Got another screenplay for you to look at again this week. The purpose of this was to build tension in the scene, but I'm not sure if I've managed to do that okay, so if you can give me feedback, that would be really helpful. The main character, Owen, has paranoid schizophrenia which can lead to delusions. I don't know if I've maybe overplayed it here though, so let me know your thoughts.
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Fade In:
Int. Coffee Shop. Day
Distant conversations can be heard as the door to the coffee shop opens. OWEN walks in, alone, and gestures to THE BARISTA. The barista nods and turns, starting to prepare Owen's drink.
Owen sits down at a table by the window. He takes off his fedora and produces a newspaper from his briefcase. The door opens again, and JACK walks in. His path is set for Owen. He slides into the booth opposite Owen and waits expectantly, hands clasped in front of him. He keeps his fedora on.
OWEN
(Turning a page)
My answer is still no.
JACK
I know. I know. I haven't come here to
talk business. I've just come to speak
with you. Father to son.
OWEN
(Scoffs)
It's never 'just' anything. Since when
have we done heart-to-hearts?
JACK
Since now. Look, I know I haven't been
the most supportive of fathers -
Owen laughs and throws his paper down.
JACK (CONT'D)
(Unfazed)
- but your mother and I, we do still
care about you Owen. We only want
what's best for you.
OWEN
(Quietly, leaning forward)
You don't want shit for me. You only
care about your crappy business and
whether I'm going to be there to carry
it on when you croak. Well, newsflash:
I'm not interested.
JACK
That's not true son. I'm concerned -
we're both concerned - about what
you're going to do if you leave. Where
are you going to go? What will you do
for a job?
OWEN
You think I can't handle myself?
JACK
That's not what I'm saying.
OWEN
You think I'm completely dependent on
you and mom, don't you?
JACK
That's not what I'm saying at all.
Stop twisting my words.
OWEN
I could live without you. My life
would be better without you.
The Barista appears by the table and sets Owen's drink.
BARISTA
You should just kill him, Owen.
Jack doesn't react. Owen looks up in surprise. The Barista gives Owen an odd look and walks away.
A LADY WITH SMALL BABY walks past. Stops at the table and turns.
LADY WITH SMALL BABY
He doesn't want what's best for you,
Owen. He only wants what's best for
himself. You don't need him. You
should just kill him.
Again, Jack doesn't appear to notice her speak. Owen scrunches his eyes up, trying to block her out. The lady with small baby tuts and shakes her head, before moving off again.
A LITTLE BOY walks towards the table to retrieve a toy car. He stands up and turns to Owen.
LITTLE BOY
Life will be so much simpler if you
just kill him. You need to stop being
told what to do and live your own
life.
Owen screams out. His face twists, and he hits the table hard with his hand.
Owen
Shut up. Everybody shut up. Shut up.
Shut up.
The cafe quietens. The Barista comes back over.
Barista
Sir. Can I ask you to put down that
knife and step outside please?
Owen looks down. The audience notices that in his anger, Owen has reached out for the utensil stand and has pulled a knife. He points it at Jack. For a moment, he aims it at the Barista who scarpers, then turns it back to Jack.
He blinks, processing what just happened, before he drops the knife back onto the table and running out, leaving his things behind.