"I couldn't find any ice cream so here's an ice pop." Jeongguk handed the small packaging to Jaehwa before he plopped down next to her, a sigh escaped his lips when the soreness finally came to him.
He couldn't believe that it was already dark now, only realised that when he went out just now and saw how the sky had changed into a blanket of shimmering stars. Jeongguk wished he could drag Jaehwa out so they could stargaze together, but it was winter and making anyone, especially Hyun, fall sick was the last thing Jeongguk wanted to do. At last, he decided to stay indoor, eating the ice pop at the kid cafe's cafeteria.
He was lucky that today went smoothly. He captured many great moments with Hyun, and as much as he wanted to deny this, Jeongguk had to admit that he had so much fun today. Looking down at his arms, Jeongguk then smiled to see how Hyun was sleeping soundly, his flushed red cheeks showed the evident that he was tired after all the new adventures he went through with Jeongguk today. From crawling around the kid cafe to drowning himself in a pool of balls, from bouncing on the trampoline to taking a ride on an electric animal, Jeongguk made sure Hyun go all out today. Didn't even notice that he himself had became short of breath until Hyun fell asleep in his arms.
"You're not eating?" Jaehwa asked as she unwrapped her ice pop, taking it into her mouth afterwards. Jeongguk replied with a rather inaudible no, looking down at Hyun to brush the boy's silky hair. "By the way, I believe what you told me before."
"What?" Jeongguk arched an eyebrow, looking at the girl only to see her grinning cheekily, as if she was hiding something. "Which one?" The question made him realise how he had been stuck with Jaehwa for such a long period of time, to the point he had lost count how many times they had sat back and talked about Hyun and parenting. For a split second, it was funny, yet Jeongguk couldn't laugh at how so many things had changed ever since Hyun came into his life. He used to be all alone, used to keep a distance from a girl because he hated responsibility with all his heart, yet there he was, letting Jaehwa see his tears, hugging her without a dot of shame of what she would think of him. Though their friendship didn't start off really well, Jeongguk knew, realised that she was the one. The one he could count on.
"Your future kids. They will be in safe hands." Jaehwa mocked, deepening her voice to imitate the way he told her when they had lunch together back then. Jeongguk groaned in annoyance as a response, but in all honesty, he was trying his best to not crack a smile, didn't want her to know how that simple compliment bloomed his heart. "I believed that now."
Jeongguk looked down at Hyun again, was so close to slapping Jaehwa's hand when she poked her index finger on Hyun's cheek. Seeing how Jaehwa could find happiness in babies like this made Jeongguk wonder, how did she develop feelings for someone who had nothing to do with her? Why did she choose to babysit when she could do way easier things?
The corner of his lips curved when Jaehwa leaned in to plant a peck on Hyun's forehead before she giggled upon the lipstick stain she left on the little boy. On daily basis, being this close with someone would make him uncomfortable, but today, or to be exact, Kim Jaehwa, was an exception. He stared at the way she aimed for Hyun's button nose, the way she tucked her hair behind her ears before she continued to annoy the sleeping Hyun.
"Jaehwa." Her name finally slipped out of Jeongguk's mouth, only noticing that when she jerked her head to look up at him. "Why... why did you choose babysitting? Why do you like babies?"
Jaehwa hummed as she thought for an answer, glints flooded her eyes as she tilted her head to lock eyes with Jeongguk. "Why did you choose to look after Hyun?"
Taken aback by her question, Jeongguk blinked furiously, had to clear his throat before letting out breathless chuckles. "I lost to Jimin. I- I don't have a choice, do I?"
"You do, stupid." Jeongguk's lips agape when she stuck out her tongue at him, swore to God he would press his palm against her mouth if he wasn't holding Hyun at the moment. "You do have a choice. You can send Hyun to an orphanage. You can give him to someone else. You even cam leave him on the street if you want to." Jaehwa paused, looking down at Hyun before her gaze trailed up to Jeongguk's eyes for the nth time. "You have so many choices, Jeongguk. But why did you choose to make yourself suffer and look after Hyun instead? You complained about him waking you up, but why did you still keep him?"
Jeongguk forgot how to breathe for a moment, his mouth close and open as he tried to blurt an answer. The gears of his mind stopped working, and all he could do was letting his jaw drop for what seemed like an eternity.
"The answer is..." Jeongguk swallowed hard when Jaehwa raised her index finger to point at the left side of his chest, could feel her nail digging into his skin but he chose to not be fazed by that. "Here." Jaehwa chuckled, inching away from Jeongguk to finish her ice pop. "You know... emotion and feeling are hard to be explained, but once you get to understand it, it leaves you such a big impact. When you write, you don't make your characters bluntly say I love you, you don't make them straightaway say how they feel." Jeongguk being in his film-production-major nature, only could wait for her to finish off the explanation. Reviewing was something he's absolutely bad at. "Sometimes it's funny how you still wait for them to say it when it already shows since the earlier chapters. You can tell by how they act, their thought. You know... stuff they do." Jaehwa chuckled lightly, making Jeongguk freeze in his seat when he felt her eyes piercing his being. "You are just one of those characters, Jeongguk. And I am the reader. I know that you love Hyun even before you cried because I see how much you care for him. You didn't notice that, but I did. I noticed every single thing. The first moment you called to hire me as your babysitter, I knew that you're going to fall so hard for this boy. But what makes a story more interesting is the plot twist, so I waited for it to happen. I waited and waited for the day you would give up on Hyun. But turned out I was wrong. When I found out Hyun is not yours, I immediately knew that it would go as I predicted." She nudged his elbow, giggling while Jeongguk only pursed his lips into a thin line. "And bingo! I was right!"
As much as he was in awe upon her long elaboration, Jeongguk quickly composed himself, looking away to distract himself from going deeper into the topic. "I only asked why you like babies though."
Jaehwa scoffed in exasperation, probably annoyed to see how Jeongguk let what she said just now like passing air, didn't even show any effort to engulf himself more into the analogy. Nevertheless, she shrugged, fingers subconsciously played with the plastic wrapper of the ice pop. "Because they're cute. I have always wanted a niece or nephew but my brother is always busy working. Bet I won't be getting one."
Jeongguk snickered. With one hand, he slapped her arm playfully but hard enough for Jaehwa to hiss in pain. "Then make your own babies."
"Ugh, shut up!"
With that, their conversation ended with silence taking over the scene. The noise coming from the kid cafe gradually vanished as it was approaching 10PM, could hear the sound of rolling shutter hitting the floor to remark the closing of stores in the mall. With them being out of topic like this, the thing that had been bothering his mind since yesterday came back again, this time making Jeongguk more anxious than ever.
He knew he was running out of time, and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it.
Jeongguk wondered if he didn't sleep at all tonight to simply stare at Hyun sleeping next to him, would that make him feel like the time flew slower? If he spent the whole night tracing his thumb on those rosy cheeks, would that be enough to make him feel Hyun's presence even more?
"Tomorrow night-" Jeongguk swallowed his saliva which now felt like shattered glasses. "Tomorrow night, I'll go to the casino with Hoseok. To return Hyun to Jimin."
Jeongguk didn't have the courage to look at her at this rate, but he was sure he heard her gasping a tad bit. "To- tomorrow night?"
Jeongguk nodded lightly, his hand just couldn't stop caressing Hyun's hair. "The promised date is tomorrow. Then, everything will return to how it used to be. Me living alone, coming back from classes and go to bed straightaway, maybe... maybe going out at night to gamble again." Jeongguk shrugged, forcing out a chuckle.
"Do you want to know something, Jaehwa?" Jaehwa pursed her lips together, and Jeongguk took that silence as a yes. "Honestly, I'm scared." The thought itself was enough to make Jeongguk laugh in disbelief, didn't care if the girl would start judging him at this rate. "I'm scared if I rushed to the daycare centre to fetch Hyun, and when I arrived and waited to see him, the woman told me I didn't send him there today. Then everything would hit me. Ah, right. I didn't send him to the daycare centre today." Tears were threatening to form in his eyes but he chose to not cry, not wanting to let any single roll of tears leave the brim of his eyes. He had promised himself that tonight would be the night where he would spend the last moment with smiles, not sadness. "I'm worried if I woke up and got scared when I found Hyun wasn't lying next to me. I'd think he fell off the bed and looked for him around the house but when I was awake enough, I would realise... ah, Hyun is gone. He's no longer here."
Jeongguk blinked away his tears. Shy and scared—those two were mixing together. "Back then, I had always wondered if there's a way to stop me from gambling. My dad scolded me, he even told me he would chase me out of the house if I didn't stop but I was the one who volunteered to leave my parents' house. My mom always cried when I came home drunk, maybe it's because I'm her only son so she's so disappointed in me. My sister, ah that nosy woman, she would call me names until it reached one point where she's tired of caring about me." Jeongguk felt a hand creeping onto his, and when he looked down, he saw Jaehwa's thumb caressing the back of his palm. And that was the moment his tears decided to flow, just like a broken dam. "I let my dad hit me, I made my mom cry, I yelled at my sister. Shit, I ruined everyone's hope, yet I didn't feel anything. I never felt that I should stop gambling. After all, I am still young. They say you only live once so I wanted to live my life to the fullest."
Jeongguk laughed in disbelief, the words circulating his mind died at the tip of his tongue when he looked down at Hyun.
"But how did Hyun do it? How can he have the power to change me into a better person? I- I don't know, Jaehwa. Fuck, it was so hard for me. It was so hard for me to understand myself when I first developed an affection towards Hyun. When he knew what daddy is, when I said daddy and he looked at me, I- I felt so happy. When I realised I was the first one to witness him started crawling, I thought- oh! How did I get so lucky? The moment his palms pressed against my lap, the moment he looked up at me with that bright smile... God, I could feel him asking me if he did well, and when I picked him up and praised him, he smiled even wider."
"Jeongguk..." Jaehwa trailed off, pulling him into her embrace before she rubbed his back gently.
"Jae- Jaehwa, can- can you tell me that- that all of these are just a part of my dr- dream? Can you- you tell me that I'm s- sleeping right n- now?"
"We promised to help each other, but I'm sorry, Jeongguk. I can't turn this into a dream. As much as I want to, I can't." Breaking the hug, Jeongguk looked straight into her eyes, swore to God that he saw her pupils wavering just like his. Obviously trying to hold the pool of tears from forming. Obviously wearing the strong facade when she was breaking from the inside as well. "I'm so sorry."
_______
a/n:
a long chapter because i can't thank all of you enough for loving this fic 😭 i never thought this book would get so much reads and votes!
anyways,
are you ready, fam?