?" It sounded more like a question, a doubt. As if he himself wasn't certain. "Because I did want to kiss you, and I let myself finally do it, but I can't stop the nagging voice in my head that says it can't happen again -- and I know that's the right thing. To nip this in the bud before it grows into something much more serious."
His shoulders sagged against the wall like they were carrying the weight of two worlds and he slid a little lower in his chair, looking defeated. "But I didn't use you... I don't want that to be the case. I don't want that to be what's running through your mind." He inhaled deeply and let out the shaky breath. "Back then, that night, kissing you was the beginning, the middle and the end. I wasn't kissing you with the thought that it can never happen again, or that it was a one-time thing... I-I need you to know that. There was nothing on my mind in that moment but holding your face in my hands." His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, and he finally raised his chin, daring to meet Bree's eyes. "That wasn't all that I was looking for from you," he promised, the tone almost pleading. "I need to know that you know it wasn't all that I wanted from you. It's never been about that."
The silence was deafening, and Bree couldn't break the spell -- not yet. She was too stunned to speak. She hadn't expected this. Hadn't expected Nick to be so crestfallen about what his regret might make Bree feel.
She felt a pressure on her hand, and Bree was tugged out of her trance to find Nick's palm covering one of hers. "I don't want to be the guy who kisses you, calls it a mistake and then leaves you hanging." He squeezed her fingers gently, his skin rough where hers was soft. "It wasn't a mistake, because mistakes are accidents -- and kissing you was a choice." He took a deep breath, pressing his lips tight together, "but it was the wrong choice on my part. And that's not on you, Bree."
"Mistakes are also made in the heat of the moment," Bree countered, "not necessarily accidents -- but the things done out of pure emotion and without thought of the consequences." She smiled and subtly pulled her hand out from underneath his. "Some bad choices are mistakes, and it's okay to call them so, Nick... But thank you for not labeling this as one."
Bree glanced down at the tabletop as she clasped both hands together, moving them a few inches away from the reach of Nick's fingers. "You didn't kiss me -- we kissed each other." She raised her gaze to meet his earnest eyes. "And you gave me an out, one that I didn't take. So don't... don't do this to yourself. I don't want to be the reason you feel a little more lost. I don't want to be an added burden, an extra weight to the one you already carry on your shoulders."
She turned one of her palms outwards and began tracing circles in the centre of it with her other thumb. "Besides," she laughed lightly, though it sounded a little hollow to her ears, "I had a good idea of how things would play out... You were upfront about all that you are ever since the start, Nick." She shrugged, a small smile on her face, as helpless and defeated as the boy sitting across her. "But I didn't care because what I wanted in that moment was you -- I told you, Nick, I can be selfish when it comes to you." She removed her hands from the table and settled them on her lap, shrugging again. "I don't feel used, and I don't want you to feel dirty because you believe you took advantage... I gave you that part of me, you didn't take anything away."
Her hands ached to just reach out, for a brief moment. To cover his palm, for a few seconds. To hold his fingers and caress them, for a mere heartbeat. The need to do so burned through the tips of her own fingers.
But she held back.
Bree almost gave in to her impulses when it came to Nick, but she held herself right then.
"I told you earlier, Nick," she murmured, her voice growing tight, "you can't hurt me."
"I think I just did," he said softly, amber eyes burning into hers. And then his voice broke, "I did, didn't I?"
Bree shook her head adamantly, pressing her mouth into a thin line. "I put myself in this place," she told him. "I guess I just didn't know it'd feel like this."
"Like what?" He whispered.
"Like there's everything you want an arm's reach away, right in front of you," she said, "and--"
"--and no matter how much your heart runs toward it, your mind drags your feet in the opposite direction," Nick finished, pulling his own back now. "So now you're just torn in two, knowing you can have one or the other."
Bree offered him a smile that wobbled on her lips and made her vision blur slightly. She rested her head on the table, one side of her face pressing into the cool surface as she continued to gaze at him. "Sometimes I forget you feel for me as much as I do for you," she said in a low tone. "I hate that you're feeling the same pain as I am right now."
"And sometimes I forget that where I come from, there are consequences to holding someone so close to heart," he smiled sadly. "And I hate that that part of who I am has found a way to touch you too."
Bree let her eyes drift shut for a moment, letting her mind's eye envision a whole other picture. A whole other reality. They were at this same table, at this same diner, having a meal together, blending into the rest of the crowd and still feeling like they were the only two people in the world. She was happy, and so was he.
"In another time, in another place, Nick," she told him softly, her eyes still shut as images of that other life flitted through her mind.
"In an alternate version of this reality," he agreed with a sigh. "Yes, Bree. A hundred times yes."
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thank you for reading<3