[ 08. is it right ]
J E O N G G U K
here's a long one because i
suck at updating sorry fam
also i'll edit it later alligators (:
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Reality doesn't hit Jeongguk until he hops over the window and lands on the cool carpeting of his bedroom floor, lips still split in a wide grin from the fact that, damn, he actually just did that.
His fingers absentmindedly brush over the outline of his mouth, the feeling of Taehyung's lips on his own is unbelievable. He's acting like a teenager who just had their first kiss, which he is, his stomach full of childish giddiness and warmth. All of this is surreal to him; he didn't know kissing another boy would feel this way.
However, something feels off about his good mood when he settles himself into his bed.
The soft laughter filling the room changes into sniffles. The bright smile he wears faltering at the edges. It's not long until he realizes what he's done, and the painful reality that what he has commited is unforgivable, something he can't take back.
Jeongguk is staring at the ceiling when the first tear rolls down his cheek.
He's betrayed his parents, ignored all of his morals, tarnished his own image in giving in to temptation. He has truly sinned, and with that his heart feels heavier, the guilt weighing down on his chest. It simply crushes him, torments him, terrifies him.
Why did it feel so right then but so wrong now?
Nothing about kissing Taehyung feels right anymore. None of this is right, none of his actions are right - it's unforgivable. A boy isn't supposed to kiss a boy. A boy isn't supposed to like boys. Boys can't feel attracted to boys. Boys can't be with boys. God made sure of that, and the pain that rips at his chest surely is his punishment for sinning.
Suddenly his lips begin to burn, the essence of Taehyung on him beginning to feel like dirt has caked itself on his mouth rather than a sweet memory imprinting in his mind.
He swipes roughly at his mouth, tears stinging his eyes as droplets of salt cascade down his cheeks. Fear crawls up his throat, squeezing his lungs until his breathing quickens more rapidly.
"Shit," Jeongguk curses, the curse word bitter on his tongue. He stumbles out of bed, running to the bathroom with a nausea swirling in his stomach. He bursts past the door, hands flying to the edge of the ceramic sink, clutching the bowl tightly as he flicks on the faucet.
He washes his lips with hot water, scrubbing at the skin until it turns an irritated red and feels raw and painful. Jeongguk's sobs are drowned by the sound of rushing water, his jaw clamped tightly when the gross feeling wouldn't go away no matter how hard he scrubs.
Jeongguk cries out in pain, exhaling shakily as he shoves his fingers into his locks, tugging harshly at his scalp to rid the voice belittling him in his mind. He peers at himself in the mirror, wondering how he has allowed himself to do something too terrible, something so inhumane, and fucking wrong. He's become disgusting, indecent. To them, he's already a faggot, a monster, a gross pervert for succumbing to his temptations.
Yet despite his attempts to cleanse himself of his sin, he can't seem to erase the feeling of Taehyung off of him. It haunts him, a vivid reminder of what he's committed and it won't fucking go away.
"Leave me alone!" Jeongguk screams, words caught in his own tears. He slowly falls to the floor, sobs echoing off the tiles as he repeatedly shouts for the voice to leave him. Tears blur his vision, the hysteria driving him to the edge, muddling his thoughts.
"Jeongguk!" His mother calls out for him, but the boy is too upset to notice his mother and father have rushed into his bedroom.
Seeing the worry on his mother's face, Jeongguk cries harder, the sobs rattling in his chest. Instantly, she wraps her arms around him, cradling his head on her chest. She rubs his back soothingly, telling him that God will make everything that's troubling him alright, yet Jeongguk can't bring himself to believe her.
He knows deep down for sure she wouldn't be telling him that if she knew. If only she knew.
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He remains quiet for the rest of the week, not being able to provide his concerned parents an explanation for why he snapped that night. He also completely avoids Taehyung in every way possible whenever he can.
Lately Jeongguk's read Bible passages more than ever, drowning himself in scriptures and his father's sermons until he could no longer stand listening. He's abandoned his mother for the men's Bible study. God has punished him for his sins, and now, he has no choice but to make up for them by forcing himself to endure the hour to purify himself and believe in God's righteousness once more.
So he does it by becoming the perfect son, the perfect Christian - the perfect straight kid.
Whenever he gets a thought about Taehyung or any thought about boys, he's been taking his anger and shame and putting it into running. He runs more frequently, and when the thoughts get too much, he decides to shower in freezing cold water to eradicate the impurity from his skin.
He has scrubbed his skin raw until he can't feel Taehyung's touch any longer. He's lost track of the times he has spent standing underneath the icey water until his thoughts numb. His mother has even introduced him to a decent girl at church that week.
To be honest, it's like Taehyung isn't there. Jeongguk's carrying on with his life like how it's meant to be. He isn't supposed to be kissing boys or thinking about them in sexual ways. He's supposed to be focusing on his faith and getting a girlfriend to probably spend the rest of his life with. He's doing what he's born to do, and his parents haven't been so happy with him in months.
His world is seemingly perfect for once, though it doesn't last when he bumps into Taehyung.
Taehyung's irises are a shade darker (if that's even possible). The way he narrows his gaze at Jeongguk is filled with intense anger as he stares him down, the scowl sitting furiously on his lips. The younger gulps, murmuring an inaudible apology with hopes Taehyung would ignore this ever happened. However, it's obviously not the case, and by the looks of it, the blonde is enraged.
"Come with me," Taehyung's voice is flat, monotonous as his fingers coil around Jeongguk's small wrist. Taehyung seethes silently, his irritation radiating from his stance as he remains silent the rest of the way.
Taehyung roughly drags the boy down the empty hall and to the closet, ignoring the younger's protests to let him go. He doesn't release him even when the two enter the privacy of the janitor's closet, the older making sure to slam the door shut and stand in front of it to prevent the younger from escaping.
The blonde practically towers over Jeongguk, his arms pressed tightly over his broad chest. In that exact moment, Jeongguk knows he hasn't seen him so mad. He finds his stomach churning with the familiar feeling of regret.
"Why are you ignoring me?" Taehyung demands, his words harsh; sharp. Jeongguk gulps, avoiding the older's eyes. But before he can answer, he feels Taehyung's fingers slip beneath his chin, forcefully jutting his face upwards to meet his own.
"I said, why are you ignoring me?" He snaps, though as much as Jeongguk expects him to hurt him, he doesn't, even in his angered state.
He notices how Taehyung's trembling with agitation; the boy seems to be conflicted. Without another word, Taehyung exhales sharply, releasing his hold and taking a small step back. Jeongguk watches quietly as Taehyung runs a hand through his sandy locks, his eyes falling shut.
"Please," Taehyung's tone completely changes, becoming softer, gentler. He can't help but hear the pain behind each vowel that rolls off his tongue. "Jeongguk, what did I do?"
"You did nothing," Jeongguk murmurs faintly, bringing his gaze to his feet as his fingers play with the edge of his shirt. Taehyung is silent, and Jeongguk's never felt so confused in his entire life, and he's not sure whether he's upset for hurting Taehyung, or to be upset for betraying his family, his religion. He's not sure about anything.
Suddenly, Taehyung jerks towards him, his big hands finding their way to his waist. Jeongguk's breath hitches, the boy slowly lifting his head to look up at the older's gaze, latching onto his saddened irises. His hands then settle on Taehyung's shoulders, the tips of his fingers brushing against the wave of long locks that fall over the back of his neck. He bites down on his bottom lip, guilt flooding his senses, his mind screaming at him to pull away.
Before he knows it, Taehyung's lips are on his.
They're kissing, their lips moving with urgency, desperate for one another's touch. It's more rushed and hurried than their first, the intensity of their kiss stuck in a frenzy of hunger. Their noses are pressed firmly together, their mouths devouring every inch, every corner of each other's mouth leaving them wanting more.
They're both so fucking scared, scared they'll never get another chance, scared of themselves for craving something so sinful and wrong, yet here they are, kissing each other as if it's the only chance they'll ever have. Maybe it is.
Popping his lips off Jeongguk's hesistantly, Taehyung presses their foreheads together, completely breathless. "I want you to know, I don't want to hurt you," His fingers squeeze Jeongguk's hips, his head dipping down and pressing another sloppy kiss to the younger's mouth.
"I know that," Jeongguk mutters against his lips before pulling him in again, kissing him longer and deeper this time.
He makes a small sound when he feels Taehyung's cool, smoothbtouch slip beneath the waistband of his trousers, Jeongguk's eyes suddenly snap open when he realizes what's going on.
Feeling that exact same wave of disgust hit him once more, he shoves Taehyung off, nauseated. A flash of hurt passes through Taehyung's golden features, though he doesn't say a single word when Jeongguk wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
"I'm sorry," Jeongguk whispers hoarsely, pushing past Taehyung and out of the janitor's closet without looking back. I'm really, really sorry.
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Another week goes by, and Jeongguk's still keeping his distance. However, this week, his father isn't in town, leaving Jeongguk having to attend his mother's Bible study. It's also just his luck today - the study's being held at Taehyung's house. Awesome.
As much as he doesn't want to be near Taehyung, it looks like fate has other plans.
"Fix your tie," His mother scolds him lightly, the duo currently standing outside their front porch. Usually, they don't dress up for Bible studies, but Rachel has personally requested everyone to follow an 'English tea party' theme.
Honestly, Jeongguk has no idea what that is. All morning his mother and he have been fussing over what to wear. Sure, a tea party is understandable, but an English tea party? His mother in the end has decided to wear a simple sun dress and Jeongguk with his church clothes. City people are quite alienated.
"New Yorkers sure are interesting," His mother chuckles sweetly, the pair waiting patiently for Rachel to answer the door. Jeongguk nods silently, too busy fumbling with his tie to notice the door has swung open.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Jeon," Instantly, he freezes hearing that familiar baritone voice. He lifts his gaze from his chest to where Taehyung leans against the door frame, smiling brightly at them.
Eyes wide, Jeongguk follows his mother inside, his throat tightening when he feels Taehyung's hand brush against his hip. He tilts his head to where the older stands, quickly snapping his attention away when their gazes interlock.
Upon entering the Kim house, Jeongguk's baffled by how empty it is. Unlike their own, it's cluttered with decorations and family pictures. Everything about his own house screams "lived-in" to anyone who walks in, yet Taehyung's home looks fresh out of a catalog.
There's nothing personal on any of the shelves - just plain decor and vintage furniture.
"The women are out back," Taehyung gestures past the screen door, suddenly standing right behind the younger. Jeongguk tries to ignore how Taehyung rests his palm on the dip of his hip. Thankfully, his mother's back is facing them, oblivious to their close proximity.
"A garden? My, Rachel's so sophisticated," His mother shakes her head, completely in awe as Taehyung lets go of him and leads her to the backyard. Unsure of where to go, Jeongguk remains in the living room.
While Taehyung's gone, Jeongguk has been wandering aimlessly about the livingroom, observing the empty shelves and walls lacking any personal touch. The only interesting thing that's caught his attention in the room is the single family photo on the fireplace mantel.
In it is a young Taehyung sandwiched between his parents. Rachel doesn't look so wild then, her curly locks straight in the image and her face natural from all make-up. Taehyung's dad looks youthful in the image, the smile he wears similar to his son. The three seem happy, and by the looks of it, their family hasn't be ruined yet by Rachel's cheating.
Jeongguk then hears the sliding door shut and the faint clomp of footsteps against the carpet. He turns away from the photograph for a brief moment, his gaze fixating on Taehyung who's now carrying a Bible. He watches wordlessly as the boy sets it near the picture frame, filling the empty space behind him effortlessly.
"I can't believe you made me go such lengths in order to talk to you," Taehyung tsks, casually slipping his hands into Jeongguk's pockets. He feels the older's body press against his own, the odd feeling of Taehyung's lower region on his ass.
Jeongguk, swallows, feeling Taehyung's lips brush against his jaw, "I didn't do anything." When Taehyung nuzzles his nose on his cheek, he sucks in a breath. "Hey, stop, they'll-,"
"-They won't see us," Taehyung murmurs lowly, leaving a kiss behind the shell of his ear. "I shut the curtains, and plus, they're all busy gossiping."
"Then why did you bring the Bible?" Jeongguk spins around, his chest now pressed against Taehyung's. He lifts his gaze to meet the older's, both of his eyebrows scrunching together.
The older merely shrugs, leaning close until their noses are nearly touching. "I told them we were gonna study it."
"Oh really?" Jeongguk frowns, his fingers clamping around Taehyung's wide shoulders. Taehyung smiles sheepishly, those boyish charms of his causing a flurry of butterflies to erupt in Jeongguk's stomach.
"Yeah, but you know, I'd rather be kissing you," Taehyung teases, pecking Jeongguk's nose. He pulls back slightly, grinning cheekily as a hue of bright red colors Jeongguk's cheeks.
"Stop with that Taehyung," Jeongguk murmurs softly, embarassed. He ducks his head down, avoiding his stare. In that moment, he feels Taehyung's fingers slip beneath his chin, slowly lifting his gaze up to connect with his own.
"Stop with what?" He asks, the corners of his lips falling a little. Jeongguk shakes his head, exhaling shakily. He feels Taehyung's fingers squeeze his sides, signaling him to continue.
"God made us perfect, and sin, s-sin ruins that," Jeongguk whispers faintly. Closing his eyes, he draws in a breath.
"I already told you we're all flawed, love," Taehyung's frowning now, concern glittering in his warm brown eyes. Jeongguk nods stiffly, mumbling a quiet 'I know' underneath his breath.
"J-just-it's just I'm so scared," He admits truthfully, his stomach twisting anxiously inside of him. "I'm scared of sinning and messing up. I-I've never done anything bad in my life."
"Who said you're doing bad?" Taehyung queries, dragging his thumb over the little scar on the apple of his cheek.
Jeongguk shrugs, "Myself? I-I don't really know okay? You know how bad this is right now." He lets out a saddened sigh, hating how he melts into the way Taehyung cups the side of his face. "Everything we're doing is sin."
"Fuck sinning," Taehyung leans foreward, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead. He lingers there for a moment, Taehyung's lips warm on his cool skin.
He then pulls away, their faces parallel. "I'm not letting scriptures written by a man tell me how to live my life." Taehyung declares, the skin between his brows creased.
It's Jeongguk's turn to frown at the older. "God isn't forcing you to live your life. He's stating what's acceptable- what's correct, Tae."
"Doll, I am not arguing about the fucking Bible with you right now," Taehyung's voice lowers, his tone slightly annoyed. Jeongguk tenses in his hold, anger now bubbling in his chest.
"Taehyung, I'm only saying what's true!"
"You're saying what the Bible wants you to believe," Taehyung corrects gruffly, his grip tightening on his sides. "Not what you want to believe."
"You're not understanding my point!" Jeongguk pushes him back, nearly shouting. However, he quickly remembers the position they're in. Angrily, he rips Taehyung's hold off of him without a second thought, the frown on his lips deepening.
"What am I not understanding?" Taehyung asks dryly, his words mocking him somewhat. He watches as Taehyung runs a hand through his locks, his fingers stopping at his part as his irritated gaze doesn't dare leave Jeongguk. The older sighs roughly, rolling his eyes when Jeongguk struggles to find the right words.
Jeongguk's eyebrows bunch together, his cheeks turning red with fury. Every single thing he wants to say to him jumbles into a knot on his tongue, the neverending frustration and painful confusing piling within him bringing him to the verge of exploding. All of his messed up emotions, his anger towards himself, and the desire for Taehyung swells in his throat.
Before he knows it, he's whisper-shouting at Taehyung.
"W-what?" Taehyung stills, his adam's apple bobbing nervously in his throat. Jeongguk, who's breathing rapidly, shoves him again for being dumb.
"I-I simply can't have these ridiculous, dirty fantasies of you- a male! It's a-absurd!" He repeats, furiously, but after a moment he realizes what he has said.
Jeongguk deflates. He's messed up.
"Oh doll," Something changes in Taehyung's entire tone, his smooth vowels deepening. He gulps, his doe-eyes widening as Taehyung's big hands cup either side of his face. His heart races in his chest, pounding roughly on his ribcage. He can't believe he just said that loud.
His gaze follows Taehyung's, his lips clamping into a thin line when the older lowers himself above him. Jeongguk's fingers clench into fists, fear coursing through his veins, though he's not sure whether it's nervousness or the fact he's admitted his fantasies to Kim Taehyung.
Taehyung swipes his thumb over his bottom lip, hunger gleaming in his narrowed irises. His cheeks burn with embarrassment, his mind running haywire when Taehyung's pink tongue flicks across his lips. Jeongguk's breath hitches in his throat, his entire body not functioning when Taehyung's mouth brushes against his earlobe. He tenses, his hands finding their way to his broad shoulders, gripping Taehyung's shirt tightly.
"If you really feel that way, then perhaps let me fuck you nicely against the counter this time to see if that'll change your mind," Taehyung whispers seductively into his ear.
"Let me fuck you senseless doll, if that's what you really want."
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also i find writing long chapters fun
for worst behavior and oh, do ya'll
really expect smut next chapter? (;
seriously though, will they fuck or
nah is the big question 🤔
love ya'll lots 💛 mela