Unedited.
8 weeks later....
(12 weeks until due date.... 24 weeks of living in Colorado)
Working before the sun comes up is a bakers reality unfortunately. In order to have yummy warm treats for people with their coffee you have to start early.
Luckily I have never minded the mornings or the work. The quiet kitchen is peaceful as I kneed the dough. This is the only time of the day that my thoughts are allowed to fill the room as I work.
My feelings for Texas are confusing and are intense for someone I barely know. I have never felt this way for anyone not even Red who for a long time I thought was the love of my life. Red hurt me he proved to me that I am undeserved of love. That no one will ever be able to love me in return. He should be enough proof to stay away from trying to find love. I should have learned my lesson with him.
I don't want this to be happening. I do not want to feel butterflies in my belly when Texas walks into the room. My heart shouldn't skip a beat when he calls my unborn child his "future." I do not want my eyes to travel around a room just to see where he is, what he's doing. I do not want to look forward to our morning conversations. And I don't need to be worrying about anyone but Zaylee and I. But it's like my heart has a mind of its own with him. How tragic. My heart is a big dummy.
Coming home after the party I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't get over how safe he made me feel, how excited I was to see his reaction. Thoughts of Texas kept invading my brain like a bad habit. I had told Kelsey about my interactions with her brother, not able to keep my mouth shut. I didn't know what else to do, and I have no one else to talk to. So it was a lot like word vomit.
Kelsey was shocked. She didn't think that I had ever given Texas a second thought. Little does she know he is the only thing I can think about most of the time.
She had confessed to me that her brother has had feelings for me for a long time and "really likes me." She encouraged me to give him a chance. But she also reassured me that we would friends no matter what and that his feelings are his own making them his problem.
"It is not your responsibility to make him feel good. If he tries pressuring you into anything tell me and I kick him in the balls! If he doesn't see you are worth waiting for then he is even more of an idiot then I already think he is." She had said with so much conviction I almost wonder if she just wants an excuse to kick him in the balls.
I had laughed off our conversation and changed the subject but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I'm so screwed.
A part of me wonders if I could have what Kelsey, Summer, and Megan have with their bikers.
Watching them was almost painful because I am so jealous of them. I hate myself for it but it can't be stopped. The way their mens eyes track their every move, the way they jump in to help them before even asked, the sweet kisses, soft words, and just the support they offer their "old ladies." It's beautiful and something I have never had.
I want what they have so much. But isn't wanting that what got me into trouble last time? Isn't that why I hurt so much?
Texas should look for someone who isn't broken, someone who is okay with his lifestyle. Because every time I try to imagine an "us" all I can see is me hurt in the end.
He isn't a one woman kind of man I have heard the old ladies say it. He has a reputation for loving them and leaving them and that isn't what I want......is it?
I mean do I just want a couple nights in bed? Is it okay to want that as a Mom? Technically Zalley isn't here yet so is that okay? Does that make me cheap?
Lord help me. I can't believe I am even considering this and that's assuming that he wants to have sex with a fat, scarred, emotionally unstable, pregnant lady.
I am so stupid! He would never really want me! I'm sure Kelsey was just exaggerating about his crush, probably wanting her friend and brother to be together.
Hearing a knock I look outside to see the man himself. He has been coming by every morning since the party about 30 minutes before I open. It's becoming routine but this morning he is two hours early....
Nodding my head that the door is unlocked he let's himself in.
"What are you doing here this early Texas?" I ask in the most disinterested voice I can muster. Even though my belly is having a butterfly rave at the sight of him.
He is so handsome in his cut. I never thought I would be into the biker thing and maybe I'm not maybe I'm just into Texas.
"I hadn't realized how early you start working until yesterday morning so I thought I could come by and help out." He says while walking over to the coffee machine without a care in the world.
He starts the coffee so casually as if we had done this a hundred times. Which I guess in a way we have done it a lot lately. He makes us coffee every morning. I do not even start it anymore because somehow it's gone under the category of "Texas's job." When did Texas even get a job much less a category? I can't help but wonder.
He has kind of snuck into my life, and is in so deep that I didn't even know he was apart of it. Smooth Texas real smooth.
"When is Zaylee do?" He asks breaking the awkward silence that I had unintentionally created.
"In 12 weeks or 3 months in non pregnant people terms. She is due on October 1st." I say rubbing my flour covered hands on my belly.
"That's not a lot of time." He grumbles while pouring us both a cup of coffee.
"I know! She will be here before I know it and I don't have anything ready! Plus the doctor says that she could be earlier because I have been having very regular Braxton Hicks contractions!"
"What are Braxton Hicks Contractions? Do they hurt?" He asks in concern while handing me my ready made coffee.
Taking a sip I sigh he always makes it just the way I like it.
"Hmm no they are fine and normal they do not hurt. It's just my muscles preparing for labor. It's definitely a good thing!" I reassure him before turning back to my work.
"I am assuming because of the man's title that the sperm donor will not be helping out with any of the baby preparations?" He asks in a carful voice.
"No he wont." I say in a carful voice. Where are all these questions coming from? After the party Texas has not brought up anything too personal. He mainly just tells me about his day and what he's going to do at the shop and I'll tell him about mine. It's worth conversation and comforting. This feels like too much.
"Why is that Lilly?" He asks looking me in my eyes. That look pisses me off a little it's not any of his business! But he is my friend I remind myself and the truth won't hurt anyone.
Looking down at the dough I do not make eye contact. "Honestly he does not even know I'm pregnant I left when I found out. He isn't a good man Texas. I could take his abuse but I couldn't make a child. This baby might be the only good thing he has ever done in his entire life. And he didn't even create it in a healthy way. I can't allow him to be apart of her life much less know about her existence. It's safer for Zaylee this way." I say continuing to ignore him. I do not want Texas to think that I would take a baby away from it's father just because I didn't like him. I know women sometimes do that but I'm not like that. Why does he have to ask so many questions?
Feeling Texas's arms wrap around me, I can not help but lean into his embrace. He just smells so good and he makes me feel so safe. I feel my annoyance with him those questions fade away. I have become comfortable with his touch over the last couple of weeks. He seems to always be touching me in little ways. At first it spooked me but now I find it comforting.
"Tell me what happened so I can fix it. If that fucker laid a hand on you I will destroy him." Texas grumbles into my hair.
"It doesn't matter, he is in my past. It's all in my past. I don't like talking about it, it makes me remember. I just want it to stay in the past. I want to forget." I whisper leaning back into his chest.
"Okay but I'm always here, you can tell me anything. Besides I'm kind of relieved because I don't share well, and you and that baby are mine. I know you hate it when I say it but it's how I feel." Texas says before quickly turning me around. My chest is not pressed up against his while my back is up against the counter. This should have me panicked but all I feel is lust. Before I can over think it he leans over and presses a heated kiss to my lips.
I moan against his lips, this feels so good. I have never been kissed like this with so much skill. God it feels like he is eating me alive.
Before I know what's happening my legs are wrapped around his waist and he is grinding hard into my core. I almost come unglued in that very second.
He keeps pushing into me and I'm rocking my hips back into him. It feels so good and all I can think about is getting closer. As if he can feel it to he starts rocking harder his lips leaving mine to nip and suck on my neck. Throwing my head back I moan his name.
"That right baby, does that feel good?" He asks in a gravely voice. His voice just makes me wetter and all I can do is whimper in return.
"Good girl." He whispers against my chest before pulling my shirt down and sucking on my breasts.
Ohh holy cow. That's what I needed all of a sudden I feel like I am going to burst and I cry out as I grind into him harder. I swear I see stars as something releases inside of me.
I have never had an orgasm before but that has to be what just happened. Looking up I see Texas eyes staring down at me making me blush. Lord he probably thinks I am some kind of lose woman. Trying to pull away Texas just hold me tighter.
"Let me hold you baby." He growls against my neck. I shouldn't but I do. I leaning into his embrace I try and catch my breath. After a few minutes Texas helps me fix my top and let's me down.
I can feel the blush stain my cheeks but I do not look up until his finger under my chin forces me to look into his eyes. The tenderness in them is unsettling but also makes me feel calmer. He cares at least a little bit he cares.
"Give me a chance Lilly, let me take you on a date." He asks in the sweetest voice.
"Okay." I whisper because he cares.
I hope you guys enjoyed! Please comment and vote to let me know how you feel!