#IHK78
Hindi talaga alam ni Miala kung bakit siya nandoon at kung paano siya nakaalis sa apartment nila at sa harap ng nanay niya. Basta ang alam niya lang nandoon na siya sa harap ng bahay nila Lenard.
Hindi niya rin alam kung saan nanggagaling ang biglang inis niya. Basta bigla na lang naramdaman na kailangan niyang kausapin si Lenard. Pagkatapos bumuhos lahat ng emosyon niya sa pag-uusap nila ng nanay niya, hindi niya mapigilang maramdaman lahat ng mga kaugnay na issue tungkol dito.
That all along, she has just been keeping her angst at bay dahil puro iyak at moping lang ang inatupag niya nitong mga nakaraang araw. Na 'pagkatapos ng unsuccessful pursuit niya, 'hindi na niya maitago 'yung distress na nararamdaman niya.
Halos hindi niya alam kung ngangatngatin niya 'yung kuko niya o sasabunutan ang sarili niya sa sobrang anxiousness na nanggagaling hanggang buto niya. Kaya nang lumabas si Lenard, halos salubungin niya ito at magkabungguan sila.
"Mia!"
""Did you ever say anything to Angeli?" Agad niyang tanong. Hindi na siya nagpaligoy-ligoy pa.
"H-ha?" Gulat si Lenard sa salubong niyang tanong."
"Just answer me."
"W-what?" Hindi pa rinn ma-proseso ng lalaki ang mga sinasabi ni Mia dahil sa kabiglaan. "Pumasok muna tayo."
"Hindi nga ako papasok!" Halos sumigaw si Miala pero pinigilan nito ang sarili na tuluyang mag-hurumentado. Kanina pa kasi nakababad ang tanong na ito sa utak niya kaya para na lang siyang bombang sasabog.
"Okay! Okay!" Itinaas pa ni Lenard ang kamay niya as if surrendering.
"So ano nga?! Did you tell that bitch about my miscarriage?!" Miala said with uncoordinated pauses.
Napatigil muli si Lenard bago napatango.
"A-ano?" Hindi makapaniwalang sagot ni Miala kahit na alam niya naman na ito lang talaga ang paraan para malaman ng nanay niya ang lahat. She was so sure earlier. Pero iba pa rin pala kapag narinig mo na mismo sa bibig mismo ng kausap mo.
"I'm sorry, Mia."
Agad itong humingi ng tawad dahil naintindihan naman ni Lenard ang lahat. Dahil ang totoo, he has already deduced what has transpired. Ano pa nga bang nangyari kung bakit nalaman ng nanay ni Miala ang lahat kahit wala pa sa kanila ang unang umaamin?
Siya na naman ang may kasalanan. Kahit sa kahuli-hulihang sandali, wala pa rin talagang itatama ang ginagawa niya.
"Eh ang galing mo rin pala eh." Miala said tearfully. Magkahalong galit at lungkot sa mga mata nito. She was just too helpless, at alam ni Lenard 'yon.
"It was out of my anger—"
"Well thanks to your anger, nasira na relasyon ng magulang natin. 'Yun na nga lang tanging natitirang magandang koneksyon sa pagitan natin, wala na."
And Lenard felt that. And it hit him harder than how he has expected. Dahil tama naman talaga ito. It may not be pure when they started out as a family especially with their muddled feelings for each other, but it was true. They were really a family, and this bond could've been the last strand of bond they could've had.
Pero ano na rin ngayon?
"It could've been resolved with a good timing, Lenard." Giit ni Miala nang hindi magsalita ang lalaki. "Puwede sana... Mas magaang sana 'pagtanggap ni mama sa mga consequences ng mga kasalanan natin, kung ako ang nagsabi— kaming dalawa ng dad mo. O ikaw. Pero alam mo na ngang baliw 'yung babaeng 'yun, sinabi mo pa rin..."
"I'm sorry."
"Hindi ko maintindihan, minsan gusto kong maaawa sa'yo Len, because I tell myself, the same lie each night, that you have your reasons, at naiipit ka lang din. Pero sana bago ka magalit. Before you throw your fit of anger, isipin muna natin." Napailing si Miala. "I'll do the same... I'll try to do the same." Dugtong niya because she knew mahirap naman talaga when your emotions get ahead of you.
"I'll be better Mia... I'll be a better person." Nakayukong sabi ni Lenard.
"Let's be better persons, okay?" Sagot ni Mia na parang nagmamakaawa. Kay Lenard at sa sarili niya.
At parang batang tumango si Lenard bago tuluyang naglakad palayo si Miala.
And once again, she's lost. She has been so familiar with these feelings that she may have really not known how it is to be not. Dahil sa tagal niya nang ganito with her fleeing feelings and transient happiness, parang unti-unti na lang siyang nasasanay.
And she didn't know if she would like to be used to it. 'Yung dapat ba wala na lang siyang maramdaman para maging madali na lang lahat? She would not react. She would not cry. She would just take it all in, and continue living.
Pero ang kapalit nito, she would not feel anything. She would not be raw. At hindi niya alam kung gusto niyang masanay ng ganito. Hindi nga nag-iinarte sa mga maliliit na bagay, pero wala na ring nararamdaman. At kung ganoon, baka hindi na lang din niya maramdaman kung paano maging masaya ng totoo.
Before she realized it, nakarating na siya sa overlooking. Tears fell down her eyes na parang sinasabi ng katawan niya na mas pipiliin niya na lang na makaramdam ng totoo, kaysa tuluyang maging matigas katulad ng mundo.
At kung kanina— na wala man lang lumabas na luha sa kanya sa pakikipag-usap niya kay Lenard kahit na gapatak, ngayon lang lahat ito bumuhos. Because even though she really wanted to be strong, she still choose to be soft. And in her softness, she caves in.
"Hay..." She whispers as she wipes her own tears. She tries to cheer herself up. Because if she wouldn't, no one would make her stop. It's just her, and her alone. Which makes her all the more sad. Kaya nalungkot na naman siya, and another wave of uncontrollable sob came into her.
She thought at this kind of place, makakasigaw siya. The moment where she can just shout her problems out like in the flicks. Pero wala na siyang ganong magawa. Wala na siyang enerhiya at kakayahan para sumigaw pa. She can just cry and laugh at her misfortunes, and wish that somehow, she can still find joy in everything.
She just gripped the railings as she prepare to leave.
Nang maramdaman niyang may yumakap sa likod niya.
And even without saying anything, she just felt herself cry even more.
"I'm sorry..." It's Andres.
She felt her body stiffened.
Noong una, inisip niya muna kung nananaginip ba siya. She had been searching for him for so long. Buong araw, hindi niya ito makita-kita. But just when she's about to give up, he's just there. Like a dream.
She felt him burrow his chin on her right shoulder.
Kumawala siya sa pagkakayakap at humarap dito para yumakap muli. Ng mas mahigpit.
"No... I'm sorry." Pagtatama niya dito. Dahil ang totoo, wala naman itong kasalanan. Siya 'tong punung-puno ng kasinungalingan at sikreto sa katawan. And he was just there to absorb it.
"What's there to be sorry about?"
And she looked at him. And he looked so sad. Disappointed even, in her eyes. And it pained her. God knows the amount of joy she has in her heart right now, na hindi lang siguro maipaliwanag dahil sa mas madami pang luhang pumapatak sa mga mata niya. Sobrang gulo. Masaya siya at nalulungkot ng sabay.
But she was just glad that he's here. So she can explain.
"T-that I'm such a dirty person? And I pretended to be a virtuous little lady... para lang magmukhang kailangan mo pa akong abutin... paghirapan..."
"Don't say that."
"I have to..."
"Ano ba, Miala..."
"I have to say this... Once and for all... Ganito ako. Madumi."
"Stop saying you are dirty. Hindi ka madumi!"
"But why did you leave?!" Tumaas bigla ang boses ni Mia. "Bakit hindi ka na ma-contact. Isn't it because you thought the same?!"
"No Mia! There's nothing you'll say that can make me love less! Totoo 'yan! Pero tao lang ako. I have so many things in my mind! And just so you know, Matti died! So I have to do a lot of things! And then a lot of things happened back at home that I have to go back! Mia, things happened pero kahit kailan hindi ko inisip na madumi ka."
Mia can't say anything else. Even the mention of their dog Matti gave shivers in her spine.
"I was affected. Okay? I admit it. I needed to think. I needed to step back and and be rational." Andres' voice transitions again into a softer tone. "And that's why I am sorry. For leaving. For not answering your calls. For making you feel like miserable. I'm sorry."
"How are you like this?"
"Like what?"
"Too good..." Miala replied in between sobs. "To me..."
"Huwag ka nang umiyak..." Ani Andres na parang lalo pang magpapaiyak kay Miala.
She felt good and guilty all at the same time.
"Halika nga dito..." He said as he pulled her again to his embrace.
"I am not... Ang totoo, I promised to be there for you whenever, but I was the first one you can't find. Oh god, I can't believe you are here."
"No... I... can't believe you are here." Ulit ni Mia pertaining to herself. Because it's true. Hindi pa rin makapaniwala si Miala na nandoon na ito sa harap niya. "I thought I'm also gonna lose you."
"Also?"
Tumango si Mia.
"You know how I lost a lot of people in my life, right?"
Bahagyang ngumiti si Andres.
"Mia you didn't lose them. They lost you."
Miala felt her facial muscles contract na parang gusto niya ulit humagulgol.
"And you're not losing me?"
"Only if you don't want me to..."
"Of course... What makes you think I want to lose you?"
"K-kasi... Kasi..."
"Bakit ba hindi ka talaga naniniwala sa'kin? That my intentions are good."
"Because I don't deserve it?"
Andres almost rolled his eyes on Miala's cynicism on herself but decides otherwise.
"Alam mo... Ganito na lang. Let me take you somewhere."
"Saan?"
"Basta... To the place that might convince you..."
"Convince me of what?"
*later*
>>Next Chapter: Chapter 79 - Yellow