Hachi
~8~
“Sand? Sand! Uy Gising na s’ya!” buong pag-aalalang bulalas ng isang pamilyar na boses nang unti-unti ko nang imulat ang mga mata ko. Ilang mga tao ang agad na nagsilapit sa tabi ng kamang kinalalagyan ko. “Okay ka lang, Sand? May masakit ba sayo?” tanong ulit nung naunang boses na pagmamay-ari pala ni Kuya Kei. Katabi ng mukha n’ya ay ang mga mukha nina Kuya Jyu at Kuya Jei.
“Sand! Sand!” agad na tanong ni Oka-sama nang makalapit na s’ya sa higaan ko. Halos mangiyak-ngiyak na s’ya habang nagtatanong sa akin. Parang gusto n’ya pa nga akong yakapin pero pinigilan lang n’ya ang sarili. Kasi naman may dextrose pa ako at lahat. “I’m so glad you’re safe. Yukata! Hontoni yukata.”At tuluyan na nga s’yang napaiyak. Kuya Jei and Kuya Jyu patted her back to comfort her while Kuya Kyu was just sitting near the window and just looking at us.
“Oka-sama, I’m fine. I’m not hurt thanks to Paolo..” Natigilan ako nang mabanggit ko ang pangalan ni Paolo. “Si Paolo!” bulalas ko. Dapat naman talaga akong mag-alala diba? I mean, he saved my life for heaven’s sake!
“Si Paolo?” balik na tanong ni Kuya Kei. Ay hindi, si Sand. Hinahanap ko ang sarili ko. Hindi ko kasi mahanap eh. Saan ko kaya nailagay. “Nasa adjacent room s’ya. Natutulog. Dumaan kasi s’ya sa iba’t ibang procedures.
“I’m so glad that Paolo saved you, Sand. I am really indebted to him. I don’t know what will I do if something bad happened to you,” ani Oka-sama habang pinapahiran ng panyo ang mga luha n’ya.
“Oka-sama, I’m in good condition now. We should be worrying about Paolo instead,” sabi ko kay Oka-sama.
Pinahiran n’ya ulit ang mga luha n’ya.
“I never knew that you and that Paolo kid are very close, Sand,” said Kuya Jei na nakatayo sa tabi ni Oka-sama. He was beaming a small smile as he looked at me.
Napayuko nalang ako. Hindi ko maintindihan ang actions ni Paolo. Minsan ang hirap n’yang basahin. Katulad nung pagliligtas n’ya sa akin. Nabangga pa s’ya. What were his motives when he saved me? Ano bang makukuha n’ya sa pagliligtas n’ya sa akin?
I am a cynic, I must admit. Whenever I smell the scent of flowers, I look for a grave. I don’t believe in genuine kindness. Such thing doesn’t exist. Everyone, just everyone, has their own hidden motives with their every action. Everyone is selfish in one way or another. We gain something that is why we do something. It’s the law of the world. It is a part of human nature. Our common selfishness allowed us to survive and also make us vulnerable to manipulations by people who can perceive our desires and needs.
A person like me harnesses those hidden motives to clandestinely and subtly manipulate people. I am very much aware that I sound so evil right now but believe me, there’s no other way for me to tell this without sounding wicked.
Due to my hidden manipulative nature, I both detest and like people that are unpredictable, they’re difficult to manipulate and thus, are quite exciting to observe.An unpredictable person never fails to entertain me. But Paolo is a different case. Yes, he’s unpredictable but he annoys me more than entertain me. Naiinis ako sa kanya. Hindi ko s’ya maintindihan. Nabangga pa tuloy s’ya at nag-agaw-buhay. Why was he contradicting everything that I’ve known about him?
“Gusto ko s’yang bisitahin,” tanging nasabi ko at agad na sinubukang umalis sa hospital bed.
“Ingat ka, Sand,” pag-aalala ni Kuya Kei.
How ironic. Halos hindi man lang ako nagalusan pero mas nag-alala pa sila sa akin kesa kay Paolo. “I’m fine.” I took the IV infusion stand and started to walk towards the door of the room.
“Sand!” tawag ni Oka-sama sa akin pero nagpatuloy lang ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa makarating na ako sa pintuan.
“I’m really fine, Oka-sama,” I assured her. “I just have to talk to Paolo.”
“Samahan na kita,” pagvo-volunteer ni Kuya Kei but I refused. Gusto kong makausap si Paolo ng mag-isa.
Kuya Jei intervened and convinced Kuya Kei and Oka-sama to let me see Paolo. “Siguro gusto n’ya lang magpasalamat kay Paolo.”
With that, I left the room.
Nakukonsensya ako kasi nang dahil sa pagliligtas ni Paolo sa akin kaya nanganib ang buhay n’ya. Hindi ko mapigilang sisihin ang sarili ko. Nakukonsensya rin ako kasi aminado naman ako na I am acting like a jerk towards him pero sa kabila nun niligtas n’ya pa rin ako. Parang gusto kong mainis sa kanya dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang motive n’ya behind his actions. And I feel like I’m a wicked person right now.
Kumatok muna ako bago pumasok. Buti nalang at nasa adjacent room lang si Paolo kaya hindi ako nahuli ng mga nurses. Kung nahuli ako edi balik ako sa kwarto ko. Nadatnan ko s’yang mag-isa sa loob. Mukhang natutulog s’ya kaya marahan nalang akong pumasok at sinara ang pinto. Without a sound, I made my way towards a chair near the bedside table na may nakalagay na bouquet ng camellias. Galing yata yun sa garden ni Oka-sama kasi may camellias din siya dun. Feeling ko lang naman.
Ilang minutes rin akong nakatanga lang sa loob ng kwarto at nakatingin lang sa bintana. Napansin kong hindi na ito yung ospital na una naming pinuntahan. Mukhang mas malaking hospital na ito eh.
I must say that Paolo was a really tough guy. He was hit by a speeding car, for heaven’s sake, and yet he survived! Not to sound like I want him dead ah.
Habang nakatanga ako at nag-iisip kung ano ang itatanong ko sa kanya, nagulat nalang ako nang may biglang humawak sa kamay ko na nakapatong sa higaan.
“Ay, nutella!” gulat kong bulalas nang maramdaman ko ang medyo malamig na kamay na humawak sa wrist ko.
“Sand?” mahinang sabi ni Paolo.
“Wag ka n’gang nanggugulat.” I frowned at him.
He made a weak smile. “S-sorry.”
“Okay ka na ba?” tanong ko kay Paolo. I tried to sound like I don’t really care about him. I’m not affectionate.
“Medyo masakit lang yung sugat ko pero ayos naman ako. Parang nabugbug lang,” sagot n’ya. “Yung mga kidnappers? Ano nang nagyari sa kanila? Tsaka yung driver ng kotse? Ikaw? Hindi ka ba nasaktan?”
“Ayos lang ako. Gusto mo bang sampahan ng kaso ang driver? S’ya na raw ang sasagot sa lahat ng gastusin mo.”
“Mabuti naman at ayos ka lang. Ayoko nang sampahan ng kaso yung driver. Sinabi ni Kuya Kei na sasagutin na daw ng driver yung gastos sa ospital. Tama na yun,” he smiled bitterly. Ngayon ko narealize na ang bait naman pala ni Paolo.
“Ikaw ang bahala pero kung magbago ang isip mo, just let me know. No one messes around with a Mikado, Pao,” I said. Naguluhan s’ya sa sinabi ko pero hindi ko na kinlarify ang sinabi ko. Bahala s’yang mag-isip.
I really like making people think about the things that I say. It’s really handy if you want to make them think about something then really mean another thing. Their understanding and interpretation of what I said was not my fault. Kasalanan nila yun dahil mali ang interpretation. For that reason, I genuinely appreciate people who can read between the lines.
There was silence between us. Hindi ko halos matingnan si Paolo. More like ayoko s’yang tingnan.
“Bakit?” tangi kong tanong habang nakayuko pa rin. Ang drama na nito pero wala akong maisip na ibang paraan para i-confront s’ya.
I hate confrontations, I really do, pero kapag hindi ko s’ya na-confront ay sure akong magiging awkward ang lahat ng sandaling makakasalamuha ko s’ya. Hassle yan sa akin. Ayoko ng ganyan. Alam ko kung ano ang kaya kong gawin kapag sobrang naging hassle na sa akin ang makipagsalamuha ko kay Paolo- I may cut him out of my life. And it was something I wouldn’t want to do to him unless I have no other choice.
“Bakit? Anong klaseng tanong yan?” tanong din ang sinagot n’ya sa tanong ko. I raised my head only to meet his eyes, inquisitive and very keen. Iniwas ko nalang ang tingin ko.
He chuckled but abruptly stopped once he felt pain from his wound. I just looked at him with worry.
“Bakit mo ako niligtas?” pagpapatuloy ko nang makita kong naging okay na ang expression n’ya. “Hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi naman tayo ganun ka-close! We act like jerks towards each other! That’s why I don’t understand!” I balled my fists. Naiinis ako. Feeling ko ang tanga ko. Hindi ko makita kung ano ang magi-gain n’ya dito. I looked at him straight in the eyes. “What will you gain from this?”
His face was serious and unreadable while I was already scowling at him.
“Ang komplikado mo naman, Sand,” maikli n’yang sagot pagkatapos ay marahang tumawa na natigil na naman dahil sa sakit na mula sa sugat n’ya pero tumawa na naman ulit. Masokista ba tong taong to? Nasasaktan na nga s’ya kapag tumatawa pero nagpupumilit paring tumawa. Parang timang lang. “Simple lang naman ang rason ko kung bakit ko ginawa yun.”
I changed my expression from an impatient to a quizzical one.
“Kaibigan kita. Sapat na yung dahilan para iligtas kita.” He made a smile again but this time it’s warm. Yes, it’s warm. Yung tipong masasabi mo na bukal sa loob n’ya yung ginawa n’ya.
Yun bang- basta.
Simple-minded si Paolo, I think. At isa yan sa reasons why hindi ko s’ya maintindihan. Hindi ako sanay makisalamuha sa mga taong halos walang ulterior motives as I believe that everyone has one or two pero Paolo just single-handedly defied how I generally view people. His simple mind just made my mind go contradicting itself, raising a huge internal battle within me. A part of me was saying that I should trust him yet another part was saying not just yet.
“P-pero wala kang mage-gain dito! You would have lost your life if hindi tayo agad nakapunta sa ospital! At isa pa, galit ka sa akin diba? Binubully mo ako eh,” pagkontra ko. Ako na ang kontrabida.
He broke the eye contact at ipinukol ang tingin sa may bintana. “Ah. Oo. Tinutukso nga kita pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na galit ako sayo. Sa totoo lang, kabaliktaran ang nararamdaman ko para sayo.”
“Ha?” tanong ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa kanya.
“Natutuwa ako sayo. Naaalala ko sayo ang nakababata kong kapatid,” he said melancholically. His face was showing a saddened expression as he looked at the sky outside through the window. There was a faraway look in his eyes.
Kapatid? May kapatid pala itong si Paolo? Pano naman nangyari yun? “Diba only child ka?
Pano nangyaring may kapatid ka?” Napatingin sya sa akin.
Nag-atubili s’ya bago nagsalita.“Only child nga ako.” Ramdam kong seryosong-seryoso s’ya sa pagsasalita n’ya.
“Eh pano ka nagkaroon ng kapatid nun? Adopted sibling?”
He dished a nadulas-ang-dila-ko expression then he glanced sideways, avoiding my eyes. He seemed to have hesitated before speaking. “Naging solong anak ako nung mamatay s’ya.” He turned his head, trying to prevent me from seeing his face.
There was a long silence. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magrereact sa sinabi n’ya.
Ayoko talaga sa topic na may namamatay ng maaga. Sa mga kwentong ganun ko narerealize na sobrang ikli ng buhay. Yung bang nare-realize mo na sobrang swerte mo dahil tumagal ka ng ilang taon habang yung iba maagang namamatay. Kaya ng kahit na puno ng pressure itong buhay ko, kahit na palaging naki-question at nakakalimutan ang identity ko at kahit na may times na nagrereklamo ako about sa buhay ko; hindi ko magawang sabihin ng tuwiran na ayoko sa buhay ko dahil alam ko, somewhere dito sa mundo, may taong pinapangarap ang buhay na tinatamasa ko ngayon. And it’s humbling.
Ang lalim diba? Pero ewan ko. Mas mature daw ako mag-isip kesa sa mga batang kaedad ko. Kahit nung bata pa ako, napapansin na daw yun ni Oka-sama. Hindi raw ako masyadong malikot kungkumilos di tulad ng ibang bata. Behave lang ako at usually, ako pa ang sumasaway sa mga kaklase ko kapag masyado na silang makulit. Intolerant kasi ako sa mga taong childish and stupid kung umasta.
Nalungkot ako dahil sa sinabi ni Paolo. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said gloomily, sympathizing after more than a minute of silence.
Nagpatuloy naman s’ya sa pagkikwento. “Ako ang rason kung bakit namatay s’ya. Hindi ko s’ya nabantayan ng maayos. Nakidnap s’ya at pinatay. Hindi ko man lang alam ang dahilan kung bakit.” The strong and powerful voice that Paolo often used broke down into muffled sobs. The aura of a compelling person vanished. He was no more than a wounded man in my eyes and such sight invoked the caring side of me. “Ayaw rin akong sabihan ng mga magulang ko. Sinabi lang nila na hindi ko dapat sisihin ang sarili ko dahil wala namang may gusto sa sinapit ng kapatid ko.”
Para damayan s’ya, I patted his back, trying to calm him down. Yun lang ang kaya kong gawin.
“Kaya nung makita kitang kinikidnap, naalala ko ang nangyari sa kapatid ko. Wala akong ibang maisip kundi ang gawin ang isang bagay na hindi ko nagawa sa sarili kong kapatid.”
“I see. Ngayon alam ko na.” Paolo’s reason surprised me. Hindi ko ini-expect na ganito ka lalim ang rason n’ya sa pagliligtas n’ya sa akin. So he does have an ulterior motive. And that he’s not really defying my view of people.
Now I am able to see the reasons and motivations behind his actions. I also gained an insight regarding the other side of Paolo’s personality.
He does have something to gain from saving me and they are intangible- redemption and forgiveness. He wanted to redeem and forgive himself for not being able to protect his younger sibling. Selfish reasons, yes, but I was saved by those selfish reasons.
Hindi ko man naranasan ang sakit ng mawalan ng kapatid pero ramdam ko mula sa kanya ang pain. It was written all over his face and it was almost unbearable to see how a proud and strong guy crumbled into pieces.
“Thank you,” halos inaudible kong sabi kaya naman pinaulit ni Paolo kasi daw hindi n’ya narinig. “THANK YOU!” halos pasigaw ko namang sabi this time sabay iwas sa tingin n’ya.
Nakakahiya tong situation na ito.
Nakita kong may mga traces ng luha sa gilid ng mga mata ni Paolo pero hindi ko nalang masyadong pinansin. “Ako rin. Sorry kasi lagi kitang iniinis. Pareho kasi kayo ng reaksyon ng kapatid ko kapag naiinis. Pareho kayong nagpa-pout. Kaya gustung-gusto kitang iniinis. Pasensya na.” Yung totoo, baliw ba tong taong to? Kanina kasi maluha-luha s’ya pero ngayon chuma-chuckle na naman. Ano ba yan? May topak.
“Forgiven,” I breathe out. “More than forgiven, actually.” This time, I said those words rather muffled made a smile at him. It was the first, genuinely warm smile I ever beamed at him.
In this type of friendship that we have, selfishness was the one that bound us together. And I would like to keep it as that.
“So, friends?” he extended his hand for me to shake and I did shook his hand in order to show agreement.
“Friends."
Since the day I could remember, I’ve been fond of building defenses and barriers around myself. I’ve always distanced myself from everyone, locking myself in my own world- a monochromatic world. But somehow, someone managed to break through my defenses and forced himself into my world. And I was, surprisingly, happy with that. It felt like as if I am saved from the prison that I, myself, created.
Indeed, he was my salvation. And in turn, I am his redemption.
Paolo, the first person to ever hurt me verbally was, unexpectedly, also the first person whom I genuinely considered as a friend.
Ironic, isn’t it?