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"jisung! watch out!" a particular little chinese boy yelled out.
"huh?"
"chenle no!" jisung jolts up from his sleep, taking a deep breath after not being able to. he felt like he was being suffocated. it happened every night. every time he slept. the same nightmare. it never goes away. it hasn't gone away for the past eleven years.
jisung looks around his lit room, from the sun shining through the windows. he rubs his face and runs a few strokes through his hair to keep it in place.
it was a monday which meant school.
probably one of jisungs worst thing to go to in the entire world. he'd rather stay inside his house and do absolutely nothing. thats just the way he is, or turned out to be...
he reaches over for his phone and read the time.
6:30 am,, i have 30 minutes.
jisung groans and drags himself off his comfy bed to wash up. after dressing into a decent outfit (he may not care but he didnt want to look like a hobo as well) and trudged downstairs where his mother had left him some pancakes. beside it was a small note:
sweety, ill be out for a month because of a business trip. please take care of yourself and eat. i love you.
sincerely, mom.
jisung sighed and sat down. it was often that his mother was rarely at home because of work. she tries to take some time off to have some quality time with his son. but usually he declines it. the boy began to slowly eat his breakfast as he wasn't that hungry. the time was going by fast and it was time for jisung to go to school.
he leaves some of his breakfast and grabs his backpack, heading out the door. he plugs in his earbuds and puts on his hoodie. soft songs play in his ear as it was one of his favored song genres.
he continued to walk to school, seeing students already walking into the building as well. when he entered, he immediately went to his classroom. he saw papers being thrown and girls gossiping. it was a daily thing.
"yah! mark ill continue to throw you paper until you give me my kiss." donghyuck threatened the oldest of their friend group. mark sighed and got up to give a sweet peck on the smallers lips. satisfied, donghyuck put down the shriveled paper and sat on the olders lap. jisung gave a small smile at how cute their relationship was.
he always wished he was in a relationship. but he cant imagine it being in one without someone.
"hey jisung! come here bud!" jaemin noticed jisung standing at the entrance and invited him to sit with them.
"hey guys." jisung said greeting his hyungs. he sat down and settled his stuff.
"hey jisungie, how are you? you dont seem too good." mark cooed, pinching his cheeks. jisung didn't have the energy to shoo him away but he was used to it anyway.
"im alright. tired thats all." everyone nodded their head in understanding. his friends began to chat amongst themselves while he stayed quiet. so many thoughts ran through his head.
mostly the nightmare. it kept replaying in his head. it never stopped. he was always reminded of it.
oh how he wished it would stop. hes been through enough for the past eleven years and its time for it to stop.
but it didnt.
he dreamed of chenle, being mad at jisung. mad because he was being an idiot and didnt even realize the car. it hurt jisungs heart so much. he dreamt of him getting hit instead of chenle.
his life would've been better without him anyway.
he always told himself that and blamed it all on him. its true, chenle is better off without jisung.
tears welled up in jisungs eyes and renjun caught it.
"jisung? why are you crying?" renjun spoke up, catching everyones attention.
"i-im sorry" jisung got up from his seat and ran to the bathroom. his friends followed him, in fear of him hurting himself (again).
jisung reached the bathroom and cried. he stared at himself in the mirror.
he looked dead. dead outside and dead inside. he doesnt to live with this guilt. his depression got worse as time went by, thinking about what happened eleven years ago. he wished he would just die already..
jisung, who was shaking, reached for his pocket. he took out a sharp and used razor. he looked in the mirror once again and for once he hesitated. when he dies, everyone would miss him. which was hard to believe. he didnt want to be remembered though. he hoped to be forgotten and not be given pity. thats when he did it.
cut.
cut.
cut.
cut.
he winced at the pain the cuts had formed. four new ones, added to his scarred arms. blood spilled in a fast pace and jisung ran water over it to calm it down. not too soon after, his friends finally entered the bathroom after looking all over the school.
"jisung!" they all huddled around him, helping him to clean the wounds. mark had instructed jeno to run and get the aid kit from the nurses office. jisung cried nonstop and was comforted by the boys. they gave him hugs and whispered small words to him to make him feel better.
eventually the bleeding stopped and jeno came back with the kit in his hands. renjun took all the supplies he needed and patched up his cuts.
"i'm so sorry guys... i wish i could stop but you know... i try... i rlly do but its not working." jisung softly said, with nose all stuffed and eyes puffy. it wasn't the first time they had seen jisung like this. they all knew about his condition and always tried to help him in every way possible.
"its okay jisung, we know its not your fault. we are here for you... always. but please promise us, you wont do this again." renjun said, feeling some tear well up. but he had to be strong in front of jisung. he wouldn't let him see him cry.
"i cant promise you anything." jisung replied, hanging his head low. renjun didn't know what to say instead captured him in a hug. the others watched in silence, making sure not to break the moment.
one thing you should know. the boys have no idea about chenle. jisung never told them about the incident and never told them the real reason about why he suffers from depression.
jisung always told himself not to tell anyone or else they'll think you're a murderer. thats the least thing he would want right now.
after a couple more minutes of silence they went back to class. acted as if nothing had happened. though jisungs eyes were still puffy which could say a lot of things. thankfully no one noticed.
first period.
second period.
third period.
lunch.
it was lunch time and jisung decided to eat at the rooftop. he secretly went alone and didn't tell anyone. hopefully his friends wouldn't worry too much.
he brought his sandwich to the a bench and took a bite of it. he looked out on the view from the top. it was a sunny day. sometimes jisung enjoyed those days, usually he did not.
he stood up and walked over to the edge. he took a peek down.
doesn't seem so far down. but enough for me to die.
he thought about it. renjun and everyone else would feel devastated. they'll be miserable. don't get jisung wrong, he loves them. he truly does. they're the closest thing to a family really. but there are many reasons why he shouldn't live in this world anymore.
he takes a step further, now standing on the very edge. he tightens his hands into a fist, nervous of whats gonna happen next.
all he had to do was just let go.
jisung didn't want to jump. he missed his mom and dad and.. chenle. he wished they were here with him. keeping him happy. something jisung thought he was never gonna be. happy. such a word jisung rarely thinks about. the power of depression, really.
he closes his eyes.
i dont deserve to live anymore.
the pain needs to stop now.
its time to end it, forever.
jisung slowly tipped his body forward. he felt his feet being lifted off the edge.
in that very moment, someone had yanked him back to surface. she or he brought jisung into a a tight hug.
"no don't do it. please. you matter to this world. please don't do it." a small voice spoke.
that voice. it sounds so familiar. wait-
jisung moved away from the person who was hugging him.
"chenle?"
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so um im sorry if i made u cry
i also cried a lil but thats fine ig-
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