9/11 I am officially free of lung cancer since I was 9
9/12 I found out I have spinal cancer after 4 years of chemo to prevent it
So that's why I didn't update.
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When Rafael, Nick, Olivia and Amanda had walked out of court after the 4th day of the trail, Rafael's voice was hoarse and not very loud after he had, had a small coughing fit just after he started cross examining the defenses first witness.
"Consoler? You okay?" Amanda asked as she put a hand on his shoulder, guiding him to a bench.
He shook his head, trying to catch his breath as he moved ever so quickly to the bench. When he realized what was happening it was too late, it went black and his unconcious body slumped to the unforgiving tile.
Olivia kneeled at his sided as Nick, Amanda and several others called in through their radio for a bus. Her mind was indeed spininng as she lightly shook his shoulder speaking in full panic "Rafael. Come on."
It was the first time she had called him by his first name in public, well more around the squad but still in public.
His head was slummped to one side, hearing him breath shallowy, she moved his head back to where the back of his head was on the ground. Her stomach and heart slowly dropped as a large stream of blood came from his mouth, it now pooling on the ground.
The wail of sirens was close and she thanked god, looking back up at her detectives who were just as much shock as she was.
She gulped, she was in shock having no idea what to do, she just looked at her squad, praying to god that he would be okay.
As the paramedics took over, Olivia stood up and took a step back, feeling a little bit helpless.
Walking with the stretcher, Olivia kept her distance from him, ever since he had asked for space she didn't feel right being affectionate or even very close to him.
Standing back she watched as Rafael, who was strapped in the stretcher with a blanket over him, she didn't know what was going on. Only looking at him concerning as he started to awake and cough again.
His head slumped to the side as he stopped coughing, trying to catch his breath. Olivia turned to her detectives and said in solemn "Go home. You have a long day tomorrow."
Olivia looked into the ambulance as one of the paramedics started to prep Rafael. Barba turned his head towards her as a oxygen mask was placed on his head, exposing another large pool of blood that formed when his head was slumped. In his raspy, more airy voice he could only say 3 words
"I'm sorry Liv."
That scared her. She didn't know what what it meant, or even what it should mean. What was he trying to say or tell her.
It was a few weeks before anyone heard from Barba, the substitute junior ADA was clueless on all counts.
Barba walked into squad room with literally the least amount of clothes on that they've seen him in, well everybody accept Olivia had seen him in. He was wearing a white collared t-shirt and a pair of kaki pants with semi formal dress shoes.
He absolutely regretted getting out of bed this morning, he had no choice as he had involuntarily added 'cane' to his list of accessories.
"Hey- hey, consoler.." Fin said as he set down his coffee cup, looking at the mostly healthy assistant district attorney.
It was a stare fest from practically everyone in the squad room against Rafael.
"Barba nice to have you back-" Olivia said as she came out of her office but cut herself off as her eyes made her way to the cane at his side.
"Sargent I need to talk to you. Alone." His voice was weak and vulnerable, but demanding as ever.
"Sure" she paused thinking of maybe heading to the crib where it was more private but deciding it would be better, for him, to go in her office "join me in my office, you want coffee?"
"No thank you." He gruffed as he hung his head low, making his way slowly past her and into her office.
Turning his head to her as she shut the door behind her, his eyes filled with fear.
She walked to her desk and sat on the edge of it, nonchalantly. "Rafael... You-"
"I know. I know" He said his voice weaker. "I wanted to talk to you about a couple of weeks ago..."
"At the courthouse?" She asked, nodding to him. "Ya, you passed out and-"
"The doctors told me." He interrupted trying now to get to the point "But they ran some tests" he paused "I have throat cancer, Olivia. And it's spread to my spine."
Now the entire squad room was quite, trying to listen in on their conversation, they pulled away when they heard 'cancer'.
"Rafi..." She said weakly, as she looked at him. Standing up she walked over to him and hugged him.
He froze a moment before using his left arm to pull her close as he started crying softly.
The hug was well needed between the two of them but knowing better than it, they pulled back after a few long moments.
Wiping the tears from his face, she just stared at him. Her hand cradled his face, her thumb lightly caressed his check.
Trying to boost the mood she joked "At least you have us and a new accessory." Her voice shook as she spoke.
"sí mi señora . sí ." Rafael responded as vulnerable as ever.
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The next day, Tucker walked into ADA Barba's office, knowing fully that the district attorney would do anything he said. Tucker convinced Rafael to go undercover to help put away a judge that raped the attorneys he knew where vulnerable.
Not knowing of the cancer, Lieutenant Tucker, had put Barba undercover.
Standing infront of Judge Sinclair, in the courtroom with his case in hand. "Well the court welcomes ADA Barba, I don't think we've met before." Sinclair said heartily, throwing a subtle wink his way.
"Thank you, your Honor, the pleasure is all mine." Rafael responded with a smile, Sinclair looked him up and down.
"We shall see."
He beamed when Rafael didn't break eye contact and the allowed the case to proceed.
Making the case easy to win, Sinclair gave a wink to Rafael as he disappeared into his chambers.
As instructed, Rafael slowly got his stuff together and made his way to Sinclair's office, rapping on the door softly.
"Well. Well. Well. Counselor, what can I do for you?" Sinclair rumbled, leaning back into his chair with his tie loosened, and the top buttons of his shirt undone.
Feeling absolutely sick to his stomach as Rafael looked at the predator looking at his new prey.
"I just wanted to introduce myself formally." Rafael said with a fake smile. Wanting to puke his guys out, he had to offer his hand to him. Sinclair took it and held it for longer than necessary, caressing it with his own.
"Why so formal Barba? I'm done for the day, so why do we go downtown and get a drink?" Sinclair offered and Rafael hesitated.
"Oh come on, Barba, you owe me. I made that conviction a cake walk for you." Sinclair pressed, narrowing his eyes at the ADA.
"Alright, I'll go get my coat and meet you outside." Rafael agreed, and when he walked out he shuddered. "This guy is a major creep" he said lowly into the microphone that was stashed into his coat pocket, hidden in his pocket square but he knew Olivia and probably Nick, could hear him.
Rafael met Sinclair outside and Sinclair's driver took him to a very upscale bar. They talked in about work for a while nursing their respective drinks. Then the conversation turn personal. "So any lucky lady waiting for you at home?" Sinclair inquired and Rafael truthfully shook his head.
"Unfortunately no. Gotta love the life of an ADA, all work, no play." Rafael laugh and Sinclair glanced at him slowly.
"That makes for a dull boy. You don't seem very dull to me."
Barba knew that it was an attempt to seduce him. It made him cringe inside and hit his cane on his foot. "I should head home. I need to prep for another case on Friday." It was Wensday.
"I'll get my driver to drive you home. Don't worry about a cab." Sinclair said and paid for their drinks.
The two men walked out of the bar and Rafael started to become lightheaded, his vision hazed as the got in his car.
He remembered Sinclair's hand on his thigh, to close to manhood than he liked. And Sinclair saying "Your an attractive man Rafael" with a predatory grin.
The next thing he knew he was in a hotel room with Sinclair. Then Sinclair was inside of him, touching him everywhere. Screaming for him to let him go, for him to stop, he was hit in the head, and pounded into harder.
It went black before the worst of it came.
Rafael awoke to bright lights and pain shooting up his spine, throat and the front of his head. He groaned as his eyes fluttered open. "Li-" he started to say but was interrupted by a flush of pain relievers through his veins and a hand touching his.
Olivia stood quickly grasping his hand with hers. She understood. She understood why he needed space now and she felt awful. She desperately needed for him to know she understood and that she wanted what they had, back.
He quickly gained conscious, enough to hear and see but not speak. He looked around. A couch in the side of the room was a makeshift bed for presumably Olivia, a small tv hung from the wall infront of him and a chair on his other side. He looked at her with pain and fear in his eyes. He whispered "How did it get this bad."
Olivia squeezed his hand and kissed his knuckles which surprised him for all he knew they weren't on speaking terms "oh rafael. Entiendo. y lo siento ." She said back.
Those words made him tear up and smile. Olivia smiled back and leaned down, kissing him softly on the lips.
"te amo y yo no he dicho lo suficiente."