45 ; stress
Lily and I drove back home, dropping the crib off with James before I grabbed one of my 'false satin' - nylon based satin - robes. I explained to Sirius that we were going to Hogwarts, but that he nor James were allowed to come.
"Why not?" Sirius had pouted, Esme on his hip. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her eyes droopy.
"Not only will we be gone for a while, likely having to stop somewhere to sleep for the night," I said as I smiled at my daughter. "But it's also a girl's trip."
"Then why aren't you taking James?"
Lily snickered, as I rolled my eyes.
"Also," I said quietly. "Minerva would likely kick us out before we stepped foot in the castle if we brought you baffoons back there."
"Well tell kitty I said hi."
"I am not calling her kitty."
"You're boring."
I rolled my eyes as I kissed Sirius' cheek. I kissed Esme's forehead before Lily and I left for our journey.
Since I wasn't completely sure where I was going, but knew the general direction, we sent a Patronus to Albus. We told him we were going to try to fly/drive to Hogsmeade, and that a search party may be necessary if we don't get there by nightfall the next day. I added, for clarity, that I did not know where I was going, but had a general idea of the direction.
We got a response when we got into the air. Albus said to keep him updated, that he would ensure that someone was at Hogsmeade to escort us to the castle. He said he would tell Minerva we were coming to see her.
So, Lily and I were on the way to Hogwarts.
At some point, when it began to get really dark, we lowered to the ground. I parked in a field, quietly hoping nobody would happen upon us in the middle of the night.
"What kind of buffoons drive a flying car to Hogwarts?"
"Apparently we do," I said quietly as I crawled into the back of the car. I laid across the first row of seats. After failing to get comfortable, I charmed the seat to be more comfortable, and a little wider. "This was a stupid idea."
"It is a stupid idea," Lily laughed as she did the same to the row of seats behind me. "But it has been fun."
"You only say that because I let you have control over the cassette."
"You are a liar if you try to say you don't enjoy my music," Lily snickered. "You sang along the last time!"
"Because it has been the same twelve songs for nearly seven hours!"
Lily and I laughed, as we both also admitted how completely stupid this idea was.
"Why didn't we Floo?"
"Are the fireplaces in Hogwarts connected to the Floo network?"
"I'm quite certain there are fireplaces in Hogsmeade. The village does have occupants and visitors that aren't students."
"Why didn't we Floo?"
Lily snickered before she transfigured some pillows out of little objects she brought. She tossed one to me, doing the same for some thick blankets. We had enchanted the car to stay at a steady temperature, but it was purposely set a bit low for comfort's sake. Both of us liked sleeping with blankets.
"I hope nobody else is foolish enough to do this," I said as I curled myself into my blanket. "Especially our children."
"I don't know, Jem," Lily snorted. "Our children are our children. Look at their parents; their mothers are doing this, and their fathers were some of the most notorious Hogwarts pranksters. Ever."
"This wedding planning is driving me nuts," I said quietly. "It is so much more stressful now than it was planning your wedding."
"That's because it was my wedding. Everything that you did was what I asked. Now you are making the decisions, and therefore are obsessing over the details of said decisions."
"Had you not been a witch, you'd be a psychiatrist."
"I always wanted to be a teacher."
"You did?"
She was silent, and then she laughed. "Yes, I did. I forgot you can't see me nod."
"You're a buffoon."
"So are you."
We fell silent after snickering at one another, and my thoughts were invaded by worry. I was terrified. I wanted nothing more than to be able to not stress this much, but the mixture of the wedding, and the likely outcome... I was beyond stressed.
And being this stressed was not good, for me or for them.
"Hey, Lily."
"Yeah?" Her voice was soft and sleepy. I sighed inwardly.
"I'm scared."
I heard her moving, and her head was suddenly peaking over the back of the seat. I met her eyes, and even in the dim light, she immediately saw the tears in my own eyes. She furrowed her eyebrows, crawling over the back of the seat. I smiled weakly as I scooted over, quietly charming the seat to widen even more. It now pressed against the back of the driver's seat, and Lily was laying beside me.
She accio-ed her blanket and pillow, having forgotten to actually grab them. Her eyes met mine, and she searched my face for any clue as to what was wrong.
"Why?"
"I can't go through it again," I said quietly, my left eye burning particularly bad as a tear from my right eye fell over the bridge of my nose, and into my left eye. Lily furrowed her eyebrows further. "I cannot handle that pain again."
"Are you talking about your Mum and Dad? Are you worried about someone dying?" Lily asked, and I shook my head softly. I was too afraid to even say it. I was afraid to jinx it. "Jem-"
Her voice cut out, and she looked as though she was going through an entire month of memories. She probably was.
"That's why James said you looked as though someone had torn your heart out when he told you."
"I didn't mean to," I said quietly. "Lily, I swear, I wanted nothing more than to immediately be overjoyed."
"I believe you, Minnow," Lily said softly, her eyes beginning to water as I rolled my head away from her, just a bit. I blinked the tears from my eyes, tracing their wet tracks in my mind. Lily gently placed a hand on my stomach, and I let out a weak cry. "I'm sorry, Jem."
"I'm so scared," I cried as she gently forced her right arm under my head, using that arm, and her left hand, to pull me close to her. As I practically stuffed my face into her collar, she wrapped her right arm around me, resting it on my right shoulder. Lily rested her cheek against the side of my head. I cried against her shoulder as she gently rubbed my back. "I don't want to go through it again."
"It's a good thing you know," Lily said quietly. "With Fleamont, your body didn't even acknowledge that he existed. This time, you are at least showing some sort of sign, to know."
I couldn't reply, and as I cried into Lily's shoulder, I fought away the traumatic memories.
I didn't even realize I fell asleep until I woke up.
Lily woke me up, gently shaking my shoulder. The moment I was conscious enough to know that it wasn't a part of the dream I'd been having, I flinched.
It was incredibly bright.
Covering my eyes, I rolled away from Lily, and into the seats beside us.
"Who's idea was it to sleep in the car?" I grumbled quietly.
"Your's."
"Don't let me make decisions."
"This whole trip was your idea," Lily snorted. "We should probably get going, there was a very startled Muggle farmer that woke me, he yelled to leave, or else. He ran back to get his gun."
"Is that what James is referring to as 'boom-sticks'?"
"Yes."
"Alrighty then," I snickered as I forced myself to get up. I quickly shook my head, hoping to shake the tiredness away. As I crawled into the front seat, Lily reversed the charms on the seats, grabbing her blanket. She wrapped it around herself as she sat in the front seat. "The temperature enchantment is super nice."
"Permanent blanket temperature? Hell yeah."
I snorted as I started the car, flicking the invisibility switch before the flying switch.
"Do you think anyone will believe him, given there's no tire tracks?"
"Absolutely not."
"I figured."