"Ayoko na, dad. Ang sakit-sakit na..."
Pilit siyang pinatatahan ng ama, pero nagmistulang bukal ang mga mata niya. Hindi na talaga niya kaya. Maghapon na niyang tinitiis ang sakit.
"Nakaya mo nga ng tatlong taon e. What's another day?"
He may be right. What's another day compared to three years? But those years were different. Sa loob ng mahigit isang libong araw, malayong-malayo sa kanya ni Ken. Malayo yung pinagmumulan ng sakit niya. Now he's here and everything just hurts a little more.
It's because of the fact that he's so near and yet he still remained unreachable. Unattainable. Unavailable.
It's harder this way, being this close to him. Para kang tinatakam ng pagkaing hindi rin naman ipakakain sa 'yo kahit gutom na gutom ka na and you've been craving for that food for so long.
"Do you want me to take you home?" tanong ng daddy niya.
Tumango na lamang sya.
She thanked her father silently dahil hindi sila dumaan sa loob. Kahit medyo malayo ang nilakad nila dahil inikot pa nila yung lugar for the exit, ayos lang sa kanya. Mas gugustuhin nyang manakit ang paa niya sa kalalakad kaysa makitang pinag-uusapan na naman siya ng mga taong minsang naging malapit sa kanya.
Nang makauwi sila, her dad made sure that she's okay before going back to the reception. Kailangan kasi nitong bumalik para may maghahatid pauwi sa mommy at mga kapatid niya. Nagkulong siya sa kwarto, still in her gown. Wala syang lakas para magpalit ng damit. She curled up in bed and cried her heart out.
Sa isang araw lang ng muli nilang pagkikita, bumalik lahat yung sakit na pinilit niyang ibaon ng tatlong taon. It was one thing to be blamed for one mistake. It was painful enough. Pero yung titingnan ka pa nila na parang sinasabing 'mabuti nga sa 'yo', it was something else.
At mas masakit pala kapag nakita mong yung taong dahilan ng sakit mo, masaya na sa piling ng iba. It's like you're all alone, battling your own pain without anyone lending a hand to ease the hurt.
She tried to sleep. Kailangan niyang matulog. Masakit na rin ang mata niya kaiiyak, kailangan nang ipahinga. Pero sa tuwing ipipikit niya ang mga mata niya, all she could see is Ken, with Aubrey. Dancing to the music. Smiling sweetly. Happy.
So instead, she just let her eyes remain open, her tears falling as she tried to bring down the ceiling by staring at it.
Matagal-tagal din siyang nakipagtitigan sa kisame bago siya dalawin ng antok. And before succumbing to sleep, she let out a sigh, thankful because finally she can rest, for now.
--
"Ken, where are you? Our flight will leave in two hours!" Aubrey ranted over the phone.
"I'm just nearby. I'll see you at the airport," sabi niya rito.
"Don't go too far, okay?"
"I won't."
"Okay. I'll see you later. Love you!"
"Bye."
He ended the call. He needed to be alone right now. Ang orihinal na plano, aalis na sila pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng kasal. Aubrey didn't even let him near the champagne to make sure that he'll be able to fly to Canada the next day.
But seeing Ahn changed everything. Now, he's torn between staying and leaving again.
Gusto niyang takasan ang sakit, magpakalayo-layo. But a part of him knows that he will die a more painful death if he leaves again.
Hindi niya alam kung saan siya pupunta. Lakad lang siya nang lakad. Na-miss niyang gumala sa Glorietta. Dito sila madalas magpunta ni Ahn noon. Now, if he could just remember the place where they love to eat spaghetti...
Pagkalampas niya sa may Red Ribbon, dumiretso sya sa may Mcdo. Alam niyang malapit lang iyon doon, pero saan na nga ba dapat lumiko? He saw Kenny Rogers on the right. He started walking towards there. Then he stopped abruptly.
Nasa tapat lang pala nito ang hinahanap niya.
He didn't know if it's because he's already memorized her silhouette, but even after all those years, madali pa rin niyang mamataan si Ahn kahit likod pa lang nito ang nakikita niya. It looked like she hasn't been there for long. Kakarating lang ng order nito.
His lips curved up to a smile when the familiar scent of bolognese spaghetti reached his nose. Some things never change...
Tumabi siya para hindi makaabala sa mga taong dumaraan. He just stood there, watching her eat.
He frowned when a few minutes later, her shoulders started shaking. Umiiyak na naman ito. Napalunok siya. Naninikip ang lalamunan niya sa tuwing makikita niya itong umiiyak.
He wanted to comfort her, but he was somehow feeling satisfied seeing her hurting. And fuck himself for feeling satisfied, but he couldn't help it. Kung anuman ang rason nito sa pag-iyak, he was somehow thankful for it.
Maybe it's the bitter part of him that wanted to get even, but God, revenge is so bittersweet.
--
Fuck tears, come back!
Bakit ba kahit kaliit-liitang bagay, even those with the remotest of relevance, make her vulnerable these days? Ken's going back to Canada today and she has no guts to stop him from leaving. Ano naman ang karapatan niyang pigilan ito?
In less than two hours, he'll be leaving. Possibly for good. And she's here, about to eat her spaghetti, counting down every minute.
Nang ilagay ng waitress ang plato sa tapat niya, unti-unting nag-sink in ang lahat. They used to eat here, get served by the same waiters, and eat the same food. And now, after many months of avoiding this place, she came back because he came back.
Wala na yung dating waitress na palaging nagsi-serve ng pagkain sa kanila. The place expanded, medyo maluwag na ang pwesto ng Bistro. The pasta tastes the same, pero mas kumonti yung serving.
Some things stay the same, but some do change. At kahit anong pilit niyang panghawakan ang isang bagay para hindi ito magbago, alam niyang inevitable iyon.
Maybe Ken's already at the airport, just waiting for his flight. In a few minutes, lilipad na ang eroplano papuntang Canada. Maybe it would be the end for them. After the encore, this is the inevitable finale.
And when that realization hit her, hindi na niya napigilang umiyak.
"Ma'am, okay lang po ba kayo?" concerned na tanong ng waitress.
"S-Sorry." She tried to wipe her tears pero tuloy-tuloy ang pagpatak ng mga ito. The waitress offered her a stack of tissue, which she consumed quickly. Gusto niyang sumubsob at humagulhol. And when she can't take it anymore, she did just that. Wala na siyang pakialam kung pinagtitinginan na siya ng ibang kumakain o ng mga taong dumaraan sa gilid ng restaurant.
She needs to cry.
--
Revenge has its way of sneaking back and hurting the person who wished for it. Bumigat ang pakiramdam niya nang sumubsob si Ahn sa table at humagulhol. He wanted to know what's hurting her, so he could stop it.
Even if his mind's against it, he started walking to her. He was only a few steps away when his phone rang again. Inis siyang lumayo para sagutin iyon.
"What!"
"Galit ka ba? It's me."
He sighed. "I'm sorry. Bakit?"
"Nasa'n ka ba? Pupuntahan na lang kita para sabay na tayong pumunta sa airport," sabi nito sa kanya.
"Huwag na."
"Ken."
"Aubrey... please."
"Bakit ba ayaw mo? Nasa'n ka ba?" tanong nito. Alam niyang nagtatampo na ito sa kanya. Since they got back to the Philippines ay naging malayo na ang loob niya rito. The only that he became sweet was yesterday, around Ahn.
"I just want to be alone."
There was a long pause. And then, he heard her sob.
"Fine!" mariin nitong sabi. Then she ended the call.
Kumapit siya sa railings sa gilid ng daan at saka bumuntong-hininga. Hindi niya masisi si Aubrey for feeling disregarded. Because it was obvious that he's been disregarding her. Sana talaga hindi na lang siya umuwi. Dahil ngayon, ayaw na niyang umalis.
He went back to the reason why he couldn't will himself to leave the country, pero wala na ito sa kinauupuan nito kanina. When he asked the waitress kung nasaan na si Ahn, ang sabi nito ay umalis na. She also told him that she didn't eat her food. Naglagay lang ito ng 500 peso bill sa mesa at saka ito umalis.
He followed the way to DAD's, hoping to find her there. He also searched the nearby stores, pero hindi na niya nakita si Ahn.
Isang oras na lang at aalis na ang eroplano niya papuntang Canada, but he's here, searching for his lost love. The one he can't simply leave behind. The one whose been haunting him in his dreams.
Fuck Canada, he told himself.
--
Hindi sigurado si Ahn kung si Ken ang nakita niya kanina. Medyo sideways kasi ang pwesto nung lalaking may kausap sa phone. Gusto niyang matawa sa sarili. Ano naman ang gagawin ni Ken sa Glorietta? Ken's at the airport now. He's leaving for Canada. The earlier she could accept the truth, the earlier she will start to heal.
Ayaw na niyang mag-break down sa mataong lugar kagaya ng nangyari kanina. Lesson learned, kapag depressed, stay inside the room and cry your heart out. Umuwi na siya ng bahay. Doon na lamang siya magmumukmok.
Pero nang makarating naman siya sa bahay, hindi naman siya makaiyak. Ano 'to, kailangan pa ng luha niya ng audience para pumatak? Nailing na lamang siya.
But seeing whoever that someone who kind of looks like Ken made what she's feeling right now seem laughable. Para syang tanga, ayaw tumigil sa kaaasa.
--
Ken stayed at the mall. He turned off his phone after reading something from Ahn's timeline. Ini-unfriend niya ito pagkatapos siya nitong i-reject three years ago. He stalked her profile a few times after that, para lang makibalita. But Ahn's last post was dated three years ago.
Kaya naman nagtaka siya nang makita niyang may bago itong status kanina.
Liz Ahn Legaspi
Siya ba yung nakita ko? Hahaha. Imposible. I think I'm hallucinating. But it feels like my past mistake is haunting me. #goodbyeagain #maybeforforever </3