I grabbed onto Cat's arm without really realizing how much my chest had tightened. She reassuringly squeezed my hand and my eyes hesitantly met hers. I found it a bit ironic how our roles had switched. She was the one calming me now.
We walked inside the restaurant together, hand in hand. A waiter quickly guided us to a separate room in which five tables had been pushed together to form the big one all the players were now sitting at. The room had been decorated with a few banners in the team's colours, the tables sprinkled with soccer themed confetti and the light dimmed to dip the whole scene into a more relaxed, nightly setting. As I took everything in, I had to remind myself to keep breathing.
The fact that the lights were turned down and about half the team was still missing helped me relax a little, even though I knew the tension in my body wouldn't fully fade until I had found him. I allowed my eyes to wander around and dwell on all the people already there. I noticed that there were a handful of girls and maybe an additional two guys among the group of people that I was sure weren't part of the soccer team.
They were probably the players' girlfriends and boyfriends. Great. That made things even more awkward for me.
When we got to our seats, I couldn't help but subtly glance around again for a flash of silver among the shades of brown and black heads of hair that I may had missed earlier. But no. No Taehyung. I was sure I had seen him walk in though, who else would have silver hair? No, he definitely walked in before us. He had to be here, somewhere.
I broke out of my thoughts when Cat started pulling on my arm, mumbling to walk faster. My eyes followed hers and landed, of course, on Jimin who was excitedly waving us over from the opposite side of the room. My step froze, however, at the sight of who was sitting next to him.
Once I noticed James was with Jimin, I quickly pulled Cat back by her arm.
"I'm gonna go use the bathroom real quick, I'll be right back" I mumbled into her ear and she nodded but not without sending me a concerned glance. I could feel James' eyes lingering on me as I turned away.
I knew I could do this. I knew it. But I desperately needed a moment to breathe. I felt like I was wearing a tight corset that was cutting off the air to my lungs. My mind was a mess right now. I had come here to support Cat, watch some soccer and maybe have some food afterwards, not for all this.
All these people that knew me, that I had history with, crammed into one room just couldn't mean anything good. James. All his friends. Jungkook. Hoseok. Taehyung.
Maybe I was able to handle one at a time but certainly not all of them at once.
The one that made me feel the most uncomfortable by his presence was definitely still James. Seeing him with his friends brought back bad memories from parties and nights out of him getting shit-faced and being an absolute dick to me.
Those had truly been our worst moments. You didn't want to be around James when he was drunk. He turned into a completely different person. It was like someone clicked a switch inside him every time. Just thinking about it now made me cringe.
Possibly, that could be another reason why my brain linked this tense, uneasy feeling to being around James' friends. Those wild party nights used to be the only time I ever got to see them and let's just say- they weren't necessarily all that nice to me.
All this was bringing back feelings of doubt and low self esteem. It brought back flashbacks of fights and crying and of me feeling worthless.
For that short moment my eyes locked with his, it had felt like all the air was being knocked out of my lungs. I felt like I had overstepped a line. Me not coming to any of his games was sort of an unspoken rule during our relationship and now that we had split- I had even less business showing up.
I didn't know why that short moment of eye contact made this sudden feeling of panic bubble up inside me but I knew exactly what I had to do in moments like that. Get away and breathe. Think.
So that's exactly what I did. In no time I had found the bathroom. I entered a stall and sat down on the closed toilet seat because a girl was washing her hands when I walked into the bathroom and I needed more space to myself.
With my head resting on my arms that were propped up on my knees, I took a few deep breaths.
I had really thought I would've managed to move on by now. I thought I was beyond this point. Why was James still getting to me so much? Why did I still care?
He shouldn't be able to make me feel like this. Not anymore, not after all my little pep talks to myself and Sammy and Cat bringing my self esteem back up again to what it once was. I almost started laughing now for how I had been walking around at school with my head held high, thinking I screamed confidence.
Be strong. Believe in yourself.
It's what everyone tells you. It's what all those cute instagram posts written in neat little fonds tell you.
🌸Girlpower. Show them!🌸
..or whatever the fuck.. The truth of it felt far less empowering though. Because you know what? It's hard, okay? Believing in yourself is fucking hard. It's a challenge every single day.
I didn't know how all those girls did it. With their inspirational blogs and daily feel-good-quotes. I admired them. I envied them in a way.
Because they made it look so easy. And every damn time it left me wondering why I couldn't do that. Why I couldn't be so badass. Why it took me so long to just let things go.
I was 17 for heaven's sake. I didn't have it all figured out, not even close! Moments like right now, where I felt overwhelmed with everything really got to me.
James was my first for a lot of things and no matter how many times I get told I should move on already or that I needed to get my shit together with this, that it wasn't that deep- to me it was!
I never had to move on like this before! I never experienced heartbreak before. This was all new to me. And moving on was hard. Not thinking about it all the time, not putting myself down over it, was hard.
I knew what my mum would tell me if she knew what was going on inside my head right now. 'In the future you'll laugh about it, honey. In 10 years time you won't even remember the name of that boyfriend you had in high school.'
I knew that was most likely true. In the grand scheme of things, would any of this really matter? No.
But it mattered right now. It mattered to the 17-year-old who felt incredibly overwhelmed with being around her popular ex-boyfriend when he was surrounded by all his guy friends.
I felt so small sitting in that locked bathroom stall by myself. And in that moment, I realized I had failed. That whole heart of stone thing? It wasn't working. I wasn't like Sammy, I wasn't even nearly as cool or confident as her. I couldn't do it.
I knew sooner than later I had to walk back out there. There was no running away from it this time. No way to just avoid James like I did in school. If only Sammy was here right now. Her presence alone made me feel so much more confident.
I knew I couldn't rely on my fierce best friend for the rest of my life. I had to become my own hero somehow.
I spent another five minutes waiting until I heard nothing but absolute silence, then I took another deep breath. I could do it. I didn't need Sammy or anyone else as backup, I could do it on my own. And just like that- the short moment of panic vanished.
I hadn't cried or started shaking or anything like that. From the outside it looked like I had just casually walked to the bathroom, maybe a bit lost in thought.
I listened for any noise. Once I was sure I was alone, I unlocked the door and washed my hands with cold water. Staring at my reflection in the mirror somewhat helped because I looked much calmer on the outside than I felt on the inside. I ran my fingers through my brown hair, playing with the waves a bit. My expression had turned to stone.
At least I still had my resting bitch face.
-okay, if I felt good enough to make fun of myself again I could surely also manage to walk out there with a smile.
It was just a bunch of soccer dudes, I reminded myself. James and his friends. Maybe it'd be a bit awkward but nothing could happen to me. It would be fine. Just push through and when you fall asleep tonight you'll feel proud of yourself.
"Hanna!" Cat called me over to her, as soon as she saw me walk out of the bathroom. "What took you so long?" she added in a whisper.
I sat down on the chair next to her right opposite of James and one of his friends but kept a neutral face.
"I panicked" I answered, telling her the truth.
A frown immediately took over her face, eyebrows furrowed. She leaned closer towards me, grabbing my hand. "Are you okay? Do you want to leave?"
"I'm fine now" I mumbled back. "Really, I'm okay. Let's stay for a bit" I squeezed her hand.
Cat very hesitantly leaned back, eyeing me, looking unsure. "I don't want you to-"
"I'm okay" I broke her off, followed up with a curt smile and Cat let it go, not because she had stopped worrying but because she knew from my tone that I'd have the last word in this.
I ordered something to drink and then Cat and I leaned over one menue pondering on what food to get. I was about to close the menue when she suddenly started repeatedly nudging my leg under the table.
"Hm?"
"Someone has an eye on you" she whispered and I glanced up to stare into James' eyes but to my surprise his head was lowered, focused on the menue in front of him. My eyes trailed down the long table until they finally locked with silver ones. There he was. The knot in my chest returned within seconds. Breathe.
Taehyung was sat a few seats down from James, next to Jungkook. He was staring me down, not bothering to look away even when I made eye contact and held his stare. I opened my mouth like a fish, clueless what to say or do for a moment when I was saved by the waiter grabbing his attention which made him face away from me.
"He's handsome" Cat whispered and I realized I was still staring at him like a lost puppy. I quickly looked down at my drink and took a sip.
"Not the right moment" I whispered back and she shrugged her shoulders, giving me a small smile.
"It's the truth though" Cat shrugged, adding "You're blushing" with a giggle. I wanted to sink into the ground when Jimin turned to us with a smirk, asking "Who's blushing?"
"No one" I nearly started stuttering just then. James' eyes snapped up at that, directly meeting mine. I was awfully aware of my flaming red cheeks. Reason 184937 why being pale sucked. Other people blush and look like they have a healthy glow to their face, I blush and you could think someone lit a wildfire on my cheeks.
Thankfully, the topic changed quite quickly when the first pizzas were served. Cat was sharing a large pepperoni pizza with Jimin. I smiled when the waiter handed me my veggie pizza but that smile quickly froze when I noticed the mushrooms. I had asked for no mushrooms. I absolutely despised their weird consistency and taste. I was about to call the waiter back and ask for a new one but when I noticed how busy all of them were, I closed my mouth and turned back to my mushroom infected pizza.
"Dang it" I mumbled and started picking them off one by one. I'd like to say that I usually wasn't that much of a picky eater but mushrooms were where I drew the line. Just their smell alone made me gag.
"Do you wanna swap?"
I looked up, into familiar soft eyes. James was pointing to his own pizza which didn't have any mushrooms.
"It's fine!" I smiled, quickly shaking my head and breaking eye contact.
"Come on, Hanna" he sighed and swapped our plates with only minor protest from my side. "I know how much you hate mushrooms"
"Thank you, James" I said in a small voice, accepting his pizza. He smiled back at me and for a moment things didn't feel so awkward anymore.
"It's nothing" he shook his head. After that we both started eating in silence. Cat was fully lost in conversation with Jimin and Hoseok and since I had no idea who the guy to my left was, I just focused on my food, listening in here and there to people's conversations.
"Is it any good?" James' voice caught me off guard. I didn't think he would address me again.
"Yeah, it's good" I answered, not really looking up at him. I had already had my fair share of awkward eye contact today. "Do you wanna try it?" I asked him just to avoid more awkward silence between us but I immediately regretted it.
"Sure"
I cut off a slice and handed it to him, slightly cringing when our hands touched which he thankfully didn't notice. "Mmm, it's really good" he mumbled in-between bites.
"Well, I'm not gonna swap back though, sorry not sorry"
That made him laugh. "I'm good, don't worry" Weird to hear him laugh again. And I made eye contact again-WOW- good job, Hanna!
"You look great by the way" he complimented. I looked into his eyes, intentionally this time. I had always loved his eyes. His eyes and his smile, more than anything. They had a warm glow to them right now, nothing spiteful, not an ounce of hate. I thought back to the last time we talked. I had screamed my lungs out at him. He looked so oddly happy to talk to me right now. Why? I asked myself. Why wasn't he annoyed or even mad? But most importantly.. Why wasn't he moving on already?
For the first time in a long while, I allowed myself to whole-heartedly smile at him. I couldn't keep it in. Not when he was looking at me like this.
"You were great on the field today" I finally opened my mouth. He smiled even wider when I let his compliment about my appearance slide.
"You think so?" he smirked, a hint of cockiness back in his tone but only ever so slightly.
"Yeah" I nodded. As nice as all this was, I knew I couldn't let it go anywhere. This was all just meaningless smalltalk from now. I couldn't let him take over my mind again. I had made too much progress. Forget his smile, forget his silky voice, remember why you two can never work.
"Well, thank you" he said and I sent him a short smile. He paused for a moment, his eyes stuck on my lips before he quickly looked up at me again.
He cleared his throat and from the way his smile faded away, I knew nothing good could come next.
"I really missed seeing your smile, Hanna" There it was.
No, don't let him get into your head. Look away.
"Hanna, I-"
"Heey-do you wanna share a dessert with me?" Cat chimed in, saving me from my misery. THANK GOD. "Jimin said he's full"
"Sounds great, what are we getting?" I turned to her, ignoring James whose eyes lingered on me for a while longer, a flash of hurt in his eyes but he got the message and started talking to his friends.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I whisper-shouted into Cat's ear. "Tiramisu?" I suggested and Cat's face lit up.
"Yay, that's what I wanted!" she smiled and we ordered the dessert, along with some coffee. A bit late for caffeine maybe, whatever.
"He's gone by the way" This time I knew she wasn't talking about James.
"Yeah, he's pretty good at that" I mumbled, almost smiling a bit. I paused. "Do you think I should go talk to him?" I asked.
"Why?" Cat looked up from the tiramisu.
"I don't know. I hate when things are awkward and I really don't know where I stand with Taehyung right now. He almost glared at me earlier. Do you think he's mad I never called him after we- you know?"
"He has no right to be mad when he was the one who left" Cat shook her head and then sighed. "I mean I guess you could go talk to him. I know I advised you to call him and everything but now that I've met him, I'm not that sure any more."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, Hanna. Something about him is off. I really didn't like the way he looked at you. If this is just gonna cause more drama, I'm really not sure whether you shouldn't better just let it go. You just started feeling better, remember? I really don't wanna see you sad again."
"Why would I be sad though?" I questioned. We were whispering back and forth so no one could listen in on our conversation.
"I don't know, from setting your expectations too high" she shrugged.
"Cat, I have absolutely zero expectations for him and I. There's not even really anything between us. Both times we hooked up we were drunk. It's really not that deep, it's not like I'm gonna fall for him or anything like that"
"Good, then just drop it now. To make sure"
"But I don't wanna leave things where they are right now. We had zero closure" I tried to get my point across.
"Why would you care though if there's nothing between you?" she raised her eyebrow. "For you to want closure implies that there would first have to have been something between you. Something more than a fling."
"No, that's not what I'm saying. Stop twisting my words. It meant nothing to me"
"Let it go then, if it meant nothing" she stared me down. I knew she could see right through me. And she was right- if it meant nothing, why couldn't I just drop it?
"But-"
"I'm texting Sammy" Cat refused to listen any longer.
"Don't you dare!!" I whisper-shouted at her. "Fine!" I hissed. "I won't go talk to him, okay?"
"Good" Cat smiled, batting her long eyelashes. "In a few weeks time, you'll look back at this and realize it is what's best for you right now"
"Great, Ghandhi. Thank you so much for your wisdom" I rolled my eyes but Cat just chuckled, pushing the tiramisu over for me to have some.
"The food is really good here not gonna lie" she changed the topic and I agreed.
"Yea.." I mumbled, thoughts elsewhere. When Cat wasn't paying attention I quickly checked whether I could find Taehyung among the crowd but nope, Cat was right. Not a single strand of silver.
Throughout the rest of the evening I kept an eye out to see when he would come back but when what felt like hours had passed and there was still no sign of him, I gave up. Had he left already?
Cat was hugging onto Jimin's arm when I glanced over, her head resting on his shoulder. She was wearing his jacket. So wholesome. I was genuinely happy for her. But at the same time I couldn't help but feel like I didn't really belong. I had no one to talk to.
I didn't want to ask Cat if we could leave because she was having such a good time, giggling with Jimin and sharing small moments of intimacy every now and then when he would kiss her forehead or she'd run her fingers along his arm.
So I did the only thing that didn't involve having to get up and finding someone to talk to- I went on my phone.
Me
How's studying?
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
I'm having the time of my life.. Wbu? How was the game?
Me
We're still at dinner. I wanna leaave
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Cat?
Me
She's having a good time which was the whole purpose of tonight so I guess I'm happy. It's just a little awkward.
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Who else is there?
Me
The whole team and all their girlfriends and boyfriends. Haha..
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Did James bother you at all?
Me
No, he was being really nice. Didn't talk to him for too long though
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Stay away from him, he can't be trusted.
Me
I am, mum.
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
What about that other boy?
Me
?
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Shut up, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Taehyung or whatever
Me
Dont know, didn't talk to him
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Stop lying, bitchass
Me
I'M NOT LYING
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
You're gonna tell me you did not exchange a single word with the guy you banged multiple times
Me
Yep, twice we hooked up twice.
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
I don't trust you. You're lucky i can't tell whether you're lying to me over text, if this was a face to face conversation, you'd be done for.
Me
Someone remind me why I texted you in the first place..
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Swear you're not lying to me
Me
I swear, bitch, that I'm not lying to you. I did not talk to him.
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Why not?
Me
Cat told me not to
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
WOW she's giving out good advice for once.
Samuel L. Jackson❣️ is typing...
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Seriously though, as much as I don't want you to get tangled up in yet another mess again, I know what you're like, Hanna. If you don't talk to him now, it's gonna kill you later. If what you told me earlier was true and you actually don't have feelings for that boy, you should at least get closure. Believe me, as much as I don't want you to, please go talk to him. 🙏🏽
Me
Did you know that emoji is actually supposed to be two people high- fiving?
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
stop changing the subject. you need to go talk to him. I just know you'll regret it if you don't
Me
Hm I don't know, maybe i should just leave it be
Me
KIDDING! Don't kill me omg.
You're right. I'll go find him.
Talk to you later!
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
I beg you to not get your heart broken again.
-Message has been deleted-
Samuel L. Jackson❣️
Okay, ily❤️
-seen-
This time I didn't tell Cat before I quietly rose from my seat and slipped into the bathroom.
This time the stalls were all empty. I let some cold water run over the veins on my forearms and ran my fingers through my wavy hair again.
Think, Hanna. Where could he have gone? For some reason I had a feeling that he hadn't left yet. Jungkook was still here. Most if the team was still here. He was one of the big stars tonight. This was his celebration. He wouldn't just leave, right?
I managed to walk out of the restaurant without anyone stopping me or even giving me a second glance. His car was still here. The same car he had driven me to his place after Sammy's party. The same car Cat and I saw him arrive in today. My eyes scanned the parking lot. Nothing.
As soon as my eyes got accustomed to the dark, I dared to walk a bit further. Past the restaurant's guest garden, until my shoes were no longer touching the gravel of the parking lot.
Other than the sound of a few cars passing by now and then with their headlights illuminating the streets, I was drowned in darkness and silence.
I was about to give up, walk back inside when I heard footsteps on the gravel behind me.
"Lost something?" I nearly got a heart attack when my head snapped around and I was met with the eyes of someone standing no more than a foot away from me.
"Holy fuck, Jungkook!" I cursed him out, clutching my heart. "You can't just sneak up on people like that!"
"Sorry, I called your name when you were walking out of the restaurant, guess you missed it. I thought you were leaving without saying goodbye" the raven haired boy explained himself. "But then I noticed your friend was still in there"
"Cat"
"Right" he smiled. "The short one. She's looking for you by the way."
"I was just about to walk back" I mumbled, unable to hide the disappointment from my voice. "I'm not leaving, don't worry. I was just, I was- nevermind.." I shook my head.
Jungkook stared down at me, eyebrows furrowed, clearly trying to decode my expression.
"Wanna walk back in with me?" I offered and his frown faded.
"Actually, I was just about to smoke so-"
"Oh, no worries then. See you later!" I nodded my head, ready to walk past him when he gently grabbed my arm.
"Wait, stay out here with me a bit?"
I looked from his grip on my arm up to his face. It was too dark to read his eyes but he smiled at me and his tone was filled with warmth and a bit of shyness even- so I stayed.
"Okay" I agreed.
We found a bench in the guest garden, and he lit his first cigarette. We could see each other much better now that we were closer to the restaurant and the light from the windows and street lamps were dipping our surroundings in faint shades of yellow and white.
Jungkook offered me a cigarette and I kindly refused. I brought my knees to my chest, hugging my legs with my sweater covered arms.
"Are you cold?"
"No, it's just more comfortable sitting this way"
"Whatever you say, Williams" he grinned. "So who were you looking for?"
Damn it. "None of your business, Jeon."
"You do realize I could just guess, right? Judging from who's inside right now and who isn't..there's not a lot of options"
"Why do you care?" I sighed.
"I don't" he smirked. "Just bored"
Sure.
"How much longer do you think this will go on for?" I asked, pointing to the loud music that had now filled the walls of the Italian restaurant.
Jungkook checked the time on his phone. "Maybe another hour" he shrugged. I let out a long, irritated groan.
"I just wanna go home" I whispered into my knees.
"Then go"
"No, I want to wait for Cat" I explained to which Jungkook took a long drag from his cigarette before another smile took over his features at the sight if my misery.
"Then stop complaining" he clicked his tongue and stared at him and his childish bunny smile and couldn't help but smile back.
"You really don't ever get less annoying do you?" I shook my head.
"You're the one that keeps talking to me, babe" he winked.
I nudged his shoulder. "Please just shut your face"
"I was looking for Taehyung" I had no idea why I told him. It just slipped. I couldn't deny that I was growing more comfortable around Jungkook. And he was right. I could stop talking to him any time I wanted, block his number. Why didn't I if he was as annoying as I claimed he was?
Because the truth was that it was becoming harder and harder to hate him, to cling onto the image I had of him for the time James and I were dating.
Jeon Jungkook wasn't even half as horrible as I had judged him to be all these years.
"I need to talk to him" I added and Jungkook didn't say anything for a moment. He just looked at me, still hugging my legs.
"Well-" he got up, taking a second cigarette out from his pack and placing it between his lips. He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders before I could protest. Reaching his hand out for me to take, another smile graced his lips.
"Let's go find him then"
____________
A/N: 4900 words..
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR BEING GONE FOR SO LONG
*is terribly sorry* *hides behind bed*
thank you all so much for the never-ending support!!! i see every comment and little interaction and it makes me so so happy and thankful!!
*shoots hearts at you*
i truly have the best readers ever💜
(tell me what u thought of this chapter✨✨ or yell at me if u're still mad i was gone so long)
i love you all!!!
all the best,
Umi xx
See you soon (hopefully)