I awoke and cursed under my breath.
Why was this always happening?
For two weeks now, almost every night, Sebastian had tried to kiss me and every time I woke up before it could happen. I didnt think I was doing it purposely. Hell, I didn't think I was doing it at all. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to know what that felt like. But for some reason my body just rejected it. Like I was grasping for something just out of my reach, never quite able to grab a hold. It was quite frustrating.
On the other hand, I had always let him make the first move. Maybe that was the problem. I promised myself that next time I fell alseep it would be the first thing I did. No talking. No flirting. Just walk right up to him and kiss him. The thought had my stomach in knots since I had never made the first move with any guy but it was clear Sebastian wouldnt reject me. And that gave me confidence I didnt know I was ever capable of. Sure, it was obvious he wanted to as well and that helped but I also found something within me I wasnt aware was there when he was near.
Of course, he was always near.
I rolled over in bed, not wanting to look at the ugly hotel wall paper any longer. Milo was purring above my head. Why he chose to sleep between me and the headboard I dont know, but I could guess.
It was 4am and time to drive if I wanted to get to Colorado the same time as the movers. Ugh. 4am. The birds werent even awake at 4am.
No one should be awake at 4am!
We were 16 hours away from Colorado Springs and I was getting nervous. I hoped I hadnt made the worst mistake of my life by moving. It didnt feel that way but I couldnt help but have doubts. The possibility of a new life was terrifying. Excitedly terrifying.
I was on the road again. I couldnt stop thinking of Sebastian. I always thought of Sebastian. He had over taken my mind. I'm not sure I ever stopped thinking of him.
I felt kind of silly trying to talk to him in my waking hours, knowing he had no way to respond to me. I was basically talking to myself, even though I knew he was beside me.
But conversing during such a long trip would have been a welcomed distraction.
I let my mind drift.
Maybe there was a Sebastian in Colorado. A real one. One I didnt have to dream of to see. One I could really touch. Really kiss. I did want that but at the same time, there was no way I would meet somone exactly like him. They would look different, think different... BE different. This broke my heart because I just wanted Sebastian. The Sebastian. Out of my dreams and into reality. No one else mattered.
All the experiences we could have, all the places we could go, the things we could do, all the laughter, kisses, love... it would forever take place inside my head. He wasnt tangible.
And he never would be.
Once on the interstate, I let my lead foot drop down on the pedal... maybe a bit too much. Speeding. Definitely speeding. And for once, I didn't care. The drive was wearing on me. My excitement was trying my patience. I just wanted to get there.
I sighed.
Even if this was a mistake, I couldnt turn back now. Stuck between Colorado and New York, I would be forced to travel the direction my car was facing. And as I looked in my rearview, I realized that I wasnt even sad about leaving. I wouldnt miss New York.
Not one fucking bit.