I just want to say — I am so glad I starting reviewing characters. Not because I just like helping people improve their characters (though that is what this was originally for), but because of all the great songs and concepts and ideas y'all have introduced to me. There are so many songs on here that I wouldn't EVER have found or noticed if it wasn't for the fact that somebody sent their character in with a great song to tag. This, right here, is a great, inspiring song — thank you, IcyDarcyStormyTrix, for introducing this song to me.
Time Period: During DoD, but she's much younger than them.
Okay.
Name: Tarantula (Name Reasoning: There are hundreds of tarantula species found in most of the world's tropical, subtropical, and arid regions. They vary in color and behavior according to their specific environments. Generally, however, tarantulas are burrowers that live in the ground.)
Good name. Tarantula. I like it!
Age: About twelve years old
Okay, but keep in mind you mentioned that she's younger than the DoD. The DoD, as of now, are 7. Is this placed further in the future?
Gender: Female
Okay
Sexuality: Straight as an arrow
That's fine. We support all sexualities in this household
Tribe: SandWing
10/10 I love Sandys
Queen She Supports: Queen Thorn
The lovely Thorn
Rank: Prisoner of War (Formerly)
Servant/Slave (Formerly)
Rehab Student (Currently)
All interesting ranks! And thanks for adding the former ranks as well as the current one. I've never seen a rehab student.
Abilities: She can go almost seven days without water and three without food.
Maybe you mean the other way around? And either way, SandWings can go weeks without water, and they can go months without food, if I recall correctly.
She has the normal poisonous barb on the end of her tail used for stabbing and killing prey or enemies. Able to breathe fire in small quantities due to her bad health and current age.
When a dragon reaches their seventh birthday, they're an adult, so.
Sometimes she can become 'invisible' if she stands against a wall and ducks her head. It happens quite often.
Ooo.
Appearance: Very small, thin, dijon-colored female SandWing that stands at about the height of a large male SandWing dragonet. She has scattered bronze underscales on her neck, chest, stomach, and tail, along with very pale corn-colored wing membranes fading into a dull mustard-yellow. Her eyes are a vantablack color - looking almost like black holes penetrating her skull. She has various scars on her fragile wings, legs and stomach from blows coming from her captors, and her barb is dented from an accident as a servant. Tarantula wears no jewelry because she thinks it weighs her down.
I LOVE this appearance so freakin much! Like, seriously, I can imagine her perfectly. 10/10.
As I'll suggest later, though, I recommend making her and her mother's appearance very similar, perhaps so similar it's near identical. I'll further explain why later when I actually get to the full suggestion.
Backstory: Tarantula grew up in the Scorpion Den with her parents - who acknowledged her presence, but never truly cared about her. After her twin siblings hatched, her father was killed
Who killed him? Why?
Edit: I suggest, later on, that Tarantula's mother used to be a general in Blister's army. Maybe her father died for associating himself with Blister's ex-commander.
and her mother left the Den - never to be seen again. She was tasked, as a two-year old dragonet, with helping to raise her siblings. Of course she had help, but it was still hard.
Who helped her?
When she had just turned three years old, Tarantula wandered from the Den in search of food, but stumbled upon a SkyWing spy patrol.
What were they doing near the Scorpion Den? I mean, Burn was kind of in charge of the Sand Kingdom at that point, and Scarlet and Burn were allied. They probably wouldn't be a spy patrol; maybe make them a regular patrol who were looking for fugitives or something.
Suggestion: Tarantula's mother (not father, probably, because he's dead and the SkyWings would find that useless) was an ex-commander who used to work for Blister, and one of the SkyWings had met the commander during battle and recognized Tarantula as looking similar to the commander.
This SkyWing interrogated Tarantula and asked about her mother's name, even threatening her, and in order to escape with her life, and not knowing the consequences, Tarantula confessed to the SkyWing her mother's name — the name of the ex-commander.
The SkyWing made the connection and now knew that Tarantula was the ex-commander's daughter and in hopes of using her for ransom (remember: SkyWing mothers usually take care of the dragonet, they might assume SandWings do the same), the SkyWings took Tarantula prisoner and made their presence and imprisoning obvious to the Scorpion Den dragons, hoping the mother would eventually hear word of her daughter's imprisonment and would trade Blister's war plans for Tarantula. Yeah, the war plans might be old, but perhaps it was a desperate time for the SkyWings in the war.
She was immediately taken prisoner to Scarlet, but was deemed way too young to fight in the arena and left in the dungeons.
What I suggested may help this, too — this sounds a bit strange, considering it implies that Scarlet cares if dragonets fight in her arena, which she probably doesn't care all that much.
But, if Tarantula's mother was an ex-commander, and they were hoping to exchange Tarantula for battle plans, then this would make more sense as to why Scarlet left her alone.
Her wings were pinned by the restraints and her tail was useless due to the fact that it was also restrained, but it was still weak due to her age.
Then, Scarlet took some SandWings who supported Queen Burn to see her. She was taken - still restrained - to her Palace and made a prisoner of War.
The explanation for this would be that it had been half a year or a full year and because it was so long, the SkyWings eventually gave up and, instead of making her fight in the arena, Scarlet decided to give Tarantula to Burn as a servant.
One day, Burn decided to find herself a servant and went to the dungeons.
Which would explain this, too, since Burn doesn't actually "go find servants" because she's more hands-on and does her own dirty work. If Scarlet gave a servant to her as a present, though, Burn would have to accept.
Many other dragons down their were old, battleworn, or maimed. But Tarantula was not. Burn took her to the throneroom and the young dragonet became her servant.
This arrangement lasted seven years,
Seven years is weird if Tarantula is supposed to be younger than the DoD, but okay—
and Tarantula's health diminished greatly. She was constantly starved, beaten, threatened, and treated worse than dirt. Her tail was still chained for about a year before Burn took it off, and her wings were chained for two years. The dragonet was hardly ever allowed to leave the throneroom unless she was ordered to or unless Burn left.
This doesn't quite make sense, because why would Burn be so mad about a random servant? — Unless, of course, Tarantula was the daughter of the ex-commander, and the ex-commander really made Burn mad, and because they held a resemblance, Burn took her frustrations of Tarantula's mother out on Tarantula herself, and that plus how the rest of the guards and whatnot treated her, this was how she ended up.
So, here's a rewrite of how I suggested the backstory to go up until this point:
Tarantula grew up in the Scorpion Den, with a mother who used to be a commander that worked for Blister and a father who used to be a soldier in Burn's army. They acknowledged Tarantula's presence, but they never truly cared about her. After Tarantula's twin siblings hatched, her father was killed by an active soldier, loyal to Burn, for associating himself with an ex-commander from Blister's army. Her mother left the Scorpion Den and was never seen again after that.
Tarantula was tasked, as a two-year-old dragonet, with helping to raise her siblings. Of course, she had help from the neighboring dragons in the Scorpion Den sometimes, but it was still hard on her.
A year later, when Tarantula was three, she wandered from the Scorpion Den in search of food for herself and her siblings, and came across a SkyWing patrol headed for Burn's Stronghold. One of the SkyWings in the patrol recognized that Tarantula closely resembled an ex-commander who used to work closely with Blister, and after interrogation and threats, Tarantula revealed her mother's name — which was the same name as the ex-commander.
The SkyWings immediately imprisoned her, and made sure the Scorpion Den dragons knew they did so in hopes the word would spread to the ex-commander if she ever came back, and she was thrown into Scarlet's dungeons. Burn was currently losing more battles than she was winning, and the SkyWings were hoping that maybe, just maybe, Tarantula's mother would have some battle plans or insight onto what Blister was doing.
After about a year or so, the SkyWings gave up on trying to exchange Tarantula for war plans the ex-commander may or may not have, and instead, Scarlet simply gave Tarantula to Burn as a servant, and because the ex-commander had a bad tendency of getting on Burn's nerves when she was still participating on Blister's side, Burn took a lot of her anger out on Tarantula, and over the course of three years, Tarantula was starved, beaten, threatened, and treated worse than dirt. Her tail was chained for about a year in before Burn took it off, even being threatened by Burn that if she ever tried stabbing anyone with her tail, she would bite it off, and her wings were chained for two years in. The dragonet was hardly ever allowed to leave the throne room unless she was ordered to or unless Burn left.
(Then leave the rest of the backstory how it is)
And here's the continuation of the review sksksk >>>
One day - after years of suffering - Burn took her to a meeting with the other SandWing Princesses. Right before her eyes, Burn was killed by a Dragonbite Viper and Tarantula was free. Blister was also killed in front of her, and Blaze fled the scene.
Hysterical at the eyes now trained on her, Tarantula tried to flee. But her wings were so weak that she was apprehended easily. Clay suggested they take her to Jade Mountain for counseling, but Queen Thorn disagreed and instead enrolled her in a Rehab Center for young SandWings. She currently resides there - she has been for two years and is still too unstable to be out in public. Her little siblings come for a visit every week and she receives get-well cards daily from SandWings all over the Scorpion Den.
Aww. I like this.
Residence: Currently at a SandWing Rehab Center in the Scorpion Den.
Okay, cool!
Family: Steppe (Mother)(large, muscular, medallion-colored female SandWing with daffodil underscales fading to a banana color. Raven-black eyes)(Name Reasoning: A steppe is a dry, grassy plain. Steppes occur in temperate climates, which lie between the tropics and polar regions. Temperate regions have distinct seasonal temperature changes, with cold winters and warm summers. Steppes are semi-arid, meaning they receive 25 to 50 centimeters (10-20 inches) of rain each year)
I love this name. Also, as I said — I recommend making Steppe and Tarantula similar in appearance.
Desolation (Father)(medium-sized, slim dijon-colored male SandWing with scattered, mustard-yellow underscales on the underside if his wings and stomach. Ink-black eyes)(Name Reasoning: a state of complete emptiness or destruction. Examples include a desert or a war-torn wasteland)
I love this name too.
Thirst (Little Brother)(tiny bronze male SandWing dragonet with banana-colored underscales darkening into a flaxen color. Ink-black eyes)(Name Reasoning: a feeling of needing or wanting to drink something)
Right.
Cockroach (Little Sister)(small, flaxen-colored female SandWing dragonet with corn-colored underscales on her neck, chest, stomach and tail. Her wing membranes are a pale banana-yellow darkening to a blonde)(Name Reasoning: a scavenging insect that resembles a beetle, having long antennae and legs and typically a broad, flattened body. Several tropical kinds have become established worldwide as household pests)
Not many characters named Cockroach, I'll say that right now. I think I've only seen one other character named Cockroach.
Friends: Sunny
Thorn
Qibli
Okay
Husband: None
Makes sense
Crushes: None
Alright
Dragonets: None
Okay
Enemies: Queen Scarlet
Queen Burn
Queen Blister
All of these make sense
Personality: Tarantula is a very shy and reserved dragon. The Scorpion Den toughened her up a bit, but she still retained that awkwardness while speaking to anyone she didn't know. After the incident, she became much more quiet and meek. She flinches at the slightest movement in her direction and hates being in contact with newcomers. Her voice is a gentle, kind rasp and her posture is never threatening. She also hates being stared at because of her scars.
Poor baby. I'd say give her some sort of alternative trait to when she's warmed up to someone, like maybe a bit of playfulness or something, and perhaps a dose of something like brashness, cowardice, recklessness, ambition, fearfulness — things like how she'd react instinctively or quickly to situations.
Fears: Algophobia - Fear of Pain
Aphenphosmphobia - Fear of Being Touched
Makes sense.
Overall Review:
The Good Parts::
— The names are all good
— The ranks are interesting
— The abilities are decent
— The appearance is amazing
— The backstory is mostly good
— The concepts are all pretty cool
The Bad Parts::
— The backstory has a few inconsistencies
— The personality needs a little work
— The "She can go almost seven days without water and three without food" part in the abilities section doesn't quite make sense
How To Improve + Suggestions:
For the backstory — Well, there are a few inconsistencies. For example: Why would a spy patrol be on their ally's land? Why was Tarantula's father killed? How was she "deemed too young to fight in the arena," when Scarlet doesn't care about how young a dragon is and would've thrown her in the arena?
I already suggested a whole reason for that, though: Tarantula's mother was an ex-commander for Blister. I even rewrote the whole backstory using that reason, so there's that. Tarantula's mother being an ex-commander for Blister would solve all of the inconsistencies.
For the personality — I recommend a contrasting trait for dragons she's warmed up to. It could even be something little, like being a little more open or playful or something.
Another something I'd recommend is a dose of a reactive trait or two; a trait that would come to play when Tarantula's in a quickly-acting situation.
For the abilities — It's really only the first sentence. It doesn't quite make sense, and you don't really explain it; if this is because of her bad health, maybe just say that she can't last as long without water and food as most other SandWings because of her bad health.
My Rating:
9.5/10
Originality: 25/25 (This character is completely original)
Realism: 20/25 (2.5 points knocked off for the inconsistencies in the backstory, 1 point knocked off for the first sentence in the "abilities" section, 1.5 points knocked off for the personality)
Interest: 25/25 (I'm very interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 25/25 (This character is very unique)