46 ; leading
The visit to Hogwarts was quite the adventure. We didn't get as lost as we had expected, arriving at Hogsmeade nearly two hours before we had anticipated.
We nearly flew over the small town, as neither of us had thought it would be so close.
The car was parked behind the Three Broomsticks, locked. We told the owner that it was there, so they weren't startled when they took the trash out. We walked around the little village for nearly twenty minutes, mingling with some of the older students, before we saw Professor Slughorn approaching.
"For Merlin's sake," I groaned quietly to Lily. "He sent the talker?"
"I happen to like Slughorn."
"I do too," I snorted. "He just talks a lot."
"He really does."
And a lot of talking happened as Slughorn escorted us to the castle. I had purposely worn a hooded cloak, pulling the hood up as we walked. Just in case.
My hands were glued to my stomach.
Slughorn left us just outside the Great Hall. Lily and I were entranced, as if we were first years all over again, by the endless walls of stone knights. I thought about the rumor mentioned in one of the history books that the Headmaster could animate the knights to protect the castle.
Part of me hoped to never have to see it, but the other part of me was beyond curious.
After a moment, we realized that we were not waiting for someone to come and retrieve us, so we began to walk to where Minerva's classroom was.
In our years at Hogwarts, old students seemed to visit the teachers more often during the Christmas time, so very few lingering students seemed curious as to why there were two graduates roaming the halls. There were a few who stopped us, asking how the outside world was fairing. How the Muggle world was doing.
Lily answered those questions, while I answered the questions about whether or not it was true that I shattered a dozen windows by the Great Hall.
I planted a seed of a rumor that it was three dozen.
"You're ridiculous," Lily snickered as the third year Gryffindor ran off with her friends. "I wonder how that rumor will progress."
"I hope it progresses far. I hope one day, Esme hears that I shattered every window in this bloody castle."
"That's excessive."
"It truly is. I only shattered four."
Near the Transfiguration classroom, Lily and I ran into a familiar looking Hufflepuff.
I had to do a double-take, mostly because the boy looked terrified, before I realized it was the boy that literally killed me in his second year; my sixth.
"You're a fourth year now, aren't you?" I asked softly. He nodded. "Are you in Quidditch?"
"I'm Hufflepuff's Keeper."
"Nice," I smiled. "No hard feelings; for nearly killing me. Genuinely."
"What?"
"He sneezed on me in sixth year," I explained to Lily quietly. "I ended up in St. Mungo's."
"Oh, yeah."
"I'm sorry-"
"Don't be, kid," I said, patting his head. "You didn't know. Hell, I'm sorry for reacting the way we did. My brother and I. You had no idea, and we got upset with you anyway. I am sorry, and I am alive."
He nodded softly, smiling weakly as I nodded to him. Lily and I continued on as he darted in the other direction.
We made it to Minerva's classroom at the same time that she did. She smiled widely, greeting us warmly. We explained what we were there for after we accepted her offer of tea. Lily handed her the dress and slip, while I handed her one of my false-satin robes.
After chatting, Minerva said she'd have them done by the end of the night. She said that we could stay in the castle for the night, in one of the spare Professor's quarters. She admitted that she hoped to see one of us in that classroom eventually, to which Lily and I smiled. As we left, she called to us that she was so glad to see us.
As we waited, we walked around the castle. We went to visit Dumbledore, surprised to find that he was not in his office, so we absentmindedly looked for him. We were more just exploring our old home, while on the lookout for Albus.
When the sky began to darken, we went towards the Great Hall; we were both getting famished, and we knew Albus would be there.
Lily and I were quiet most of the way, neither of us mentioning the night before. To avoid the same scene, or out of quiet embarrassment - I doubt either of us knew.
Albus was at dinner, as were several students who were excited to be able to have a meal with former students - especially a set of students that the professors seemed to enjoy being around as much as they did us. Minerva adored Lily and I, mainly because any pranks we pulled excluded the teachers, and we had good marks.
Perhaps the fact that we were so open about our beliefs also affected how much she liked us.
Some of the older students asked us questions about studying for exams, to which Lily gave as many pointers as she could. My only advice was to find a Remus - which I explained was a friend who was either as smart as you, or smarter, to quiz you. Find someone who will tell you to explain the answer on the back of the flashcard.
They asked how the written exams were, to which Lily and I admitted that they were different for everyone. I found them excruciatingly boring, while Lily preferred them to the practical. They asked for advice on the practical exams. The only advice we could give was to practice - over and over until they were good enough at the magic to be able to do it in a high-stress situation. We also told them that with the way the world was... the ability to do magic in tense moments was vital. The difference between life or death.
The mood of the meal shifted, and the table fell silent.
"I hear that you have to find a new Divination professor after this year."
I changed the subject, which brought on a slew of questions as to why I couldn't teach Divination. Albus then offered me the position, since I had always been one of the few students who cared that Divination was a real subject. I was one of the few students who managed to have higher marks than my professor had in his Hogwarts years.
Albus admitted that there were not many that were interested in the position; so many people were disbelieving of the art. I knew, firsthand, how real Divination was. That brought an onslaught of questions from students - only silenced by a wave of Albus' hand.
"Don't professors usually have to have so many years in experience, outside of school?"
"You already do," Minerva said softly. "You have two years of personal experience with the art."
"I can't," I said quietly. "I have a young daughter."
Albus then assured me that the position would always be open for me; even if it was taken. He expressed that he would ask me, every year, until I agreed. I rolled my eyes as I shared a look with Lily.
I wanted to take the position. Albus was right; I was one of few who understood Divination for what it was. I was one of few who spent so much of my downtime reading everything about Seers and the art itself. There were very few who understood Divination the way that I did. Even fewer who took it seriously.
But, I couldn't. Esme was my life; I could not take the time to be a professor while she was so young. Not while I was pregnant, either.
Maybe one day.
Minerva returned the gown and slip to me after breakfast the next morning. As soon as Lily and I had said our goodbyes, we made the trek back to Hogsmeade. Both of us were on high alert, as once in the village we were no longer under the same protections as in the castle. If a student had alerted the Death Eaters of our presence, they'd attack in Hogsmeade.
I suddenly wished I had James' invisibility cloak.
We made it to the car safely, hurling ourselves in and immediately cloaking the car. We practically stripped down to our sweaters, throwing our coats and scarves into the back seat. I looked at Lily and laughed.
She raised an eyebrow, not understanding my sudden outburst of amusement.
If only she could see herself.
I used magic to make my scarf into a mirror, to which Lily began to laugh as well. The necklace she'd been wearing all weekend was half off of her, stuck on the top of her head - tangled in her hair. She hadn't felt it because the chain was long enough, and light enough, that she couldn't feel it on her face.
She untangled it, letting it drop back into place. I got a good look at the necklace for the first time and smiled. I realized it was the same necklace she wore at the dinner party, but I hadn't gotten a good look at it then.
"James?"
She nodded, this tiny smile on her face.
It was a small, oval shaped, silver locket, with the letter 'L' engraved in the face. She gently opened it, showing a picture of her and James - one that I had taken a week before they got married. It was a muggle photo, so it didn't move.
Lily wedged the tip of her fingernail in between the back of the locket and the frame of the photo. She gently pulled, popping the frame out of its place. It swung on hinges, and Lily showed me another picture. One of the three of us. Lily, James and I. It was from the first time Lily and James visited my home. You could barely just see my large stomach.
"There's another across from the first photo, and also on the back. I want to put a photo of my baby on one side, as well as one of our children together on the other."
I smiled softly as I turned away. Tears were welling in my eyes, and I did not want to cry in front of Lily; not again.
We fell into a comfortable silence as I started the car.
About an hour from home, Lily turned to me. We had been chatting about little things, like music and art, while listening to one of my cassette tapes. We'd agreed that we wouldn't stop, even after the sun went down.
At that point, the sun was gone. But we were already close, so we just continued on.
"You have to tell Sirius."
I glanced at her, for a moment confused. She looked at me sadly. I realized what she meant, and felt a stab at my heart.
"Did you think I was going to hide it from him? Pretend it didn't exist?"
She stayed silent for a long moment. With the way she sat back, her eyebrows knitted together, I knew she realized how her statement sounded. I was not going to hide this from Sirius. I hadn't planned on it, I just didn't know how to tell him. In addition, I wanted to check-in with Arlo first.
When she finally spoke, she sounded defeated.
"I don't want to see the two of you end up like you were after Fleamont," She said quietly. She sounded tired, but not in the way you'd expect from a long trip. She sounded mentally tired. I knew how that felt. "I know you don't want that to happen again, either. I was worried you wouldn't tell him to avoid it."
"I'm not that kind of person, Lily."
"I know."
"Once I see Arlo, I will tell Sirius. Once I know that I will not lose this baby the way that I lost Fleamont, I will tell him."
"Do you know how far along you are?"
"How far along are you?"
"Around two months," Lily said softly. "I found out in the second week of November."
"I'm around two months," I nearly whispered. "I missed my period in November. Took a Muggle test a week later."
Lily laughed; boisterous and loud. Given the context, she seemed absolutely insane.
After a moment, I began to giggle too. I realized why she was laughing, and it felt, for a moment, like the world was on my side.
"I bet you, any amount of money, when you go to Arlo, he is going to tell you that you are due in the last week of July," Lily laughed, grinning like a little girl. "Can you imagine if our children were born on the same day, or days apart?"
"That would be..." I hesitated. My stomach churned, fear crawling into my throat like bile. The memory of holding Fleamont flashed through my mind. "Wonderful."
I wasn't laughing anymore. I was frowning, my eyebrows knitted, and my eyes burning.
The pain that I was experiencing, the pure emotional heartbreak, felt as though there was no point in even trying. All I wanted to do was sleep, lay in my bed while I held my stomach. I wanted to do absolutely nothing, to protect my baby.
There was this intense sense of desperation. Of pure hopeless desire. I wanted nothing more than I wanted this baby to be healthy.
Part of me was so paranoid about jinxing it that I felt an immense dread. I regretted telling Lily. I was so paranoid that I jinxed my child that I regretted telling my absolute best friend that I was pregnant.
But, consciously, I knew that Lily was right. I knew I was pregnant. I had not known I was with Fleamont, because my body had refused to acknowledge that Fleamont was a fetus. My body attacked him as it would if he had been a tumor. My body attacked him, and didn't tell me he existed.
I knew about Esme. I missed my period, and the test was positive. My body told me that I was pregnant with her, and she was a healthy baby.
Perhaps this little baby would be alright.
As I drove, I gripped the steering wheel, fighting off hopeful images of Esme with her baby sister, or brother. Esme teaching them how to swing on a swing set, how to tie their shoes.
We fell into silence, and I drove quickly. I just wanted to get home. I wanted to get home, send Arlo an owl, and make an appointment. I wanted to know if my baby was alright. I wanted to know if my baby would die.
I hoped they'd be alright.
Lily and I had gotten home long after the sun went down, and so she simply stayed at my house for the night. She charmed a letter to go to James, and slept on the sofa.
In the morning, her and I charmed my dress to appear as a plane nightgown to Sirius, and we chatted about the future while we drank our coffee. She drank hers with an immense amount of sugar, with more creamer than coffee. I drank mine with two shots of a liquid sugar; significantly less sweet than Lily's.
Sirius nor James understood how I drank nearly black coffee, but they couldn't understand how Lily drank sweetened creamer. They both drank theirs with a lot of sugar, and a little bit of creamer.
As we talked, Sirius came into the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee. He seemed startled to see us.
"When did you get home?"
"Last night."
"Did you sleep out here?"
"Lily did. I crawled into the bed with you."
"You did?"
"Sirius," I sighed, a stupid smile on my face. He was so cute. "You told me that you were glad I was home; you were lonely."
"I did?"
"Yes. You then forced me to cuddle with you."
"I can believe that."
I snorted as Sirius took a sip of his coffee. He smiled at me over the rim of his mug. I rolled my eyes as I blew him a kiss.
We heard a knock on the door, and so I went to open it. I stood from my seat, grumbling as the knocking continued, hasty and annoying. I presumed it was James, and that he missed Lily. I took three steps to the door, just barely passing Lily, not even making it off of the tiled floor of the kitchen. Suddenly, like a truck had rammed into me, I felt sick.
I felt a surge of magic, and my stomach churned.
"Lily-" I whispered as my knees buckled from underneath me.
I could barely feel a pair of thin arms grabbing me as I heard glass shatter. I heard Lily yell for Sirius to let James in, shouting for Dean moments after. I could hear him running, and felt his hands grabbing my head. As he did so, Lily practically mounted me, a knee on either side as she held my torso exactly where it was.
I heard Dean ask what she was doing, but before I could hear her answer, my entire body began to convulse. I felt more hands on me as everything went black.
Death Eaters. Everywhere.
I caught a glimpse of a scarlet red train and icy white hair.
"Jemina?"
Lily's voice was quiet, and terrified.
"They're attacking King's Cross," I whispered as I made eye-contact with James. "I think they're after that Seer from the first orphanage, Francine."
"Let's go," James said, standing and offering me a hand. "We'll aparate outside of the station and sprint to the wall, okay?"
"James-"
"We likely don't have a lot of time," Sirius chimed in. "James was here because the Order got tipped off. Andromeda warned Albus that there would be an attack on the train. I can safely assume it was Narcissa who warned her."
"I can't apparate," Lily iterated, nervously glancing towards me. "We can Floo?"
"We'd have to find a fireplace," James said softly. "We don't have time for that. You'll have to stay with Esme."
"Minnow, let's go."
"I can't."
"What do you mean? We don't have time for this!"
Everything within me was screaming. Every fiber of my being wanted to risk it, to apparate to King's Cross and save Francine.
But I knew that I couldn't. My first pregnancy, with Esme, was already so high-risk. I wasn't even allowed to take the Floo-network. I could not, in good conscious, apparate knowing what I do about my own body. I couldn't apparate knowing that I was pregnant. I refused to risk my baby's life like that. I refused.
"I can't apparate," I repeated, similar to how Lily did. "Go without me!"
"What? No-"
"I can't! I'm pregnant."
I threw my hands in the air. I shouted at first, the "I can't!" forceful and exhausted, but when I admitted the truth my voice dropped to a low whine as I struggled not to burst into tears.
This was the last thing I wanted to happen. I wanted to tell Sirius when I knew that our baby would be okay. I did not want him to stress the way that I was. Sirius' face went from frustrated to pure confusion, then to this look of broken hope. I felt the knife in my heart twist, seeing the pain on his face.
My left hand covered my mouth as I bit down on my tongue, my right hand grabbing the chair beside me. I felt Lily's cold hand touch my shoulder.
There was a deafening silence as Sirius stared at me.
James looked at Lily, this look of confused concern plastered on his face. As he looked at her, how unsurprised she was, he raised an eyebrow. A silent exchange happened between the two as Dean simply pursed his lips. He was just there, no particularly surprised or concerned look on his face.
As I relived the moment I lost Fleamont, I could see Sirius remembering the same event. I could see the pain in his eyes as he slowly looked at my stomach.
I closed my eyes tightly, willing away the sudden urge to vomit all over him and James.
"Go."